“Oh hi honey, what’s up?”
“Well, I’m calling in a panic right now, an absolute panic!”
“Dear me, why’s that?”
“Because Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and I have absolutely no idea what to give you this year!”
“Aw honey, you know you don’t have to give me anything – ”
“Don’t tell me that Mother’s Lie!”
“ – And it really doesn’t matter anyway since Mother’s Day was last Sunday.”
“…What?”
“Mother’s Day already passed, so save this for my birthday instead.”
“No, no, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, it’s the third Sunday of the month!”
“That’s Father’s Day, dear.”
“Since when?!”
“Since whenever both holidays were established here, I think.”
“OK, well, why didn’t you say anything when I didn’t come over on Sunday and didn’t even call you! All day!”
“Well, one doesn’t like to mention such things; I figured you’d just forgot, and in a way, you did. But it was an honest mistake – nothing to fret about.”
“This is an even bigger disaster than I thought! You spent all day at home, alone, staring out the window and thinking I’m the worst child a mother ever had, I could just burst from the shame!”
“Actually, your father and I had a wonderful time whitewater rafting that day, and I’m sorry to say I didn’t even think about you until the following morning.”
“See! I’m such an awful child that you didn’t even remember you had one on that day of all days!”
“Honey, it’s really not that big a deal; I understand you got a little mixed up on the dates and we’ll just celebrate on another day. Not this Sunday, though – I’ll be doing one of those cure walks with my book club and it’ll be extremely early in the morning, so that’ll wipe me out for the rest of the day.”
“Fine-fine, but back to the original subject: what do you want?!”
“<Sigh> Brunch would be lovely.”
“No cooperation at all!” <CLICK>
“Certainly doesn’t get all that drama from my side of the family, I’ll tell you.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“Happy Mother’s Day! Two weeks later!”
“Hi, honey! What’s all this out on the front lawn?”
“Well, since you refused to tell me what to get you, I had to make an executive decision and order a traveling circus.”
“You did what?”
“Oh yeah, this company does stuff like this all the time – you don’t still have the sprinkler system installed in the lawn, do you?”
“What? No, that’s all gone, but – ”
“Great – OK FELLAS, NO SPRINKLER HEADS TO WORRY ABOUT SO JUST AVOID THE WATER AND GAS LINES, ALL RIGHT?”
“Honey, what is going on?!”
“Don’t worry, they just need to know where to set up the big top.”
“On the front lawn?!”
“You know, you’re right – backyard has so much more space. OK FELLAS, MOVE IT ALL TO THE BACK INSTEAD!”
“Wait-wait-wait – this is all too much; I didn’t want you spending what is clearly a fortune on a performance troupe!”
“Oh, that’s not an issue: the ringmaster owes me a favor. YOU CAN USE THE HOSE ATTACHED TO THE HOUSE TO FILL UP THE DIVING POOL, AND TELL THE TRAPEZE ARTISTS TO GO AS HIGH UP AS THEY WANT! Just send me your next month’s water bill – they shouldn’t need your electricity, but let me know if they wind up tapping into it later.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about – oh, all these people, all over the place – wait, no, don’t tell me there’re going to be lions or elephants or horses coming through here too, are there?!”
“Hm? Oh, no, this is a humans-only circus; don’t need that extra headache.”
“OK. Do they need me to feed them, then?”
“On your special day?! No-no-no – the catering trailer should be around any minute now. You don’t mind if they park and set up on the grass, do you? I don’t think there’s enough room on the street.”
“You really went through too much trouble, you know.”
“On the contrary: not nearly enough to make up for my horrific oversight and failure as an offspring!”
“Yes, well, I’d actually forgotten all about that until just now. Let me go get your father and let him know the circus is in our backyard.”
“No need: I see he’s out there now, telling them where to set up the big top.”
“Of course he is. Well, thank you for the entertaining show – and I’m sure the circus performances will be fun, too.”
“Certainly! Nothing is too good for MY MOTHER on MOTHER’S DAY!”
“I do have one request.”
“Anything!”
“Next year, stick to brunch.”