Story 639: Summer Solstice Slump

            “You know what I realized that’s getting me a little down?”

“No, what’s that?”

“I waited so long for summer this year.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, this past winter, swe actually had blizzards and everything for once, and it was so, so cold for so long.”

“Yeah?”

“And it was night for two-thirds of the day for six months.”

“Yeah?”

“And I slept for more hours than I went outside for nine months.”

“Yeah?”

“And did I mention it was so cold for so long?”

“Yeah.”

“OK, so now, it’s here.”

“Yeah?”

“Summer.  At long last.  So much Sun, so much warmth, so much time.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, it’s the same amount of time each day, but it feels like more time, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“And then it hit me.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going the other way now.”

“Yeah – what?”

“Summer Solstice.  First day of summer.  June 21 in this half of the globe.”

“Yeah?”

“I used to look forward to it every year because it’s the start of summer, the beginning of everything good and fun and awesome and relaxing and wonderful.”

“Yeah?”

“And this year I suddenly realized: it’s not really the beginning of the beginning, it’s actually the beginning of the end.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, if Winter Solstice is that happy moment where we start gaining one minute of sunshine each day, then the horrible opposite must be true.”

“Yeah?”

“With Summer Solstice, with lose one minute of sunshine each day.”

“Yeah?  Oh, yeah.”

“Which means, every day of what I thought was amazing summer actually is getting shorter and shorter and shorter with every passing tilt of the planet on its axis!”

“Yeah?”

“It’s spring that’s the sunshine-gainer!  But it rains for almost the entire time, and then we don’t get the awesome weather and the liberating release from school into fun and vacations and parties until the end of it!”

“You haven’t been to school in decades.”

“Not the point!”

“Yeah?”

“Every moment, summer is slipping away from us, and the cruel irony is that we think we’re deep in the heart of it!  It’s so unfair!”

“Yeah?”

“Why does everything good seem to happen when it’s on its way out the door?”

“That’s life, I suppose.”

“That’s a weak argument for an intolerable situation.”

“Well, what can I tell you: it’s always been this way, and you have practically two whole months of not even noticing the earlier sunsets, so if that isn’t summer, then I don’t know what is.”

“Twenty-four-hour sunlight and constant hot weather.”

“I suggest you move to Venus, then.”

“Oh ha-ha; I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

“I just want a whole season’s worth of constant sunshine to tide me over into the deep freeze with weird warm days thrown in there and the long nights of horrible, horrible late-fall, all-of-winter, and half of spring.”

“Well, even though we’re at the beginning of the end, it’s still light out after 9 p.m., so that’s something in the plus column for you.”

“…I’ll take it.”

Story 218: The Last Solstice

            Friend 1: Did you see what’s trending lately?

            Friend 2: The latest Astro Conflicts movie?

            Friend 1: No, the thing about the Winter Solstice.

           Friend 2: No.  Wasn’t that last week?  We’re not even in the new year yet and I can’t wait until we get back those hours of sunlight, just in time for it to swing back all over again.

          Friend 1: Well, you’re going to have to keep on waiting: look what’s happening.  (Holds up laptop to show story)

            Friend 2: (Reads from screen) “Disturbingly, the Earth is continuing to tilt away from the Sun instead of doing its usual reversal of course this time of year.  Scientists around the world can find no explanation for this behavior and are finally resorting to the ‘Wages of Sin’ theory that they have held out so long against.  In the meantime, residents of the Northern Hemisphere should expect to go on losing a minute of sunlight each day and vice versa for the Southern Hemisphere until the Earth eventually turns upside-down from its original position, reversing the magnetic poles, crashing the tectonic plates into each other, disrupting the magnetic field, and imploding the planet’s core (that last one remains to be verified).  In all events, for at least the next six months expect your Internet and phone service to be spotty at best.”  Is this for real?

            Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s for real.  I knew something was wrong the moment I didn’t feel the Earth shudder as it reversed its tilt this time.

            Friend 2: Nobody ever feels that; you’re a liar.

            Friend 1: But see!  We are still tilting backwards!

           Friend 2: Says who, this bot that spits out random non-news so you’ll click on the ads?  Why hasn’t any source that is actually legitimate reported on this yet if it’s true?

           Friend 1: Are you serious?  Do you know the global panic that would ensue if this story was broadcast on platforms that people actually paid attention to?!

            Friend 2: I doubt that would happen – no one’s felt the effects they’re predicting yet, so it’ll just be business as usual `til the lights go out.

           Friend 1: Exactly!  Everything will be topsy-turvy for reals!  Not only will our half of the Earth be in perpetual darkness and the other half in perpetual light until we eventually switch, but you just know all our electronic stuff’s gonna get all kinds of messed up!  Along with the devices that are, you know, literally keeping people alive.

            Friend 2: Maybe.

            Friend 1: Maybe?!  And what about our orbit, hm?  How are we supposed to be travelling our nice ellipsis around the Sun in an orderly fashion if our tilts and spins suddenly turn into wibbilies and wobbilies?!

            Friend 2: Well –

            Friend 1: And the Moon!  The poor thing won’t know which side to face or where go or what to do that it might finally crash into us once and for all!

            Friend 2: Well –

           Friend 1:  Oh no!  (Holds arms out to keep still) I feel it!  I feel the tilting back too far!  It’s not stopping!  Our gravitational field is failing at last, help!

            Friend 2: Are you done?

            Friend 1: (Drops arms) Never.

          Friend 2: If everything you mentioned actually does happen, then there’s nothing we can do about it: we don’t have the technology to evacuate the planet and we’d all be doomed, so no point in worrying about something you can’t change.  At most, get extra door locks, supplies, and a weapon or two to ward off the inevitable looting, and once that blows over enjoy the free time by coming to peace with your life until the end arrives.

            Friend 1: You’re taking a potential global catastrophe rather calmly.

          Friend 2: It’s the same plan I have for all world-ending events: Y2K, zombie uprising, world-wide flooding, the descent into apathy.  Best just to ride these things out.