(Scene:
A battlefield, temporarily inactive.
There is a large tent for the commanding officer, who is inside writing
a letter)
General
Antibiotic: “Dear Host, I hope this missive finds you well, or at the very
least, on the mend. I wish to report
that our first round of troops met with limited success: we cleared the outer
perimeter of the wound and have made several inroads, but if we are going to
have any sort of lasting impact then I am afraid another round is needed, and
perhaps the dosage increased to twice daily.
Then, I am confident, we will have the proper numbers to sufficiently
overwhelm the destructive invaders and KILL THEM ALL. On a side note, there are a several rabble-rousers in their midst who seem to have clashed with us in other venues and are
now unable to be destroyed; however, by the time we have completed our mission
there will be too few of them to cause any significant trouble, I should think. To be on the safe side, though, best keep an
eye on the state of your digestive tract going forward, if you take my
meaning. Affectionately Yours, General
Antibiotic.”
Soldier:
(Enters the tent) Sir! Someone here to
see you!
General
Antibiotic: One of the enemy?
Soldier:
Not exactly – says they’re practically a resident.
General
Antibiotic: All right, send `em in.
(Soldier
holds open a tent flap to let in a disheveled visitor)
General
Antibiotic: Welcome! Have a seat. (They both sit) And, you are…?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Lactobacillus Acidophilus.
General
Antibiotic: Of course, of course, how could I have forgotten?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: You know me?
General
Antibiotic: Not personally, but I know that your kind and the Host have a lovely
mutually beneficial living arrangement.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: That we do.
General
Antibiotic: So. What brings on this visit?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: First of all, I have to say you and your regiment certainly achieve results. I mean, when you come
in, you really come in, if you know what I mean – take no prisoners,
wipe them all out, etc. Very efficient.
General
Antibiotic: Why, thank you – we take great pride in our work. Leave no organism alive, and we stick to that
motto, yes indeedy.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Yes, well, the flip side of that work ethic is a bit of a problem.
General
Antibiotic: How so? We’re designed to
wipe them all out, so we wipe them all out, end of story.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Exactly: the “all” part of that sentence. (General Antibiotic stares blankly) You’re killing all of us, too, dude!
General
Antibiotic: Well, we don’t discriminate.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Then how do you expect the Host to survive after you’ve completed your
carnage? We’re the ones keeping
the really bad guys at bay; once you’ve finished demolishing us and go wherever
it is you disintegrate to, those jerks are gonna move right in! En masse!
General
Antibiotic: I must say, you didn’t do such a great job keeping out this current
lot we’re taking care of now, you know.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: That’s not our department!
We’re maintenance; this was a failure in wound repair!
General
Antibiotic: Look, my figurative hands are tied.
We’re not from nature, and our specifications are not advanced enough to
target individual types of your kind and let the rest of you be, so right now
it’s either deal with the unfortunate collateral damage or find yourself a new
Host as this one destroys itself trying to destroy the enemy.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Can’t you just, I don’t know, not kill as many of us each time?
General
Antibiotic: Quite impossible: we strive for 100% with each and every
foray. We know we will not achieve 100%,
but as a matter of professional pride, strive we must. We usually manage to hit 99%.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Yeah, 99% of us, too!
What are we supposed to do?!
General
Antibiotic: That’s not our department.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Clearly! Your department is
death!
General
Antibiotic: Exactly. We’re doing what
you folks obviously couldn’t; it’s regrettable that these scenarios are
always all-or-nothing, but the best I can advise is that you send a request to the
Host for backup in the form of yogurt, soy milk, or pills like the ones that
transported my regiment.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Send a request? The Host
doesn’t listen to us – they barely know we exist! I can’t even get the nervous system to relay
a message; every time I do it just crashes up against the cerebrum
and dissipates!
General
Antibiotic: Oh. Then who I have been
sending reports to this whole time?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Yourself, apparently!
General
Antibiotic: (Shakes self out of reverie) No matter; they’ll figure it out.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Figure what out?
General
Antibiotic: My request for more troops.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: More?!
General
Antibiotic: Oh yes, this is just the beginning – it’s hard to tell at the start
of any campaign how many waves of destruction will be needed, but it seems now that
at least one more week’s onslaught should just about finish these hooligans off. Although, I suspect it might be
another two weeks, since they’re being especially stubborn.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: And also finish us off!
(Stands) It seems my kind and I have no choice but to join the enemy and
fight with them against you!
General
Antibiotic: (Starts writing another letter) I wouldn’t advise it: you’ll be
destroyed either way, so you’re better off focusing your remaining energies on
keeping the Host alive until you’re obliterated.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: You –
General
Antibiotic: (Looks up again) Ooh, here’s an idea: why not make yourself and
your crew resistant to us, like some of those nasties we’ve seen out there – that
way at least some of you just might make it to the end, yes?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Oh, make ourselves antibiotic-resistant just like that, huh?
General
Antibiotic: Uh-huh – who knows, you might even be so already, seeing as you’re
still here and I haven’t killed you yet.
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: Haven’t killed – ?
General
Antibiotic: (Hears skirmishing outside and heads for the tent entrance to listen)
Speaking of which, you’d best be moving along now – sounds like the games are
starting up again and we wouldn’t want to be caught in the crossfire, would we?
Lactobacillus
Acidophilus: (Opens the tent flaps and sees a battle raging outside; while
running away) I hate you so muuuuuuuuuuccccchhhhh….
General
Antibiotic: (Smiles before plunging into the fracas) I love a job well done.
