Story 493: An Extra Ticket

Relative 1: (Answers ringing phone) Hi, what’s up?

Relative 2: Hey!  So, you doing anything on Saturday?

Relative 1: Uh, don’t think so; why?

Relative 2: Well, the siblings and I want to go see the opera that day and there’s a family group discount thing that can be applied for a minimum of four people but there’s only three of us and no one else we called so far can go that day and we don’t want to get a fourth ticket if no one’s actually going to use it and it’s a really good deal but no worries since you’re our favorite cousin we’ll pay for your ticket and whaddya say?

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t like opera.       

Relative 2: Perfect!  We’ll have great seats – second row orchestra if they haven’t been snatched up by some other family party yet – and we’ll even get your bus and subway tickets for there and back plus throw in lunch `cause you’re doing us such a huge favor.

Relative 1: …But I don’t like opera.

Relative 2: Awesome!  Show starts at 1:00; we’ll pick you up at 9:30 to give us enough time to get to the city and eat; you’re the best; see you then; byeeeeeeee!!!!!  (Ends the call)

Relative 1: (Still holding the phone) …But I don’t like opera.

 SATURDAY

(In the opera house, Relatives 1-4 find their seats in second row orchestra)

Relative 3: (As they all sit) Wow, this is terrific!  We’re so close we’ll be able to see when they miss their marks!

Relative 4: (To Relative 2) You really did get some of the best seats!

Relative 2: (Chuckles humbly) Well, it’s all thanks to you-know-who-here – (Gestures to Relative 1) who so graciously came along with us today so we could get these at an almost-reasonable price.

Relative 1: (Hunched over with arms and legs crossed) Yeah; so how long’s this thing?

Relative 3: Ooh, I saw that in the program…. (Flips through the pages) Ah, here: five hours and 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Uncrosses limbs) WHAT?!

Relative 3: Oh don’t worry, that’s counting the two intermissions that’re 40 minutes long each.

Relative 4: Lots of scenery to build up and break down between acts, you know.  Plus the singers need to rest after screaming at each other and throwing themselves across the stage for over an hour.

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) You didn’t say anything about this thing being almost a quarter of a day long!

Relative 2: Sorry, I thought you knew this particular work was an especially lengthy one.

Relative 1: Why would I?!  I DON’T LIKE OPERA!

Relative 2: First I’m hearing of it.

Relative 3: (As the house lights dim) Ssh-ssh, it’s starting!

Relative 1: (Hissing to Relative 2) And how am I supposed to understand what’s going on when the entire thing’s recited in a language I never learned?!

Relative 2: (Points to panels with buttons on the back of the seats in front of them) You can pull up English subtitles here – now, enjoy the drama!

Relative 1: (Pushes buttons until the English subtitles appear as the conductor takes the podium to applause; mutters) Can’t believe I have to work in order to watch something.  (The overture begins) …At least the music’s decent.

 FIRST INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 4: Golly, this production is fantastic!

Relative 3: Definitely!  I mean, of course the singers and musicians are phenomenal, but those sets!  What a bold choice for them to relocate the action from 18^th-century Venice to a 50^th-century spaceship headed for the Andromeda Galaxy!

Relative 2: Right, and the costumes now being astronaut suits, except one character I think is supposed to be an inhabitant of the planet the main cast landed on so that one’s just in shorts and a T-shirt.

Relative 4: Oh, I thought that character was just the crew’s boss.

Relative 3: Ooh, and replacing the original story’s swords with ray guns?  Brilliant.

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) So, what do you think?

Relative 1: (Staring at the curtain covering the stage) I’m… not sure.

Relative 2: How do you mean?

Relative 1: It’s just… is the main character really out to avenge the family members who were tragically lost, or is the objective actually interplanetary colonization?

Relative 2: Oh, well, the original story was the vengeance angle, but you may be right that this new version added another layer of meaning to everything else going on.

Relative 4: Lyrics are all still the same, though; they held up surprisingly well over the centuries.

Relative 1: (As the house lights dim to start Act 2) Yeah… surprising….

 SECOND INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 1: (Bawling) I don’t understand – why can’t those two spend the rest of their lives together?!

Relative 2: (Also bawling) Duty!  Honor!  The Family!  Pick one!

Relative 1: But the musical cues make it seem like they’re perfect for each other!

Relative 3: (Also bawling) That’s what makes it all the more tragic!

Relative 4: (Also bawling) That and the destruction of Earth and the collateral damage from invasion – but those parts were added just to this version.

Relative 1: I don’t think I can take much more of this!

Relative 2: It’s all right; only two hours to go.

Relative 1: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The cast and orchestra members bow to standing ovations)

Relatives 2-4: (Applauding wildly) Yaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Relative 1: (Applauding wildly while sobbing) You all broke my heart!  Every last one of you!

(Outside the opera house, Relatives 1-4 walk to the nearest subway station)

Relative 4: That was amazing!

Relative 3: Totally!   So glad we got to do this.

Relative 2: Yes, a great day out – (To Relative 1) wouldn’t you say?

Relative 1: (Emerging from being deep in thought) Hm?  Oh, yeah, great.

Relative 2: Sooooo, did you wind up liking it in spite of yourself?

Relative 1: (Stops walking to stare at Relative 2, who also stops) I can’t get the music out of my head.  The singers’ performances will haunt me to the end of my days.  I will never be moved by anything as much as what I experienced just now.  Opera has invaded my soul and claimed me as its own – help me, help me!

Relative 2: (To Relatives 3 and 4) Oh dear, I think we created a monster.

Relative 3: Hey, don’t knock it: the arts'll take all the support they can get these days.

Story 492: Cat Corraller

(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)

Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.

Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)

Neighbor: Heh, what was that?

Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here!  (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)

Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis

Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me!  (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie!  Come back here!

Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em  - they’re much too fast and wily.

Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!

Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....

(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.”  The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)

Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?

Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there.  (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)

Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?

Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh?  Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.

Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?

Cat Corraller: No need.  (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.

Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.

Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?

Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes!  Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!

(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)

Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah.  We’ve got a slippery devil here.

Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!

Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents.  However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.

(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)

Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect.  We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie.  (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north.  (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south.  (Points to self) I: approach from the east.

Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?

Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too!  Simple geometry!

(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)

Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks. 

Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!

Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.

Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.

(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away.  The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling.  When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house.  The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door.  Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside.  In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)

Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby!  You gave me quite a scare there!

Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye.  Here.  (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house.  It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.

Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!

Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work.  Here’s also my bill.  (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.

Homeowner: Oh, right.  (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.

Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.

Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums?  (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?

Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.

Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew!  That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now!  (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes.  All three stare at the spot for several moments)

Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.

Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.

Story 491: Bookstore Pick-Up

(In a bookstore, Customer 1 stands facing a display table, slowly leafing through a sci-fi hardcover.  Customer 2 casually strolls by, casually makes a wide turn, casually picks up a hardcover from the opposite side of the table, and casually leafs through it as well.  Customer 1’s eyes briefly flick up at Customer 2 and then lower back to the book; Customer 2 leafs through a few more pages, then glances up at the title in Customer 1’s hands)

Customer 2: Oh!  (Gestures with the book at Customer 1’s book when the latter looks up) I heard that’s a good one.  (Smiles broadly)

Customer 1: (Neutrally) Really.

Customer 2: Yeah, it’s been getting great reviews; I’ve been thinking about reading it myself.

Customer 1: (Nods) Good to know.  (Returns to leafing)

Customer 2: (Slowly walks around the table to Customer 1’s side, still holding the book open) Sooooo… do you read often?

Customer 1: (Looks up again, barely disguising a smirk) A lot of people do, yes.

Customer 2: Heh, what I mean is, do you… (Looks up to think) read here often?... Come here often… to read?... Buy books here… to read them at home… often?

Customer 1: (Slowly puts the book back onto its pile and straightens it) Are you seriously trying to pick up someone at a bookstore?

Customer 2: (Laughs loudly for a bit, then starts fiddling with the book jacket) I thought a change in venue and clientele would increase the probability of success, yes.

Customer 1: (Nods again) And here I was, thinking I’m the only one with that idea.

Customer 2: (Stares) Really?

Customer 1: Oh yeah, been doing it for ages; definitely at lot safer than a bar.

Customer 2: That’s what I was thinking!  I mean, what’s the worst these nerds could do, am-I-right?  (An elderly couple passing by glare at Customer 2, who whispers at them) No offense.

Customer 1: Well, you still need to be careful.

Customer 2: Of course.

Customer 1: A lot of weirdos actually do come in here, and sometimes you can’t tell right away who’s just passionate about entertainment and whose life is consumed by fandom.

Customer 2: Don’t I know it.

Customer 1: …Wanna tag along?

Customer 2: Yes please.

(After neatly returning the other book to its correct pile, the two casually stroll through the semi-busy store, heads on a constant, unobtrusive swivel)

Customer 1: (Stops and turns to whisper to Customer 2) OK, see that one browsing off to the left there?

Customer 2: (Tries not to look directly at the object of their discussion and whispers back) Yeah?

Customer 1: I’m goin’ in.

Customer 2: Wait a second: here?!

Customer 1: Yeah, why not?

Customer 2: Because, in case you haven’t noticed the ginormous signs all over the place, we are now in the Children’s section!

Customer 1: (Laughs softly, still whispering) This isn’t the Children’s section; it’s the Teen section.

Customer 2: That’s not better!  And I can’t tell from here – what if that one is a teen; we’re literally decades older, we could go to jail!

Customer 1: (Sighs) You need to have your eyes checked: that’s clearly an adult who has eclectic and discerning tastes in all types of literature regardless of the intended audience, and I’m goin’ in.  Watch and learn.

Customer 2: (Moves to stand behind a support pillar) I’ll watch and learn from here as you walk into an obvious sting operation.

Customer 1: (Glares smilingly at Customer 2, then casually strolls past Customer 3 who has taken a book off the shelf and is reading the back cover) Oh!  (Points to the book as Customer 3 looks up) I heard that’s a good one. 

Customer 2: (Grimaces softly) Ugh!

Customer 3: (To Customer 1) Yeah, I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere; wanted to know what’s all the fuss about.

Customer 1: I know, right?  (Leans an elbow on the bookshelf while facing Customer 3) Word is, if this one does well, the author’ll write a sequel.  Obviously; who doesn’t nowadays?  Everything’s a franchise.

Customer 3: (Laughs) You’re tellin’ me.

Customer 1: (Also laughs) Definitely… So, I’m – (Is cut off by the piercing scream of an infant)

Customer 4: (Rounds a nearby corner, appearing disheveled while pushing a stroller with the crying baby and carrying a whimpering toddler; to Customer 3) Didn’t you hear me calling you?!  It took me 10 minutes to get these two out of the bathroom – what’re you doing all the way over here?!

Customer 3: (Takes the toddler from Customer 4 as Customer 1 makes a hasty retreat) Sorry babe – got distracted.

Customer 4: I wish I had that luxury!  (Sees the book that Customer 3 is holding) Well, if you’re buying that, just add it to the pile.  (Points to a basket hanging underneath the stroller and overflowing with board books and plush toys)

Customer 3: (Puts the book back on the shelf) Nah, not interested.  (To the toddler as the four of them make their way noisily to the front cash registers) Hey bub, what would you like read tonight, huh?

Customer 1: (Trots over to Customer 2, who is stifling giggles) Not a word – let’s go.

(They continue their circuit through the store, navigating around customers and carts of products to be shelved)

Customer 2: (Stops and whispers to Customer 1) Ooh, how about that employee shelving board games over there?  Seems nice.

Customer 1: (Whispers back) “Nice” meaning “hot”?

Customer 2: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Nope; no, employees are off-limits.

Customer 2: What?  Why?

Customer 1: Think about it: there’s already a power imbalance since they’re being paid to serve the customers, so they’ll say anything to keep you happy, and also to go away.

Customer 2: (Falsely humble) Well, I don’t know about you, but I may have had a few promising encounters with staff members in the past.

Customer 1: At places like this?

Customer 2: …No.

Customer 1: Yeah.  No employees.  (Looks around and subtly gestures at a customer in the magazine section) OK, that one browsing through Crafts and Hobbies – seems stable enough.

Customer 2: Eh, I suppose.

Customer 1: Wanna try tag teaming this time?

Customer 2: Considering you have yet to successfully pick up someone here tonight… yes. 

(Customer 1 smothers laughter as they walk over to that section; each grabs a magazine to browse as they slowly move closer to Customer 5 in a pincer movement)

Customer 1: (Unobtrusively leans over to see the type of magazine Customer 5 is reading) Oh, excuse me?

Customer 5: (Looks up at Customer 1) Yes?

Customer 1: Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit – (Nods at the magazine) is that a good magazine to start with?

Customer 5: Oh yes, it’s pretty informative.  (Intensely) If you want, I can teach you everything I know.

Customer 1: (Blinks a few times) Sorry, what?

Customer 5: I knit anything and everything – all I do is knit-knit-knit.  I’ve been searching the world over for a protégé to whom I can pass my knowledge – at last, my search has ended.

Customer 1: (Unaware of dropping the magazine onto the floor) Ummmm….

Customer 5: (Grabs Customer 1’s hand) Join me, and we will create a new world, one of peace, and joy, and – !

Customer 2: (Has put back the magazine and slips around Customer 5 to take Customer 1 by the waist) Babe, come on, you know people don’t like it when you talk to them!  (To Customer 5 as they walk away) Sorry, so annoying.

Customer 5: (To their backs as they exit the store) Make sure you subscribe to my channel, “Knit or Not” – it’ll change your life!

(In the parking lot, Customer 1 and Customer 2 separate and stop under a lamppost)

Customer 1: Thank you – that was certainly unexpected.

Customer 2: Sure; guess you just never know what kinds of weirdos you’re gonna meet in places like this.

Customer 1: That indeed.

Customer 2: Well, this was certainly enlightening.  I now know exactly what not to do when trying to pick up a stranger so, you know, thanks for that.

Customer 1: You’re welcome…. So, ever want another lesson?

Customer 2: Heh-heh, you’re hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, although this wound up being the most enjoyable evening I’ve had in a long time, I seriously doubt the effectiveness of your methods.

Customer 1: Really.

Customer 2: I do, yes.

Customer 1: Worked on you, didn’t they?

Customer 2: (Laughs in disbelief) …No, no, I saw you first; I picked you up.  Tried to, anyway.

Customer 1: Yeeeaaahh, I saw you come into the store about five minutes earlier.  Thought you looked nice, so I... placed myself in your mostly likely path, and I waited.

Customer 2: (Eyes widen in realization) Honey pot?!  That’s the honey pot trap!

Customer 1: (Laughing) Well, I wasn’t out for any state secrets you’re hiding, but basically yeah.

Customer 2: You… sly… trickster!  I take back everything I said earlier: you’re really good.

Customer 1: Why thank you.  (Does a little curtsy)

Customer 2: So, seeing as we both got what we originally were aiming for tonight, how about we celebrate with dessert at the café around the corner?

Customer 1: Sounds great.  (They walk toward their respective cars) Keep in mind: jury’s still out on whether you’re one of the weirdos I have to worry about, though.

Customer 2: Same.