(At an office party)
Coworker 1: (Holding a plate of
dessert) Glad they brought the cookies out for this one – I can’t eat cake
anymore.
Coworker 2: (Also holding a plate of
dessert; gestures with it toward the guest-of-honor who is surrounded by
changing groups of colleagues) I can’t believe she’s leaving – she’s been here
for almost 15 years, and she’s just up and leaving.
Coworker 1: (After biting into a
cookie) Ugh, raisins?! I thought they
were chocolate chips! (Holds up the partially
eaten cookie to stare judgmentally at it) Liar.
Coworker 2: I mean, she practically is
the department by now – and you know they’ll take forever to hire a replacement,
if they hire one at all – but I can’t blame her, I mean, taking a job in the
City really is a better career move then staying pretty much anywhere in this
area.
Coworker 1: Ha! She’ll be back in less than a year.
Coworker 2: What?
Coworker 1: You may not have
noticed, but no one here ever leaves for good – they always come back in the
end. Look at our CEO. (Waves at a partying figure in the corner,
who waves enthusiastically back)
Coworker 2: Yeah, but that was
different: we’d lost our interim and needed them to come back.
Coworker 1: They wouldn’t’ve come
back if, deep down, they really didn’t want to.
Same thing happened in Marketing last year, and that guy had full-out
retired for crying out loud.
Coworker 2: Yeah, but – well….
Coworker 1: Exactly.
Coworker 2: Maybe he just got bored
Coworker 1: Doesn’t matter: no one
can stay away from this place forever.
It’s like a compulsion, a siren call, a literal pull – yoink! – back
into the spider’s web of madness. Same
thing’ll happen to you, if you ever quit; doesn’t apply to people who get
fired.
Coworker 2: (Laughs nervously) Oh,
well, I wouldn’t –
Coworker 1: It’s obvious you’re
looking – nothing to be ashamed of, everyone’s got their reasons. I’m just saying: if you get hired somewhere
else, don’t expect to be gone from here for long.
Coworker 2: Really?
Coworker 1: (Eats a mini-muffin)
Mmm-mmm! Uh-huh; I’m a prime example:
I’ve quit my job here seven times already, and I’ll be celebrating my 20th
nonconsecutive year next month.
Coworker 2: Oh. Wow.
Coworker 1: (Tosses plate and napkin
into the garbage) Uh-huh. My advice: take
advantage of any food you can get out of this place. (Heads over to the crowd surrounding the
guest-of-honor)
Coworker 2: Oh. Hmmmm….
NEXT
OFFICE PARTY
Coworker 2: So, here we are, at
another one.
Coworker 1: Yep – nice that they
sprung for finger sandwiches this time, really carries me over from
mid-afternoon to dinner.
Coworker 2: You were totally right,
by the way.
Coworker 1: I often am. About what this time?
Coworker 2: (Gestures with a plate
toward a figure partying in the corner) She’s back, not six months after the
last party here that was for her.
Coworker 1: You doubted me? The prophecy is always fulfilled. (Gestures toward the current guest-of-honor
who is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) I’ll give this one a year
since the company actually did hire a replacement right away, and I heard the
new job’s pretty decent. But The Call will
always bring them back.
Coworker 2: Hm. You know, I actually gave my two-week notice
to my manager yesterday.
Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2,
then laughs evilly) Seriously, though, congratulations and best of luck. Going anywhere good?
Coworker 2: Seems like it: it’s in a
different field, but I’ll be doing stuff similar to what I’m doing here. The pay and benefits also are much better, I
hate to say.
Coworker 1: (Devours a brownie) So,
see you in nine months, then?
Coworker 2: You shouldn’t; this is
permanent.
Coworker 1: That’s what they all say.
NINE
MONTHS LATER
(At an office party)
Coworker 1: (Working on a piece of
babka) Well, look who’s back.
Coworker 2: (Grabs a plate and piles
all the dessert onto it) Don’t, don’t say it, don’t say “I told you so – ”
Coworker 1: Furthest thing from my
mind.
Coworker 2: Thank you.
Coworker 1: BUT –
Coworker 2: Ugh.
Coworker 1: I like how you snuck in
under the radar and they didn’t even announce you’d come back – classy. So, did you start hearing The Call only
recently, or did it begin screaming at you on your first day there?
Coworker 2: Very funny. You know, they should really disclose on job
postings that all your coworkers are going to be psychopaths so you’re aware
what you’re getting into before you fill out the application.
Coworker 1: Good point. (Gestures to the current guest-of-honor who
is surrounded by changing groups of colleagues) This one’s a fake-out, by the
way: they’re not really leaving, just going from full-time to per diem. Guess the company figured, do one party now
and save the expense from a back-and-forth later.
Coworker 2: (Angrily stabs a piece
of cake with a fork) I’m starting to remember all the reasons why I left here,
but I have to be grateful they took me back at all or else I’d be unemployed
and in a worse mess. Is this similar to
being trapped in an abusive relationship?
Coworker 1: Hardly – your life’s not
in danger, and you still can quit whenever you want.
Coworker 2: Sure I can. (Angrily chews)
Coworker 1: By the way, I gave my
two-week notice the other day.
Coworker 2: Really? Why?
Coworker 1: Needed a vacation –
haven’t been able to take one in over two years.
