(In
an office)
Co-Worker
1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst! Did you read
the e-mail from Corporate yet?
Co-Worker
2: (Continuously types) Which one? There’ve
been thousands.
Co-Worker
1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?
Co-Worker
2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?
Co-Worker
1: Yes! How could they do that to us?!
Co-Worker
2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time? What scumbags.
Co-Worker
1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then
taking it away if we don’t use it! That’s
unconstitutional!
Co-Worker
2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late
18th century.
Co-Worker
1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!
Co-Worker
2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”
Co-Worker
1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo? I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!
Co-Worker
2: …Take a vacation?
Co-Worker
1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious. I can’t take a day off until maybe September,
and only if everything goes according to plan.
Co-Worker
2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American
workers. (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker
1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at
least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them
instead?
Co-Worker
1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day
for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I
might actually need some of those at this point.
Co-Worker
2: I’m not talking about that. (Writes a
name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this
person.
Co-Worker
1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from
Human Resources?
Co-Worker
2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.
Co-Worker
1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.
(Several
hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials
the number)
Voice:
Maintenance.
Co-Worker
1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….
Voice:
You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?
Co-Worker
1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on
my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about
(Winks some more).
Voice:
Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get
down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.
Co-Worker
1: Right. (Winks again, then
shakes head)
Voice:
One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?
Co-Worker
1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.
Voice:
Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!
Co-Worker
1: That’s none of your business! (Slams
down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.
(A
little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room;
several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)
Co-Worker
1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one)
Afternoon. (Knocks on the door, which
opens after several seconds)
Engineer:
Yes?
Co-Worker
1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks
exaggeratedly)
Engineer:
Get in here. (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by
the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)
Co-Worker
1: Are they – ?
Engineer:
Customers, yeah. Had to get the word out
while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.
Co-Worker
1: Huh?
Engineer:
Sit down. (Points to a chair in front of
a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop
that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours
are you willing to part with?
Co-Worker
1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening
so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and
give up the rest.
Engineer
(Nods and types) What’s your employee number?
Co-Worker
1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed
to tell anyone that….
Engineer:
I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.
Co-Worker
1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking
into H.R.’s database?
Engineer:
How else did you think was gonna work?
(Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?
Co-Worker
1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.
Engineer:
This is under the table. Now are
you going through with it or not? I’ve
got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and
sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.
Co-Worker
1: Really?
Engineer:
Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make
judgements, just transactions. So, are
we doing this within the next five minutes?
I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me
if I’m late again.
Co-Worker
1: (Nods definitively) All right. Let’s
do this. My employee number’s --------.
Engineer:
(Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours
I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine
who needs how many. The deductions will
happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see
the number drop down slowly.
Co-Worker
1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.
Engineer:
I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send
you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last
installment, your choice.
Co-Worker
1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying
me? But the hours are from the company!
Engineer:
Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours! We’re not about to double dip here: that
would be wrong.
Co-Worker
1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from
Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –
Engineer:
You certainly didn’t. Now make up your
mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you
for it!
Co-Worker
1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the
money.
Engineer:
Say what now?
Co-Worker
1: Just give them my hours! That’s all I
really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation
option.
Engineer:
(Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want. (Mutters) Weirdo.
Co-Worker
1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all
this. (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No
duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.
Engineer:
(Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you
are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.
Co-Worker
1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the
record.
Engineer:
This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with
me. (Files form in a cabinet drawer
filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.
Co-Worker
1: Right. (Stands quickly and heads to
the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.
Engineer:
(Resumes typing) Ha! Those saps out
there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of
extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!
Co-Worker
1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess. (Opens
door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them)
I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.
