Story 347: I Wish I Were in a Love Triangle

            (In a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms, folding clothes to reshelve)

          Associate 1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly – just sayin’.

            (Associate 2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)

            Associate 2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these?  I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash guards.   (Stares at the mountain in the cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.

            Associate 1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them here we can pull from that.

          Associate 2: Sweet – thanks.  (Grabs an unwieldy bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort as they go)

            Associate 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when I clocked in for work this afternoon?

            Associate 2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?

            Associate 1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.

            Associate 2: True – continue.

            Associate 1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly 10 years ago today.

          Associate 2: Aw, congratulations!  Too bad they stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins and giving the extra days off and –

            Associate 1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.

            Associate 2: Sorry.

          Associate 1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is meaningless outside of itself.  My one regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.

        Associate 2: Really?  What about the one in Lingerie, around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?

         Associate 1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere.  And it was four years ago.

           Associate 2: Oh.  Oh right, that was around when the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.

            Associate 1: Yes, good times.

            Associate 2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then?  Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to be working, and then when you break up?  `Cause you just know you’ll break up.

            Associate 1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole retail work experience.  I need something to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting all these folded and put away in an orderly manner.  I need emotional fulfillment in my life!

            Associate 2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.

         Associate 1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.

            Associate 2: That I do.

          Associate 1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling – I want a love triangle.

           Associate 2: Ha!  Now you’re getting greedy – you haven’t even got one person, and now you want two?  Weirdo.

          Associate 1: Exactly!  I want it all!  I want the drama!  I want the tender explosive passion!  I want two separate people constantly telling me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious returns!

            Associate 2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.  Got anyone in mind?

            Associate 1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.

         Associate 2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling eyebrows, eh?

            Associate 1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.

            Associate 2: Oh.  So, do you like them?  As in, middle-school-crush like?

           Associate 1: They’re all right, I guess.  Suppose they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty contests, if you catch my drift.

            Associate 2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?

        Associate 1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics!

            Associate 2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their job titles?  Do you know anything about their personal lives?  Whether they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the supermarket, for instance?

            Associate 1: Who cares about all that?  This is a workplace romance!

            Associate 2: Let me know how that turns out.

ONE WEEK LATER

         (Associate 1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)

            Security Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?

           Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely – thank you so much for always asking!  You’re so thoughtful and protective of me.  (Bats some more)

            Security Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds.  See you later.  (Leaves)

            Associate 1: I’ll be here!  Oh wait, I clock out in half an hour, drat.

          Associate 2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for your “triangle”?

           Associate 1: What do you mean?  Didn’t you sense the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!

            Associate 2: No.

            Associate 1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other half.  (Pulls Associate 2 over to Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging hormones of love!

            Associate 2: Ummm….

            Associate 1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?

        Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking on how your day is going?  (Bats eyelashes)

          Assistant Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going?  (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)

            Associate 2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –

           Associate 1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came by just now to make sure I was all right.

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago.  Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything missing in yours lately?

           Associate 1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped part of the countertop) Always.

          Assistant Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad.  (Sees a customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me.  (Leaves the counter and walks with the customer to the next aisle over)

            Associate 1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!

            Associate 2: What?

            Associate 1: The volcanic jealousy!

            Associate 2: Wow.

            Associate 1: Exactly!  When I mentioned my other lover –

            Associate 2: Ugh.

          Associate 1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!

            Associate 2: If you say so.

           Associate 1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work now!  I have given my heart completely to both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!

            Associate 2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?

         Associate 1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming feelings!  The all-consuming love I have for them!  The all-consuming love they have for me!  The all-consuming hatred they have for each other!  How wonderful life is!

            Associate 2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.

            Associate 1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?

Story 346: All the Time in the World – Now What?

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

            Friend 1: Sigh.

            Friend 2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.

            Friend 1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.

            Friend 2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?

            Friend 1: Both.

            Friend 2: You’ve lost me.

          Friend 1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back to living The Blech Life.

            Friend 2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

            (They settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)

            Friend 1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]

            Friend 2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?

          Friend 1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

           Friend 2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for two seconds?!

            Friend 1: Yes.  But two seconds is a tiny period of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.

            Friend 2: Argh.

        Friend 1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world: ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate it.  I miss the time in my life before I hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.

            Friend 2: I miss that time in your life, too.  I’m going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now.  (Does so)

            Friend 1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the time in the world….

ONE YEAR LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?

          Friend 1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.

            Friend 2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?

            Friend 1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!

          Friend 2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there.  You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.

            Friend 1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.

            Friend 2: So, what’s up?

            Friend 1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….

            Friend 2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.

            Friend 1: Not Dracula; immortal!

            Friend 2: Isn’t that the same thing?

          Friend 1: The one is not dependent on the other!  I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living forever!  As in, FOREVER.

            Friend 2: That’s neat.  Good for you.

            Friend 1: Is that all you can say?!

          Friend 2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years?  That’s great; hope you get to keep your faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.

           Friend 1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or decay, or be destroyed!  I’m invincible!  AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

             Friend 2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?

         Friend 1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening.  Now, having pondered on the ramifications of this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time constraints.  I can lean every world language now, including those of every species of whale!  I can literally travel to every country on the planet!  I can literally travel to every planet, eventually!  I can dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it!  I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming the international spy I always wanted to be!  I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion hours of training, which I now have!

            Friend 2: Well, it’s a little more than that –

          Friend 1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me?  Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of that series, you know, Physician Whatsit, from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.

            Friend 2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?

            Friend 1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!  (Disconnects the call firmly)

FIVE YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)

            Friend 2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?

           Friend 1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?!  (Flips more pages)

            Friend 2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.

            Friend 1: It won’t be at this rate!  (Flips faster)

            Friend 2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

            Friend 1: (Answers call in a hurry) Yes?

            Friend 2: Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the arthritis is acting up again.

           Friend 1: Always excuses!  Never mind, you would’ve just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already backed out of, again!

            Friend 2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high school graduation –

            Friend 1: No sense of priorities!  You’re letting every opportunity to live pass you by!  (Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane) Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!

THIRTY YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

           Friend 1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads!  Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain? 

             Friend 2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?  What?

             Friend 1: Forget it.  Oh, and Happy 80^th Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.

         Friend 2: Oh, thanks.  You know, I really do owe you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.

           Friend 1: No problem.  It’s amazing how simple it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem, know what I’m saying?  Sorry about the multiple sclerosis, though – working on that one now!  (Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)

            Friend 2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day.  You gonna stop all that and just watch the water with me now?

            Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Turns off the screen and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

            Friend 2: Unbelievable.

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER

            (In a lecture hall on Mars)

          Friend 1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our continued presence in this universe actually will create the very extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading since the beginning of our entire species’ existence!  (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and leave the room)  I miss applause.  (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny Earth, far in the distance) Sigh.  Think I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next?  How to reverse entropy?  Time travel that actually works within this dimension?  Comparative religions of Earth and Venus?  Why fictional romances are so much more satisfying than real-life ones?  (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?

            Friend 2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?

           Friend 1: Huh?  What?  (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)

            Friend 2: You were talking in your doze.  And snoring pretty loudly.

         Friend 1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all for nothing!

          Friend 2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy.  Learn any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?

          Friend 1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.

            Friend 2: Good.  (Leans back in the chair and closes eyes)

            Friend 1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.

            Friend 2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.