Story 275: Caught Up in the Wayward Polar Vortex

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hi!  Just calling to see if you’re ready to hibernate for the next two weeks.

            Friend 2: No, since I still have to go in to work unless they call a State of Emergency.

          Friend 1: Heh-heh, yeah, I don’t emerge from my cave into less than 20°F air.  Which I’ve heard it will be, for quite some time.

            Friend 2: So, what, you’ve pre-called out from work or something?

           Friend 1: Pretty much.  I have a lot of personal time accrued, and I’m too lazy to actually go somewhere on vacation so, yeah.  Gotta use the hours sometime in the year, `cause I’m certainly not giving them back.

            Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.  You’re gonna waste all that vacation time sitting inside, watching TV, eating junk, and sleeping, just to avoid brief freezing walks to and from your car?

            Friend 1: That sums it up nicely.

          Friend 2: You know, I have a cousin who works outside all the time, making the infrastructure’s still running for all our techno toys and what-not, and you can’t even handle less than five minutes’ exposure from various hothouses.

            Friend 1: And I applaud your cousin’s work, without which I could not surround myself with warmth and blubber.

          Friend 2: Whatever.  I’m going to bed now, before making my contribution to society tomorrow, lazy bones.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: Jealous.

LATER THAT WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) He-he-hellllooo?

            Friend 1: (Watching TV and eating junk) Catch you at a bad time?

            Friend 2: Ye-yes, I-I’m waiting for my ca-car to warm up so I can-can-can go to wo-work!

          Friend 1: (Talking with a mouth full of ice cream) That’s a fallacy: your car’s newish, you don’t have to wait for it to warm up, just drive.

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

            Friend 1: It’s got fuel injection so it warms up on the go – you’re actually now hurting the car, wasting gas, and adding to the greenhouse gases that possibly caused this very situation we’re in now, did you know that?

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

          Friend 1: (Pauses video on TV to scroll through laptop screen) Yeah, I was just reading on NASA that the polar vortex we’re in is all the air pushed down here from the Arctic by all the warm air that’s up there – it’s -20° in Chicago because that’s the actual temperature in Santa Claus’s workshop!  And Mars!

            Friend 2: Wha-wha-wha-?

         Friend 1: It’s also -56° in Minneapolis – and did you see those pictures of Lake Michigan frozen?!  I mean, the entire lake, actually frozen!  This is world-ending stuff going on here!  And people are dying because of it, it’s horrific!  So, what’s your car temp saying it is now?

            Friend 2: It-it says 4°.

            Friend 1: Ha!  Above 0 – you’ll be fine.

            Friend 2: 4°!

          Friend 1: Don’t be a wimp: people in the Midwest and north would boo you off the stage.  Cheer up, though: in a few weeks, it’s supposed to go all the way up to 40°.

            Friend 2: Good-good-good-bye.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects and starts the video again) Absolutely no perspective.

            Friend 2: (Begins driving, staring at gloved hands) I can’t-can’t feel my fingers….

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: (Lying in bed, surrounded by books, magazines, and empty potato chip bags) So, I hate to say it, but I’m actually starting to get a little bored.

            Friend 2: Shut up.

            Friend 1: I know, I totally get it now: I had to step out the other day because I was running out of food, and even with the thermal underwear and a snowsuit, within two minutes my eyelashes started to shatter!  But that was it – otherwise, I’ve barely moved in two weeks and I think I may be getting a little unhealthy.

            Friend 2: Oh you poor thing.

          Friend 1: (Idly flipping through a magazine) Thanks, and I think I’m picking up something from having the heat on all the time – and I do mean all the time, as in it never really turns off `cause I have it set to 85° – I keep forgetting to change the filter, plus do you think I should crack open a window like everybody says you should?  `Cause that seems counter-productive, right?

            Friend 2: You know what: my heat’s been blowing out cold air lately, and the water main near my place broke and it might not be fixed until tomorrow – you mind if I come over and defrost with a shower, please?

            Friend 1: Ooh, yeah, that may not be such a good idea.

          Friend 2: Oh come on!  You won’t even have to move, I’ll climb in through an uncracked window!

         Friend 1: Yeah, you’ve ever been in a place where the occupant’s barely stirred in two weeks?     

            Friend 2: What?

          Friend 1: It’s pretty vile here right now.  And I don’t know how long the clean-up from this disaster’ll take – could be days, could be years.

            Friend 2: I need a shower!

          Friend 1: Listen, how about standing outside in the lovely snowfall that’s been going on for weeks, hm?  That’s water.  And you’ll feel all nice and warm in your no-heat home afterward.

            Friend 2: Never mind, I’ll just bundle up and hope I don’t reek – thanks for nothing, and good luck with the pressure ulcers and atrophied muscles you’re accruing, sloth!  (Disconnects)

          Friend 1: (Disconnects, then turns to look at the lovely snowfall out the window) How can something so peaceful and sweet-looking be so life-inconveniencing?

Story 274: Time-Travelling Error

(In an office)

Manager: How’s the year-end project going?  Need any help?

Employee: Nope!  Actually almost done early this year, thank goodness – so happy, you cannot believe.

Manager: I bet.  You also prep the filter for this for next year?

Employee: On it now!  I’m so excited this’ll be done, completely done, for once something at work is entirely and absolutely done, I could cry.

Manager: OK.  Maybe take some days off next week then, yeah?  You’re accruing too many hours and H.R.’s been on my case about it.

Employee: All righty!  And I can take them with a clear conscience, knowing this project’s not hanging over my head waiting for me when I come back!

Manager: Right.  We just have the year-opening project to work on after that.

Employee: Oh.  No matter: my spirits will not be dampened.  (Proceeds with final data entry)

Error: Oh, hello.  Can you see me?

Employee: <La-la-la…>

Error: Wow, you really didn’t catch what you did just now.

Employee: <Do-re-mi-fa->

Error: Completely oblivious.  You realize when you run that filter next year, it’ll miss these items you just updated `cause you entered the wrong date on them, yes?

Employee: <Mmmm-mmm-mmm->

Manager: If you’re going to hum, please do it to an actual tune and not some random notes in your throat.

Employee: Right-ho!  <Mmmm-mmm-mmm->

Manager: [Sigh]

Error: I’ll just wait right here, minding my own business, until you finally notice me.  See you on the other side.

SIX MONTHS LATER

            Employee: Oh boy, I can’t believe this!

            Manager: What?

            Employee: Did you see the memo they just e-mailed us?  They put the wrong start date for the program!

            Manager: Huh.  Oh yeah, they have it listed for a month later than what we were told – this probably is an older version of the notice or something.

          Employee: They’ll issue a retraction in five minutes – can you imagine being the person who sent it?  What a mistake to make!  Company-wide!  Glad I’m not them right now.

            Error: You poor child.

SIX MONTHS LATER

            Manager: So, it’s that time of the year again – how’s the project going?

            Employee: Perfectly!  I’m finishing up my last checks and it’ll be all done!

            Error: Really has no idea.

SIX HOURS LATER

            Manager: You got a minute?

         Employee: (Leaning back in chair with feet propped up on the desk) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

            Manager: I ran a report to reconcile the database and I saw a few inconsistencies.

            Employee: (Lowers feet) A few what in the what?

            Manager: Specifically, these.  (Hands over paper)

            Error: Hi there.

            Employee: (Frantically speed-reads) Oh no….

            Manager: “Oh no”?  Those are two words I never want to hear.

            Employee: (Accelerates speed-reading) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-

            Manager: Removing the “Oh” doesn’t make it better.

          Employee: But I checked – I got them all – how could I have missed – (Gasps in horror) I entered the wrong date for them last year so the filter never picked them up!

            Error: Bingo.

          Manager: How could you have entered the wrong date?!  (Grabs back the paper and reads)  Ah.  December always does have 31 days in it, you know.

          Employee: (Sinks head onto desk) I know!  I have no idea what came over me when I was updating those!  I must have lost my mind in the glee of project completion!

            Manager: All right, calm down – can’t go back in time and undo it, so you’ll just have to get these done now and hope we don’t get audited any time soon.

            Employee: (Lifts head) I can’t believe I messed this up a whole year ago and never even knew it!

             Error: And therein lies my power.

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.