Story 512: Oblivia and the Vampire

            (In a movie theater lobby, Oblivia and Friend make their way to the exit)

Friend: Well, all I can say is I’m glad I only spent $6 on what we just saw because, wow.

Oblivia: (Scraping the bottom of a popcorn bucket to get the remnants) How do you mean?

Friend: For one thing, at least an hour could’ve been trimmed off the runtime since that middle section led absolutely nowhere, and for another, the storyline was predictable and boring!

Oblivia: (Tosses the empty bucket into a garbage can before the two exit the building to hover near the curb) I thought it was all right – I like it when I know how something’s going to end, it gives me a sense of security and lessens my anxiety about fictional characters’ fates.

Friend: Fine – what about the “acting”, emphasis on the air quotes?

Oblivia: Oh, you’re right about that: everyone was pretty much terrible in this one, unfortunately.

Friend: Thank you.

Oblivia: Except for the swing band members who kept randomly popping up – they were hilarious.

Friend: Agree to disagree.  So, need a lift to your car?

Oblivia: Nah; thanks, though: it’s just at the end of that aisle over there.  Gotta get home to the kiddies now?

Friend: Oh no, they’ll be there next week or else I wouldn’t have gone out tonight.  Kind of lonely the weeks they’re not at my house, know-what-I-mean?

Oblivia: Kind of: I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years and it’s mostly fine, but one in a while it gets a little lonely, too.  Maybe I should borrow some kids when I start feeling that way?

Friend: I don’t recommend doing that, ever.  Anyway, this was fun; have a good night; safe getting home!

Oblivia: (Waving as the two part ways) You, too!  (Walks all the way down the nearly empty aisle to reach her car, not noticing a figure leaning against a lamppost almost next to it)

Vampire: (Wearing jeans and a T-shirt clothes; to Oblivia’s back as she is about to open the driver’s side door) Sooooooo….

Oblivia: (Turns around abruptly) Huh?

Vampire: Lonely, are we?  (Makes a show of slowly running tongue over upper fangs)

Oblivia: Heh?

Vampire: (Pauses, then stands up straight) What you were saying to your friend just now.

Oblivia: (Looks up briefly to remember the conversation) Oh, that.  Wait a minute, you eavesdropped on me saying that from almost 1,000 feet away?  That’s a bit rude.

Vampire: …Yeah, it’s kind of hard to turn it off.  Anywho, I possibly could help with you feeling, you know, less lonely.  (Starts moving in closer to Oblivia) Make you feel wanted, instead.  Needed.  Loved.

Oblivia: (Laughs) Thank you very much, but I’m happy with my current religion.

Vampire: What?

Oblivia: Aren’t you a Jehovah’s Witness?

Vampire: (Cackles evilly) Quite the opposite, my dear.

Oblivia: Satanist?

Vampire: No!  That one doesn’t do it for me, either.  Look, what I’m offering is an eternity of never feeling lonely again.

Oblivia: Well, that’s not as much of a problem as you seem to think it is, but how so, then?

Vampire: Because you’ll be MINE FOREVER.  (Eyes blazing red and fangs lengthening, begins reaching for Oblivia)

Oblivia: (Grimaces) Ew.  Textbook possessive behavior with a hearty dollop of narcissism to boot.  No thanks!  (Gets into the car, gestures at Vampire to back up a smidgen, and drives off)

Vampire: (Staring at the receding car with arms still outstretched) …WHAT?!

(At home, Oblivia has changed into pajamas and is putting away some clothes lying around her bedroom when she sees something fluttering at the closed window)

Oblivia: Is that a confused bird?  (Peers closer through the glare of the bedroom light on the window at the figure now perched on the outside ledge) Aw, it’s a bat!  You go get all those bloodsucking mosquitos, buddy!  (Bat morphs into Vampire, then falls off the ledge) Oh, you again.  How’d you find out here I live?

Vampire: (Stands while brushing off leaves and dirt) I followed you here, obviously.

Oblivia: And a stalker too; you’re just one big mess, aren’t you?

Vampire: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot – please allow me to make it up to you.

Oblivia: Sure thing: you can start by leaving since it’s beddy-bye time.

Vampire: (Tries to lean alluringly on the narrow ledge) I was thinking more along the lines of me showing you the wonders of the night.

Oblivia: Is that a new pick-up line?

Vampire: (Stands up) No, it’s – here, I can explain everything if you just invite me in.

Oblivia: Why would I do that?  You’re a stranger.

Vampire: For what I just said!  The wonders of the night!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I’m more of a morning person.

Vampire: You don’t understand – I’m offering you immortality!  You will never grow old, you will never become ill, you will never die!  (In a low voice) Again.

Oblivia: What was that last part?

Vampire: Power over your enemies!

Oblivia: I don’t have any.

Vampire: All the money in the world!

Oblivia: Eh – not worth it after the first two million.

Vampire: Never having to go to work again!

Oblivia: (Slides up the window and leans on the sill) I’m listening.

Vampire: (Also leans on the outside ledge) Freedom to travel anywhere and everywhere you’ve ever wanted to go!  The world will be your oyster that you literally suck dry!

Oblivia: Gross.

Vampire: Well, that is the catch.

Oblivia: What, I gotta eat only oysters now?

Vampire: (Sighs, then adopts an ominous tone) In exchange for all these glorious rewards, you merely need to feast on your former fellow creatures.

Oblivia: (Gasps in horror) You’re a cannibal?!

Vampire: For the love of – I’m a vampire!

Oblivia: You’re a what?

Vampire: Yes, we exist, we’re here to stay, and I have selected you for the honor of joining our loving family.  Clearly out of convenience rather than merit, since no one else was nearby at the time.

Oblivia: No, I mean, what’s a vampire?

Vampire: (Laughs, then stops on seeing the blank look on Oblivia’s face) You’re not serious?

Oblivia: Yeah, are you trying to say you’re a special kind of umpire or something like that?

Vampire: Let me get this straight: you’re telling me, in this day and age, in this part of the world, inundated by pop culture whether you like it or not, you have never heard of the word “vampire”?!

Oblivia: Nope, but I also don’t pick up on much in general, so don’t take it personally.  Did you get special training for this career?

Vampire: (Stares inwardly and shakes head) Unbelievable….

Oblivia: (Stands) Whelp, this was a nice break from the routine, but I gotta go into work early tomorrow, so, bye!  (Slams the window shut, closes the blinds, turns out the light, gets into bed, and falls asleep immediately)

Vampire: (Sits down on a nearby bush, still staring inwardly) Unbelievable….

(In a supermarket parking lot late the next afternoon, Oblivia whistles while wheeling a shopping cart of groceries to her car as the sun sets)

Vampire: (Lands while transforming from bat form immediately after the sun is gone) Heyyyy....

Oblivia: (After tossing the last bag into the trunk) Oh, hey, still not staying as a bat again?

Vampire: No, the bat’s only for transportation!

Oblivia: (Tsks) That’s too bad, I liked that version of you better; such a cute, furry little thing.  (Slams the trunk door shut and wheels the shopping cart to a nearby corral)

Vampire: (Mutedly grinds fangs while trotting along to keep up) Have you considered my proposal at all today?

Oblivia: (Shoves the cart a few times into a growing stack until it fits) Hm?  I don’t remember you asking me to marry you last night; we haven’t even gotten to the fooling-around stage yet.

Vampire: (Eyes begin blazing red and fangs lengthen again) This is your last chance, Mortal!

Oblivia: (Walking back to the car as Vampire again trots along to keep up) Great, you think you’re a god now; there’s really nowhere else to go from there.

Vampire: (Runs in front of Oblivia to hypnotize her) <Give your soul to me!>

Oblivia: (Stops) Wow.  I think you need to work on that self-esteem issue that’s clearly the root of all your problems.  (Digs into her handbag and hands Vampire a business card) I always find volunteering is a great way to put things in perspective while helping others in need – this organization distributes food and clothing and provides people with job training; I seriously recommend you contact them to help out where you can.  They’re mostly only open during the day, but I’m sure they can find something for you to do that fits your apparently nocturnal schedule.  (Pats Vampire on the shoulder) Best wishes on your life!  (Gets into the car and drives off)

(Vampire stares at the car, then back down at the card as a bat flies over and transforms into Head Vampire)

Head Vampire: Well?  That one was practically a “gimme”, and yet you managed to utterly fail in either converting her to one of us or even making a meal for yourself!  By all rights, I should demote you back to “Trainee” status since remedial education is clearly in order!

Vampire: (Hangs head in shame) I understand.

Head Vampire: And what is that she gave you!

Vampire: (Hands over the card) Here.

Head Vampire: (Starts reading in disgust, then nods thoughtfully) Hm, maybe it is about time we start giving back to the community. 

Vampire: Might help with our image.

Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.

Story 510: And the Rains Came

“I love autumn!”

“You do?”

“Oh yes: the colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on cheerful display – ”

“HA!”

“…I fail to perceive the cause for that outburst.”

“Where have you been the past 20 years?!  We don’t get autumn anymore!”

“We don’t?”

“No!  We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season, often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”

“But we still get all the stuff I mentioned.”

“Barely!  The leaves don’t noticeably change until November; the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up; and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain, rain, rain!”

“Rain’s not all that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some places.”

“You’re right, it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”

“Well, we’re lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”

“That we are; not so lucky are all the other places that did get hit, multiple times.”

“What about the areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”

“All the more reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that need at least their share!”

“I guess.  Still, I like all the decorations that are out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”

“When they’re not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”

“All right, so the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there, in-between the raindrops.”

“That’s a great attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”

“Well, it could always be worse.”

“How so?”

“Could be snow.”