Story 276: To See Myself the Way Others See Me

            “You know what I wish?” Co-Worker 1 sighed in the breakroom.

            “What’s that?”  Co-Worker 2 did not look up from the magazine being read.

            “That I could see myself the way others see me.”

            Co-Worker 2 peered at Co-Worker 1 over the top of a pair of increasingly necessary reading glasses.  “Whatever would you want something horrible like that for?”

            “I dunno, it might be kind of fun.”

            “Ha!”

            “Well, I really would like to see things I unknowingly do that annoy people and then I’d know to stop doing them.”

            “You could just ask – I can give you a few examples right now.”

            “No, I think I’d have to see it for myself to know for sure what parts of me need improvement and what parts are awesome are they are now.”

           It was Co-Worker 2’s turn to sigh as the magazine was tossed onto the table, abandoned.  “Sure, fine, I’ll do it.”

            “Do what?”

            “Make you see yourself the way others see you.”

            “Yeah all right, what are you, my personal genie?”

            “I guess you can call me that.”

            “Ha-ha, hilarious.”

           “Yeah, I tend to forget to tell people about their one wish, maybe `cause it never comes up.  You’re not my first, you know.”

            Co-Worker 1 felt the sincerity of all this improbability.  “Oh wow.  OK, then: I wish I could see myself the way others see me.  Only for a day!” was hastily tacked on.

            Co-Worker 2 looked as if there were a sour smell close at hand.  “Are you positive you want to waste your one wish on that?  I probably could scrounge up a million dollars post-tax or send you on a vacation to the moon or something way cooler.”

            Co-Worker 1 thought this over: “Nah, those never work out right.  This, though, is honest and humble and selfless, so nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong with it!”

            “Suit yourself.”

            Co-Worker 1 clocked in after lunch and was shelving a cart of the store’s returns for several minutes when a shrill laugh suddenly pierced the air.

           “What the blazes was that?!”  Co-Worker 1 zipped through the aisles and ducked behind a fixture to peer at the customer service counter, where an unfamiliar-looking employee was yukking it up with other employees and customers alike as passers-by gave them strange looks. 

            “And he’s like, ‘Oof!’, you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh!”  The bizarre being continued to cackle while typing with two fingers to search the store’s product database.  “People are weird.”

            Co-Worker 2 walked up next to Co-Worker 1: “Enjoying the view?”

           Co-Worker 1 could not look away from the spectacle: “Not especially – who’s that weirdo up there, anyway?”

         Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1.  “You’re kidding, right?  You can’t even recognize yourself?”

           “What?  Heh-heh-heh, that’s not me, they have such an annoying laugh – I mean – look at them – you know – the hair’s parted on the wrong side!”

            “Yep, that always looks so much better in the mirror, doesn’t it?”

            Another cackling scream erupted.

            “Wow,” Co-Worker 1 winced.

            Co-Worker 2 moved on to sweep the front of the store: “You have no idea.”

THAT NIGHT

            Co-Worker 1 sat at the corner of a bar, unseen by all while observing The True Self, who was trying and failing to be the life of the party.

            “Did you see his latest movie?”

            “Um, yeah, you just talked about it five minutes ago – ”

            “Well let me tell you again what happened in case you didn’t hear it all the first time….”

            Later that evening, The True Self answered the phone.

            “What, Ma?  I’m out with my friends…. Yeah, I guess I can go visit them this weekend – do I hafta, heh-heh-heh?... I’M KIDDING!... Yes, I appreciate all of you, gotta go, it’s too loud in here, bye!”  To the posse: “Sorry, I’m a brat, but sometimes you just gotta whatever!”

            Co-Worker 2 grabbed a stool next to Co-Worker 1: “How’s the wish going?”

            “Miserably.  I can’t believe my face has been crooked this whole time!”

           “Yeah, so, forgot to ask earlier: did you want this thing to be a 24-hour day or a calendar day?”

           “What?  Oh, I guess calendar – I can’t take much more of this garbage, I don’t even know where to start with myself, everything is so abominable!”

           “If it makes you feel any better, you’ll be affected by these life-changing revelations for less than a week before it’s back to business as usual.”

          “Oh well, guess there’s no point in trying to improve anything then if I'm just going to relapse.”

            “Please do something about that laugh, though.”

            “If only I could.”

Story 256: The Button to Turn Off Your Brain

(In an office)

Employee: (On the phone) Yes, I’m still working on that… No, not yet, I’ve had to go to those meetings every day this week… no, I haven’t been able to start on that yet since I’ve been working on the other report…. Yeah, I’ve had to put that off until I can at least finish the – what?... Um, OK, when is it needed by?... (Rubs forehead) OK, I’ll start working on that now, I guess…. Nope, no-I’ll-work-on-it-now-OK-bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams the receiver) ---- my life!

Co-Worker: (Sitting at a nearby desk, never looks away from the computer screen) Whoa, easy there, champ; no need for blue words.

Employee: (Slumps back in chair) Sorry.  I’ve been astoundingly unprofessional lately, and I think the only reason I haven’t been written up or fired is that there is literally no one else to do this sh…tuff.  Yet.

Co-Worker: I hear ya.

Employee: You know what the saddest part of all this is?  I’m off to Fiji in a few weeks!  And the whole time there I’m going to be thinking about what I didn’t get done here before I left, and what’ll be waiting for me when I get back!  Makes me want to chuck it all in and call it a failed career, but then I’d been even worse off than I am now.  I just can’t win!  (Slumps half off the chair)

Co-Worker: Mm-hm.  You should have The Button installed.

Employee: (Mumbles from under the desk) What button?

Co-Worker: This.  (Lifts up hair to show a button implanted behind the right ear, as Employee sits back on the chair)

Employee: What is that?!

Co-Worker: (Lets hair fall and resumes typing) The Button.

Employee: Yes, we’ve established that – what does it do?

Co-Worker: Turns your brain off.

Employee: Well then you’d be dead.

Co-Worker: Don’t mean it like that: you program it to target certain brain waves so when you turn it on, those thoughts you don’t want are blocked and you don’t think `em anymore.  Helps you truly live in the moment.

Employee: Sounds like it’d give you a tumor 10 years from now.

Co-Worker: Studies are inconclusive.  Meantime it’s saved my sanity, so for me that’d be a fair trade.

Employee: Maybe.  It really works?

Co-Worker: Heck yeah – haven’t turned it off in over a year.

Employee: Really?  But what about… work?

Co-Worker: What about what?

Employee: (Walks over to Co-Worker’s computer and sees a graphic novel is being created) Never mind.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            (Employee is on an airplane before take-off when cell phone rings; a number from the office is displayed)

            Employee: (Hisses) What?  I’m off the clock!

            Co-Worker: Exactly: did you hit The Button yet?

           Employee: (Gently touches area behind the left ear and winces) No; it’s still a little sore and I’m waiting until after we land.  You know, so I can fully relax.  Plus I’m still a little on edge about the whole thing; I feel like a cyborg!

            Co-Worker: How many times have you thought about work in the past half hour?

           Employee: I don’t know, there was – and then there’s – see, there’s this big meeting coming up soon –

            Co-Worker: Hit The Button now.

            Employee: Now hold on a minute, let’s not be hasty – I don’t want this thing interfering with the plane’s computers or anything – oh shoot, that reminds me, I forgot to do a spreadsheet for the monthly report that’s due the day I come back –

            Co-Worker: Hit The Button!

          Employee: Pushy.  (Looks around surreptitiously, then hits The Button as if scratching that ear)

            Co-Worker: Well?

            Employee: Well… what?  I don’t feel any different.

            Co-Worker: What are you worried about at this very moment?

           Employee: (Starts to speak, then slowly and full-facedly smiles) Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

            Co-Worker: Enjoy your trip.  (Disconnects call)

            Employee: Ab-so-lute-ly nothing.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            (In the office, Employee walks to desk, still wearing the same smile; Co-Worker is at station, still never looking away from the computer)

            Employee: Goooooood morning!

            Co-Worker: Hey.  How was Fiji?

           Employee: (Sits and spins in chair) Wooooonderful.  Plus I helped with a beach clean-up while I was there, so I wasn’t total trash.

            Co-Worker: Cool.  So, when’d you wind up turning The Button off?

            Employee: (Giggles) Haven’t.  (Spins more quickly in the chair)

          Co-Worker: (Finally turns away from the computer to face Employee) You know, you really should now that you’re actually back at work.  You’re brain’s only supposed to be turned off from work when you’re not at work, so the job doesn’t steal your time and therefore your soul.

            Employee: (Still spinning, now leaning back and looking upside-down) Why should I?  For once I’m happy to be here; don’t you understand how amazing that is?  Besides, you never turn yours off.

            Co-Worker: That’s `cause I don’t actually need this job: my mom just stuck me here to watch that you guys don’t steal the company’s money.

            Employee: (Stops mid-spin) Huh?

            Co-Worker: I couldn’t care less what you all do here, but if you slack off to the point where she has to fire you and finds out about The Button, she’ll ground me forever!

            Employee: How old are you?

            Co-Worker: I’m too embarrassed to say – just turn The Button off!

            Employee: You know, you yell at me to turn it on, you yell at me to turn it off – there’s just no pleasing you.

            Co-Worker: Turn it off!

            Employee: Oh all right.  (Hits The Button; the smile vanishes) Oh.  There it is.

            Co-Worker: You’re welcome on the great vacation, by the way.  (Turns back to the computer)

            Employee: (Slouches, then depressedly turns on the computer and begins work) Yeah, thanks on that.  At least I had a good time until now.

            Co-Worker: It’s all about compartmentalization.

Story 228: I Don’t Have to Argue Anymore

            Friends of convenience while at work, the two employees were eating lunch in the cafeteria when Co-Worker 1’s manager swung by.

            “Hey, hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Manager said just as Co-Worker 1 had taken a big bite out of a sandwich.  “Just wanted to let you know, that budget report due tomorrow morning?”

            “Mm-hm?”

            “Yeah, you really should re-do your section, make it a little more… presentable, if you will.  I know it’s last minute and you’ll probably have to stay late to finish it, but it’s gotta be done, `K?”

            “Mm-hm.”

            “Great, see you later.”

            Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1, who had resumed eating the sandwich.

            “What?”  Co-Worker 1 asked between bites.

            “Just like that?”  Co-Worker 2 counter-asked.

            “Hm?”

           “You just got a boatload of probably unnecessary extra work dumped on you during your lunch break, and you’re not even upset about it?  And you didn’t even argue about how unnecessarily extra it probably is, because it’s extremely unlikely anyone’s going to notice how presentable that thing is or not?”

            “Nah – what’s the point?”  Co-Worker 1 dug into a chocolate pudding with glee.  “It would only sound like I’m whining, I’d be accused of slacking off and making our department look bad, and I’d still get stuck with doing it.”

            “Yeah, but, the principle of the thing!”

            “I used to think as you do,” Co-Worker 1 said, contemplating the spoon.  “I used to argue about the unfairness of it all, when middle management just didn’t seem to get what I was doing, or people in general were just the worst, until that magical day when I finally understood how ineffective that tactic is, and now I don’t have to argue anymore.  I’ve found a much better method of dealing with unpleasantness.”

            “Oh?”

            “Mm-hm: ‘yes’ them to death, then go ahead and do whatever I was going to do anyway.”

            Co-Worker 2 thought this over: “Isn’t that lying?”

           “Not really.  I usually say ‘OK’ as an acknowledgement of what they’ve said.  ‘Yes, I hear what you’re saying’ is all I am conveying, and I continue on as I was before.”

            “Yeah, but it sounds like you’re agreeing to do what they’re saying – you have to have been called on that by now.”

            “Usually variations on the phrase ‘something else came up that took priority’ works, or ‘I looked it over and saw that the original format was more cost-effective,’ or whatever the case may be.  If none else applies, I just say ‘sorry’ with the blatant undertone that I am not but there’s nothing they can do about it without calling me a liar, which no one ever wants to accuse anyone of being unless they’re willing to venture past the societal point of no return.”

            “All right, but are any of those really going to work this time?  I mean, this is your boss telling you to work late; I don’t think other priorities or ‘sorry’ is going to cut it.”

            “You’re absolutely right, so this situation calls for the one-use only ‘I forgot.’  I’ve been saving it for an occasion such as this, because it very easily can be overplayed.”

            “Wow.  This actually sounds like a better way to get along in… everything.  Mind if I borrow it?  I feel like I’ve been arguing with everybody lately because they want me to do stupid stuff that they’re too lazy to do themselves.”

            “By all means – let me know how it works out.”

           That afternoon, Co-Worker 2 was in the middle of a conference call when Co-Worker 3 swung by.

            “Hey,” Co-Worker 3 began; Co-Worker 2 turned off the telephone’s mic so the others on the call would not hear the inevitable shouting.  “So, just wanted to say that I’d appreciate it if you sent your daily e-mails to me first, about half an hour before sending them to everyone else, just so, you know, I get to see them before everyone else.  `K?”

         Co-Worker 2’s first instinct was to detail all the reasons why this was redundant, an unnecessary delay of the information being distributed, of no value to anyone except Co-Worker 3’s ego, and, most importantly, that Co-Worker 3 was not Co-Worker 2’s boss and therefore should not be telling Co-Worker 2 what to do; however, Co-Worker 2 instead said “Mm-hm” and pointedly turned on the phone’s mic while turning slightly away from Co-Worker 3.

            “Great,” Co-Worker 3 whispered, then slunk off saying “Byyyyeeee…”

            After the conference call ended, Co-Worker 2 dialed Co-Worker 1’s extension and relayed what had just happened.

            “And?” Co-Worker 1 asked.

           “You may be on to something.  We’ll see what happens when I keep sending the e-mails to everyone like I normally do.  Maybe I should tell my manager about it?”

          “Only as a last resort – if you escalate this, it’ll just prove that you’re deliberately defying.  This way, the upstart instead has to deal with recurring passive aggression, and most people can’t.”

            “Good point.  I wonder if this also works if someone tries to pick a fist fight?”

            “Hopefully you’ll never have to find out, but it should at least take the wind out of their sails.”