(In a tiny apartment, Parent Self is stirring a pot of stew on the stove while loud music is blaring in the background)
Parent Self: You know, it hasn’t been easy. You try to teach yourself right; you tell yourself, “This is what you have to do to get somewhere in life; this is what you need to sacrifice; this is how hard you have to work to make something of yourself.” And, it’s as if I haven’t said a single word. To myself.
Child Self: (Slumps in from the living room, appearing exactly the same as Parent Self but much shabbier) Oh hey – (Gestures to the pot) don’t bother with that; already ordered takeout.
Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) This stew is extremely better for us than takeout.
Child Self: I know, but that’s also, you know, work. Pay someone else to do it. (Slumps back into the living room)
Parent Self: (Sighs as the pot disappears) I sometimes wonder why I still bother trying.
(That evening, Child Self is sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie and eating messily from a takeout container when Parent Self starts vacuuming)
Child Self: (With mouth full, pausing the video) Do you have to do that now?!
Parent Self: (Shuts off the vacuum cleaner; says sweetly) I’m sorry, was I interrupting something important?
Child Self: (Sheepishly) No….
Parent Self: Well then. (Resumes vacuuming)
Child Self: But why now?!
Parent Self: (Turns off the vacuum again) The time scheduled to clean this place appears to be “Never,” so “Now” is as good a time as any at this point.
Child Self: I was gonna get around to it! Eventually!
Parent Self: (Nods) Yeah, that method tends to result in you actually doing the chore, or project, or promise an average of two years after the thought first enters our head. (Sets aside the vacuum cleaner and begins wiping dust off everything)
Child Self: (Grumbles while fumbling with the video controls) Nag.
Parent Self: (Whirls around) Excuse me?!
Child Self: Your expectations for our behavior are ridiculously high! We actually work at an actual job all day, and commute almost an hour each way surrounded by horrible horribles, so when we finally do get home from that soul-sucking experience, I wanna relax! It’s only fair – what more do you want from our life?!
Parent Self: Listen: I didn’t bust our butt through all those years of school and all those extracurricular activities trying to make some kind of a success of our life, just to watch you spectacularly fail to launch ever since and instead spend hours and hours uselessly prone upon the couch watching drivel and eating garbage!
Child Self: Well, what else am I supposed to do 9:00 at night?!
Parent Self: …Find the cure to cancer! (Begins vacuuming again as Child Self rolls eyes and resumes the video)
(At a restaurant, Child Self and Parent Self sit at a table across from Date)
Date: So, I had a great time tonight! This was fun; I haven’t gone out on one of these in a long while.
Child Self: Me neither; guess life got in the way, huh?
Parent Self: (Turns slightly away) Hmf!
Child Self: (Mutters) What was that?
Parent Self: Oh, nothing. Just mildly surprised to hear the implication that we’ve been too busy for something, that’s all.
Server: (Places the bill on the middle of the table) Whenever you’re ready, but we close in 20 minutes. (Immediately leaves)
Parent Self: (Snatches the bill) Now let’s see what we can’t afford tonight….
Child Self: (Snatches the bill and addresses Date) Actually, I was thinking just for tonight we could split it –
Parent Self: (Snatches the bill back) Actually, you know better that since we were the one who invited this charming individual out tonight, we should be the one to pay the entire bill.
Child Self: (Tries to snatch the bill back but Parent Self holds on this time; they begin to tug-of-war it) It was a mutual ask-out, not an invite, and we can’t exactly pay the entire bill right now!
Parent Self: Well maybe that wouldn’t be an issue if you hadn’t kept ordering things we don’t need!
Date: It’s OK, I don’t mind treating you to dinner tonight –
Parent and Child Self: You stay out of this!
Date: (Blows air through cheeks, takes out a wallet, and places money on the table as the others’ struggle continues) Here: this should cover the tip; thanks for dinner and see you – whenever. (Hustles out the door)
Child Self: (As both let the bill drop onto the table) Oh. I think we just got dumped before we were even officially dating.
Parent Self: Sounds about par for our course.
(Back at the apartment on a weeknight, Parent Self is folding laundry while sitting on the couch next to Child Self; the latter is sprawled out again while scrolling through a phone, forever falling down the Internet rabbit hole)
Parent Self: I try, and I try – and I really don’t like what we’ve become.
Child Self: (Laughs hysterically at the screen) Genius! Another dopamine rush to the brain – whoosh! (To Parent Self) Oh, you can just throw all that stuff in the closet – just gonna wear `em out again anyway, what’s the point?
Parent Self: (As the laundry basket disappears) I was thinking it would be a good idea to take up running again, maybe early in the morning or after work, like when we did track in high school?
Child Self: (Thinks for a few moments) Yeah, those were fun times; we were in the best shape of our life then.
Parent Self: Yes. Yes we were.
Child Self: (Thinks for a few seconds more, then turns off the phone) Nah: don’t feel like it; too much effort. Sleepy now. (Rolls over and falls asleep)
Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) The struggle is ongoing, but a parent never gives up on a child. Even when that child is yourself.
