Story 277: The Lazier I Am, the Lazier I Get

            (In a café)

            Friend 1: (Slowly chews a muffin and watches Friend 2 working while surrounded by piles of paper and handheld devices) What’re you doing?

            Friend 2: Oh, work.  Work-work-work-work-work.

            Friend 1: The category was obvious – I was referring to the specifics.

            Friend 2: It’s prep for tonight.

            Friend 1: But you just got off your shift; you pulling a split-double or something?

            Friend 2: No, I have a class tonight.

            Friend 1: But you graduated years ago.

            Friend 2: I’m teaching a class tonight.

            Friend 1: Oh.  (Takes another bite from the muffin) I didn’t know you taught on top of saving lives all day long.

            Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) I’ve had this class for years, where have you been?

            Friend 1: Guess not paying enough attention.  (Finishes muffin and sighs) Sounds exhausting.

         Friend 2: (Continuously writing notes) Yeah, no kidding.  Deal with unhappy patients and unhappy doctors and unhappy staff members by day, lecture how great it is to be a nurse to the next generation of unhappy students by night.

            Friend 1: (Slowly sips a milkshake) Right, and then you got the spouse and spawn at home.

            Friend 2: Don’t get me started!

            Friend 1: OK.  So how are you – ?

          Friend 2: (Drops pen) You know, my kids never once clean up after themselves?  I tell them and I punish them and they still don’t do it.  I swear, a cuckoo bird snuck their children into my house and my real ones are out there somewhere, being tidy and proper.  Although I have to admit, they do work hard in school; I have some glimmer of hope to hold onto.

            Friend 1: (Staring in disbelief, then shaking it off) Yeah, I gave up after I finished school for good.

            Friend 2: Clearly.  (Returns to notes)

           Friend 1: Once I stopped being graded, I faced a big old “Now what?”  Did you know that I used to go to school full time, work part time, and was an active member in three clubs when I was in college?

            Friend 2: (Looks up over glasses) You?!

            Friend 1: (Begins picking at fries) Hard to believe, I know.

            Friend 2: So what happened?

           Friend 1: (Stretches a bit) Inertia?  I guess, deep down inside, there was a lazy lump just biding its time, waiting to emerge from the cocoon of me.

          Friend 2: I don’t believe it.  How could you go from doing everything to doing almost-nothing?

          Friend 1: Surprisingly easily.  Once you stop doing one thing for good, you find yourself less inclined to do another, then another, then another, until one day you’re lying in bed on a Saturday morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking “Hmmmmm.”

            Friend 2: Whatever; I think that was just what you let happen to yourself.

            Friend 1: Could happen to any of us [slurp].

            Friend 2: So why don’t you, I don’t know, go volunteer for a worthy cause?

            Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.

           Friend 2: Fine – why don’t you take up yoga or kickboxing or something else aggressive and healthy?

            Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.

           Friend 2: OK, why don’t you go travelling around the world and skydive and all that stuff?

          Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.  Plus don’t have the money, for obvious reasons.  (Begins crunching on potato chips and speaks through a full mouth) I’m surprised I had the energy to come here today – I was napping on the couch until about 10 minutes before I left.

           Friend 2: Then you have some issues going on that you need to work out – I’m just thankful this’ll never happen to me.

            Friend 1: Ha.

         Friend 2: I’m serious!  I’m so busy now I can’t even find time for me; there’ll always be something to do.

           Friend 1: Just you wait: the inertia creeps up on you and you won’t even notice you’ve been consumed until one day you’re in that recliner, too tired to go to bed.

           Friend 2: Now that’s just lazy; as for me, I – (Phone rings) Excuse me; hello?... Oh, that’s fine, sure.  You want me to – ?... OK, maybe next semester, then.  Bye.  (Disconnects)  My class is cancelled for the rest of the semester – they discontinued the course because it was redundant.  (The two stare at each other) My weeknights are now completely free….

            Friend 1: And so it begins.

           Friend 2: It does not!  (Begins frantically gathering supplies off the table and stuffing them into a messenger bag) I just have some unexpected free time for myself, at long last, like a normal 40-hour-a-week person!  And I can find another class to teach, but for now I can relax without turning into a couch potato like you!

           Friend 1: If you say so.  Next will be the kids finally start cleaning up after themselves and taking over more household responsibilities – then your work hours will get sliced due to budget cuts – then your weekends running around will have less and less chores to fill them – you better take a second job as a department store cashier or find a relative who needs 24-hour home care, else you just may become a sedentary sack of flesh.

            Friend 2: (Covers ears) No!  I will never be like you!  I have purpose and meaning in my life!  (Runs out of the café)

          Friend 1: (Focuses attention on slowly slicing up a brownie) The lure of mediocrity sucks us all in eventually.

Story 276: To See Myself the Way Others See Me

            “You know what I wish?” Co-Worker 1 sighed in the breakroom.

            “What’s that?”  Co-Worker 2 did not look up from the magazine being read.

            “That I could see myself the way others see me.”

            Co-Worker 2 peered at Co-Worker 1 over the top of a pair of increasingly necessary reading glasses.  “Whatever would you want something horrible like that for?”

            “I dunno, it might be kind of fun.”

            “Ha!”

            “Well, I really would like to see things I unknowingly do that annoy people and then I’d know to stop doing them.”

            “You could just ask – I can give you a few examples right now.”

            “No, I think I’d have to see it for myself to know for sure what parts of me need improvement and what parts are awesome are they are now.”

           It was Co-Worker 2’s turn to sigh as the magazine was tossed onto the table, abandoned.  “Sure, fine, I’ll do it.”

            “Do what?”

            “Make you see yourself the way others see you.”

            “Yeah all right, what are you, my personal genie?”

            “I guess you can call me that.”

            “Ha-ha, hilarious.”

           “Yeah, I tend to forget to tell people about their one wish, maybe `cause it never comes up.  You’re not my first, you know.”

            Co-Worker 1 felt the sincerity of all this improbability.  “Oh wow.  OK, then: I wish I could see myself the way others see me.  Only for a day!” was hastily tacked on.

            Co-Worker 2 looked as if there were a sour smell close at hand.  “Are you positive you want to waste your one wish on that?  I probably could scrounge up a million dollars post-tax or send you on a vacation to the moon or something way cooler.”

            Co-Worker 1 thought this over: “Nah, those never work out right.  This, though, is honest and humble and selfless, so nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong with it!”

            “Suit yourself.”

            Co-Worker 1 clocked in after lunch and was shelving a cart of the store’s returns for several minutes when a shrill laugh suddenly pierced the air.

           “What the blazes was that?!”  Co-Worker 1 zipped through the aisles and ducked behind a fixture to peer at the customer service counter, where an unfamiliar-looking employee was yukking it up with other employees and customers alike as passers-by gave them strange looks. 

            “And he’s like, ‘Oof!’, you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh!”  The bizarre being continued to cackle while typing with two fingers to search the store’s product database.  “People are weird.”

            Co-Worker 2 walked up next to Co-Worker 1: “Enjoying the view?”

           Co-Worker 1 could not look away from the spectacle: “Not especially – who’s that weirdo up there, anyway?”

         Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1.  “You’re kidding, right?  You can’t even recognize yourself?”

           “What?  Heh-heh-heh, that’s not me, they have such an annoying laugh – I mean – look at them – you know – the hair’s parted on the wrong side!”

            “Yep, that always looks so much better in the mirror, doesn’t it?”

            Another cackling scream erupted.

            “Wow,” Co-Worker 1 winced.

            Co-Worker 2 moved on to sweep the front of the store: “You have no idea.”

THAT NIGHT

            Co-Worker 1 sat at the corner of a bar, unseen by all while observing The True Self, who was trying and failing to be the life of the party.

            “Did you see his latest movie?”

            “Um, yeah, you just talked about it five minutes ago – ”

            “Well let me tell you again what happened in case you didn’t hear it all the first time….”

            Later that evening, The True Self answered the phone.

            “What, Ma?  I’m out with my friends…. Yeah, I guess I can go visit them this weekend – do I hafta, heh-heh-heh?... I’M KIDDING!... Yes, I appreciate all of you, gotta go, it’s too loud in here, bye!”  To the posse: “Sorry, I’m a brat, but sometimes you just gotta whatever!”

            Co-Worker 2 grabbed a stool next to Co-Worker 1: “How’s the wish going?”

            “Miserably.  I can’t believe my face has been crooked this whole time!”

           “Yeah, so, forgot to ask earlier: did you want this thing to be a 24-hour day or a calendar day?”

           “What?  Oh, I guess calendar – I can’t take much more of this garbage, I don’t even know where to start with myself, everything is so abominable!”

           “If it makes you feel any better, you’ll be affected by these life-changing revelations for less than a week before it’s back to business as usual.”

          “Oh well, guess there’s no point in trying to improve anything then if I'm just going to relapse.”

            “Please do something about that laugh, though.”

            “If only I could.”

Story 275: Caught Up in the Wayward Polar Vortex

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hi!  Just calling to see if you’re ready to hibernate for the next two weeks.

            Friend 2: No, since I still have to go in to work unless they call a State of Emergency.

          Friend 1: Heh-heh, yeah, I don’t emerge from my cave into less than 20°F air.  Which I’ve heard it will be, for quite some time.

            Friend 2: So, what, you’ve pre-called out from work or something?

           Friend 1: Pretty much.  I have a lot of personal time accrued, and I’m too lazy to actually go somewhere on vacation so, yeah.  Gotta use the hours sometime in the year, `cause I’m certainly not giving them back.

            Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.  You’re gonna waste all that vacation time sitting inside, watching TV, eating junk, and sleeping, just to avoid brief freezing walks to and from your car?

            Friend 1: That sums it up nicely.

          Friend 2: You know, I have a cousin who works outside all the time, making the infrastructure’s still running for all our techno toys and what-not, and you can’t even handle less than five minutes’ exposure from various hothouses.

            Friend 1: And I applaud your cousin’s work, without which I could not surround myself with warmth and blubber.

          Friend 2: Whatever.  I’m going to bed now, before making my contribution to society tomorrow, lazy bones.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: Jealous.

LATER THAT WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) He-he-hellllooo?

            Friend 1: (Watching TV and eating junk) Catch you at a bad time?

            Friend 2: Ye-yes, I-I’m waiting for my ca-car to warm up so I can-can-can go to wo-work!

          Friend 1: (Talking with a mouth full of ice cream) That’s a fallacy: your car’s newish, you don’t have to wait for it to warm up, just drive.

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

            Friend 1: It’s got fuel injection so it warms up on the go – you’re actually now hurting the car, wasting gas, and adding to the greenhouse gases that possibly caused this very situation we’re in now, did you know that?

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

          Friend 1: (Pauses video on TV to scroll through laptop screen) Yeah, I was just reading on NASA that the polar vortex we’re in is all the air pushed down here from the Arctic by all the warm air that’s up there – it’s -20° in Chicago because that’s the actual temperature in Santa Claus’s workshop!  And Mars!

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

         Friend 1: It’s also -56° in Minneapolis – and did you see those pictures of Lake Michigan frozen?!  I mean, the entire lake, actually frozen!  This is world-ending stuff going on here!  And people are dying because of it, it’s horrific!  So, what’s your car temp saying it is now?

            Friend 2: It-it says 4°.

            Friend 1: Ha!  Above 0 – you’ll be fine.

            Friend 2: 4°!

          Friend 1: Don’t be a wimp: people in the Midwest and north would boo you off the stage.  Cheer up, though: in a few weeks, it’s supposed to go all the way up to 40°.

            Friend 2: Good-good-good-bye.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects and starts the video again) Absolutely no perspective.

            Friend 2: (Begins driving, staring at gloved hands) I can’t-can’t feel my fingers….

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: (Lying in bed, surrounded by books, magazines, and empty potato chip bags) So, I hate to say it, but I’m actually starting to get a little bored.

            Friend 2: Shut up.

            Friend 1: I know, I totally get it now: I had to step out the other day because I was running out of food, and even with the thermal underwear and a snowsuit, within two minutes my eyelashes started to shatter!  But that was it – otherwise, I’ve barely moved in two weeks and I think I may be getting a little unhealthy.

            Friend 2: Oh you poor thing.

          Friend 1: (Idly flipping through a magazine) Thanks, and I think I’m picking up something from having the heat on all the time – and I do mean all the time, as in it never really turns off `cause I have it set to 85° – I keep forgetting to change the filter, plus do you think I should crack open a window like everybody says you should?  `Cause that seems counter-productive, right?

            Friend 2: You know what: my heat’s been blowing out cold air lately, and the water main near my place broke and it might not be fixed until tomorrow – you mind if I come over and defrost with a shower, please?

            Friend 1: Ooh, yeah, that may not be such a good idea.

          Friend 2: Oh come on!  You won’t even have to move, I’ll climb in through an uncracked window!

         Friend 1: Yeah, you’ve ever been in a place where the occupant’s barely stirred in two weeks?     

            Friend 2: What?

          Friend 1: It’s pretty vile here right now.  And I don’t know how long the clean-up from this disaster’ll take – could be days, could be years.

            Friend 2: I need a shower!

          Friend 1: Listen, how about standing outside in the lovely snowfall that’s been going on for weeks, hm?  That’s water.  And you’ll feel all nice and warm in your no-heat home afterward.

            Friend 2: Never mind, I’ll just bundle up and hope I don’t reek – thanks for nothing, and good luck with the pressure ulcers and atrophied muscles you’re accruing, sloth!  (Disconnects)

          Friend 1: (Disconnects, then turns to look at the lovely snowfall out the window) How can something so peaceful and sweet-looking be so life-inconveniencing?