Story 270: Have Yourself a Merry Little Stomach Virus; Or, The Time-Activated Gift That Keeps on Giving

            (At a New Year’s Eve Party)

            Friend 1: (To Host) These parties are great and all, I’m just saying maybe once in a while we should have them on New Year’s Day, keep things interesting, know-what-I-mean?

            Host: …Yeah, no.  (Leaves to wash dishes)

           Friend 1: (Sips drink) It’s only 11:00 and no one gets me.  (Is handed a box) Oh, is this for me?  Thank you.  (Sets down drink and opens box; inside is a watch nestled in a pile of glittery tissue paper) What’s this?

            Virus: A timer.  To count down the hours until you feel the full effects of the stomach virus that you just caught, ha-HA!  Which is me, by the way; sorry I blew past the formal introduction there.

            Friend 1: (Stares at Virus, then at watch, then back at Virus) I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was that drunk yet – are you our Host’s new neighbor or something?

            Virus: (Pats the top of Friend 1’s head) Oh silly child, you’ll never even know what you did to let me in.  I’ve already gotten half the people in this place, and I’m now working on the other half – some of you guys are wily though, especially that one who keeps using hand sanitizer every 30 minutes.  Ironically, that only makes my brethren and me stronger in the long run.  (Looks up sharply) Dang it, someone else washed their hands after using the bathroom!  (Back to Friend 1) Oh well: the goal is always 100%, but we’ll settle for a 95% maximum, hm?  Cheers.  (Moves on)

           Friend 2: (Arrives carrying a tray of pizza rolls while munching on them and sees Friend 1 staring at the box) What’s that, a revenge gift from someone who forgot you last week?

            Friend 1: Close – apparently, I now have a stomach virus that will hit me in exactly… (Peers at watch) 47 hours, 17 minutes, and 35 – 34 – 33 –

            Friend 2: (Sets down tray and looks over at the watch) Oh, you got one of those; yeah, I saw a whole bunch of people have them tonight.  Bummer, dude.

            Friend 1: I see you don’t.

           Friend 2: `Cause I’m constantly washing my hands and I don’t hug or kiss anybody, ever.  And seeing as you’ve now been gifted, I’m not speaking to you for literally the rest of this year.  (Moves to pick up the tray)

            Friend 1: (Grabs Friend 2’s sleeve) Wait a minute –

            Friend 2: Don’t touch me, Afflicted!

            Friend 1: (Releases sleeve) All right, but please don’t leave me all alone, I’m scared!

            Friend 2: Of what?  It’s not even going to happen until later this week and it’ll just be a day of hurling your guts out, then it’s all over and life resumes like it never happened.

           Friend 1: Easy for you to say, you don’t have an appointment with the toilet in less than two days!

            Friend 2: I’ve already served my time; I shouldn’t have to again so soon.  Besides, what could I possibly do to help while you’re barfing, hold your hand?

            Friend 1: (Looks down and toes the floor) Maybe….

            Friend 2: Ew; look, when it happens, have some ginger or chamomile tea, call out from work if you can, and sleep the rest of it off, that’s really all you can do.  (Snatches the glass that Friend 1 is downing out of the latter’s hand) And stop drinking this stuff; it’s only going to aggravate it!

             Friend 1: (Sniffs) It’s absolute rot that I have to start off a brand New Year doomed.

          Friend 2: Yeah, well, I have to go into work early tomorrow morning, so we’ll be miserable together – happy?

            Virus: (Slinks by Friend 2) Hello there.  You wouldn’t happen to want to take a sip from your friend’s glass, would you?

            Friend 2: Buzz off, Bacteria!  (Tosses glass’s contents at Virus)

           Virus: (Sighs and moves on, muttering) I am a virus – honestly, we don’t even look anything alike.  And what am I going to do with all these extra boxes if my quota isn’t filled?!

            Friend 1: Guess I should get my affairs in order before the big day.

          Friend 2: Oh please.  Go have your pity party in the corner somewhere; I’m going with the other sheep to watch the ball drop.  (Picks up the tray and uses it to keep others away) Out of my way with your microscopic hitchhikers!

FORTY-SEVEN HOURS LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers phone) Hello?

            Friend 1: It’s almost time.

           Friend 2: For the love of – why are you still awake?!  Go to sleep and maybe by the morning it’ll have left.

          Friend 1: I’m afraid if I sleep I won’t wake up in time; I made an unobstructed path to the bathroom just in case.

            Friend 2: Well, goody for you.  Can I go back to bed now?

            Friend 1: All right, here we go: the watch says I have 5, 4, 3 –

            Friend 2: Arrrrrgggghhhh….

            Friend 1: – 2 – 1.  (The watch beeps loudly, ending with an ominous “HA, HA, HA.”) This is it.

            Friend 2: OK, all the best, bye!

            Friend 1: Wait!

            Friend 2: What?

            Friend 1: (Almost disappointed) Nothing happened.

            Friend 2: Well there you go: a literal false alarm, heh-heh.

            Friend 1: Although – mm – I feel weirdly hungry – but also oddly full –

            Friend 2: Yep, that’s it, don’t envy you right now, just ride it out, gotta go!

            Friend 1: Hold on, you can’t hang up on me now, what if I need you?

            Friend 2: For what?!

            Friend 1: Moral support.

            Friend 2: Just go to sleep!  Nothing more can be done for you!

            Friend 1: Ow, now you’re hurting my head.

           Friend 2: Good, `cause you’re hurting mine since I have to get up in five hours and it’ll take me at least one of those to fall asleep again!  Don’t even think about calling me until this is over!  (Disconnects)

           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone as stomach rumbles) I know – hang in there, buddy, hang in there.

TWO DAYS LATER

            (At a diner)

          Friend 2: (Watching Friend 1 devour a sandwich) You know, this may give you another stomach problem for an unrelated reason.

            Friend 1: (With mouth full) I don’t care: this is the first real meal I’ve had in over a day.  (Slurps water)

            Friend 2: So, did we learn anything from all of this?

            Friend 1: Yep: no matter what we do, the hand of Fate can always strike us down.

            Friend 2: What?  No, it was: try to keep yourself clean, and handle any illness you get with at least a modicum of self-respect, you big baby!

            Friend 1: Eh, different strokes.  (Starts destroying a brownie)

          Friend 2: And you should really work your way up to that.  (Is handed a box) What’s this?  (Friend 1 freezes mid-bite; Friend 2 opens the box and slowly pulls out a watch in horror)

            Virus: Got ya!

            Friend 2: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

          Virus: At last!  95%!  In your face, Common Cold!   (Continues making deliveries throughout the diner)

        Friend 1: (Resumes eating as Friend 2 stares at the watch that reads 47:20:13-12-11….) Guess the hand of Fate strikes again.  But don’t worry: it’ll all be over in a few days so just have some tea, sleep it off, and make sure you keep some self-respect.

            Friend 2: If I can ever prove that I got this from you, then I’m really not speaking to you for the rest of this year.

Story 269: Not Another Christmas Album

Radio Host: Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in peace.  Now, our special guest today is that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In” thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!  Thank you for being here today, Wei!

Music Star: Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label appreciates it.

Radio Host: Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked, the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!

Music Star: Yes, I – five years?

Radio Host: So, as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question is this: Your new album.

            Music Star: …Yes?

           Radio Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate, to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New Year.

          Music Star: You would be correct.  None of those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.

          Radio Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?

            Music Star: I already did on my Web site.

            Radio Host: Humor them.

          Music Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”

            Radio Host: So whose idea was the album?

           Music Star: Um, kind of both?  I mean, she’s all, “Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?” and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’ Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses, they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,” and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas album,” and I’m all –

            Radio Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?

            Music Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.

            Radio Host: And New Year’s?

           Music Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of “Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of the inanity of it all put me to sleep.  I mean, where do you go from there?  People soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.

            Radio Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of all the other holidays?

          Music Star: Exactly.  And it would be all original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and possibly future.

            Radio Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.

            Music Star: Yep!  Wrote and recorded it all in a week.

            Radio Host: That’s… unbelievable.

            Music Star: Why thank you.  I do it all for the fans.

           Radio Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,” “We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh.  Bit of a repeat there.

             Music Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.

          Radio Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4^th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….

            Music Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all!  [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is heard]

            Radio Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be.  Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.