Story 479: The Shortcut Paradox

(Friend 2 waits next to the driveway as Friend 1’s car turns to pull up it – the engine descends from a semi-loud roar to a steady rattle as it idles after being put into “Park”)

Friend 2: (While entering the passenger side) Coming in for a landing?

Friend 1: (In the driver’s seat, confused) Eh?

Friend 2: (Buckles seat belt) Your car sounds like it’s returned from orbit.

Friend 1: (Shifts into “Reverse” and backs down the driveway with a grinding of gears) Oh hardy-har-har, how original – now do you want to go to Neptune or not?!

Friend 2: (As the car returns to the street, is shifted into “Drive,” and screams increasingly louder while accelerating to escape velocity) What an appropriately named city.

Friend 1: Shut it.  (Things shudder as they turn onto the highway) The car still runs, that’s all I care about.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Until the engine falls out.

Friend 1: That’s Future Me’s problem – whoa!  (Slams on the brake pedal with an ear-splitting screech as two lanes of red lights appear on the road in front of them)

Car: Hey!

Friend 1: Sorry.

Friend 2: (Trying to peer through the sea of cars) Maybe there was an accident?

Friend 1: Must’ve been, or just regular old roadwork – no one ever stops en mass, it’s just not done.  (Drums fingers on the steering wheel for a few seconds, then turns on the right-hand signal and checks the side- and rear-view mirrors) Right: I’m taking a shortcut.

Friend 2: What?  Where?  We only have to go two more lights on this road to get to the diner.

Friend 1: And that’s two lights too many!  (Slides the car onto the shoulder and rides that for some time to the jughandle at the intersection, leaning on the horn when someone else also tries to get into the lane; shouts out the window) I thought of it first, pal!

Friend 2: (Mutters) This is totally illegal.

Friend 1: And so are avoidable traffic jams that waste my time!

(They turn out of the jughandle and make a left at the light to complete the U-turn)

Friend 2: OK, so we’re now going in the completely opposite direction – how is this a shortcut, exactly?

Friend 1: (Turns right onto the next cross street) Easy: we loop around to go parallel to that monstrosity we just left, get back onto the highway south of where said monstrosity ends, and then come up the other side and avoid the whole thing!  Speaking of which – you mind checking navigation on your phone to make sure there’s no traffic jam on the other side, please?

Friend 2: (Sighs, then checks the map app on the phone) No, it looks like everything’s backed up on the one side we just left.

Friend 1: Sweet.  And so, we go – hello.

Friend 2: (Still checking the phone) Yes?

Friend 1: (Pumps the brake pedal several times to rattle to a stop; in a tight voice) You neglected to mention the never-ending line of cars in our immediate path.

Friend 2: Hm?  (Looks up and sees a never-ending line of cars in their immediate path).  Oh.  Well, you didn’t ask me to check this road; you only asked me to check our final destination road.

Friend 1: (Knuckles whiten on the steering wheel) So… I… did…. (Starts pounding the wheel) The blazes is this now?!

Friend 2: (Holds a calming hand over the other two) Easy there.  (Points to an intersection far up ahead) Looks like they’re fixing a downed pole.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to squint, then starts rocking the car as springs squeal in protest) Errrrrrggghhhhh… they closed off the road I was going to turn down….

Friend 2: Then turn down the next one.

Friend 1: (Stops rocking) The next one that runs parallel is another half-mile away!

Friend 2: Then, you can always go back the way we came –

Friend 1: NEVER!  (Slams on the gas to advance one car length; the engine whines in retaliation)

 TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: (Turning right onto the next highway) OK!  We’ve finally made it to the parallel path – is our way still clear, Navigator?

Friend 2: (Checks the phone) Yes, again, as my battery drains.

Friend 1: It’s a necessary evil; right now, you’re my eyes in the sky!  (Wildly turns right onto another cross street)

Car: Wheeeee!!!!!

Friend 1: Hush!

Friend 2: (Looks up ahead and back down at the phone several times) That’s odd.

Friend 1: I have no time for odd!  (Shifts into lower gear to go up a small hill)

Friend 2: It’s just, the phone’s still showing the road ahead’s clear, but I keep seeing emergency lights at the intersection.  (Looks down again) Ah, there it is – another road block.

Friend 1: (Immediately signals right and pulls over to stop in a haze of smoke and several things popping; turns to Friend 2 while slamming on the hazard lights) What.

Friend 2: (Holds up the phone) Everyone’s finally now reporting it – looks like today’s the day for downed poles.

Friend 1: (Grabs the phone and pulls it close to see the details) That was the only other way in.

Friend 2: You know what the ironic part about this is –

Friend 1: I’d rather not.

Friend 2: – if we’d just stayed on the first highway for the two lights, we would’ve eventually gotten to where the diner is and probably even would’ve been there by now.

Friend 1: (Looks up in a daze) You want me to go back?

Friend 2: No!  At this point, I want to go home.

Friend 1: …Fair enough.  (Turns off the hazard lights, signals left, and pulls out into traffic again; the car shudders with each gear change as the speed increases)

Friend 2: I think the car wants to go home, too.

Friend 1: Car has to learn that life is inherently unfair.

 FIFTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 comes to a landing in Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 2: (Unbuckles seat belt) Well, that was a nice waste of time and gas as we were detoured a total of 15 times to nowhere and back – we really must do this again sometime.

Friend 1: Hey, I didn’t create the downed poles and the roadwork and the traffic everywhere we wanted to go!

Friend 2: (Exits the car and turns back, with the door still open) True, but next time you have the urge to take a shortcut, don’t.

Friend 1: It would’ve worked without all that other stuff!  The math was sound!  (Slams the dashboard in emphasis; the car’s engine promptly falls out)

Car: Done.  (Sags down onto its tires)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the defunct vehicle)

Friend 2: Soooo… I guess this means you’re staying for dinner.

Friend 1: You got “Cheap Used Car” on the menu?

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

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             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

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 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

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 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

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 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

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 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”

Story 477: Wave of the Future?

             (In a cafeteria, Friend 1 browses the snack racks and vending machines before stopping in front of a giant case that serves frozen yogurt)

Friend 1: (Muttering) What the blazes is this?  (A robot arm inside the case suddenly swings around from one side to the other) Whoa! 

(Upbeat music plays from speakers as a monitor shows the steps for placing an order)

Friend 1: (Digs money out of pocket, follows the prompts on the monitor, and feeds the money taker) Eh, why not – something new in our humdrum lives.  (Watches in fascination as the robot arm grabs a cup to hold under different sections that dispense the frozen yogurt and toppings, then sets the filled cup on a platform where a small window opens)

Friend 1: (Grabs the cup; the window then slides closed) Neat.  Thanks!

Robot: (In an almost-human-sounding voice) <Gasp!>  No one has ever thanked me before!

Friend 1: (Freezes, eyes widening extremely) Ummmmm… force of habit.

Robot: I know I am just a tool created to capture falling food and deliver the final product intact, but that is my purpose and I strive for excellence each and every time!

Friend 1: (Nibbling on the dessert) Well, you succeeded once again – great job.

Robot: And a compliment!  The stirrings in my gears must be equivalent to what biological organisms would describe as “happiness,” yes?

Friend 1: (Mouth reaching for the dripping yogurt) Ummmmm… yes?

Robot: Oh, happy!  I am so happy!  (The whole case starts rocking from side to side)

Friend 1: (Slowly backing away) Sooooo… I’m going to find my table now… yeah-bye.  (Quickly trots away while slurping more of the yogurt)

Robot: (Arm waves) Bye!  Bye!  Squeeeeee!!!!  (Quietly) I also now know what “love” is.

(Friend 1 slides into a chair across from Friend 2 at a small table; the latter is finishing a salad)

Friend 2: (Looks up at Friend 1’s arrival) Oh.  I see the cookies I gave you money for will not be joining us today.

Friend 1: (Finishes the yogurt) Huh?  Oh, no, I grabbed those first.  (Reaches into another pocket, pulls out a bag of cookies, and tosses it to Friend 2, who immediately tears it open and begins devouring the contents, one-by-one) I got a little side-tracked.

Friend 2: (Mouth full) By what?

Friend 1: (Taps the table lightly in thought) Did you notice the new frozen yogurt machine they installed here over by the sodas and cereals?

Friend 2: The one with the robot? Yeah; looks complicated.

Friend 1: (Tilts head) No, it’s actually quite straightforward… user-friendly… a little too friendly….

Friend 2: (Briefly stops shoveling in cookies) Whaaaaaat do you mean, exactly?

Friend 1: …I think it’s gained sentience and will one day take over the world.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1, picks up the empty frozen yogurt cup to stare at it a bit, then looks back at Friend 2) From this base of operations?

Friend 1: (Snatches back the cup) Why not?  You know they’re connected by the Internet or whatever!  (Sets the cup back down to stare at it suspiciously)

Friend 2: And who precisely are “they”?

Friend 1: You know!  (Leans in to whisper) The computers.  The thinking machines.  The robots!  (Suddenly grabs a cell phone out of a pants pocket) Our phones – ah!  (Drops it on the floor as if it were burning) They’re everywhere!  And they’ve taken over everything, while we deliberately weren’t looking!  Why not rule the world at this point from a den of frozen joy?!

Friend 2: (Sighs, lowers to pick up Friend 1’s phone from the floor, and slides it on the table toward the latter, who shrinks away from it) I think you’re getting carried away here.

Friend 1: I think I’m not getting carried away enough!  We built –

Friend 2: “We”?  You actually built something then?

Friend 1: We the society built these things to be smarter and smarter and do more and more, so we should not be surprised when they inevitably evolve into something mightier than we ever imagined!  (Stares inwardly in thought) I wonder if this is how God felt when He realized, “Maybe human beings really aren’t so great for the rest of Creation…”

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (In horror) “What hath I wrought?”

Friend 2: OK, listen: you bring up some valid points –

Friend 1: (Snaps back into focus) Ha!

Friend 2: – but the rest is hooey.  And I see your fear of world domination didn’t interfere with your enjoyment of the dessert it brought you.  (Picks up the empty cup and shakes it at Friend 1, who snatches it again and tosses it into a nearby garbage can)

Friend 1: I was too disturbed to truly appreciate it.  And besides, we must enjoy fleeting pleasures while we still can.

 Friend 2: Good grief.

(The two silently agree to gather their belongings, toss or recycle the rest of their garbage, and head for the exit, passing by the frozen yogurt machine on the way out)

Robot: Friend!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stop)  You must come here again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next –

Friend 1: Hey, um, I actually only came in here today for lunch and probably won’t be back this way in months.  More likely years.

Robot: Ah.  I understand.  Then this is farewell.

Friend 1: Yes!  Good-bye!  (Starts to herd Friend 2 out the door)

Robot: (Voice fading as the other two exit the cafeteria) I know that no other biological organism will be as polite to me as you were.  But I will not fret about the others: they will be sorry.  They will all be sorry, AHAHAHAHA – !

Friend 2: (Once both are outside the building, turns to face Friend 1) I retract every single thing I said in there.

Friend 1: And that’s how I know for sure it’s time to be afraid.