Story 297: Breaking Into Your Own House

           (Friend 1 and Friend 2, laden down with beach trip supplies, stumble out the side door of Friend 2’s house)

            Friend 1: – and I just know the traffic’s gonna be backed up for at least two miles down the highway as we get closer to the beach – although they did replace that dinky drawbridge with an actual super-high bridge, so that should help – I hate drawbridges, especially when you see it’s just somebody’s pleasure dinghy passing through, such a boat-people-inconvenience inflicted on the rest of us driving stiffs –

            Friend 2: (Pulls the door shut and starts searching pockets) Uh-huh – you got the sunscreen?

            Friend 1: Huh?  Oh yeah.  (Scrambles through a huge bag and pulls out a bottle) SPF 100!

            Friend 2: (Pauses momentarily) Is that even real?

            Friend 1: No idea, but I am not taking any chances: our star shows no mercy on her children.

            Friend 2: (Distractedly patting shirt and shorts all over) Yeah, yeah – say, you got the keys?

            Friend 1: Why would I have the keys; it’s your house.

            Friend 2: (Leans over to search the huge bag, tossing items onto the ground) Did you throw them in here?

            Friend 1: (Yanking back the bag) Hey-hey, again I say, why would I have the keys, it’s your house!  Maybe you left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 2: Why would I – (Freezes as a mental picture of the keys appears) I left them on the kitchen table.

            Friend 1: Yay, mystery solved!  Let’s go.  (Picks items off the ground and stuffs them back into the bag)

            Friend 2: We can’t go now, we’re locked out of the house!

            Friend 1: So?  We’re not going to the house, we’re going to the beach.

            Friend 2: And how’re we going to back into the house later?

            Friend 1: Well I don’t need to get back into the house, `cause I’m going home later.

            Friend 2: Excuse me?!

            Friend 1: For what?

            Friend 2: Your inane babble is what distracted me from taking the keys in the first place, and you’re just gonna leave me here, locked out, and go home?!!

            Friend 1: …Heh-heh-heh, of course not, what kind of person would do that?

            Friend 2: You!

            Friend 1: Well you’ve got me there.  Listen –

            Friend 2: (Starts pulling own hair in frustration) Argh!

            Friend 1: Don’t you have a spare key lying under a fake lawn gnome or something?

            Friend 2: No, that’s the first place a thief would look!  The spare’s at my parents’ house, and they’re in Iceland right now!

            Friend 1: So where’s their spare?

            Friend 2: In my house!

            Friend 1: Figures.  All right, there’s only one thing for it.  (Dramatically drops the bag onto the ground) We’re going to have to burglarize your own house.

            Friend 2: WHAT?!

           Friend 1: Well, I guess it’s technically breaking and entering, but you get the idea.  (Looks around the driveway and picks up a large rock) Which window’s the cheapest to replace?

           Friend 2: (Grabs the rock and throws it onto the lawn) No!  You are not breaking my windows!

            Friend 1: It’s just “window,” singular.

            Friend 2: No, no, no!  There has to be another, non-destructive way – don’t you know how to pick locks?

            Friend 1: Why would you even think I’d know how to do that?

            Friend 2: You’ve always been a bit shady.

          Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 for a few moments) That’s fair.  And no, I don’t know how to manipulate tumblers, buuuuuut…. (Leans back to peer up at the roof) That chimney looks promising.

          Friend 2: (Also peers up at the roof) I don’t know; seems a bit dangerous.  And the neighbors’ll probably call the cops on me breaking into my own house.

           Friend 1: I doubt it – they’re all either at work, at the beach like we should be, watching TV, watching the Internet, or rather not get involved.

            Friend 2: I know I’d rather not.

            (They retrieve a ladder from the shed and prop it against the back of the house)    

            Friend 1: Right – it should be me going up in there.

            Friend 2: Yes it should, because this is all your fault.

            Friend 1: It is not all my fault – (Friend 2 glares) agree to disagree.  No, it’s better that I be the one to do this because I’m younger –

            Friend 2: By a day!

          Friend 1: – and if I make it, I get to brag about it so much.  (Scrambles up the ladder, then steadily climbs up the incline of the roof toward the chimney) Yeah, sandals definitely are not the best footwear for this kind of activity.

            Friend 2: (Straining to look up) Ooh, be careful!

            Friend 1: Ha!  “Careful” is not called for in this instance!

            Friend 2: (Mumbling to self) Yes it is; what are you talking about?

           Friend 1: (Arrives at the chimney) Aha!  Success!  (Peers down it) Oh.  (Suddenly slides down the roof and scrambles back down the ladder) Abort the mission!  Abort the mission!

            Friend 2: Why!  What happened?

         Friend 1: (Hops onto the ground) There was the biggest bird’s nest ensconced right in the middle of that thing, and the cutest little birds were looking at me like I was their momma, and I am not touching that with a 10-foot pole!

            Friend 2: Oh.  I guess not.

            Friend 1: You’re going to have some mess to clean up when you use that thing later this year, let me tell you.

            Friend 2: Huh?

           Friend 1: The nest.  You’ll have clean all that stuff out of there before you can use the fireplace again, `cause those birds sure aren’t taking that with them.

           Friend 2: Oh!  No, I actually haven’t used that thing in years.  Too much trouble, so I just keep the flue closed all the time.

           Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) You were going to let me climb all the way down a chimney with a closed flue?!!

            Friend 2: …Maybe we should explore the rock option again.  (Goes to grab a rock)

          Friend 1: (Grabs Friend 2’s arm) Hold up – are there any windows that you leave partially open for cross-ventilation or what-not?

           Friend 2: No… but, there is the bathroom window with the busted lock that you should be able to push in from the outside!

            (They rush to that part of the house and stare at the window)

            Friend 1: That window is a foot high.

            Friend 2: Nah – maybe a foot and a half, you’ll be fine.

          Friend 1: Fine, whatever, my beach time is slipping further and further away the longer we debate this.  (Takes a running leap, grabs onto the window ledge, and smacks open the window)

            Friend 2: (Runs to grab Friend 1’s feet) We still have the ladder you can use –

           Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?!  (Slowly wriggles through the window opening) I think I’m stuck.

            Friend 2: Just suck it in!

           Friend 1: There’s nothing left!  (Exhales fully and is able to slide in farther) There we go…. Uh-oh.

            Friend 2: (Sweating and pushing Friend 1’s feet up higher) Now what?

            Friend 1: Well, I’m in the shower, and I’m facing the floor head-first.

            Friend 2: So, I don’t know, just… Spider-Man your way down the wall or something!

            Friend 1: OK…. (Slowly palms down the wall until the shower faucet is in reach, then grabs and braces feet on the wall to pivot down onto the stall floor) Ha?  I did it?  I did it and I didn’t kill or paralyze myself, hooray!

            Friend 2: (Eyes peering through the window) Yay!  Now open the door.

            Friend 1: Right.  (Rips aside the shower curtain to run out of the bathroom and nearly crashes into a child who is standing in the doorway) Oop!  Hello.

            Child: Hi.

            Friend 1: …Well, I have the owner’s permission to break in, so what’s your excuse?

           Child: My mommy saw you on the roof and told me to bring the spare key over to let you guys in.

            Friend 1: Oh.  And your mommy is a close neighbor, then?

          Child: Yeah, we’re right next door and she said you were going to break your neck in about five minutes and that no one on this block ever remembers they’d all given her a spare key because she’s the only one home all day and what’s the point of giving her a spare key if no one remembers they’ve given it to her –

            Friend 2: (Rushes in from the hallway) Oh!  How’d you get in here?

            Child: My mommy has a spare key.  (Holds up the key to Friend 2) Would you like it back?

           Friend 2: No, honey, you can take it back home – please thank your mother and tell her I’ll talk to her later.  And take a cookie from the jar in the kitchen on your way out.

            Child: Yippee!  (Skips out)

            Friend 1: (With a blank face) So that child’s mommy also has a spare key.

            Friend 2: I honestly didn’t remember having a second spare until just this moment.

           Friend 1: We will speak no more on this.  (They make their way out the side door; Friend 2 grabs the keys from the kitchen table and they tumble out the door.  As Friend 2 locks up) Sooo, where were we an hour ago?

            Friend 2: Leaving.  (They throw all their stuff into Friend 2’s car and take off for the beach)

           Friend 1: (Settles in the passenger seat) You know, now that that’s all over, that was kind of fun.

            Friend 2: Please.

            Friend 1: I think I’ll have bruises all over my body, but right now I feel quite content.

           Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Slams on the brakes as they reach the two-mile backed-up traffic for the beach, then slumps) And we could have missed all this if we had left on time.

            Friend 1: (Dozing off) Mm-hm – still say we should have used the rock first.

Story 296: I Had to Take a Defensive Driving Course

            (Driver is sitting at a kitchen table, sorting and tossing aside 90% of the mail, then sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Driver: Ugh – it’s that time of the year again.  (Opens the envelope and flips through several pages, eyes growing ever wider with each page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) WHAAAAAAAT????!!!!  (Grabs the phone, dials a number with shaking fingers, and waits for the A.I. to answer) Question on policy…. NO!...  Question on bill…. NO!!!  Premium!  (Slowly shreds pages as the hold music plays)

            Representative: (Voice) Thank you for calling ------- Insurance, this is -------, first may I have all your personal information so I can confirm your identity and possibly steal it later?

            Driver: Fine, everyone else has it by now.  (Answers questions)

            Representative: Right, so now we know you’re you, how may I assist you today?

            Driver: OK, so I know none of this is your fault –

            Representative: Damn straight.

           Driver: – but I just got my annual auto insurance premium in the mail today and the amount has pole vaulted about 100% from last year, even though I’ve miraculously never had any accidents ever, and the car isn’t getting any younger, so, what?

          Representative: Let me see what happened between last year and this…. Ah!  Got it: surcharges and accident payments went up for your state this year.

            Driver: Soooo, you’re saying I have to pay more because everyone else here can’t drive?!

            Representative: Pretty much.  Your state sucks.

            Driver: This is so unfair!

           Representative: You’re not kidding – I wish I could call in a superhero to fight this for you, but they don’t exist so to keep you from jumping ship to another company in the meantime, I can check to see if we can apply any other discounts that aren’t already there… Ooh, did you ever serve in the military?

           Driver: To my shame, no.  And I think I’m too borderline middle-aged now for them to take me.

            Representative: OK; have you taken a defensive driving course lately?

            Driver: Ohhh, no?  No one’s ever told me to.  That’s something that would help?

            Representative: Oh definitely: it shows you take safe driving seriously.

            Driver: I certainly take saving money seriously.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

           (In an office building, Driver enters a semi-full classroom where all the desks have computers)

            Instructor: Hello, you’re here for “Defensive Driving and You”?

            Driver: Yepperz – are we heading out soon or should I park myself here first, heh-heh?

         Instructor: (Chuckles) Oh no, none of you will actually be driving for this – the course is completely electronic.

         Driver: Wait, what?  Why?  There’re all those cones outside, why aren’t we going to be crashing into them?!

          Instructor: Our insurance doesn’t cover road tests.  Think of this as equivalent to a restaurant that’s BYOB: if you want to practice anything you’ve learned here, feel free to do so on your own time and on your own deductible.

            Driver: So I could’ve done this whole course from home then?!

           Instructor: I suppose if you had the Internet access, which not everyone does.  Now, please take a seat: you’re disturbing the rest of the class.

            Driver: (Turns to see everyone else in the room glaring) Oh.  As you were.  (Heads for a spot in the very last row and slumps down in the seat)

            Instructor: All right everyone, please log in with the username and password provided to you earlier.  (Everyone does so) Have the headphones we gave you ready for the audio portions of the program and take as much time as you need for each module, but please note you will be automatically logged out after the course ends in six hours –

            Driver: WHAT?!

           Instructor: – so you must complete the final test by then, or come back another day and pay another fee for the privilege of doing this all over again.  Ready?

            Driver: No.

            Instructor: And begin!  (Reclines on a sofa and brings out a mass market paperback to read)

          Driver: (Puts on headphones, selects the first module of the course, and begins clicking through the slides) [Thinks while watching a video] Wow, the people they picked to drive for this thing are terrible.… Wonder if they did it for the cash?

SIX HOURS LATER

            Instructor: (Jolts awake by a watch beeping) OK, time’s up!  (Sees the whole room is empty except for Driver) Oh good, guess most of them finished early.  (To Driver) You almost done?  The course is going to time you out in about 10 seconds.

          Driver: (Swearing, shaking, and wincing while clicking on answers) Almost… there… (Selects “Submit” on the final test, then buries face in arms on the desk)

            Instructor: (Walks to the back of the room to see Driver’s screen) It’s safe to look.

            Driver: (Looks up sharply at the screen and raises arms in victory) 80%!  I won, I won, I won!

            Instructor: Well, you certainly passed – hit that button and it’ll print out the certificate for you up at the front of the room, and you’ll also get it by e-mail –

            Driver: (Runs to the front of the room and grabs the certificate as it exits the printer) That-was-great-thanks-a-bunch-I-never-want-to-see-you-again-byeeee!!!  (Continues out the door)

          Instructor: (Looks around the empty classroom) And there goes another of my Saturdays.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

          Driver: (On the phone while sorting the mail) But I don’t really wanna go to their party – would they even notice if I was missing?

            Mom: (Voice) Probably not, but then who would I talk to while I’m stuck there?

            Driver: OK, I’ll go for you then – oh.  (Sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Mom: What?

            Driver: I think this is my updated car insurance from when I took that course last week.

            Mom: Oh good, it’s always nice when people actually process the paperwork you send them.

            Driver: (Tears apart the envelope and flips through the pages) Yes-yes-yessss!!!  The bill went down, hurrah!

            Mom: Oh honey, I’m so happy for you!  How much lower is it, if you don’t mind me asking?

           Driver: Uh, let’s see…. (Grabs the older taped-up premium that was lying on the kitchen table off to the side, looks back and forth between that and the new premium, and emits a strangled cry)

            Mom: What is it?

            Driver: It went down as much as I paid for the course!!