Story 368: (Accidentally) Sending Inappropriate Holiday Cards

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?

Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!

Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.

Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly!  Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet!  Not!  One!

Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.

Friend 1: I have no time!

Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –

Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!

Friend 2: Whatever.  Then what are you calling me for?

Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!

Friend 2: Let me know when you find one.  (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)

Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays.  Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!

 ONE WEEK LATER

            (Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)

         Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us?  (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?

Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.

Friend 1: What’re you talking about?

Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?

Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.

Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.

Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?

Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.

Friend 1: Great!

Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.

Friend 1: …What’s that?

Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”

Friend 1: Odd….

Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”

Friend 1: Interesting….

Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this.  (Disconnects)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.

(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)

Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had.  A+!”  Oh dear, I think that child has lost it.  Bound to happen with this family.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)

Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!”  Wow.

Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)

Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!”  I don’t even know where to start.

(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)

Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!”  Aw, that’s nice.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)

Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”….  Did I miss something?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.

Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 1: The thing with the cards!

Friend 2: Oh, that.  Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.

Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.

Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.

Friend 2: In what?  It’s over!

Friend 1: In next year.  I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!

Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.

Story 321: The Curse of the Pay-It-Forward

            The children gathered around the Wizened Figure sitting in front of the fireplace – it was the only consistently warm place in the entire house.

            “Tell us a story,” one child cutely demanded as the group sat in a semicircle on the floor.

            “Needy little tyrant, aren’t we?” the Wizened Figure chuckled affectionately.

            “Please tell us a story.”

            “Yeah, a ghost story!”

            “Wrong holiday, kid,” Wizened Figure said.

           “No, you can tell ghost stories this time of year – that guy did it in A Christmas Carol,” an almost-teen pointed out.

            “And there’s even a line about it in ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” another not-quite-teen said.

            “Really?”  Wizened Figure pondered this.  “Oh yeah, there is – how’d that even become a thing?”

            The children chorused: “Pleeeeease tell us a ghost story, pleeeeease!!!”

         Wizened Figure shifted in the armchair to a more comfortable position.  “All right, you weirdos.  I don’t have a ghost story per se, though – this actually is a story about a curse.”

            “What kind of curse?” a young `un chimed in.

           “It’s in the title.”  Wizened Figure leaned in menacingly: “‘The Curse of the Pay-It-Forward.’”

            “Oooooooooohhhhhh….”

            “And most important: everything you are about to hear is TRUE.”

            “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh….”

           “It all began back when I was in the prime of my youth, full of life and ready to take on the world….”

TWO DAYS EARLIER

            I was doing some last-minute shopping in the city for both Christmas and Hanukkah presents, and everywhere I went, there everyone else was, too.

            (Scenes of Wizened Figure now as Younger Figure struggling through the crowds on the city streets, then struggling through the crowds in the stores, then struggling through the crowds on the city streets again, carrying overloaded bags)

            Of course, it didn’t help that it was cold and raining – if we have to freeze, can’t we at least have some pretty snow to look at while we’re turning into ice?

            (Younger Figure is drenched in gallons of water splashed by passing cars)

          I was in the last store of the night, nearly finished with my mental list of gifts – I forget someone every year, but usually they’re OK with a belated present and I have yet to repeat a forgotten person.

           (Younger Figure is at a checkout counter, handing over items to the cashier and watching the digits on the register increase)

          At that point, I was looking forward to being home within the next hour-and-a-half, skipping dinner, changing into flannel pajamas, and going straight to sleep.  Before I could do that, though, the cashier gave me my unspeakable total, and I started counting out the cash.

            Younger Figure: (Counts bills and change, then counts them again) Wait a minute….

            Cashier: (Starting to get antsy) Yeah, just another dollar.

          Younger Figure: Um…. (Starts going through wallet again) OK, I have this – (Begins taking out dimes) I have this –

           Cashier: It’s OK if you get close enough: we have extra change left over here.  (Shakes a small container at Younger Figure, rattling the coins inside)

            Younger Figure: No-no, I have this – (Starts taking out pennies) I am not charging a dollar on my credit card – I have this –

            All of a sudden, an angel appeared.

            (The customer behind Younger Figure holds out a dollar)

            Customer: Here you go.

            Younger Figure: (Shakes head frantically) No-no, I have this –

            Other Customers in Line: Just take the dollar!

            Customer: In the spirit of the season.

           In my moment of weakness, I hesitated – then, they said the dreaded words that haunt me still:

            Customer: You can pay it forward. 

(Unseasonable lighting flashes and thunder crashes)

To this day, I will never forget the sight of my trembling hand taking the dollar bill in shame and then giving it to the exhausted cashier who could finally ring me up.

Younger Figure: (To Customer and Cashier) Thank you so much – I really never do this.

Why does that always sound like a lie?  Anyway, we all wished each other “Happy Holidays” and I ran out of there with my face burning in annoyance.

(On a bus, Younger Figure takes up two seats surrounded by all the shopping bags and is talking on a phone)

Younger Figure: No, I had enough money with me, I had almost counted it out in change if they’d just given me another 30 seconds, you know how impatient everyone is this time of year, and I would've had more money with me if I had just gone to the ATM before that store instead of saving it for after, and I also would’ve had enough if I had just bought the one box of brownie mix for work like I’d planned instead of two because the sign said they were two for $5 so I thought then I’d be spending less on each but really I spent more because I really only needed one, plus I remembered half an hour after the whole thing that someone had given me a gift card at work today that I’d stuck in my pocket so I could’ve even used that and just paid myself back later, and now I made myself look like I’m someone who can’t manage their own money and needs strangers to bail them out of a mess they got themselves into, and the worst part about it is the whole thing was completely avoidable if I'd just managed my own money better!  (Listens) ….Yes I’m going to let this bother me all night!

As time went on, though, the aggravation gave way to the horrible realization: I now owed a debt, a debt of $1.00, and I had to find a way to PAY IT FORWARD, else be burdened forever.  My first stop was the church’s poor box.

Altar Server: Doesn’t count.

Younger Figure: (Hand holding a dollar is hovered over the box) Huh?

Altar Server: You have to give it in the spur of the moment to help someone else out.  Plus you should be donating to this thing regularly, and I can tell you never do.

I tried to give it to one of my coworkers.

Coworker: What am I going to do with a dollar?

Younger Figure: I dunno, coffee?  Can you still get coffee for a dollar?

Coworkers: Depends on where you get it.  And no, this’d mean now I’d have to pay it forward, and who needs that headache?

Younger Figure: Ingrate.

I tried street corner Santa Clauses; I tried school sports teams canning outside stores; I tried our building’s mail carrier – not one of them were willing to release me from the curse and take it on themselves.  I even tried not telling people what it was for, but they wouldn’t be fooled.

Younger Figure: (Holding out a dollar bill to a little old lady) Here, revered elder: accept this token of my admiration for your incredible endurance in this adventure called Life.

Little Old Lady: That’s a pay-it-forward dollar, isn’t it?

Younger Figure: No-o….

Little Old Lady: I’m too old for that garbage – find some other sap to take that thing on!

And so I wander the Earth, cursed with the burden of a good deed I can never repay, doomed to seek out a recipient for this terrible gift, given with the best of intentions but resulting in the most horrific of fates….

            The children stared in rapture at the storyteller.

           “So,” Wizened Figure’s focus returned from inward to outward, “was that scary enough for this joyous holiday season?”  The children nodded in half-excitement, half-terror.  “Good.  On an unrelated note,” Wizened Figure said while reaching into a pants pocket, “seeing as you all have been such good listeners, I have a brand-new, fresh-off-the-mint, nice-smelling dollar bill for one lucky youngster here – ” looks up after pulling out the bill to see the rug is now empty of children, “aaaaand they all left.”

           An adult cousin who had been standing in a nearby corner the whole time sauntered over.  “No worries – I’ll take that thing off your hands, if you like.”

         Wizened Figure’s eyes began tearing.  “Really?  You mean you would… free me from this curse, at long last?”

           “Sure.  Spirit of the season, right?”  The adult cousin held out a hand.

          Wizened Figure reverently placed the dollar bill onto the outstretched palm.  “Oh bless you, bless you, bless you for your sacrifice!”

           The cousin shoved the bill into a jeans pocket.  “No biggie: I don’t believe in pay-it-forward, so this all means nothing to me.  Even a dollar pretty much means nothing to me, but hey, money’s money.”

            Wizened Figure’s jaw dropped open.  “But – but – but – the curse!”

            “Also means nothing to me.  Guess that’s a perk of being a jerk, who knew?”

Story 320: Driving Accident-Free During the Holidays Through the Power of Music

            (Commercial)

          Narrator: (Voiceover) Ah, December.  The most wonderful time of the year, as the saying goes.  Do you spend most of it like this?  (Cut to five-lane bumper-to-bumper traffic, both directions) Or like this?  (Cut to a line of cars stuck behind one very slow car) Or like this?  (Cut to two cars simultaneously reversing out of spots in a strip mall parking lot and rear-ending each other)

            Driver 1: (Shaking fist out of the window) Look where you’re going, moron!

            Driver 2: (Shaking middle finger out of the window while driving away, leaving behind a trail of car parts) Merry Christmas, ------!

            Driver 1: I don’t think that season’s greeting was entirely genuine.

         Narrator: (Voiceover) Or like this?  (Cut to cars swerving in and out of the lane during a blizzard)

            Driver 3: (Sticking head out of the window) On Dasher!  On Dancer!  On all the rest, whee!

            Driver 4: (Veering off the road) Weirdo!

           Narrator: (Appears on-screen) Well, fret no more, my children: we here at radio station WNAP are here to answer your previously unknown prayers.  Granted, we can’t take away the traffic – or the snow – or the black ice – or the never-ending construction – or the messed-up roads – or the terrible drivers who should have their licenses taken away – BUT, we can make all those things basically irrelevant.  Allow me to demonstrate.  (Walks over to a car, which has an actor simulating driving)

          Actor Driver: (Speaking to an invisible car in front) Press the gas, I know you can do it, I believe in you, gaaarrggghhh!!!  (Slams head onto the steering wheel)

           Narrator: Now, observe the same subject as the environment is altered.  (Leans in through the passenger side window and turns on the radio; gentle Beethoven is heard)

        Actor Driver: (Blaring the horn) Move over, for the love of – oooooohhhhhh….. (Immediately relaxes, eyes glazing over a bit; the grip on the steering wheel lets up)

          Narrator: That’s right, folks: it isn’t medication, it’s not magic, just plain old sympathetic resonance.  Let’s try this out in the field, hm? 

            (Footage from a dashboard cam that is facing the driver)

            Driver 5: (Steering erratically) Grrrr…. (Jabs a button on the center console; soft sitar music is heard) Sighhhh…. (Leans back and begins steering serenely, smoothly and safely changing lanes and then stopping with patience as a crash, car horns, and yelling voices are heard) What a beautiful day.

            Narrator: (In an empty room) But don’t take my word for it: try it yourself the next time you feel your blood boiling as every vehicle on the road seems to go out of its way to torment you.  And almost any musical genre will do, as long as it’s around 60 beats per minute.  Go ahead: feel your heart literally slow down to match as the chaos besieging you on every side no longer seems to matter!  And to top it all off, your driving actually IMPROVES because there’s something running interference between you and the world, and you are now able to take everything in rather than focus on just your own stress and the jerk in front of you.  It truly is the Season of Miracles!

            (Cut to Driver 6, talking to the camera soothingly while driving breezily; Buddhist chants are playing over the speakers]

            Driver 6: I used to dread this time of year, averaging one accident per every five trips – now, I simply glide on and off highways, swim through parking lots, and plow over inches of snow, and I owe it all to the car radio.  Thanks, WNAP!

            Narrator: Thanks to you, our loyal listeners.  And don’t forget: subscribe to us online, and you can then take us wherever you go!  This will come in especially handy as you stand on the hour-long line waiting to buy that one gift for an unappreciative recipient.  Happy Holidays from all of us at WNAP, and keep on gently listening all year long!

           (Cut to a customer standing on line and wearing headphones, listening to string music, and sporting a beatific smile – the camera pulls back to show they are surrounded by people yelling, kids making messes all over with the store’s own merchandise, babies crying, and employees holding their heads and screaming, all of which gradually is drowned out by the swelling strings and the fade to black)