(Outside
Vatican City)
Tour
Guide: All right, everyone stay together and try not to lose me in the daily
crowd of millions. You all have your
radios?
Tourists:
Check!
Tourist
1: No.
Tour
Guide: Where is the one my assistant gave you?
Tourist
1: I don’t know.
Tour
Guide: …OK, go grab another one and hold on tight: none of you will be able to
hear a word I’m saying without it.
Tourists:
Check!
Tour
Guide: Right. Now keep an eye out for my
banner. (Raises aloft a golf club with a
full-size Italian flag attached to it).
Memorize this – you don’t want to start following another group and wind
up in St. Peter’s Basilica’s crypt, now do you?
Tourist
2: [Gasps] The crypt was an option?!
Tour
Guide: Not in this package – and away we go!
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the mile-high walls
and goes through security to enter the foreign country of Vatican City)
Tourist
3: Oh no, you didn’t tell us we needed to bring our passports!
Tour
Guide: You don’t need them to get in.
Tourist
3: But we’re technically entering an independent nation!
Tour
Guide: Just keep moving – you’re holding up the line.
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds to enter the Vatican
Museums)
Tour
Guide: And in this section of artwork dating back centuries, here are some
pagan statues of heathens.
Tourist
4: Such heresy in the Holy See! And all
that unseemly marble flesh!
Tour
Guide: I know, isn’t it awesome?
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the rest of the
Museums)
Tour
Guide: Wait a minute – did we lose somebody back there?
Tourist
5: (Two rooms back) Wait for meeee….
Tour Guide: Everybody
else stay here – I have never lost a paying customer in the 23 years I’ve done
this tour, and I’ll be blazed if I break my record now. (Swims upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the
rest of the group) Pick a buddy and stay
with them.
Tourist
5: But I came by myself.
Tour
Guide: Until the tour ends, we’re all family now!
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds outside the Sistine
Chapel)
Tour
Guide: So, only two rules: no photos, and for the love of all that is literally
holy, shut the… heaven up in there.
Tourist
6: But what if – ?
Tour
Guide: No photos and no talking! Why can
no one ever just say “OK” and do it?!
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in the Sistine Chapel)
Overhead
Speaker: (In every language) SHUT THE ---- UP!
Tourists:
I’m hungry – I’m tired – I got a good picture of the ceiling – My feet hurt – Where’s
the Pope? – Where’s our guide? – What are they yelling about? – I can’t hear
you –
Tour
Guide: (In head) Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Except they probably do and just don’t care,
but I’m being generous.
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Basilica)
Tour
Guide: Admire the artwork, admire the holiness, admire the wedding that’s going
on in that side chapel over there –
Tourist
7: Whoa, how much did that cost?
Tour
Guide: I’m afraid to even think about it.
(Looks around) For crying out loud, did we lose somebody again?!
Tourist
5: (Trapped by at the high altar) Wait for meeee….
Tour
Guide: Nobody move! I am not
tripping at the finish line here! (Swims
upstream to drag Tourist 5 back to the rest of the group) You’re lucky I’m
never seeing you ever again after this.
(The
group huddles together through the innumerable crowds in St. Peter’s Square)
Tour
Guide: (Facing the group) All right, take in the view. (They admire the view) OK, tour’s over, you can disperse now.
Tourist
8: (Handing over a tip) You’re the best tour guide we’ve ever had, and we’ve
been to every country on this continent!
Tour
Guide: Thank you; it’s good you did the morning one and not my 3:00 – that’s
when this place really gets crowded.
