Story 441: Can You Hear Me?!

 (Customer is at home, calling a company on a cell phone)

Automated Menu: Hello, thank you for calling -------------.  To confirm, is your address --- ------- -----?

Customer: Yes.

Automated Menu: …I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

Customer: Advanced to idioms now, eh?

Automated Menu: Please repeat.

Customer: Yes!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.

Customer: Ugh, let’s.

Automated Menu: Please say “Yes,” or press 1; please say – (Customer presses 1) …. Thank you.  One moment, please.  (Takes several moments)  To better serve you, please state the reason you are calling –

Customer: Representative!  Human representative!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.  Please say “Hours of operation,” or press 1 –

Customer: REPRESENTATIVE!!!

Automated Menu: …One moment please, while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you, Robot.

Automated Menu: You’re welcome.

Customer: Huh?

(Hold music plays for a minute)

Customer Service Representative: Hello, my name is --------, may I have your first and last name, please?

Customer: You didn’t give me your last name.

Customer Service Representative: That’s for our protection, and we ask yours to prevent confusion and fraud.

Customer: Oh, OK; it’s ------ --------.

Customer Service Representative: Thank you – and how may I assist you today?

Customer: Yes, I have a – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] on my – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE] bill, and – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] –

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the phone keeps cutting out, could you repeat that, please?

Customer: Ohhh-kaaaay…. (Moves outdoors to a patio) How’s this?

Customer Service Representative: Better, thank you.

Customer: OK, so – [BZZZZ-BZZZZ-BZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the interference actually seems to have gotten worse – can you try calling back on a landline, please?

Customer: No one has landlines anymore!  Besides – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZ] it’s your phone!

Customer Service Representative: My phone is a landline and it’s been fielding calls all day with no issues.

Customer: Ughhhhhh – [BZZZZ] Hold on – [CRACKLE] (Climbs a nearby tree to the highest bough) There – how’s that?

Customer Service Representative: Much better – for now.

Customer: Sooooo, I’m calling today because my monthly bill came in and it’s [CRACKLE-BZZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly sighs) I’m sorry, the phone is cutting out again; please call back when you have a better signal.  (Moves to disconnect the call)

Customer: NO!  I – [BZZZZ] all day before I could call – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE-CRACKLE] don’t it’ll be too late – [BZZZZ-BZZZ] don’t pay us overtime!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, but I do have to end this call now if only to preserve my hearing.

Customer: (Spots something in the sky) Wait!  Just give me two minutes!  (Sticks the phone in a pants pocket, climbs to the tip-top of the tree, reaches up, and grabs a rope hanging down from a passing hot air balloon)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the tilting basket) Hey!  No passengers!

Customer: I just need to finish this call with Customer Service!

Balloonist:  (Nods) Carry on.  (Returns to steering the balloon)

Customer: (Holding onto the rope with one hand, takes out the phone with the other, and yells over the prevailing wind) Can you hear me better now?!

Customer Service Representative: Yes, but there’s also a lot of background noise.

Customer: Ignore it!  Now, about my bill – (A bird flies in Customer’s face) Ahhhh!!!!

Customer Service Representative: Are you all right?!

Customer: (Spitting out feathers) Yes, thank you!  No bird will take this phone away from me!

Customer Service Representative: What?!

Customer: So!  My bill – [BZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs louder) It’s happening again.

Customer: Huh?  (Looks up and sees dark clouds full of flashing lightning are passing overhead)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the basket again) I have to take it down now, sorry!

Customer: No, wait, I can’t go any lower, I’ll lose the call – (Spots a nearby jet plane taking off and points at it) Yes!  Take us closer!

Balloonist: Ah, no.

Customer: Fine!  (Sticks the phone between teeth, grabs the rope with both hands, swings widely, lets go, and flies through the air to land on top of the jet)

Balloonist: (Shakes head while landing the balloon) Nutjob.

Customer: (Holding onto the accelerating and ascending jet, maneuvers the phone to hold it against the plane with both hands, and puts it on speaker) CAN – YOU – HEAR – MEEEEEE????!!!!!

Customer Service Representative: (Lowers headset volume and places it on the desk) Yes, shockingly enough.

Customer: GREAT!  I – HAVE – A – QUESTION – ABOUT – MY – BILL –

Customer Service Representative: Yes, we’ve established that.

Customer: IT – WENT – UP – THIS – MONTH – BUT – I – STILL – SHOULD – HAVE – A – DISCOUNT – UNTIL – THE – END – OF – THE – YEAR!

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing rapidly) Right, let’s see what’s going on with the account then…. Ah, it looks like there’s a new promotion instead that’ll carry over into next year, so with your permission I’ll add that to your account now and refund you the difference for this month’s bill, OK?

Customer: [BZZZZZ-CRACKLE]

Customer Service Representative: Hello?

Customer: [BZZZ] – ELLO?!

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly) I think it’s happening again.  Just as we were making progress.

Customer: (Squints up against the slipstream and sees Aurora Borealis flaring overhead) SHOOT!  I – NEED – TO – GET – HIGHER!!!

Customer Service Representative: “Higher?”  Where on Earth are you right now?!

Customer: NOT – ON – IT!

Customer Service Representative: Eh?

Customer: HOLD – ON – PLEASE! 

Customer Service Representative: Heh, that’s my line.

Customer: (Puts the phone back between teeth, slowly stands on the now-level jet, swings arms, and leaps in a wide arc to land on the side of a space shuttle lifting off.  After slipping inside the payload bay doors to put on a spacesuit before leaving Earth’s atmosphere, the phone now floats inside the helmet) Can you hear me all right now?

Customer Service Representative: (Puts on the headset again) Crystal clear, although… is that forced oxygen I’m hearing in the background?

Customer: Never mind that – about my bill?

Customer Service Representative: Ah yes – (Begins typing again) As I was saying, with your permission I’ll add a new promotion for the next 12 months and refund you the difference on your next bill, so your new monthly total will be $--.--.  Do I have your permission to proceed with this?

Customer: You do indeed.

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes typing with a flourish) And… done!  You’re all set!

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you so much!  I really appreciate it.

Customer Service Representative: My pleasure!  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: Yes, as a matter of fact… (Now seated on an astronaut maneuvering unit, opens the payload bay doors again and launches self toward Earth) Would you be able to lock onto my cell phone signal at 7,000 miles above sea level and navigate me back to my home address, please?

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing again) Surprisingly, yes.

Story 329: I Would Like to Cancel My Subscription to Humanity

            Automated Phone Line: Hello, and thank you for calling Humanity, central office.  To properly direct your call, please select from the following options: for – Guidance With Existential Issues – press 1; for – Venting About Injustice – press 2; for – Suggestions on Adapting to Overpopulation – press 3; for – Feedback From the Flora and the Fauna – press 4; for – Your Place in the Universe – press 5; for – Subscription Management – press 6; for – (“6” is pressed) OK, you selected – Subscription Management – is that correct?  Press 1 for “Yes,” or press 2 for – (“1” is pressed) One moment please – (♪♪♪) For – Assistance With Starting a New Life of Service to Others – press 1; for – A List of Reasons Not to Burn It All Down – press 2; for – Subscription Renewal – press 3; for – Subscription Cancellation – press 4; for – (“4” is pressed) One moment please.  (Ringing tone for almost 10 seconds)

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: He-hello?  This is Subscription Cancellation – do you actually need my assistance?

            Human: Hello, yes, I would like to cancel my subscription to Humanity, please.  However, if I need to wait four to six weeks for that to be processed, I completely understand.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, it’s just that – no one ever selects this extension, so I just want to make sure you… picked the right one?

            Human: Of course.  Humanity is of no further use to me and I wish to cancel my subscription to it, if you please.  To put it bluntly, I’m done with the whole thing and I want out of the species.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Sounds of rifling through papers) you see, the thing is, no one’s dialed this extension since I started here, so I’ve never actually done one of these before.  I mostly field the Burn-It-All-Down calls, which can get pretty intense.

            Human: I can imagine.  I almost selected that one myself just now, but I always like to hear what my options are on these things and this one seemed much more applicable to my situation.

             Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh.  OK.

            Human: You see, I don’t really want us all to go out in a fiery inferno – I supposed there’s a modicum of hope left for some of us, and that scenario’d be completely unfair to the innocents and all the other non-human lifeforms on Earth who’d get swept up in it through no fault of their own.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Yeah, that’s usually the angle I take.

            Human: So I thought, this is my decision, I should be the only one affected by it, right?

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh yeah, right.

            Human: So, there it is.  No more Humanity for me, I thank you.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, right, let’s see… (More rifling through papers) OK, got it!  You have the option of cancelling your subscription to Humanity but still remain human – just no further interaction with other members of your species, ever again.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that.

        Humanity Customer Service Representative: That package also includes instantaneous relocation to a remote part of the planet where your impact on your surroundings would be minimal to nil: you would have no electricity and no direct access to food, water, or shelter other than what you can get for yourself, but considering that you probably would be sent to Antarctica, that part is next-to-impossible for your species without outside assistance from your fellows.

            Human: Oh.  Um….

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh!  I just found a report from the last human who cancelled their subscription, about 375 years ago…. Uh-yep, they died from exposure in about a week, but they were a bit hardier back in those days, know-what-I-mean?

           Human: Hm.  I kind of was hoping I could just stay home all day and no one would bother me.

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: (More rifling through papers) Let’s see, there’s also the option to transfer outside of your species and continue as a different entity.

            Human: Isn’t that reincarnation?

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Nah, that’s after you died this go-around, and actually falls under “Subscription Renewal.”  This transfer would happen now, during your current life.  Just – boom, different creature, carry on.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that one.  Yes, I’ll take that option, please.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, then!  (Sounds of lifting a heavy object and dropping it onto a desk) Right – (Sounds of flipping through pages in a very large book) I can start at the beginning and keep reading names of animals, plants, bacteria, etc. until you tell me to stop, or if you have an idea of what you would like to become I can go to that category and –

            Human: Icarus.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Eh?

          Human: Blue supergiant star in the MACS J1149+2223 galaxy.  Farthest observed star from this planet, so likelihood of my kind getting their dirty hands on it anytime soon are slim.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, you seem to have given this a lot of thought, but what’s observed is over nine billion years old so that star is probably a black hole by now.

          Human: Oh yes, of course, what a fundamental error.  Very well, then – Proxima Centauri should do instead: a little too close to Earth for comfort, but can’t be too choosy.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Back to rifling through papers) You actually can’t be transferred into something that already exists.

           Human: Why not?  Matter and energy never are created or destroyed anyway, they just get shuffled around a bit.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: But this is something that currently exists in that specific form, so your essence can’t be added on top of it.

            Human: I concede the point.  Could you make me into a brand new star then?

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Umm, I don’t know if that’s ever been done before….

            Human: First time for everything.  I’m sure there must be some nebula out there, on the verge of emerging into starhood as we speak.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: It actually takes about 10 million years to –

         Human: Just make me a star, or an asteroid, or dark matter for all I care!  Get me out of Humanity and off this planet forever, please!

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, OK – (Sounds of typing) There’s one out there ready to go, and it’s so many billions of light years away from Earth that the Hubble Space Telescope won’t even see it for ages – I can cancel your subscription and send you there right now, or set an appointment for a few days or weeks from now so you can get your affairs on Earth in order first?

           Human: My affairs mean nothing to no one, least of all me.  Do it now, please.  And thank you – you’ve been most helpful.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: (Typing) Anytime!  And… done!... Hello?  Oh right, they’re a star now.  (Disconnects the call) Too bad I can’t send them the survey – that was some of my best work.

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.