Story 492: Cat Corraller

(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)

Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.

Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)

Neighbor: Heh, what was that?

Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here!  (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)

Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis

Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me!  (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie!  Come back here!

Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em  - they’re much too fast and wily.

Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!

Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....

(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.”  The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)

Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?

Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there.  (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)

Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?

Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh?  Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.

Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?

Cat Corraller: No need.  (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.

Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.

Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?

Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes!  Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!

(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)

Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah.  We’ve got a slippery devil here.

Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!

Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents.  However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.

(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)

Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect.  We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie.  (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north.  (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south.  (Points to self) I: approach from the east.

Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?

Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too!  Simple geometry!

(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)

Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks. 

Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!

Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.

Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.

(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away.  The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling.  When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house.  The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door.  Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside.  In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)

Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby!  You gave me quite a scare there!

Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye.  Here.  (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house.  It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.

Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!

Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work.  Here’s also my bill.  (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.

Homeowner: Oh, right.  (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.

Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.

Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums?  (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?

Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.

Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew!  That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now!  (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes.  All three stare at the spot for several moments)

Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.

Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.

Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.

Story 297: Breaking Into Your Own House

           (Friend 1 and Friend 2, laden down with beach trip supplies, stumble out the side door of Friend 2’s house)

            Friend 1: – and I just know the traffic’s gonna be backed up for at least two miles down the highway as we get closer to the beach – although they did replace that dinky drawbridge with an actual super-high bridge, so that should help – I hate drawbridges, especially when you see it’s just somebody’s pleasure dinghy passing through, such a boat-people-inconvenience inflicted on the rest of us driving stiffs –

            Friend 2: (Pulls the door shut and starts searching pockets) Uh-huh – you got the sunscreen?

            Friend 1: Huh?  Oh yeah.  (Scrambles through a huge bag and pulls out a bottle) SPF 100!

            Friend 2: (Pauses momentarily) Is that even real?

            Friend 1: No idea, but I am not taking any chances: our star shows no mercy on her children.

            Friend 2: (Distractedly patting shirt and shorts all over) Yeah, yeah – say, you got the keys?

            Friend 1: Why would I have the keys; it’s your house.

            Friend 2: (Leans over to search the huge bag, tossing items onto the ground) Did you throw them in here?

            Friend 1: (Yanking back the bag) Hey-hey, again I say, why would I have the keys, it’s your house!  Maybe you left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 2: Why would I – (Freezes as a mental picture of the keys appears) I left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 1: Yay, mystery solved!  Let’s go.  (Picks items off the ground and stuffs them back into the bag)

            Friend 2: We can’t go now, we’re locked out of the house!

            Friend 1: So?  We’re not going to the house, we’re going to the beach.

            Friend 2: And how’re we going to back into the house later?

            Friend 1: Well I don’t need to get back into the house, `cause I’m going home later.

            Friend 2: Excuse me?!

            Friend 1: For what?

            Friend 2: Your inane babble is what distracted me from taking the keys in the first place, and you’re just gonna leave me here, locked out, and go home?!!

            Friend 1: …Heh-heh-heh, of course not, what kind of person would do that?

            Friend 2: You!

            Friend 1: Well you’ve got me there.  Listen –

            Friend 2: (Starts pulling own hair in frustration) Argh!

            Friend 1: Don’t you have a spare key lying under a fake lawn gnome or something?

            Friend 2: No, that’s the first place a thief would look!  The spare’s at my parents’ house, and they’re in Iceland right now!

            Friend 1: So where’s their spare?

            Friend 2: In my house!

            Friend 1: Figures.  All right, there’s only one thing for it.  (Dramatically drops the bag onto the ground) We’re going to have to burglarize your own house.

            Friend 2: WHAT?!

           Friend 1: Well, I guess it’s technically breaking and entering, but you get the idea.  (Looks around the driveway and picks up a large rock) Which window’s the cheapest to replace?

           Friend 2: (Grabs the rock and throws it onto the lawn) No!  You are not breaking my windows!

            Friend 1: It’s just “window,” singular.

            Friend 2: No, no, no!  There has to be another, non-destructive way – don’t you know how to pick locks?

            Friend 1: Why would you even think I’d know how to do that?

            Friend 2: You’ve always been a bit shady.

          Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 for a few moments) That’s fair.  And no, I don’t know how to manipulate tumblers, buuuuuut…. (Leans back to peer up at the roof) That chimney looks promising.

          Friend 2: (Also peers up at the roof) I don’t know; seems a bit dangerous.  And the neighbors’ll probably call the cops on me breaking into my own house.

           Friend 1: I doubt it – they’re all either at work, at the beach like we should be, watching TV, watching the Internet, or rather not get involved.

            Friend 2: I know I’d rather not.

            (They retrieve a ladder from the shed and prop it against the back of the house)    

            Friend 1: Right – it should be me going up in there.

            Friend 2: Yes it should, because this is all your fault.

            Friend 1: It is not all my fault – (Friend 2 glares) agree to disagree.  No, it’s better that I be the one to do this because I’m younger –

            Friend 2: By a day!

          Friend 1: – and if I make it, I get to brag about it so much.  (Scrambles up the ladder, then steadily climbs up the incline of the roof toward the chimney) Yeah, sandals definitely are not the best footwear for this kind of activity.

            Friend 2: (Straining to look up) Ooh, be careful!

            Friend 1: Ha!  “Careful” is not called for in this instance!

            Friend 2: (Mumbling to self) Yes it is; what are you talking about?

           Friend 1: (Arrives at the chimney) Aha!  Success!  (Peers down it) Oh.  (Suddenly slides down the roof and scrambles back down the ladder) Abort the mission!  Abort the mission!

            Friend 2: Why!  What happened?

         Friend 1: (Hops onto the ground) There was the biggest bird’s nest ensconced right in the middle of that thing, and the cutest little birds were looking at me like I was their momma, and I am not touching that with a 10-foot pole!

            Friend 2: Oh.  I guess not.

            Friend 1: You’re going to have some mess to clean up when you use that thing later this year, let me tell you.

            Friend 2: Huh?

           Friend 1: The nest.  You’ll have clean all that stuff out of there before you can use the fireplace again, `cause those birds sure aren’t taking that with them.

           Friend 2: Oh!  No, I actually haven’t used that thing in years.  Too much trouble, so I just keep the flue closed all the time.

           Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) You were going to let me climb all the way down a chimney with a closed flue?!!

            Friend 2: …Maybe we should explore the rock option again.  (Goes to grab a rock)

          Friend 1: (Grabs Friend 2’s arm) Hold up – are there any windows that you leave partially open for cross-ventilation or what-not?

           Friend 2: No… but, there is the bathroom window with the busted lock that you should be able to push in from the outside!

            (They rush to that part of the house and stare at the window)

            Friend 1: That window is a foot high.

            Friend 2: Nah – maybe a foot and a half, you’ll be fine.

          Friend 1: Fine, whatever, my beach time is slipping further and further away the longer we debate this.  (Takes a running leap, grabs onto the window ledge, and smacks open the window)

            Friend 2: (Runs to grab Friend 1’s feet) We still have the ladder you can use –

           Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?!  (Slowly wriggles through the window opening) I think I’m stuck.

            Friend 2: Just suck it in!

           Friend 1: There’s nothing left!  (Exhales fully and is able to slide in farther) There we go…. Uh-oh.

            Friend 2: (Sweating and pushing Friend 1’s feet up higher) Now what?

            Friend 1: Well, I’m in the shower, and I’m facing the floor head-first.

            Friend 2: So, I don’t know, just… Spider-Man your way down the wall or something!

            Friend 1: OK…. (Slowly palms down the wall until the shower faucet is in reach, then grabs and braces feet on the wall to pivot down onto the stall floor) Ha?  I did it?  I did it and I didn’t kill or paralyze myself, hooray!

            Friend 2: (Eyes peering through the window) Yay!  Now open the door.

            Friend 1: Right.  (Rips aside the shower curtain to run out of the bathroom and nearly crashes into a child who is standing in the doorway) Oop!  Hello.

            Child: Hi.

            Friend 1: …Well, I have the owner’s permission to break in, so what’s your excuse?

           Child: My mommy saw you on the roof and told me to bring the spare key over to let you guys in.

            Friend 1: Oh.  And your mommy is a close neighbor, then?

          Child: Yeah, we’re right next door and she said you were going to break your neck in about five minutes and that no one on this block ever remembers they’d all given her a spare key because she’s the only one home all day and what’s the point of giving her a spare key if no one remembers they’ve given it to her –

            Friend 2: (Rushes in from the hallway) Oh!  How’d you get in here?

            Child: My mommy has a spare key.  (Holds up the key to Friend 2) Would you like it back?

           Friend 2: No, honey, you can take it back home – please thank your mother and tell her I’ll talk to her later.  And take a cookie from the jar in the kitchen on your way out.

            Child: Yippee!  (Skips out)

            Friend 1: (With a blank face) So that child’s mommy also has a spare key.

            Friend 2: I honestly didn’t remember having a second spare until just this moment.

           Friend 1: We will speak no more on this.  (They make their way out the side door; Friend 2 grabs the keys from the kitchen table and they tumble out the door.  As Friend 2 locks up) Sooo, where were we an hour ago?

            Friend 2: Leaving.  (They throw all their stuff into Friend 2’s car and take off for the beach)

           Friend 1: (Settles in the passenger seat) You know, now that that’s all over, that was kind of fun.

            Friend 2: Please.

            Friend 1: I think I’ll have bruises all over my body, but right now I feel quite content.

           Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Slams on the brakes as they reach the two-mile backed-up traffic for the beach, then slumps) And we could have missed all this if we had left on time.

            Friend 1: (Dozing off) Mm-hm – still say we should have used the rock first.