Story 293: You Start Growing Old When You Start Growing Cold

(In Friend 1’s apartment, Friend 2 is sitting on the living room couch and reading a book when Friend 1 enters, pulling on a sweatshirt)

Friend 2: What… are you doing?

Friend 1: (Stops in mid-pull) Eh?

Friend 2: (Points accusingly at the sweatshirt) Why are you putting on that?  It’s over 70° outside!

Friend 1: (Finishes adjusting attire) Yeah, well, it’s cooler inside than it is out.

Friend 2: Not really: it’s over 70° in here, too.  You really should turn your thermostat down, by the way – I saw earlier that it’s set for 85°.

Friend 1: I will turn it down when it is absolutely necessary to do so and not a second earlier, Earth-killer.  (Glances at the thermostat) Besides, I doubt it’s even 70° in here – this thing isn’t a smart thermostat, it’s just a stupid thermostat like the rest of the retro analogue tech scattered throughout the place.

Friend 2: Don’t let them hear you say that: you’ll be the first they turn on during the robot uprising.

Friend 1: I’m quite sure I will be.  (Sits in an armchair and pulls on slipper socks over regular socks on feet)

Friend 2: Oh come on – need me to make a bowl of chicken noodle soup for you too, while you’re at it?!

Friend 1: Ooh, that sounds lovely; would you?

Friend 2: Face it, pal: you’re getting old.

Friend 1: I fail to see the train of logic you boarded to reach that conclusion.

Friend 2: For starters, it’s almost July and you’re dressed like “Winter Is Coming”!

Friend 1: Well technically, we are still in Spring.

Friend 2: We haven’t had Spring in years!  We go straight from Winter to the Rainy Season to Summer!  (Walks to the window and opens it wide) Look at the grass out there, it’s already burning!

Friend 1: (Peers out, unconcernedly) Well, there are some very thoughtless dog walkers in this area.  (Wraps a fleece blanket around self and curls up in the chair)

Friend 2: What – what – what are you doing now?!

Friend 1: Getting comfortable.  Ooh, while you’re up, could you bring me my knit cap from the hall closet, please?

Friend 2: No I will not – you’re going to overheat and die!

Friend 1: Don’t be dramatic; I’m not a car.

Friend 2: (Flops back down on the couch) No, you’re just old.

Friend 1: Again with the “o” word.  And where is the evidence for your newfound hypothesis, hm?

Friend 2: It’s not new; I’ve been noticing it for years.  Every single person of advanced years I know is always freezing the hotter outside it gets.  I guess it’s some kind of core temperature body change we’re all doomed to get; our cells struggling to stay alive as everything breaks down or something.

Friend 1: (Chuckles while briskly rubbing hands together) Hate to burst your bubble, but your premise is flawed: I only just turned 35.  (Friend 2 stares at Friend 1) That’s not old!

Friend 2: In this society and time period, no; biologically, it’s the beginning of the end.

Friend 1: What?!

Friend 2: Think about it: our bodies stop growing by age 21 the latest; we reach our ultimate peak by early 30s the latest; it can only be downhill after that.

Friend 1: What?!

Friend 2: Haven’t you noticed your appetite lessening, your hair graying, your skin drying out, your muscles sagging?

Friend 1: Wha – wel – whe – that last one’s just because I’m a lazy oaf!

Friend 2: Yeah, and wrinkles are starting to show up around your eyes, and your hearing is getting worse, and you’re falling asleep earlier and earlier at night, even in the middle of a movie –

Friend 1: Hey!  I fall asleep because I have had a busy and exhausting day at work!

Friend 2: You work less now than you did in your 20s when you had two jobs and went to school full-time!

Friend 1: I had more motivation back then: it was before my epic failure at life.

Friend 2: Whatever; your memory’s gotten real bad, too.

Friend 1: Has not!  I remember everything about everything with perfect clarity!

Friend 2: OK: what temperature did I say your thermostat was set to earlier?

Friend 1: (Mouth opens and closes several times) Your memory’s bad!

Friend 2: Fine.

Friend 1: (Flings off blanket and walks across the room) And just because I feel a slight chill on a brisk Spring day does not translate into one of the myriad symptoms you’ve obviously been tracking on me to diagnose my supposed early-onset agedom!  (Starts lighting the fireplace)

Friend 2: (Walks over to Friend 1 and snatches away the lighter) You want to be incinerated in your own hot flash go right ahead, but you’re not taking me with you!  (Tosses the lighter onto the couch and picks up the book to leave)

Friend 1: (Snatches the lighter from the couch) Go, leave, revel in the Dog Days of Summer that you claim are going on out there!  I’ll be nice and cozy in here, I thank you.

Friend 2: (Opens the front door) I’ll call you from the beach!  (Leaves)

Friend 1: (Shakes head in disgust, lights fire, and goes back to curling up with the blanket in the chair.  Barely moves when the front door opens again)

Friend 2: (Not meeting Friend 1’s eyes) You got any gloves I could borrow?

Friend 1: (Opens a lamp table drawer and pulls out a pair) I thought you’d never ask.

Story 292: Undercover Bargain Basement

            (In a mall department store fitting room area)

           Friend 1: (Emerging from one of the rooms in an ill-fitting frock, arms spread out wide to display the disaster; approaches Friend 2 who is seated in a comfy chair in the waiting area) Well????

            Friend 2: (Grimaces) Yeah, not any better than the others.  I actually think it’s a bit worse.

           Friend 1: Gaahh!  What good is a store-specific gift card if nothing in said store fits right?!  And the stuff that does fit is priced for rich people who never shop here!  (Removes dress, revealing regular clothes underneath, and flings it onto the floor in emphasis)  And the rest is made for super-tall people who also never shop here!

            Guy: (Has been seated in a comfy chair near Friend 2 the entire time and has not looked up from playing on his phone) Heh-heh-heh, no one ever goes to The Basement.

            Friend 1: (Pauses in disgust at interrupted tirade) Why would they?  Basements are creepy, and so was that laugh.

            Guy: (Finally looks up) Not a basement, The Basement.  (Friend 1 blinks blankly) The one here, on the lower level of the store.  (Blank blinking) It’s been there for about two years.  (Blank blinking) Seriously, you’ve never heard of it?!

            Friend 1: I think you’re making it up.

            Guy: There’re signs for it everywhere; look – (Points to a wall) there’s even one right next to your heard!

            Friend 1: (Turns to stare at a sign that reads “CHECK OUT EVEN MORE SAVINGS IN THE BASEMENT!  LOCATED IN THE LOWER LEVEL – USE THE ESCALATORS AND ELEVATORS IN ACCESSORIES”) Hmmmm….

            Guy: And there’s been at least 10 overhead announcements about it in the past hour.

            Friend 1: I’ve yet to hear one.

            Guy: There’s one literally going on right now!

            (Friend 1 tilts head)

            Overhead Announcement: …Basement, located in the lower level, for even more savings!

            Friend 1: Hmmmm….

            Guy: Marketing truly is a thankless job.

            Friend 2: I actually have noticed all that stuff –

            Friend 1: (Whirls on Friend 2) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: – but I figured there’d just be damage bins or racks of hideous rejects; you know, all the junk no one wants.

            Guy: (Leans back in reverie) Ah, that’s what everyone thinks, right up until the moment they go downstairs and experience the magic and wonder for themselves.

            Friend 1: What, knock-off brands?

           Guy: Hardly.  Think of it as a few steps above a dollar store: you’ll come out of there with bags and bags of pretty decent merch for literally a quarter of what you would’ve paid when they were up here.  Last year, I was able to replace my entire moth-eaten winter wardrobe in one trip to a single rack.

Friend 1: (Disbelievingly) No!

Guy: (Nods) A friend of mine once bought a bedroom set for 20 bucks because the style was out of season.

Friend 2: Whaaaaaaaaaaat????

Guy: And the pajamas are to die for.  The place is an oasis: it’s so beautiful, I could cry.

Friend 1: So what’s the catch – is there a cover charge?

Guy: No.

Friend 1: Secret password?

Guy: No, you just go downstairs.

Friend 1: But there must be booby traps or a maze to navigate or a riddle to solve, yes?

Guy: No, it’s just really really really cheap stuff!... That they want to get rid of and this is the best way to do it.

Friend 1: So if it’s such a paradise, what’re you doing up on this level at all, ever?

Guy: (Jerks head towards the fitting rooms) Serving out my sentence.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry.

Guy: Don’t be; it’s deserved.  (Returns to the phone)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at each other for a moment before Friend 1 gathers the dress from the floor and runs back to the fitting room to grab the other clothes left in there, and Friend 2 collects their bags)

Friend 2: (To Guy) Thanks for the advice – we’ll be heading there now.

Guy: (Looks up again) Ooh, could you do me a favor?  If I’m still here when you’re done, could you let me know if that all-inclusive grill set is still for sale?

Friend 2: (While Friend 1 continuously drops items from an overflowing pile) Sure – want us to ask them to hold it for you?

Guy: Nah, that just looks desperate.

Friend 1: (Throws entire pile of clothes at the reshelves rack, knocking it over; grabs Friend 2’s hand on the way out) Thanks a bunch – stay strong – we’ll write – byeeeeee!!

(In The Basement, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand in the center of the floor with their eyes, mouths, and arms wide open)

Friend 2: There’s so much stuff –

Friend 1: And the quality’s not bad –

Friend 2: And not all the styles are atrocious –

Friend 1: And everything’s so darn cheap –

Friend 1 and Friend 2: SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: Hush, please: this is a sacred space.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Whisper) SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: (Smiles indulgently) It’s all right – off you go.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 each grab a shopping cart and tear though the department picking up clothes, vacuum cleaners, table settings, snow shovels, air hockey tables, and everything else.  They wheel their overloaded carts to the cash registers and nearly topple them over as they snatch the impulse buys that are sitting alongside the register line, asking to be purchased)

Basement Cashier: (After taking 20 minutes to ring up every last item in Friend 1’s cart) That’ll be $14.10.

Friend 1: (Faints)

(Exiting from the elevator back onto the first floor, Friend 1 and Friend 2 slowly push their laden-down carts through the aisles of the store)

Friend 1: You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that out of all of these things, I really only needed one.

Friend 2: Oh yeah, most of mine are gifts so I don’t have to come back here at all during the holiday season.

Friend 1: Smart.

(As they pass the fitting room area they see Guy still seated in the comfy chair – he is surrounded by piles of bags and clothes, with only his head peeking out the top.  He spots the two and raises his eyebrows in inquiry)

Friend 2: Oh, oops – (Cups side of mouth to shout) Sorry dude!  Forgot to check for the grill!

Guy: Understandable!  (Sinks under the piles)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 start pushing their carts again; they only advance a few feet before both carts collapse under the weight)

Friend 1: So… I guess we have to live here then?

Friend 2: That may have been the store’s diabolical plan all along.

Story 291: Jury Duty, Away We Go!

(Monday morning at the county courthouse.  Members of that week’s jury pool wander their way downstairs to the assembly room to spend the next several hours/days, waiting, waiting, and waiting)

Jury Pool Member 1: (To Jury Pool Member 2) Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?  (Points to an empty chair at a long table)

Jury Pool Member 2: (Briefly looks up from 1,000-page novel) Nope: all yours.

Jury Pool Member 1: Sweet.  (Sits, drops a huge camping bag onto the table, and unpacks a laptop, noise-cancelling headphones, video game console, pedicure tub, submarine sandwich, coffee maker, and an apple) Let me know if I’m in the way.

            Jury Pool Member 3: (To Court Employee at check-in) What do you mean I didn’t have to come in today?!

            Court Employee: Your number’s in the group that’s on-call so you didn’t have to come to the courthouse today; said so clearly on the phone message, Web site, e-mail –

            Jury Pool Member 3: So I took a day off from work for nothing?!

            Court Employee: Appears so.  (Hands back summons form) Enjoy.  Next!

           Jury Pool Member 3: (Stands off to the side of the line, staring at the summons) They didn’t need me to come in today… but work thinks I’m here… I have the rest of the day off… AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM!!!  (Runs out of the courthouse screaming in victory)

            Court Employee: (To the Jury Pool) Right, everyone’s now marked as “Present” so they don’t get arrested; here’s the video.  (The rest of the room watches a 10-minute video explaining their duties and demonstrating a trial acted out by an improv class, while Court Employee knits a sweater) Great, that's over; any questions?

            Jury Pool Member 4: (Raises hand) Yes, I –

           Court Employee: No?  Good; lunch is at 12:30; bye.  (Never rising from the chair, continues to knit while wheeling self over to the back office to mark off the beginning of another week on the monotony calendar)

            (Four hours later)

            Jury Pool Member 5: (To Jury Pool Member 6) This is the tenth time I’ve been summoned in two years – I think I may start a new career as a professional juror, help out the justice system with my expertise and all that.

           Jury Pool Member 6: I didn’t think it was legal to be summoned so many times in so short a time?

            Jury Pool Member 5: I move around a lot.

         Jury Pool Member 6: Oh, well, I hadn’t been summoned in over six years; I was getting bummed out `cause I thought they didn’t want me to perform my civic duty.

          Jury Pool Member 7: (Leans over to the other two) All I know is, they’d better not call my name to serve on a jury if they know what’s good for them.

            Jury Pool Member 6: What, will your job get mad at you for being here so long?

            Jury Pool Member 7: No – what?  No, I mean, they’d better not call me, `cause I’ll make them pay.  I hate juries.

            Jury Pool Member 5: I don’t know, it might be exciting to serve on one, you know, liven up things for a few minutes.

            Jury Pool Member 7: Ha!  If you don’t keel over from the boredom of “Voir DIEre,” then the sheer amount of lies streaming over you from all directions will surely crush you where you sit.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Well, I’d like a jury of my peers if that were me on trial.

         Jury Pool Member 7: Up until the moment they find you guilty; then you’re plotting your revenge.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Have you had a bad experience with jury duty, then?

           Jury Pool Member 7: Not with jury duty: with trial by jury.  Twelve randos deciding my fate, when they knew nothing about me and believed every story the lawyers on both sides trotted out before them, all the way through the end?  That’s why you don’t hire people based on a two-minute interview and minimal training – you’re asking for disaster.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Wait, if you’ve been on trial, wouldn’t that make you ineligible to serve as a juror?

           Jury Pool Member 7: You would think so.  Ever since I got out, I’ve served 17 times in five counties and haven’t gotten kicked off once.  (Court Employee starts calling names for jury panels; Jury Pool Member 7’s name is read) Son of a – !  Whelp, here we go for trial #18 – time for my nap.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Have you tried emphasizing you’re an ex-con so you can get kicked off by…somebody?

            Jury Pool Member 7: I’ve thought about it, but I’m also sorely tempted by the $40 a day.

            (In a courtroom)

           Judge: (Looking out at the sea of faces, muttering under breath) Oh no, why did they call a hundred of them, I’ll never see the outside world again.  (Addressing the crowd) All right, let’s get this started and done as fast as humanly possible.  (Judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant, and court employees burst out laughing) Yeah, I needed that.

            (Two hours later)

           Judge: (To Jurors in the Jury Box) Now, the witnesses in this case are as follows: (Reads aloud five names) Do any of you know any of them?  (Juror 3 starts waving a hand) Yes?

           Juror 3: Well, actually, I mean, we work together – actually, I mean, we work in the same department – actually, I mean, we work in the same building – actually, I mean, I saw them once in the parking lot –

             Defense Lawyer: (Stands) Your Honor, I move that this juror be stricken from the courtroom!

             Judge: Granted.  (To Juror 3) You can get out of here now.

            Juror 3: Oh.  Oh, OK; thanks.  (Gathers items to leave and briefly turns to face the other jurors while smiling maliciously; in a low voice) SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!

                Jurors 1-2, 4-12: [Grinding teeth]

            (Back in the assembly room)

            Jury Pool Member 8: I don’t understand.

            Jury Pool Member 9: What, the whole jury selection process?

            Jury Pool Member 8: No, I mean I don’t understand why this couple would still sell the house when the interior decorator was able to get the renovations they’d wanted done?

           Jury Pool Member 9: What I don’t understand is why the same show has been on for the past six hours and not one person in this room, myself included, has had the gumption to change the channel.

            Court Employee: (Enters from the back office, still seated in the chair) All right, everyone – these guys here don’t need you anymore, so you can all go fly a kite.

            Jury Pool: Eh?

           Court Employee: Go home and never come back until we threaten you with jail time again three years from now.

            Jury Pool Member 10: (As everyone scrambles for the check-out line so they can leave) Wow, I’ve never gotten out of here after just one day; it’s a miracle!

          Jury Pool Member 11: Awww, they didn’t even call my name; I’ll never get a chance to determine justice and embody the ideals of democracy, never!

           Jury Pool Member 1: (Still at work and soaking feet; pulls off headphones when sees everyone else leaving) Done already?  But I'm not finished!