Story 275: Caught Up in the Wayward Polar Vortex

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hi!  Just calling to see if you’re ready to hibernate for the next two weeks.

            Friend 2: No, since I still have to go in to work unless they call a State of Emergency.

          Friend 1: Heh-heh, yeah, I don’t emerge from my cave into less than 20°F air.  Which I’ve heard it will be, for quite some time.

            Friend 2: So, what, you’ve pre-called out from work or something?

           Friend 1: Pretty much.  I have a lot of personal time accrued, and I’m too lazy to actually go somewhere on vacation so, yeah.  Gotta use the hours sometime in the year, `cause I’m certainly not giving them back.

            Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.  You’re gonna waste all that vacation time sitting inside, watching TV, eating junk, and sleeping, just to avoid brief freezing walks to and from your car?

            Friend 1: That sums it up nicely.

          Friend 2: You know, I have a cousin who works outside all the time, making the infrastructure’s still running for all our techno toys and what-not, and you can’t even handle less than five minutes’ exposure from various hothouses.

            Friend 1: And I applaud your cousin’s work, without which I could not surround myself with warmth and blubber.

          Friend 2: Whatever.  I’m going to bed now, before making my contribution to society tomorrow, lazy bones.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: Jealous.

LATER THAT WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) He-he-hellllooo?

            Friend 1: (Watching TV and eating junk) Catch you at a bad time?

            Friend 2: Ye-yes, I-I’m waiting for my ca-car to warm up so I can-can-can go to wo-work!

          Friend 1: (Talking with a mouth full of ice cream) That’s a fallacy: your car’s newish, you don’t have to wait for it to warm up, just drive.

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

            Friend 1: It’s got fuel injection so it warms up on the go – you’re actually now hurting the car, wasting gas, and adding to the greenhouse gases that possibly caused this very situation we’re in now, did you know that?

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

          Friend 1: (Pauses video on TV to scroll through laptop screen) Yeah, I was just reading on NASA that the polar vortex we’re in is all the air pushed down here from the Arctic by all the warm air that’s up there – it’s -20° in Chicago because that’s the actual temperature in Santa Claus’s workshop!  And Mars!

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

         Friend 1: It’s also -56° in Minneapolis – and did you see those pictures of Lake Michigan frozen?!  I mean, the entire lake, actually frozen!  This is world-ending stuff going on here!  And people are dying because of it, it’s horrific!  So, what’s your car temp saying it is now?

            Friend 2: It-it says 4°.

            Friend 1: Ha!  Above 0 – you’ll be fine.

            Friend 2: 4°!

          Friend 1: Don’t be a wimp: people in the Midwest and north would boo you off the stage.  Cheer up, though: in a few weeks, it’s supposed to go all the way up to 40°.

            Friend 2: Good-good-good-bye.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects and starts the video again) Absolutely no perspective.

            Friend 2: (Begins driving, staring at gloved hands) I can’t-can’t feel my fingers….

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: (Lying in bed, surrounded by books, magazines, and empty potato chip bags) So, I hate to say it, but I’m actually starting to get a little bored.

            Friend 2: Shut up.

            Friend 1: I know, I totally get it now: I had to step out the other day because I was running out of food, and even with the thermal underwear and a snowsuit, within two minutes my eyelashes started to shatter!  But that was it – otherwise, I’ve barely moved in two weeks and I think I may be getting a little unhealthy.

            Friend 2: Oh you poor thing.

          Friend 1: (Idly flipping through a magazine) Thanks, and I think I’m picking up something from having the heat on all the time – and I do mean all the time, as in it never really turns off `cause I have it set to 85° – I keep forgetting to change the filter, plus do you think I should crack open a window like everybody says you should?  `Cause that seems counter-productive, right?

            Friend 2: You know what: my heat’s been blowing out cold air lately, and the water main near my place broke and it might not be fixed until tomorrow – you mind if I come over and defrost with a shower, please?

            Friend 1: Ooh, yeah, that may not be such a good idea.

          Friend 2: Oh come on!  You won’t even have to move, I’ll climb in through an uncracked window!

         Friend 1: Yeah, you’ve ever been in a place where the occupant’s barely stirred in two weeks?     

            Friend 2: What?

          Friend 1: It’s pretty vile here right now.  And I don’t know how long the clean-up from this disaster’ll take – could be days, could be years.

            Friend 2: I need a shower!

          Friend 1: Listen, how about standing outside in the lovely snowfall that’s been going on for weeks, hm?  That’s water.  And you’ll feel all nice and warm in your no-heat home afterward.

            Friend 2: Never mind, I’ll just bundle up and hope I don’t reek – thanks for nothing, and good luck with the pressure ulcers and atrophied muscles you’re accruing, sloth!  (Disconnects)

          Friend 1: (Disconnects, then turns to look at the lovely snowfall out the window) How can something so peaceful and sweet-looking be so life-inconveniencing?