Story 340: Cooking by Substitution

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(In a home kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)

Chef: Hello, culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals Using Home Cooking”?  “Fancy Cooking for Home Meals”?  “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy Meals”?  Whatever; I’ll figure it out later.  Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall we?

(Jump cut to Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)

Chef: Our soup recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not gonna complain, am-I-right?  (Begins chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time) 

Chef: (Wipes brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the same time.  And on to the beans!  (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee!  (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after all – I retract my previous slander.  (Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh?  All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?

Off-Screen Voice: That’s the same thing.

Chef: I told you earlier – you don’t exist in this video!

(Jump cut to more can-opening)

Chef: (Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?”  (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is, but one makes do.  (Dumps tomato paste into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t you agree?  Comment below!

Off-Screen Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.

Chef: Troll.

(Jump cut to Chef pouring broth into the pot)

Chef: Recipe says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth.  (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t tell if you won’t.

Off-Screen Voice: You just told the world.

Chef: Oh for –

(Jump cut to a line-up of spices)

Chef: Right: fresh garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using these handy-dandy dried-up versions.  (Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves” and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!  (A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of the spice falling in after) Oops.  Reverse, reverse!  (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess spice with a spoon)

(Jump cut to closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?

            Off-Screen Voice: It should at least be close.

            Chef: Nobody asked you!

            Off-Screen Voice: You literally just did.

            (Chef throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the stove)

           Chef: So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!  That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!  (Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow cooker.  Well, since I don’t have one, simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t you agree?

            (Jump cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)

          Chef: And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today!  (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm.  A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup, but there you have it!  Fancy meal with all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home!  Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!

            Off-Screen Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.

            Chef: Turn off the camera.

Story 339: This Love Scene Has Too Much Dialogue

(In a trailer on a movie set, Actor 1 preps in front of a large mirror)

Actor 1: (To Mirror) OK, Champ, get this scene right and your fans’ll swoon forever.  Mess it up, they’ll think you’re a goofball and end your career.  (Narrows eyes at mirror) Why am I even talking to you about this – you’re a piece of furniture.  (There is a knock on the door; in a sing-song voice) Who is it?

Actor 2: Your co-star – can I talk to you for a minute?

Actor 1: Umm, OK.  (Actor 2 enters) You know, we have the scene today: you really shouldn’t see the bride before the wedding, heh-heh-heh.

Actor 2: Yeah, about that.  (Drops a copy of the large script onto the makeup table) I assume you’ve read it by now.

Actor 1: Why yes, we’ve all read it by now; I was at the table read.

Actor 2: I meant, really read it.  As in, completely memorized it?

Actor 1: (Fidgets with a blush applicator) Oh, well, today’s just for blocking where our feet and other bits’ll go –

Actor 2: No, it isn’t, our awesome leader wants it done by end-of-day.  As in, ready for post and no reshoots.

Actor 1: (Drops the applicator) What?  But – not even a walk-through?  We’re still doing reshoots on everything else; we’ve barely even acknowledged this scene exists yet; why isn’t today like any other day-in-the-life?

Actor 2: Director hates love scenes and wants it finished as quick as possible.

Actor 1: They’re the one who wrote it!  (Picks up the script) And, I have to say, this has to be the wordiest love scene ever written, in any medium.  By the way, I’ve never actually filmed one of these before, so I’m a little nervous.

Actor 2: Don’t be: there’ll be a bajillion crew members watching, they take forever to film, and you spend half the time waiting for the cameras and lights to be reset.  So you’re telling me you haven’t memorized the lines yet?

Actor 1: Well, no; honestly, I’ve been putting it off, it’s just so – word-heavy.

Actor 2: Yeah, I’ve been having trouble with it, too.  Every time I think I’ve got it down, it turns out I forgot a page.  Whelp – (Scoops up the script) nothing for it except to get through it.  See you in 20.  (Leaves the trailer)

Actor 1: Wait!  (Runs to the door and sticks head out) What if I’m not, you know – (Whispers) in the mood in 20?

Actor 2: Pretend you’re somebody who is – that’s our job.

Actor 1: True; cheers.

(Twenty minutes later, a bajillion crew members have set up a fake hill in front of a fake sunset)

Director: All right everyone, let’s get this over with – the only reason we’re even doing this scene is `cause the executive producer insists on the hot leads making out in every movie.

Actor 1: What?!

Director: (Sits in a chair) Places!

(Actors 1 and 2 find their marks)

Actor 2: (To Director) I was thinking – you mind if we try going with the moment on this, you know, trimming a bit if we feel our characters can’t find the words –

Director: You will read every single word I wrote or you’ll hear from The Guild, is that clear?

Actor 2: Loud and.

Director: (To Actor 1) You: throw that away somewhere.

Actor 1: This?  (Holds up a script covered in highlighter and notes) Um, is it OK if I set it on this large rock right over here –

Director: Get it out of the shot!

Actor 1: Gone!  (Tosses the script off to the side, nearly taking out a crew member) Sorry!

Director: Never mind that – places, again!  Don’t make me repeat myself, again!  (Actors 1 and 2 find their marks again) All right, you two better have the love literally pour off the screen, and Action!

Actor 1: (Starts to turn toward Director) Wha – ?

Actor 2: (Turns Actor 1’s face back) “Why did you follow me out here?”

Actor 1: Oh.  “Don’t you know?”

Actor 2: (Walks slightly away downstage) “No, I don’t understand; I don’t understand anything anymore, everything in my life is so out of control lately, what with The War and all.”

Actor 1: “Ah yes.  The War.”

Actor 2: “And the labor organizers protesting at Father’s factory, threatening to blow up the works when all they want is a good vision plan for once – I sympathize, but when I have to cross the picket line to work on the production line just to keep the place running – oh, I just don’t know what’s right anymore.”

Actor 1: (Places a hand on Actor 2’s shoulder) “I understand.  I feel for you every time I have to shake my protest sign in your face, knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, religious, and spiritual issue, but – ”

Director: You forgot “philosophical.”

Actor 1: (Winces) Ah, shoot.

Director: Go back to “knowing.”

Actor 1: (Looks up to remember) Uh, uh, OK: “Knowing we are on opposite sides of every type of moral, political, social, philosophical, religious, and spiritual issue, but you must also know The Truth.”

Actor 2: (Turns to face Actor 1, who drops hand) “And what Truth is that?  The Truth that we are all alone in the universe?  That we are all alone on this planet, even though we are surrounded by billions of our fellows?  That two people can know everything about each other and yet still be strangers?  That – that – that – ” Line?

Director: (Makes a sound of disgust) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 2: (Nods quickly) “That two people can never really know what the other is thinking?”

Actor 1: “Surely, you must know what I am thinking?”

Actor 2: “Surely, I do not.”

Actor 1: “Take a guess.”

Actor 2: “I have no idea.”

Actor 1: “Not even a tiny inkling?”

Actor 2: “Not even a little bit.”

Actor 1: “Need me to spell it out for you, then?”

Actor 2: “Please speak plainly; I cannot bear circumlocution.”

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you…” um, “you…” um, “you – ”

Director: “Living one more second”!

Actor 1: “And I cannot bear the thought of you living one more second without knowing The Truth!”

Actor 2: “And what Truth is that?”  (Actor 1 slightly shakes head) “The Truth that we are – ”

Director: You already did that part!

Actor 2: Oh right – line?

Director: Did you guys memorize this or not?

Actor 2: I don’t think that’s what comes next.

Actor 1: We did memorize it, but we thought today would be more for blocking –

Director: You are finishing this scene today if it takes all night!  (Crew members groan) Oh pipe down – you get overtime.  Me, I get a five-figure pittance, so you two “lovebirds” had better get on the ball and sell this thing, ASAP!  Now, back to “The Truth”!

Actor 2: OK, here we go.  (Shakes out arms and stamps feet a few times) “And what Truth is – ”

Director: No!

Actor 2: “What is it?!  Tell me!”

Actor 1: “That I, for the past seven and two-thirds years, have adored you, worshipped you, treasured you, loved you from afar, so far afar, beyond all the mountains, all the trees, all the oceans, all the tributaries, all the – (Bites lower lip) canyons, all the – savannahs, all the – glaciers, all the – the – ”

Actor 2: (Nods encouragingly) “Fjords”?

Actor 1: Yes!

Director: [Grinds teeth]

Actor 2: “All the fjords, all the archipelagos!  I could go on, but when my heart is full of emotion, words fail me.”  (Falls to one knee and grasps Actor 2’s hands) “My darling, my sweet, my angel, do not answer if the answer is ‘No,’ but if the answer is ‘Yes’ will you say it so?”

Director: Ugh, didn’t realized that rhymed – I’ll cut the last bit.  Proceed.

Actor 2: “Oh, my darling, my sweet, my angel, with all my full heart the answer is ‘Yes!’”  (Leans in to kiss Actor 1)

Director: You skipped a page!

Actor 2: Oh drat, I did it again.

Actor 1: Can we take a break?  I’m just not feeling it.

Actor 2: Excuse me?!

Actor 1: (Hisses) You know it’s not you!

Actor 2: Right, sorry.

Director: No breaks!  We are finishing this, do you hear me?!

Actor 1: Sure thing!  Line?

Director: You – !  (Phone rings) I hate my life.  (Answers the phone) What do you want?!... Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. OK, thanks, love you too, bye.  (Disconnects the call and stands) All right everyone, strike the set: scene’s been cut.

Actors 1 and 2: WHAT?!

Director: Movie runtime’s too long; love scene’s first to go.  Take your precious break and be ready to do the volcano rescue sequence in an hour.  (Stomps off as crew members begin tearing down the hill and sunset)

Actor 2: (To Actor 1) Well, that’s a relief.  I have to admit I was focused on the lines so much that I really just wasn’t feeling it, either.

Actor 1: Good thing it got cut, then.  The relationship itself made no sense: the scene could’ve had 10,000 lines and still no one would’ve bought it.

Story 338: Pub Trivia Night – Classical Edition

            (A group noisily arrives at a pub in the early evening)

           Customer 1: All right everybody, order your rounds and get them out of the way – we have serious business tonight that will require all our concentration.

            Customer 2: Yeah, serious business making serious money!

            Group: Huzzah!

            Bartender: Trivia Night doesn’t start for another two hours, and the only prizes are gift cards to this place.

            Customer 1: …This calls for another round!

            Group: Huzzah!

TWO HOURS LATER

         M.C.: Yowza, yowza, yowza, all you cats and kittens, it’s time for our weekly TRIVIA NIIIIGHT!!!!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: Now, since we do it old school here: pencils and papers at the ready?

            Crowd: (Waving pencils and papers in the air) Wooooo!!!!

            M.C.: And away we go!

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

           M.C.: Seriously, though, you’re gonna need to keep it down a bit – the wrestling ring next door’s been complaining.

            Crowd: Wooooo!!!!

             M.C.: And yowza, yowza, yow – oh, already did that part – on to the first question!  (Hits a button on a control to start the game on the television screens throughout the pub) This one’s a softball: Which male character appeared in the most of Shakespeare’s plays?

            (The Crowd blinks as one at the M.C.)

            Customer 3: Oh come on, buddy, at least try to make it hard!

            Customer 4: Yeah, any idiot knows the answer’s Bardolph!

            Crowd: Duh!  

            M.C.: You are correct!  The answer is “That idiot Bardolph!”

Customer 2: Oh, I thought it was Falstaff.

M.C.: That one was just to lure you in: now, (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) here’s an intermediate one.  True or False: Voyage to the West, published in the 1590s during the Ming Dynasty, is considered one of the Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature.

Customer 5: Really, another softball?  True!

M.C.: Ha!  In your face – that’s False!

Customer 5: What?!  Don’t give me that rot; Voyage to the West practically invented the novel!

M.C.: Yes, but the English translation of the title is Journey to the West, so the answer’s False, ahahahaha!

Customer 5: I – but – it – I’ll fight you!

M.C.: Next question!  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) In Cinderella, what was the slipper the prince tried on her made of?

(Crowd mutters in consultation)

Customer 6: (Raises hand) Is this Charles Perrault’s Cinderella, Brothers Grimm’s Cinderella, or another Cinderella entirely?

M.C.: Ooh, you guys learned fast: Brothers Grimm.

Customer 6: Well then it’s a golden slipper, since that was the last gift those magic birds dropped on her.

M.C.: Correctamundo!  Onwards and upwards.  (Hits a button on the control to display the next question) Ooh, we have a Name That Tune!

Crowd: Woot-woot!

M.C.: For this one, you’ll get 30 seconds of an instrumental piece: you then must name the title of the song, the opera it’s featured in, and the composer to get full points!  Bonus if you also get the librettist.

Customer 7: Boo!  Too many requirements!  (Throws a handful of potato chips at the M.C. and misses)

M.C.: You’re cleaning that up later.  (Plays the 30-second clip) Anyone?  (Crowd mutters in consultation) Really, folks, this one’s practically a gimme.

Customer 8: We’ve got it!  (Stands) That was “Au fond du temple saint” from Les Pêcheurs de Perles by Bizet!

M.C.: (Stares coldly at Customer 8) It clearly was “Song to the Moon,” from Rusalka, by Dvořák, you uncultured swine!  (Customer 8 sits in shame) What am I going to do with you?  Now, Lighting Round: in one minute, write the names of as many writers you can who died before the age of 40, go!

Customer 9: That’s just sick.

M.C.: Fifty-five seconds!  (The Crowd writes furiously) Aaaaaand time!  Let’s see the results!  (Collects papers from every group and whips through each)  All right, which joker wrote Harper Lee?!  She died at age 90!

Customer 10: Yeah, but her one real book was at age 34, so she was literarily dead after that.

M.C.: This is not a subjective essay question!  That’s in the Bonus Round!

Crowd: (Moans en masse; everyone flings down their pencils and leaves)

Bartender: (To M.C.) Thanks for ruining my tips for the rest of the night.

M.C.: Whatever.  (Hits a button on the control to the display next question) Perhaps you can answer the question of “Did Impressionism impede or hasten the rise of Dadaism?” in 10 paragraphs or fewer, then.

Bartender: (Grabs a tossed pencil and paper) Sure; got nothing else going on right now.