Story 341: Pitfalls in Collaboration

[Inspired by The Metropolitan Opera and its recent Nightly Opera Streams at www.metopera.org]

            (In an office, an opera house’s Artistic Director sits at a desk facing Composer and Librettist)

            Artistic Director: All right, you two: when I commissioned you to create the best opera ever, I meant I wanted one where the audience will laugh, cry, roar, and swoon, preferably in that order.  And instead, I’m getting a half-completed work that makes me want to chuck the entire orchestra at you.  What in the name of bel canto’s going on?!

            Composer: First of all – did you hear the music yet?

            Librettist: (Slumps in the chair) Ugh, here we go.

          Composer: (To Artistic Director) I would like to take this moment to emphasize that my portion of this work is done, by the way – I even finished the orchestration months ago.

            Artistic Director: Then why are you two telling me it’s not done?

          Librettist: (Rolls eyes) Somebody feels that the lyrics need to “match the tone set by the music,” whatever that means.

            Artistic Director: It means the lyrics should convey the same themes as the music.

            Librettist: I know what it means!                                      

            Artistic Director: What?

         Librettist: My libretto is perfect as it is; it’s based off the book you – (Points to Artistic Director) chose, and it’s got everything you could ever want: hot people in love, random shenanigans, loud misunderstandings that go on for hours, and societal rebels refusing to live lives of oppressive regular salaries, so I fail to see what the problem is.

            Composer: (To Artistic Director) OK, first: you’ve heard the music?

            Artistic Director: Yes, we’ve established that.

            Composer: And you’ve noted how absolutely glorious it is?

           Artistic Director: Well, a tear or two did threaten, and my heart struggled to beat a few times, so I think it’s safe to say that “glorious” is an acceptable adjective.

         Composer: Thank you.  Now, with that in mind: have you read the lyrics set to this awe-inspiring masterpiece of sound?

            Artistic Director: Well, sort-of – it’s been hard to keep up with all the revisions.

            Composer: (Flips through pages of the score) Uh-huh, uh-huh – OK, here’s the latest from Act 1, the aria I wrote for the lead tenor.  (Hands a few pages to the Artistic Director) Note the soaring strings that sound like grown human beings weeping?

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages) Oh yes, I like this one a lot.

            Composer: Uh-huh – and do you see the words paired with these sublime notes?

            Artistic Director: (Reads some more) He’s talking about what he does during his day?

            Composer: Yes!  He soars to the heavens about going out to pick up the newspaper!

            Librettist: What’s your point?

            Artistic Director: It does seem a bit trivial for such majestic instrumentation.

            Composer: Thank you!

         Librettist: What do you expect?  It’s a day in the life – the whole thing’s populated with mooning adult children living in self-inflicted poverty and falling in love with completely incompatible randos – Billy Shakespeare wrote reams on the same subjects, and everybody loved him for it!

            Composer: His words were divine poetry!  Yours don’t even rhyme!

            Librettist: Most of the audience members don’t even speak the language I’m writing in – they just want it to sound good.

            Composer: They’ll know when they read the subtitles that it’s all trite!   Here – (Flips through more pages and hands a bunch to Artistic Director) love duet in Act 2.  Tell me what you think.

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages, humming the notes of a romantic tune, then stops) Wait, do these two people even know each other?

            Composer: They just met in Act 1!  Which took place 20 minutes earlier!

          Librettist: Duh, it’s called “Love at first sight,” haven’t you ever heard of a little something called Romeo and Juliet?

           Artistic Director: You really should stop comparing yourself to an icon; it never works out in your favor.

            Librettist: Noted.

          Composer: My point is, I wrote that piece for two lovers who have the intimacy that comes from shared years and memories, and this one – (Points thumb at Librettist) has them gibbering on about how the Sun looks a tad peaked, and ooh, isn’t that a fine rock over there, and oh, what’s your name again?!

            Librettist: All issues that plague the common folk.

           Artistic Director: Hm.  I have to admit, for a transcendent work of art, the stakes here are really low.

           Composer: You have no idea: in Act 3, they have an argument for half an hour over who broke up with the other first, when it turns out they cheated on each for no reason!

            Librettist: Everyone likes a good “Will they or won’t they?” popping up a few times during a story; keeps things fresh.

            Composer: It’s smothering my score!

           Artistic Director: (Hands papers back to the Composer) I have to agree: unless this is a flat-out farce, the audience won’t connect with the characters if they just dither on about who they should dance with, or whether they should stick with the rich lord or the penniless artist when the answer clearly is “Neither,” or what hat they should wear today – they want war; they want royal executions; they want gods and goddesses loudly interfering with mortals’ destines; all that rubbish.

             Librettist: (Sighs dramatically) Fine – you want me to kill one of the lovebirds at the end or something like that?  Give a nice air of tragedy to the whole thing?

            Artistic Director: Ooh, there’s a thought: killing one or both of the romantic leads usually does the trick; it elevates pretty much anything from boring banality to the existential futility of life, with very minimal effort.

            Composer: But if you kill `em off at the end, no one’s gonna know that the whole thing was poetically tragic until the end!

         Librettist: Argh, all right, I’ll give one of them something consistently debilitating, like consumption – that way the singer’ll be stage-coughing throughout so everyone watching’ll know something’s up, happy?

            Composer: Only as long as they don’t upstage the first violins.

            Artistic Director: So it’s settled, then: give just the soprano consumption and throw in some lines about how frail she looks, and then the leads can sing their hearts out about anything trivial they want since life is so fleeting and pointless, and also have the tenor freak out at the end when she dies so the grand finale of cymbals crashing and horns blaring and drums exploding all makes sense, and I can see the audience’s flowing tears now, ahahahaha!

            Librettist: …Sure, I can whip something up.  (To Composer) This mean you’ll shut up about the lyrics now?

          Composer: Would you at least consider throwing in a regicide or people’s uprising while you’re at it?  I really feel like those subjects are more in scale with my work.

            Librettist: Just tell the singers to be coloratura and leggiero to the max, and no one will notice what they’re really talking about.

Story 340: Cooking by Substitution

[Online video titled “Remember to Insert Title Later”; currently has 5,372 views and two likes]

(In a home kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)

Chef: Hello, culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals Using Home Cooking”?  “Fancy Cooking for Home Meals”?  “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy Meals”?  Whatever; I’ll figure it out later.  Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall we?

(Jump cut to Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)

Chef: Our soup recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not gonna complain, am-I-right?  (Begins chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time) 

Chef: (Wipes brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the same time.  And on to the beans!  (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee!  (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after all – I retract my previous slander.  (Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh?  All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?

Off-Screen Voice: That’s the same thing.

Chef: I told you earlier – you don’t exist in this video!

(Jump cut to more can-opening)

Chef: (Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?”  (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is, but one makes do.  (Dumps tomato paste into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t you agree?  Comment below!

Off-Screen Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.

Chef: Troll.

(Jump cut to Chef pouring broth into the pot)

Chef: Recipe says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth.  (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t tell if you won’t.

Off-Screen Voice: You just told the world.

Chef: Oh for –

(Jump cut to a line-up of spices)

Chef: Right: fresh garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using these handy-dandy dried-up versions.  (Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves” and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!  (A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of the spice falling in after) Oops.  Reverse, reverse!  (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess spice with a spoon)

(Jump cut to closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?

            Off-Screen Voice: It should at least be close.

            Chef: Nobody asked you!

            Off-Screen Voice: You literally just did.

            (Chef throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the stove)

           Chef: So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!  That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!  (Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow cooker.  Well, since I don’t have one, simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t you agree?

            (Jump cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)

          Chef: And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today!  (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm.  A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup, but there you have it!  Fancy meal with all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home!  Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!

            Off-Screen Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.

            Chef: Turn off the camera.

Story 339: This Love Scene Has Too Much Dialogue

(In a trailer on a movie set, Actor 1 preps in front of a large mirror)

Actor 1: (To Mirror) OK, Champ, get this scene right and your fans’ll swoon forever.  Mess it up, they’ll think you’re a goofball and end your career.  (Narrows eyes at mirror) Why am I even talking to you about this – you’re a piece of furniture.  (There is a knock on the door; in a sing-song voice) Who is it?

Actor 2: Your co-star – can I talk to you for a minute?

Actor 1: Umm, OK.  (Actor 2 enters) You know, we have the scene today: you really shouldn’t see the bride before the wedding, heh-heh-heh.

Actor 2: Yeah, about that.  (Drops a copy of the large script onto the makeup table) I assume you’ve read it by now.

Actor 1: Why yes, we’ve all read it by now; I was at the table read.

Actor 2: I meant, really read it.  As in, completely memorized it?

Actor 1: (Fidgets with a blush applicator) Oh, well, today’s just for blocking where our feet and other bits’ll go –

Actor 2: No, it isn’t, our awesome leader wants it done by end-of-day.  As in, ready for post and no reshoots.

Actor 1: (Drops the applicator) What?  But – not even a walk-through?  We’re still doing reshoots on everything else; we’ve barely even acknowledged this scene exists yet; why isn’t today like any other day-in-the-life?

Actor 2: Director hates love scenes and wants it finished as quick as possible.

Actor 1: They’re the one who wrote it!  (Picks up the script) And, I have to say, this has to be the wordiest love scene ever written, in any medium.  By the way, I’ve never actually filmed one of these before, so I’m a little nervous.

Actor 2: Don’t be: there’ll be a bajillion crew members watching, they take forever to film, and you spend half the time waiting for the cameras and lights to be reset.  So you’re telling me you haven’t memorized the lines yet?

Actor 1: Well, no; honestly, I’ve been putting it off, it’s just so – word-heavy.

Actor 2: Yeah, I’ve been having trouble with it, too.  Every time I think I’ve got it down, it turns out I forgot a page.  Whelp – (Scoops up the script) nothing for it except to get through it.  See you in 20.  (Leaves the trailer)

Actor 1: Wait!  (Runs to the door and sticks head out) What if I’m not, you know – (Whispers) in the mood in 20?

Actor 2: Pretend you’re somebody who is – that’s our job.

Actor 1: True; cheers.

(Twenty minutes later, a bajillion crew members have set up a fake hill in front of a fake sunset)

Director: All right everyone, let’s get this over with – the only reason we’re even doing this scene is `cause the executive producer insists on the hot leads making out in every movie.

Actor 1: What?!

Director: (Sits in a chair) Places!

(Actors 1 and 2 find their marks)

Actor 2: (To Director) I was thinking – you mind if we try going with the moment on this, you know, trimming a bit if we feel our characters can’t find the words –

Director: You will read every single word I wrote or you’ll hear from The Guild, is that clear?

Actor 2: Loud and.

Director: (To Actor 1) You: throw that away somewhere.

Actor 1: This?  (Holds up a script covered in highlighter and notes) Um, is it OK if I set it on this large rock right over here –

Director: Get it out of the shot!

Actor 1: Gone!  (Tosses the script off to the side, nearly taking out a crew member) Sorry!

Director: Never mind that – places, again!  Don’t make me repeat myself, again!  (Actors 1 and 2 find their marks again) All right, you two better have the love literally pour off the screen, and Action!

Actor 1: (Starts to turn toward Director) Wha – ?

Actor 2: (Turns Actor 1’s face back) “Why did you follow me out here?”

Actor 1: Oh.  “Don’t you know?”

Actor 2: (Walks slightly away downstage) “No, I don’t understand; I don’t understand anything anymore, everything in my life is so out of control lately, what with The War and all.”

Actor 1: “Ah yes.  The War.”

Actor 2: “And the labor organizers protesting at Father’s factory, threatening to blow up the works when all they want is a good vision plan for once – I sympathize, but when I have to cross the picket line to work on the production line just to keep the place running – oh, I just don’t know what’s right anymore.”

Actor 1: (Places a hand on Actor 2’s shoulder) “I understand.  I feel for you every time I have to shake my protest sign in your face, knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, religious, and spiritual issue, but – ”

Director: You forgot “philosophical.”

Actor 1: (Winces) Ah, shoot.

Director: Go back to “knowing.”

Actor 1: (Looks up to remember) Uh, uh, OK: “Knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, philosophical, religious, and spiritual issue, but you must also know The Truth.”

Actor 2: (Turns to face Actor 1, who drops hand) “And what Truth is that?  The Truth that we are all alone in the universe?  That we are all alone on this planet, even though we are surrounded by billions of our fellows?  That two people can know everything about each other and yet still be strangers?  That – that – that – ” Line?

Director: (Makes a sound of disgust) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 2: (Nods quickly) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 1: “Surely, you must know what I am thinking?”

Actor 2: “Surely, I do not.”

Actor 1: “Take a guess.”

Actor 2: “I have no idea.”

Actor 1: “Not even a tiny inkling?”

Actor 2: “Not even a little bit.”

Actor 1: “Need me to spell it out for you, then?”

Actor 2: “Please speak plainly; I cannot bear circumlocution.”

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you…” um, “you…” um, “you – ”

Director: “Living one more second”!

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you living one more second without knowing The Truth!”

Actor 2: “And what Truth is that?”  (Actor 1 slightly shakes head) “The Truth that we are – ”

Director: You already did that part!

Actor 2: Oh right – line?

Director: Did you guys memorize this or not?

Actor 2: I don’t think that’s what comes next.

Actor 1: We did memorize it, but we thought today would be more for blocking –

Director: You are finishing this scene today if it takes all night!  (Crew members groan) Oh pipe down – you get overtime.  Me, I get a five-figure pittance, so you two “lovebirds” had better get on the ball and sell this thing, ASAP!  Now, back to “The Truth”!

Actor 2: OK, here we go.  (Shakes out arms and stamps feet a few times) “And what Truth is – ”

Director: No!

Actor 2: “What is it?!  Tell me!”

Actor 1: “That I, for the past seven and two-thirds years, have adored you, worshipped you, treasured you, loved you from afar, so far afar, beyond all the mountains, all the trees, all the oceans, all the tributaries, all the – (Bites lower lip) canyons, all the – savannahs, all the – glaciers, all the – the – ”

Actor 2: (Nods encouragingly) “Fjords”?

Actor 1: Yes!

Director: [Grinds teeth]

Actor 2: “All the fjords, all the archipelagos!  I could go on, but when my heart is full of emotion, words fail me.”  (Falls to one knee and grasps Actor 2’s hands) “My darling, my sweet, my angel, do not answer if the answer is ‘No,’ but if the answer is ‘Yes’ will you say it so?”

Director: Ugh, didn’t realized that rhymed – I’ll cut the last bit.  Proceed.

Actor 2: “Oh, my darling, my sweet, my angel, with all my full heart the answer is ‘Yes!’”  (Leans in to kiss Actor 1)

Director: You skipped a page!

Actor 2: Oh drat, I did it again.

Actor 1: Can we take a break?  I’m just not feeling it.

Actor 2: Excuse me?!

Actor 1: (Hisses) You know it’s not you!

Actor 2: Right, sorry.

Director: No breaks!  We are finishing this, do you hear me?!

Actor 1: Sure thing!  Line?

Director: You – !  (Phone rings) I hate my life.  (Answers the phone) What do you want?!... Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. OK, thanks, love you too, bye.  (Disconnects the call and stands) All right everyone, strike the set: scene’s been cut.

Actors 1 and 2: WHAT?!

Director: Movie runtime’s too long; love scene’s first to go.  Take your precious break and be ready to do the volcano rescue sequence in an hour.  (Stomps off as crew members begin tearing down the hill and sunset)

Actor 2: (To Actor 1) Well, that’s a relief.  I have to admit I was focused on the lines so much that I really just wasn’t feeling it, either.

Actor 1: Good thing it got cut, then.  The relationship itself made no sense: the scene could’ve had 10,000 lines and still no one would’ve bought it.