Story 286: Self-Appointed Travel Agent

            (The Family gathered `round for a social media fireside chat)

           Parent 1: Right, since no one else has taken the initiative this year, I’m going to go ahead and plan our entire summer vacation, everyone OK with that?  Speak now, or never complain about anything ever again.

            Parent 2: OK.

            Child 1: OK.

            Child 2: OK.

            Cousin: OK.

            Parent 1: Who invited you?!

            Cousin: You did, last year.

            Parent 1: I what?  Oh yeah, never mind.  Well, if you still want to be the fifth wheel, you have absolutely no input regarding the week we go or the activities we do.

            Cousin: Fine by me – I do nothing anyway, so this’ll be a nice change.

            Child 1: Can we go to Disney World this year?

            Parent 1: We already did Disney World!

            Child 1: Yeah, like 25 years ago!  I wanna go again!

            Parent 1: You’re a grown man, son, no more Disney for you!

            Child 1: I’m stuck in arrested development!  And Disney owns everything and is a nerd haven now; those are my people!

            Child 2: I veto Disney and propose Qatar.

            Parent 1: Where now?!

          Child 2: It’s like Las Vegas, only more refined.  Everyone there is super-rich and I want to absorb their joy.

            Parent 2: I vote for Glastonbury Festival.

            Parent 1: Not this again – last time you hated all the bands and forgot to bring the tent so we had to re-enact Woodstock conditions!

         Parent 2: I realized later what a truly memorable experience it was and I would appreciate it all the more this time.  In a luxury tent.

          Parent 1: Well I veto you all since you literally had an entire year to make up your minds before now.  I declare that this summer, our destination will be: Cape April.

            Parent 2: Oh.

            Child 1: Oh.

            Child 2: Oh.

            Cousin: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

          Parent 1: My decision is final and I will brook no argument – you either remain on complaint silence throughout the entire stay, or book your own vacation that you then will take alone and bored.

            Parent 2: Well, that town is very tranquil.

          Parent 1: It is a city, it is bristling with activities, and the whole thing was made a historic landmark so it is a very exciting place to be!  We will be taking enriching self-guided tours and steeping ourselves in cultured talks and lounging for hours at the dignified beaches and there will be absolutely no whining, DO YOU HEAR ME????

            Child 2: Please stop yelling by text – it hurts my ears and I don’t know why.

          Child 1: If you’re going to be the one booking everything, do we still have to split all the costs?

            Parent 1: You have five seconds to withdraw that abominable question.

ON THE VACATION

            (The Family arrives by car and checks into their multi-room suite)

            Parent 1: All right, now that the interminable check-in process finally is over, I want to review our itinerary for the week.  (Flicks open a five-foot long scroll)

            Parent 2: Wiiiillllll we have time for all this?

          Parent 1: Yes: I have everything scheduled down to the minute, so I require everyone’s full cooperation.  Now, we have precisely 23 said minutes to go over this and then relax before we head over to the city center for the two hours allotted to “Shopping Time.”

            Cousin: (Sprawled across an armchair, rolls head back) Uggggghhhhhh…..

           Parent 1: I had no choice: the activity would have been done no matter what, so at least this way I control the location and duration.

            Child 2: Aw, no fair, I also wanted to shop over on the west side!  And the east side!  And the south side!  And two hours isn’t nearly enough for all of that!

            Parent 1: Too bad, it’s this or nothing!  Now, when we return from that, it’s off to dinner next door for 1.5 to 2 hours depending on the crowds, then miniature golf down the street for another hour, then ice cream that we can eat on the way back, then if all goes well, a few rounds of pinochle in the room here before promptly retiring to bed at 10:30 p.m. sharp.  Tomorrow, we get up at 6:00 a.m. for an hour run before breakfast back in the room here, then off by quaint trolley car to the Historical Society to listen to a rousing session on “The Legacy of Colonial Imperialism: How Nostalgic Décor Masks the Truth of Oppression,” then –

            Parent 2: Wait a minute, when are we going to go to the beach?

           Parent 1: I’m getting to that!  Then, it’s lunchtime at the café on the corner, which should wrap up by 1:30 p.m. at the latest so we have enough time to get changed and head over to the beach, which we then should leave by 5:00 p.m. at the latest so we can get to dinner by 6:30 p.m. at the latest –

            Cousin: Whatever – I’m going to be surfing all day every day, so just let me know what times you’re eating and maybe I’ll meet up with you.  I’ll probably just grab something, though.

            Parent 1: Just… grab… something?  Where?  When?  What?

           Cousin: I’ll figure it out; there're tons of places around here and they’re open extra late for all the tourists, which we are.

            Parent 1: But – but – the uncertainty –

           Child 1: Yeah, I think I’ll skip both the talk and the beach tomorrow: I saw there’s a dolphin watching boat nearby and I want to go on that instead.

            Parent 1: Dolphin watching’s on Thursday!

            Child 2: I think I’ll skip tomorrow, too – I really just want to shop in a bunch of stores, then spent the rest of the week here at the beach.

            Parent 1: I quite generously carved out two hours today to get those shenanigans out of your system!  You can shop anywhere and anytime back at home!  

            Child 2: Yeah, but they have cool shore stuff here.

            Parent 1: Stuff?!

           Parent 2: You know, I wanted to hike in The Nature Conservancy preserve that’s down here, and there isn’t one anywhere by us – is that on the itinerary?

           Parent 1: Why would it be?!  Why would you be hiking at a time like this, we are on vacation, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING!!!

         Cousin: (Gently plucks the scroll from Parent 1’s wildly waving hand) How about we all go through this together and decide which items which of us want to do, and arrange to meet up throughout the day?

           Parent 1: (Collapses onto the sleeper sofa) Oh all right, this trip is already chaos, might as well give into the anarchy!

            Parent 2: There now, doesn’t letting go feel relaxing?

            Parent 1: No!  Well maybe a bit.

Story 285: Chamomile Tea Is the Flippin’ Cure to Everything

            (In an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)

            Co-Worker 1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t tell me you’re sick again.

            Co-Worker 2: All right, I won’t.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Co-Worker 1: Gross.  Are you at least taking anything for it?

            Co-Worker 2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics, it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are.  They’re poised to take over the world any day now, in case you haven’t heard.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.

          Co-Worker 2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending illnesses.  I’m also late with a bunch of projects because, you know, all the days I took off.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.

            Co-Worker 1: Ew-ew-ew!  I’ll be right back.  (Runs out)

            Co-Worker 2: Don’t blame you.  (Begins typing with two fingers, one key every five seconds)

           Co-Worker 1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here.  Drink all of this now.

          Co-Worker 2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you.  (Pushes mug aside)

            Co-Worker 1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me.  It’ll fix everything.

            Co-Worker 2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?  That’s a bold prediction.

            Co-Worker 1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.

            Co-Worker 2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute.  (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and nods) Mild.  Hmmm, soothing.  Aaaand it’s staying put.  In conclusion: not horrific.

            Co-Worker 1: Drink more, and give it a minute.

            Co-Worker 2: Sure.  (Sips a bit more, resumes tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.

            Co-Worker 1: You feel it?

            Co-Worker 2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone.  Where’s the sick gone?

            Co-Worker 1: Feeling much better, yeah?

           Co-Worker 2: “Better?”  “Better” is not the word – (Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!

            Co-Worker 1: Told you.

           Co-Worker 2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured!  Absolutely cured, hallelujah!

            Co-Worker 1: You’re welcome.

            Co-Worker 2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?

            Co-Worker 1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.

            Co-Worker 2: Get out.

            Co-Worker 1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.

            Co-Worker 2: I don’t believe it!  Tea?!  This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea!  This is the cure to everything!!

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –

            Co-Worker 2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!  (Dashes out of the office)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh dear.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Co-Worker 1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if you need anything.

           New Co-Worker 2: Thanks.  (They both sit at their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh yeah.  (Begins typing)

            New Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?

            Co-Worker 1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.

            (New Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)

            (VIDEO: Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)

           Former Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness, headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us throughout the day.  Haven’t you ever longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out the window?  Well, long no more, because the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination that is CHAMOMILE TEA.  Just one sip, and what ails you will be utterly annihilated.  (Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too.  No more prescription meds all fighting each other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing!  And the best part is, no corporate sponsor, either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery store!  Take control of your life and start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!

            Voiceover: (While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority.  Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –

            Co-Worker 1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.

            New Co-Worker 2: Oh wow.  You know a celebrity!

            Co-Worker 1: Sadly, yes.

           New Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything – you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?

           Co-Worker 1: Go right ahead.  (New Co-Worker 2 runs out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)  Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would have known about it if it wasn’t for me!  And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture!  (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel sick.