(Monday morning
at the county courthouse. Members of that
week’s jury pool wander their way downstairs to the assembly room to spend the
next several hours/days, waiting, waiting, and waiting)
Jury Pool Member
1: (To Jury Pool Member 2) Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? (Points to an empty chair at a long table)
Jury Pool Member
2: (Briefly looks up from 1,000-page novel) Nope: all yours.
Jury Pool Member
1: Sweet. (Sits, drops a huge camping
bag onto the table, and unpacks a laptop, noise-cancelling headphones, video
game console, pedicure tub, submarine sandwich, coffee maker, and an apple) Let
me know if I’m in the way.
Jury
Pool Member 3: (To Court Employee at check-in) What do you mean I didn’t have
to come in today?!
Court
Employee: Your number’s in the group that’s on-call so you didn’t have to come
to the courthouse today; said so clearly on the phone message, Web site, e-mail
–
Jury
Pool Member 3: So I took a day off from work for nothing?!
Court
Employee: Appears so. (Hands back
summons form) Enjoy. Next!
Jury
Pool Member 3: (Stands off to the side of the line, staring at the summons)
They didn’t need me to come in today… but work thinks I’m here… I have the rest
of the day off… AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM!!!
(Runs out of the courthouse screaming in victory)
Court
Employee: (To the Jury Pool) Right, everyone’s now marked as “Present” so they
don’t get arrested; here’s the video.
(The rest of the room watches a 10-minute video explaining their duties
and demonstrating a trial acted out by an improv class, while Court Employee
knits a sweater) Great, that's over; any questions?
Jury
Pool Member 4: (Raises hand) Yes, I –
Court
Employee: No? Good; lunch is at 12:30; bye. (Never rising from the chair, continues to
knit while wheeling self over to the back office to mark off the beginning of another
week on the monotony calendar)
(Four
hours later)
Jury
Pool Member 5: (To Jury Pool Member 6) This is the tenth time I’ve been
summoned in two years – I think I may start a new career as a professional
juror, help out the justice system with my expertise and all that.
Jury
Pool Member 6: I didn’t think it was legal to be summoned so many times in so
short a time?
Jury
Pool Member 5: I move around a lot.
Jury
Pool Member 6: Oh, well, I hadn’t been summoned in over six years; I was
getting bummed out `cause I thought they didn’t want me to perform my civic
duty.
Jury
Pool Member 7: (Leans over to the other two) All I know is, they’d better not
call my name to serve on a jury if they know what’s good for them.
Jury
Pool Member 6: What, will your job get mad at you for being here so long?
Jury
Pool Member 7: No – what? No, I mean,
they’d better not call me, `cause I’ll make them pay. I hate juries.
Jury
Pool Member 5: I don’t know, it might be exciting to serve on one, you know,
liven up things for a few minutes.
Jury
Pool Member 7: Ha! If you don’t keel
over from the boredom of “Voir DIEre,” then the sheer amount of lies streaming
over you from all directions will surely crush you where you sit.
Jury
Pool Member 6: Well, I’d like a jury of my peers if that were me on
trial.
Jury
Pool Member 7: Up until the moment they find you guilty; then you’re plotting
your revenge.
Jury
Pool Member 6: Have you had a bad experience with jury duty, then?
Jury
Pool Member 7: Not with jury duty: with trial by jury. Twelve randos deciding my fate, when
they knew nothing about me and believed every story the lawyers on both sides trotted
out before them, all the way through the end?
That’s why you don’t hire people based on a two-minute interview and minimal training – you’re
asking for disaster.
Jury
Pool Member 5: Wait, if you’ve been on trial, wouldn’t that make you
ineligible to serve as a juror?
Jury
Pool Member 7: You would think so. Ever
since I got out, I’ve served 17 times in five counties and haven’t gotten
kicked off once. (Court Employee starts calling
names for jury panels; Jury Pool Member 7’s name is read) Son of a – ! Whelp, here we go for trial #18 – time for my
nap.
Jury
Pool Member 5: Have you tried emphasizing you’re an ex-con so you can get
kicked off by…somebody?
Jury
Pool Member 7: I’ve thought about it, but I’m also sorely tempted by the $40 a
day.
(In
a courtroom)
Judge:
(Looking out at the sea of faces, muttering under breath) Oh no, why did they
call a hundred of them, I’ll never see the outside world again. (Addressing the crowd) All right, let’s get
this started and done as fast as humanly possible. (Judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant,
and court employees burst out laughing) Yeah, I needed that.
(Two
hours later)
Judge:
(To Jurors in the Jury Box) Now, the witnesses in this case are as follows:
(Reads aloud five names) Do any of you know any of them? (Juror 3 starts waving a hand) Yes?
Juror
3: Well, actually, I mean, we work together – actually, I mean, we work in the
same department – actually, I mean, we work in the same building – actually, I
mean, I saw them once in the parking lot –
Defense
Lawyer: (Stands) Your Honor, I move that this juror be stricken from the
courtroom!
Judge:
Granted. (To Juror 3) You can get out of
here now.
Juror
3: Oh. Oh, OK; thanks. (Gathers items to leave and briefly turns to
face the other jurors while smiling maliciously; in a low voice) SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!
Jurors 1-2, 4-12: [Grinding
teeth]
(Back
in the assembly room)
Jury
Pool Member 8: I don’t understand.
Jury
Pool Member 9: What, the whole jury selection process?
Jury
Pool Member 8: No, I mean I don’t understand why this couple would still sell
the house when the interior decorator was able to get the renovations they’d
wanted done?
Jury
Pool Member 9: What I don’t understand is why the same show has been on for
the past six hours and not one person in this room, myself included, has had
the gumption to change the channel.
Court
Employee: (Enters from the back office, still seated in the chair) All right,
everyone – these guys here don’t need you anymore, so you can all go fly a
kite.
Jury
Pool: Eh?
Court
Employee: Go home and never come back until we threaten you with jail time
again three years from now.
Jury
Pool Member 10: (As everyone scrambles for the check-out line so they can
leave) Wow, I’ve never gotten out of here after just one day; it’s a miracle!
Jury
Pool Member 11: Awww, they didn’t even call my name; I’ll never get a chance to
determine justice and embody the ideals of democracy, never!
Jury
Pool Member 1: (Still at work and soaking feet; pulls off headphones when sees
everyone else leaving) Done already? But
I'm not finished!
