Story 256: The Button to Turn Off Your Brain

(In an office)

Employee: (On the phone) Yes, I’m still working on that… No, not yet, I’ve had to go to those meetings every day this week… no, I haven’t been able to start on that yet since I’ve been working on the other report…. Yeah, I’ve had to put that off until I can at least finish the – what?... Um, OK, when is it needed by?... (Rubs forehead) OK, I’ll start working on that now, I guess…. Nope, no-I’ll-work-on-it-now-OK-bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams the receiver) ---- my life!

Co-Worker: (Sitting at a nearby desk, never looks away from the computer screen) Whoa, easy there, champ; no need for blue words.

Employee: (Slumps back in chair) Sorry.  I’ve been astoundingly unprofessional lately, and I think the only reason I haven’t been written up or fired is that there is literally no one else to do this sh…tuff.  Yet.

Co-Worker: I hear ya.

Employee: You know what the saddest part of all this is?  I’m off to Fiji in a few weeks!  And the whole time there I’m going to be thinking about what I didn’t get done here before I left, and what’ll be waiting for me when I get back!  Makes me want to chuck it all in and call it a failed career, but then I’d been even worse off than I am now.  I just can’t win!  (Slumps half off the chair)

Co-Worker: Mm-hm.  You should have The Button installed.

Employee: (Mumbles from under the desk) What button?

Co-Worker: This.  (Lifts up hair to show a button implanted behind the right ear, as Employee sits back on the chair)

Employee: What is that?!

Co-Worker: (Lets hair fall and resumes typing) The Button.

Employee: Yes, we’ve established that – what does it do?

Co-Worker: Turns your brain off.

Employee: Well then you’d be dead.

Co-Worker: Don’t mean it like that: you program it to target certain brain waves so when you turn it on, those thoughts you don’t want are blocked and you don’t think `em anymore.  Helps you truly live in the moment.

Employee: Sounds like it’d give you a tumor 10 years from now.

Co-Worker: Studies are inconclusive.  Meantime it’s saved my sanity, so for me that’d be a fair trade.

Employee: Maybe.  It really works?

Co-Worker: Heck yeah – haven’t turned it off in over a year.

Employee: Really?  But what about… work?

Co-Worker: What about what?

Employee: (Walks over to Co-Worker’s computer and sees a graphic novel is being created) Never mind.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            (Employee is on an airplane before take-off when cell phone rings; a number from the office is displayed)

            Employee: (Hisses) What?  I’m off the clock!

            Co-Worker: Exactly: did you hit The Button yet?

           Employee: (Gently touches area behind the left ear and winces) No; it’s still a little sore and I’m waiting until after we land.  You know, so I can fully relax.  Plus I’m still a little on edge about the whole thing; I feel like a cyborg!

            Co-Worker: How many times have you thought about work in the past half hour?

           Employee: I don’t know, there was – and then there’s – see, there’s this big meeting coming up soon –

            Co-Worker: Hit The Button now.

            Employee: Now hold on a minute, let’s not be hasty – I don’t want this thing interfering with the plane’s computers or anything – oh shoot, that reminds me, I forgot to do a spreadsheet for the monthly report that’s due the day I come back –

            Co-Worker: Hit The Button!

          Employee: Pushy.  (Looks around surreptitiously, then hits The Button as if scratching that ear)

            Co-Worker: Well?

            Employee: Well… what?  I don’t feel any different.

            Co-Worker: What are you worried about at this very moment?

           Employee: (Starts to speak, then slowly and full-facedly smiles) Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

            Co-Worker: Enjoy your trip.  (Disconnects call)

            Employee: Ab-so-lute-ly nothing.

A FEW WEEKS LATER

            (In the office, Employee walks to desk, still wearing the same smile; Co-Worker is at station, still never looking away from the computer)

            Employee: Goooooood morning!

            Co-Worker: Hey.  How was Fiji?

           Employee: (Sits and spins in chair) Wooooonderful.  Plus I helped with a beach clean-up while I was there, so I wasn’t total trash.

            Co-Worker: Cool.  So, when’d you wind up turning The Button off?

            Employee: (Giggles) Haven’t.  (Spins more quickly in the chair)

          Co-Worker: (Finally turns away from the computer to face Employee) You know, you really should now that you’re actually back at work.  You’re brain’s only supposed to be turned off from work when you’re not at work, so the job doesn’t steal your time and therefore your soul.

            Employee: (Still spinning, now leaning back and looking upside-down) Why should I?  For once I’m happy to be here; don’t you understand how amazing that is?  Besides, you never turn yours off.

            Co-Worker: That’s `cause I don’t actually need this job: my mom just stuck me here to watch that you guys don’t steal the company’s money.

            Employee: (Stops mid-spin) Huh?

            Co-Worker: I couldn’t care less what you all do here, but if you slack off to the point where she has to fire you and finds out about The Button, she’ll ground me forever!

            Employee: How old are you?

            Co-Worker: I’m too embarrassed to say – just turn The Button off!

            Employee: You know, you yell at me to turn it on, you yell at me to turn it off – there’s just no pleasing you.

            Co-Worker: Turn it off!

            Employee: Oh all right.  (Hits The Button; the smile vanishes) Oh.  There it is.

            Co-Worker: You’re welcome on the great vacation, by the way.  (Turns back to the computer)

            Employee: (Slouches, then depressedly turns on the computer and begins work) Yeah, thanks on that.  At least I had a good time until now.

            Co-Worker: It’s all about compartmentalization.