Story 339: This Love Scene Has Too Much Dialogue

(In a trailer on a movie set, Actor 1 preps in front of a large mirror)

Actor 1: (To Mirror) OK, Champ, get this scene right and your fans’ll swoon forever.  Mess it up, they’ll think you’re a goofball and end your career.  (Narrows eyes at mirror) Why am I even talking to you about this – you’re a piece of furniture.  (There is a knock on the door; in a sing-song voice) Who is it?

Actor 2: Your co-star – can I talk to you for a minute?

Actor 1: Umm, OK.  (Actor 2 enters) You know, we have the scene today: you really shouldn’t see the bride before the wedding, heh-heh-heh.

Actor 2: Yeah, about that.  (Drops a copy of the large script onto the makeup table) I assume you’ve read it by now.

Actor 1: Why yes, we’ve all read it by now; I was at the table read.

Actor 2: I meant, really read it.  As in, completely memorized it?

Actor 1: (Fidgets with a blush applicator) Oh, well, today’s just for blocking where our feet and other bits’ll go –

Actor 2: No, it isn’t, our awesome leader wants it done by end-of-day.  As in, ready for post and no reshoots.

Actor 1: (Drops the applicator) What?  But – not even a walk-through?  We’re still doing reshoots on everything else; we’ve barely even acknowledged this scene exists yet; why isn’t today like any other day-in-the-life?

Actor 2: Director hates love scenes and wants it finished as quick as possible.

Actor 1: They’re the one who wrote it!  (Picks up the script) And, I have to say, this has to be the wordiest love scene ever written, in any medium.  By the way, I’ve never actually filmed one of these before, so I’m a little nervous.

Actor 2: Don’t be: there’ll be a bajillion crew members watching, they take forever to film, and you spend half the time waiting for the cameras and lights to be reset.  So you’re telling me you haven’t memorized the lines yet?

Actor 1: Well, no; honestly, I’ve been putting it off, it’s just so – word-heavy.

Actor 2: Yeah, I’ve been having trouble with it, too.  Every time I think I’ve got it down, it turns out I forgot a page.  Whelp – (Scoops up the script) nothing for it except to get through it.  See you in 20.  (Leaves the trailer)

Actor 1: Wait!  (Runs to the door and sticks head out) What if I’m not, you know – (Whispers) in the mood in 20?

Actor 2: Pretend you’re somebody who is – that’s our job.

Actor 1: True; cheers.

(Twenty minutes later, a bajillion crew members have set up a fake hill in front of a fake sunset)

Director: All right everyone, let’s get this over with – the only reason we’re even doing this scene is `cause the executive producer insists on the hot leads making out in every movie.

Actor 1: What?!

Director: (Sits in a chair) Places!

(Actors 1 and 2 find their marks)

Actor 2: (To Director) I was thinking – you mind if we try going with the moment on this, you know, trimming a bit if we feel our characters can’t find the words –

Director: You will read every single word I wrote or you’ll hear from The Guild, is that clear?

Actor 2: Loud and.

Director: (To Actor 1) You: throw that away somewhere.

Actor 1: This?  (Holds up a script covered in highlighter and notes) Um, is it OK if I set it on this large rock right over here –

Director: Get it out of the shot!

Actor 1: Gone!  (Tosses the script off to the side, nearly taking out a crew member) Sorry!

Director: Never mind that – places, again!  Don’t make me repeat myself, again!  (Actors 1 and 2 find their marks again) All right, you two better have the love literally pour off the screen, and Action!

Actor 1: (Starts to turn toward Director) Wha – ?

Actor 2: (Turns Actor 1’s face back) “Why did you follow me out here?”

Actor 1: Oh.  “Don’t you know?”

Actor 2: (Walks slightly away downstage) “No, I don’t understand; I don’t understand anything anymore, everything in my life is so out of control lately, what with The War and all.”

Actor 1: “Ah yes.  The War.”

Actor 2: “And the labor organizers protesting at Father’s factory, threatening to blow up the works when all they want is a good vision plan for once – I sympathize, but when I have to cross the picket line to work on the production line just to keep the place running – oh, I just don’t know what’s right anymore.”

Actor 1: (Places a hand on Actor 2’s shoulder) “I understand.  I feel for you every time I have to shake my protest sign in your face, knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, religious, and spiritual issue, but – ”

Director: You forgot “philosophical.”

Actor 1: (Winces) Ah, shoot.

Director: Go back to “knowing.”

Actor 1: (Looks up to remember) Uh, uh, OK: “Knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, philosophical, religious, and spiritual issue, but you must also know The Truth.”

Actor 2: (Turns to face Actor 1, who drops hand) “And what Truth is that?  The Truth that we are all alone in the universe?  That we are all alone on this planet, even though we are surrounded by billions of our fellows?  That two people can know everything about each other and yet still be strangers?  That – that – that – ” Line?

Director: (Makes a sound of disgust) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 2: (Nods quickly) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 1: “Surely, you must know what I am thinking?”

Actor 2: “Surely, I do not.”

Actor 1: “Take a guess.”

Actor 2: “I have no idea.”

Actor 1: “Not even a tiny inkling?”

Actor 2: “Not even a little bit.”

Actor 1: “Need me to spell it out for you, then?”

Actor 2: “Please speak plainly; I cannot bear circumlocution.”

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you…” um, “you…” um, “you – ”

Director: “Living one more second”!

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you living one more second without knowing The Truth!”

Actor 2: “And what Truth is that?”  (Actor 1 slightly shakes head) “The Truth that we are – ”

Director: You already did that part!

Actor 2: Oh right – line?

Director: Did you guys memorize this or not?

Actor 2: I don’t think that’s what comes next.

Actor 1: We did memorize it, but we thought today would be more for blocking –

Director: You are finishing this scene today if it takes all night!  (Crew members groan) Oh pipe down – you get overtime.  Me, I get a five-figure pittance, so you two “lovebirds” had better get on the ball and sell this thing, ASAP!  Now, back to “The Truth”!

Actor 2: OK, here we go.  (Shakes out arms and stamps feet a few times) “And what Truth is – ”

Director: No!

Actor 2: “What is it?!  Tell me!”

Actor 1: “That I, for the past seven and two-thirds years, have adored you, worshipped you, treasured you, loved you from afar, so far afar, beyond all the mountains, all the trees, all the oceans, all the tributaries, all the – (Bites lower lip) canyons, all the – savannahs, all the – glaciers, all the – the – ”

Actor 2: (Nods encouragingly) “Fjords”?

Actor 1: Yes!

Director: [Grinds teeth]

Actor 2: “All the fjords, all the archipelagos!  I could go on, but when my heart is full of emotion, words fail me.”  (Falls to one knee and grasps Actor 2’s hands) “My darling, my sweet, my angel, do not answer if the answer is ‘No,’ but if the answer is ‘Yes’ will you say it so?”

Director: Ugh, didn’t realized that rhymed – I’ll cut the last bit.  Proceed.

Actor 2: “Oh, my darling, my sweet, my angel, with all my full heart the answer is ‘Yes!’”  (Leans in to kiss Actor 1)

Director: You skipped a page!

Actor 2: Oh drat, I did it again.

Actor 1: Can we take a break?  I’m just not feeling it.

Actor 2: Excuse me?!

Actor 1: (Hisses) You know it’s not you!

Actor 2: Right, sorry.

Director: No breaks!  We are finishing this, do you hear me?!

Actor 1: Sure thing!  Line?

Director: You – !  (Phone rings) I hate my life.  (Answers the phone) What do you want?!... Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. OK, thanks, love you too, bye.  (Disconnects the call and stands) All right everyone, strike the set: scene’s been cut.

Actors 1 and 2: WHAT?!

Director: Movie runtime’s too long; love scene’s first to go.  Take your precious break and be ready to do the volcano rescue sequence in an hour.  (Stomps off as crew members begin tearing down the hill and sunset)

Actor 2: (To Actor 1) Well, that’s a relief.  I have to admit I was focused on the lines so much that I really just wasn’t feeling it, either.

Actor 1: Good thing it got cut, then.  The relationship itself made no sense: the scene could’ve had 10,000 lines and still no one would’ve bought it.