Story 292: Undercover Bargain Basement

            (In a mall department store fitting room area)

           Friend 1: (Emerging from one of the rooms in an ill-fitting frock, arms spread out wide to display the disaster; approaches Friend 2 who is seated in a comfy chair in the waiting area) Well????

            Friend 2: (Grimaces) Yeah, not any better than the others.  I actually think it’s a bit worse.

           Friend 1: Gaahh!  What good is a store-specific gift card if nothing in said store fits right?!  And the stuff that does fit is priced for rich people who never shop here!  (Removes dress, revealing regular clothes underneath, and flings it onto the floor in emphasis)  And the rest is made for super-tall people who also never shop here!

            Guy: (Has been seated in a comfy chair near Friend 2 the entire time and has not looked up from playing on his phone) Heh-heh-heh, no one ever goes to The Basement.

            Friend 1: (Pauses in disgust at interrupted tirade) Why would they?  Basements are creepy, and so was that laugh.

            Guy: (Finally looks up) Not a basement, The Basement.  (Friend 1 blinks blankly) The one here, on the lower level of the store.  (Blank blinking) It’s been there for about two years.  (Blank blinking) Seriously, you’ve never heard of it?!

            Friend 1: I think you’re making it up.

            Guy: There’re signs for it everywhere; look – (Points to a wall) there’s even one right next to your heard!

            Friend 1: (Turns to stare at a sign that reads “CHECK OUT EVEN MORE SAVINGS IN THE BASEMENT!  LOCATED IN THE LOWER LEVEL – USE THE ESCALATORS AND ELEVATORS IN ACCESSORIES”) Hmmmm….

            Guy: And there’s been at least 10 overhead announcements about it in the past hour.

            Friend 1: I’ve yet to hear one.

            Guy: There’s one literally going on right now!

            (Friend 1 tilts head)

            Overhead Announcement: …Basement, located in the lower level, for even more savings!

            Friend 1: Hmmmm….

            Guy: Marketing truly is a thankless job.

            Friend 2: I actually have noticed all that stuff –

            Friend 1: (Whirls on Friend 2) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: – but I figured there’d just be damage bins or racks of hideous rejects; you know, all the junk no one wants.

            Guy: (Leans back in reverie) Ah, that’s what everyone thinks, right up until the moment they go downstairs and experience the magic and wonder for themselves.

            Friend 1: What, knock-off brands?

           Guy: Hardly.  Think of it as a few steps above a dollar store: you’ll come out of there with bags and bags of pretty decent merch for literally a quarter of what you would’ve paid when they were up here.  Last year, I was able to replace my entire moth-eaten winter wardrobe in one trip to a single rack.

Friend 1: (Disbelievingly) No!

Guy: (Nods) A friend of mine once bought a bedroom set for 20 bucks because the style was out of season.

Friend 2: Whaaaaaaaaaaat????

Guy: And the pajamas are to die for.  The place is an oasis: it’s so beautiful, I could cry.

Friend 1: So what’s the catch – is there a cover charge?

Guy: No.

Friend 1: Secret password?

Guy: No, you just go downstairs.

Friend 1: But there must be booby traps or a maze to navigate or a riddle to solve, yes?

Guy: No, it’s just really really really cheap stuff!... That they want to get rid of and this is the best way to do it.

Friend 1: So if it’s such a paradise, what’re you doing up on this level at all, ever?

Guy: (Jerks head towards the fitting rooms) Serving out my sentence.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry.

Guy: Don’t be; it’s deserved.  (Returns to the phone)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at each other for a moment before Friend 1 gathers the dress from the floor and runs back to the fitting room to grab the other clothes left in there, and Friend 2 collects their bags)

Friend 2: (To Guy) Thanks for the advice – we’ll be heading there now.

Guy: (Looks up again) Ooh, could you do me a favor?  If I’m still here when you’re done, could you let me know if that all-inclusive grill set is still for sale?

Friend 2: (While Friend 1 continuously drops items from an overflowing pile) Sure – want us to ask them to hold it for you?

Guy: Nah, that just looks desperate.

Friend 1: (Throws entire pile of clothes at the reshelves rack, knocking it over; grabs Friend 2’s hand on the way out) Thanks a bunch – stay strong – we’ll write – byeeeeee!!

(In The Basement, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand in the center of the floor with their eyes, mouths, and arms wide open)

Friend 2: There’s so much stuff –

Friend 1: And the quality’s not bad –

Friend 2: And not all the styles are atrocious –

Friend 1: And everything’s so darn cheap –

Friend 1 and Friend 2: SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: Hush, please: this is a sacred space.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Whisper) SQUEEEEEE!!!

Basement Sales Associate: (Smiles indulgently) It’s all right – off you go.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 each grab a shopping cart and tear though the department picking up clothes, vacuum cleaners, table settings, snow shovels, air hockey tables, and everything else.  They wheel their overloaded carts to the cash registers and nearly topple them over as they snatch the impulse buys that are sitting alongside the register line, asking to be purchased)

Basement Cashier: (After taking 20 minutes to ring up every last item in Friend 1’s cart) That’ll be $14.10.

Friend 1: (Faints)

(Exiting from the elevator back onto the first floor, Friend 1 and Friend 2 slowly push their laden-down carts through the aisles of the store)

Friend 1: You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that out of all of these things, I really only needed one.

Friend 2: Oh yeah, most of mine are gifts so I don’t have to come back here at all during the holiday season.

Friend 1: Smart.

(As they pass the fitting room area they see Guy still seated in the comfy chair – he is surrounded by piles of bags and clothes, with only his head peeking out the top.  He spots the two and raises his eyebrows in inquiry)

Friend 2: Oh, oops – (Cups side of mouth to shout) Sorry dude!  Forgot to check for the grill!

Guy: Understandable!  (Sinks under the piles)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 start pushing their carts again; they only advance a few feet before both carts collapse under the weight)

Friend 1: So… I guess we have to live here then?

Friend 2: That may have been the store’s diabolical plan all along.

Story 291: Jury Duty, Away We Go!

(Monday morning at the county courthouse.  Members of that week’s jury pool wander their way downstairs to the assembly room to spend the next several hours/days, waiting, waiting, and waiting)

Jury Pool Member 1: (To Jury Pool Member 2) Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?  (Points to an empty chair at a long table)

Jury Pool Member 2: (Briefly looks up from 1,000-page novel) Nope: all yours.

Jury Pool Member 1: Sweet.  (Sits, drops a huge camping bag onto the table, and unpacks a laptop, noise-cancelling headphones, video game console, pedicure tub, submarine sandwich, coffee maker, and an apple) Let me know if I’m in the way.

            Jury Pool Member 3: (To Court Employee at check-in) What do you mean I didn’t have to come in today?!

            Court Employee: Your number’s in the group that’s on-call so you didn’t have to come to the courthouse today; said so clearly on the phone message, Web site, e-mail –

            Jury Pool Member 3: So I took a day off from work for nothing?!

            Court Employee: Appears so.  (Hands back summons form) Enjoy.  Next!

           Jury Pool Member 3: (Stands off to the side of the line, staring at the summons) They didn’t need me to come in today… but work thinks I’m here… I have the rest of the day off… AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM!!!  (Runs out of the courthouse screaming in victory)

            Court Employee: (To the Jury Pool) Right, everyone’s now marked as “Present” so they don’t get arrested; here’s the video.  (The rest of the room watches a 10-minute video explaining their duties and demonstrating a trial acted out by an improv class, while Court Employee knits a sweater) Great, that's over; any questions?

            Jury Pool Member 4: (Raises hand) Yes, I –

           Court Employee: No?  Good; lunch is at 12:30; bye.  (Never rising from the chair, continues to knit while wheeling self over to the back office to mark off the beginning of another week on the monotony calendar)

            (Four hours later)

            Jury Pool Member 5: (To Jury Pool Member 6) This is the tenth time I’ve been summoned in two years – I think I may start a new career as a professional juror, help out the justice system with my expertise and all that.

           Jury Pool Member 6: I didn’t think it was legal to be summoned so many times in so short a time?

            Jury Pool Member 5: I move around a lot.

         Jury Pool Member 6: Oh, well, I hadn’t been summoned in over six years; I was getting bummed out `cause I thought they didn’t want me to perform my civic duty.

          Jury Pool Member 7: (Leans over to the other two) All I know is, they’d better not call my name to serve on a jury if they know what’s good for them.

            Jury Pool Member 6: What, will your job get mad at you for being here so long?

            Jury Pool Member 7: No – what?  No, I mean, they’d better not call me, `cause I’ll make them pay.  I hate juries.

            Jury Pool Member 5: I don’t know, it might be exciting to serve on one, you know, liven up things for a few minutes.

            Jury Pool Member 7: Ha!  If you don’t keel over from the boredom of “Voir DIEre,” then the sheer amount of lies streaming over you from all directions will surely crush you where you sit.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Well, I’d like a jury of my peers if that were me on trial.

         Jury Pool Member 7: Up until the moment they find you guilty; then you’re plotting your revenge.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Have you had a bad experience with jury duty, then?

           Jury Pool Member 7: Not with jury duty: with trial by jury.  Twelve randos deciding my fate, when they knew nothing about me and believed every story the lawyers on both sides trotted out before them, all the way through the end?  That’s why you don’t hire people based on a two-minute interview and minimal training – you’re asking for disaster.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Wait, if you’ve been on trial, wouldn’t that make you ineligible to serve as a juror?

           Jury Pool Member 7: You would think so.  Ever since I got out, I’ve served 17 times in five counties and haven’t gotten kicked off once.  (Court Employee starts calling names for jury panels; Jury Pool Member 7’s name is read) Son of a – !  Whelp, here we go for trial #18 – time for my nap.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Have you tried emphasizing you’re an ex-con so you can get kicked off by…somebody?

            Jury Pool Member 7: I’ve thought about it, but I’m also sorely tempted by the $40 a day.

            (In a courtroom)

           Judge: (Looking out at the sea of faces, muttering under breath) Oh no, why did they call a hundred of them, I’ll never see the outside world again.  (Addressing the crowd) All right, let’s get this started and done as fast as humanly possible.  (Judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant, and court employees burst out laughing) Yeah, I needed that.

            (Two hours later)

           Judge: (To Jurors in the Jury Box) Now, the witnesses in this case are as follows: (Reads aloud five names) Do any of you know any of them?  (Juror 3 starts waving a hand) Yes?

           Juror 3: Well, actually, I mean, we work together – actually, I mean, we work in the same department – actually, I mean, we work in the same building – actually, I mean, I saw them once in the parking lot –

             Defense Lawyer: (Stands) Your Honor, I move that this juror be stricken from the courtroom!

             Judge: Granted.  (To Juror 3) You can get out of here now.

            Juror 3: Oh.  Oh, OK; thanks.  (Gathers items to leave and briefly turns to face the other jurors while smiling maliciously; in a low voice) SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!

                Jurors 1-2, 4-12: [Grinding teeth]

            (Back in the assembly room)

            Jury Pool Member 8: I don’t understand.

            Jury Pool Member 9: What, the whole jury selection process?

            Jury Pool Member 8: No, I mean I don’t understand why this couple would still sell the house when the interior decorator was able to get the renovations they’d wanted done?

           Jury Pool Member 9: What I don’t understand is why the same show has been on for the past six hours and not one person in this room, myself included, has had the gumption to change the channel.

            Court Employee: (Enters from the back office, still seated in the chair) All right, everyone – these guys here don’t need you anymore, so you can all go fly a kite.

            Jury Pool: Eh?

           Court Employee: Go home and never come back until we threaten you with jail time again three years from now.

            Jury Pool Member 10: (As everyone scrambles for the check-out line so they can leave) Wow, I’ve never gotten out of here after just one day; it’s a miracle!

          Jury Pool Member 11: Awww, they didn’t even call my name; I’ll never get a chance to determine justice and embody the ideals of democracy, never!

           Jury Pool Member 1: (Still at work and soaking feet; pulls off headphones when sees everyone else leaving) Done already?  But I'm not finished!

Story 290: Shredding Down Memory Lane

She hummed a merry nonsensical tune as she dropped the paper shredder straight onto the living room floor, followed soon after by a several-foot-high pile of receipts, bank statements, credit card statements, and tax records that stretched out across both the years and the hardwood.  Without breaking stride, she plugged in the shredder, switched it on, sat on a chair, and grabbed a bunch of stray pieces that had been around the top of the former pile.

“<La-la-la-la-la-la-la-> What the blazes is this?!”

She stared closer at a credit card statement dated March 3, 2014.

“Why would I pay over $3,000.00 to this rando?!  Was I scammed?  I was totally scammed!  More than five years ago!  And I’m just realizing it now!!!”

She grabbed her phone and selected her sister’s number.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Only everything horrible – do you know why I would have dropped three grand on somebody named – ” she squinted at the page – “XZKR JQSW back in 2014?!  Did somebody rip me off and I completely forgot?!  How am I going to recover that money now?!”

“Three grand in 2014, hm…. Oh, I think those initials are the cruise line from that trip we took with the parentals that year; this probably was one of the payments for it.”

She shook her head and laughed.  “No, that wasn’t 2014, that would make it half a decade ago, and we only just went on that trip… um… two years… no, three… no….”

“Yeah, it was five.”

“…Already?”

“Uh-huh.  And if that amount was such a red flag, you would’ve taken care of it back then.  What brought this up, anyway – you finally shredding all those papers you’ve been hoarding over the millennia?”

“I am spring cleaning.”

“Well, have fun, and try not re-read all your past bills.  Bye!”

“Ta-ta.”

She definitively shred that statement and moved on to the next.

“Aw, this was my first bill for college textbooks.  Wow, were they overinflated.”

“Let’s see, what could UZAG EGLM have been, and why would I have given them several hundred of my hard-earned dollars?... Oh right, that was the first and last time I went skydiving... 13 years ago?!  That can’t be right.”  She checked the other items listed in the statement.  “OK, I guess it’s right.”

“Why on Earth did I spend the same amount of money every month at that video rental store for 10 years straight?... Oh yeah, I joined their club so I could get discounts and borrow movies for nine whole days.  [Sniffs]  I miss that business model.”

“Oh man, I can’t believe I spent that much on skorts!  And I only wore them once!”

“Ooh, that was the year we went to --------- National Park on vacation.  That was a blast, feels like it just happened… 25 years ago.”

“Boy, those veterinary bills sure were high.  And we only got eight extra years out of the cat after all that.”

“How come my court bills are on these things seven times?!”

The shredder shuddered to a stop, flashing its overheating light as she was forcing receipts into its gullet.

“Great, this shredder cost a fortune and it suddenly decides to die after waiting – ” glances at a half-shredded receipt – “two years after I bought it!”