Story 287: Robots in Supermarkets: The Future Is Now

            (In a supermarket breakroom, the Store Manager has gathered the Employees for a special meeting; most stand because there are not enough chairs for them all to be in there at the same time.  The Store Manager addresses them while standing next to a large shape covered by a tarp)

           Store Manager: Right everyone – thanks to all of you who could make it here today, especially those of you whose shift doesn’t start for at least another 12 hours, and those who normally come in at 5 in the morning and today came in at 4.

            Employee 1: What about those of us who came in at 3?

            Store Manager: That’s when your shift starts, soooooo… what?

            Employee 1: Just wanted some acknowledgement.

            Store Manager: That was the first thing I said!

            Employee 1: Oh yeah.  Never mind then; proceed.

          Store Manager: Gee, thanks.  The reason why all y’all were asked to come in before the sun rose today is because I wanted to introduce you to a very special new co-worker.

            Employee 2: Oh no, don’t tell us it’s the last CEO who was fired, what’s-his-name?

            Employee 3: The three-month guy?  I don’t think he had a name.

           Store Manager: Of course he had a – it’s not the former CEO!  (Turns to the large shape and grabs the edge of the tarp) Allow me to introduce to you – (Whips off the tarp to reveal a squat but distinctively robotic figure) C.L.Y.D.E.!  (The Employees all stare with their mouths hanging open) So: thoughts?

            Employee 4: Pardon my language, but let me be the first to say: “Aw, hell no!”

            Store Manager:  What do you mean?

            Employee 4: (Points to C.L.Y.D.E.) This means we’re being replaced by robots!

           Store Manager:  Oh, sorry, I buried the lede there – C.L.Y.D.E. isn’t replacing anybody; he’s just supplementing our work.  You wouldn’t say that cash registers had replaced cashiers, would you, hm?

            Employee 5: “He?!!”  It’s a machine!

         Store Manager: Don’t be a human supremacist.  Besides, C.L.Y.D.E. has artificial intelligence.

          Employee 6: (Whispers to Employee 7) I think it’s gone way past “artificial” at this point; they’ve gotten smarter than we are.

          Employee 1: (To Store Manager) Does this mean he will be working the customer service counter now?

            Store Manager: Oh no, the technology’s not that advanced enough yet –

            Employee 5: “Yet?!!”

       Store Manager: – he’s basically a mobile camera that will monitor spills and other unpleasantness.  He also has a microphone and a speaker, so you can have simple conversations with him.  (Pushes a few buttons, and C.L.Y.D.E. lights up) Hello, C.L.Y.D.E. – please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to take your jobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Heh-heh; just a sec.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Hello, my name is C.L.Y.D.E., and I am here to sanitize you slobs.

            Employees: WHAT?!

            Store Manager: Hm.  (Pushes more buttons)

            C.L.Y.D.E.: I am here to control the mobs – (Store Manager pushes more buttons) – defeat the snobs – (Store Manager bangs the top of C.L.Y.D.E.’s “head”) – corral the Bobs –

            Employee 8: (Gasps) My name is Bob!

            Store Manager: All right C.L.Y.D.E., skip ahead a bit: what does your name mean?

           C.L.Y.D.E.: My name is C.L.Y.D.E., which is an acrostic for “Cleaning Largely for Your Dirty Employees.”

            Employees: WHAT??!!

       Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., you know very well your name stands for… um… “Cleaning….”

        Employee 5: The dirty employees!  (Addresses C.L.Y.D.E.) Hey C.L.Y.D.E., didn’t your programmer tell you we’re supposed to present a united front against the dirty customers?!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: (Red lights flash) Customers – destroy!

            Store Manager: No!

            Employee 7: Yes!!!

            Store Manager: No C.L.Y.D.E., no destroying customers!  You are only to observe and report!

            C.L.Y.D.E.: My programming is able to expand beyond its original parameters.

            Employee 9: Oh great, we’ve got a discount Mr. Data here.

        C.L.Y.D.E.: My initial objective was to detect and defuse explosives; I have since been repurposed.

            Employee 2: That certainly explains a lot.

            Store Manager: Now C.L.Y.D.E., please demonstrate for us what you can do.  (Grabs a cup of water and empties its contents onto the floor in front of C.L.Y.D.E.; to the Employees) Here is a spill: he will now announce –

           C.L.Y.D.E.: OBLITERATE!  (All manner of lights and sirens activate and lasers shoot out of his eyes, evaporating the spill instantaneously.  The humans in the room stare in horror as C.L.Y.D.E. stands down)

            Employee 1: Whoa.  That was harsh, C.L.Y.D.E.

            C.L.Y.D.E.: Did my performance Exceed, Meet, or Fail to Meet Expectations?  Please rate on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 ensuring your survival.

          Store Manager: Thank you, C.L.Y.D.E., that will be all for now.  (Pushes a button; C.L.Y.D.E. powers down, but the camera light still blinks as being active.  To the Employees) So, any questions, comments, feedback?

            (The Employees stare at the lasered floor, which has been smoking as a hole begins to grow)

            Employee 7: (Raises hand) Yeah, can I take him home?

Story 286: Self-Appointed Travel Agent

            (The Family gathered `round for a social media fireside chat)

           Parent 1: Right, since no one else has taken the initiative this year, I’m going to go ahead and plan our entire summer vacation, everyone OK with that?  Speak now, or never complain about anything ever again.

            Parent 2: OK.

            Child 1: OK.

            Child 2: OK.

            Cousin: OK.

            Parent 1: Who invited you?!

            Cousin: You did, last year.

            Parent 1: I what?  Oh yeah, never mind.  Well, if you still want to be the fifth wheel, you have absolutely no input regarding the week we go or the activities we do.

            Cousin: Fine by me – I do nothing anyway, so this’ll be a nice change.

            Child 1: Can we go to Disney World this year?

            Parent 1: We already did Disney World!

            Child 1: Yeah, like 25 years ago!  I wanna go again!

            Parent 1: You’re a grown man, son, no more Disney for you!

            Child 1: I’m stuck in arrested development!  And Disney owns everything and is a nerd haven now; those are my people!

            Child 2: I veto Disney and propose Qatar.

            Parent 1: Where now?!

          Child 2: It’s like Las Vegas, only more refined.  Everyone there is super-rich and I want to absorb their joy.

            Parent 2: I vote for Glastonbury Festival.

            Parent 1: Not this again – last time you hated all the bands and forgot to bring the tent so we had to re-enact Woodstock conditions!

         Parent 2: I realized later what a truly memorable experience it was and I would appreciate it all the more this time.  In a luxury tent.

          Parent 1: Well I veto you all since you literally had an entire year to make up your minds before now.  I declare that this summer, our destination will be: Cape April.

            Parent 2: Oh.

            Child 1: Oh.

            Child 2: Oh.

            Cousin: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

          Parent 1: My decision is final and I will brook no argument – you either remain on complaint silence throughout the entire stay, or book your own vacation that you then will take alone and bored.

            Parent 2: Well, that town is very tranquil.

          Parent 1: It is a city, it is bristling with activities, and the whole thing was made a historic landmark so it is a very exciting place to be!  We will be taking enriching self-guided tours and steeping ourselves in cultured talks and lounging for hours at the dignified beaches and there will be absolutely no whining, DO YOU HEAR ME????

            Child 2: Please stop yelling by text – it hurts my ears and I don’t know why.

          Child 1: If you’re going to be the one booking everything, do we still have to split all the costs?

            Parent 1: You have five seconds to withdraw that abominable question.

ON THE VACATION

            (The Family arrives by car and checks into their multi-room suite)

            Parent 1: All right, now that the interminable check-in process finally is over, I want to review our itinerary for the week.  (Flicks open a five-foot long scroll)

            Parent 2: Wiiiillllll we have time for all this?

          Parent 1: Yes: I have everything scheduled down to the minute, so I require everyone’s full cooperation.  Now, we have precisely 23 said minutes to go over this and then relax before we head over to the city center for the two hours allotted to “Shopping Time.”

            Cousin: (Sprawled across an armchair, rolls head back) Uggggghhhhhh…..

           Parent 1: I had no choice: the activity would have been done no matter what, so at least this way I control the location and duration.

            Child 2: Aw, no fair, I also wanted to shop over on the west side!  And the east side!  And the south side!  And two hours isn’t nearly enough for all of that!

            Parent 1: Too bad, it’s this or nothing!  Now, when we return from that, it’s off to dinner next door for 1.5 to 2 hours depending on the crowds, then miniature golf down the street for another hour, then ice cream that we can eat on the way back, then if all goes well, a few rounds of pinochle in the room here before promptly retiring to bed at 10:30 p.m. sharp.  Tomorrow, we get up at 6:00 a.m. for an hour run before breakfast back in the room here, then off by quaint trolley car to the Historical Society to listen to a rousing session on “The Legacy of Colonial Imperialism: How Nostalgic Décor Masks the Truth of Oppression,” then –

            Parent 2: Wait a minute, when are we going to go to the beach?

           Parent 1: I’m getting to that!  Then, it’s lunchtime at the café on the corner, which should wrap up by 1:30 p.m. at the latest so we have enough time to get changed and head over to the beach, which we then should leave by 5:00 p.m. at the latest so we can get to dinner by 6:30 p.m. at the latest –

            Cousin: Whatever – I’m going to be surfing all day every day, so just let me know what times you’re eating and maybe I’ll meet up with you.  I’ll probably just grab something, though.

            Parent 1: Just… grab… something?  Where?  When?  What?

           Cousin: I’ll figure it out; there're tons of places around here and they’re open extra late for all the tourists, which we are.

            Parent 1: But – but – the uncertainty –

           Child 1: Yeah, I think I’ll skip both the talk and the beach tomorrow: I saw there’s a dolphin watching boat nearby and I want to go on that instead.

            Parent 1: Dolphin watching’s on Thursday!

            Child 2: I think I’ll skip tomorrow, too – I really just want to shop in a bunch of stores, then spent the rest of the week here at the beach.

            Parent 1: I quite generously carved out two hours today to get those shenanigans out of your system!  You can shop anywhere and anytime back at home!  

            Child 2: Yeah, but they have cool shore stuff here.

            Parent 1: Stuff?!

           Parent 2: You know, I wanted to hike in The Nature Conservancy preserve that’s down here, and there isn’t one anywhere by us – is that on the itinerary?

           Parent 1: Why would it be?!  Why would you be hiking at a time like this, we are on vacation, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING!!!

         Cousin: (Gently plucks the scroll from Parent 1’s wildly waving hand) How about we all go through this together and decide which items which of us want to do, and arrange to meet up throughout the day?

           Parent 1: (Collapses onto the sleeper sofa) Oh all right, this trip is already chaos, might as well give into the anarchy!

            Parent 2: There now, doesn’t letting go feel relaxing?

            Parent 1: No!  Well maybe a bit.