Story 242: Pests Are Always Invincible

            (In a tree)

            Tick: This is it: this is the day I’m gonna do it.

            Mosquito: What, mutate?

            Tick: No – take a meal from one of the apex predators.

           Mosquito: That’s certainly ambitious.  You sure you want to go through something like that, though?  Plenty of choices around here that aren’t so nasty.

            Tick: I’m tired of deer, that bird I just dropped off of was very unsatisfactory, I’ve only got a few months left to pop out some kids and die, and I want to trophy hunt before I go.

          Mosquito: Suit yourself, since you want to be so omnivorous, but you do realize this’ll probably be the end of the line.

            Tick: Then what an end!  (Spots a potential host) All right, that looks like a good one: lots of mane to get lost in, especially since I don’t have to climb up the rest of the body to get there this time.  (Shudders at the memory)

            Mosquito:  Really?  That one?  Smells bland.

            Tick: It’s the closest one I can see so I’m going for it!  (Raises a front leg to test the wind and makes complex calculations adjusting for air currents, land speed of the target, and angle of descent)  Here I go – wish me luck!  (Sees that Mosquito had left some time ago) Right.  (Drops from the tree and lands on the target’s head).  Ooh, nice and warm.

            (Six hours later)

            Human: (Scratches head) Hm, something in my hair?  (Grabs and takes a look)

            Tick: Howdy.

            Human: [String of expletives]

            Tick: No need for alarm, I barely burrowed in – you actually woke me up from a nice nap just now, so if you don’t mind –

            Human: No-no-no-no, I can’t have Lyme’s, my life can’t be over, what am I going to do – ?!

            Tick: Relax, most of us don’t have that one, but it’s a stigma we’re all forced to bear.

            Human: Really?  You don’t have Lyme’s?

         Tick: How should I know?  You guys are the ones always poking around in everyone’s business; you figure it out.

            Human: I certainly will.  (Drops Tick on the floor, takes a heavy book, and drops that on top; gingerly lifts the book up)

            Tick: My kind has survived countless generations of all that Mother Earth has literally thrown at us – you seriously think that a simple crushing pressure would defeat me?

            Human: Yes!

            Tick: Typical human reaction: something irritates you, therefore it must die.

            Human: Well you probably’ve killed me, so we’re even!

          Tick: I sincerely doubt it: my guess is that if – if, mind you – I happened to pass along anything, your fellows have cooked up some unnatural concoction that no doubt will keep the little ones too busy to do any real damage.  And I wouldn’t stress out over something you might have, and maybe focus more on that anemia you’ve been working on lately.

            Human: What?!

            Tick: I think I’ve told you more than you deserve.

            Human: In that case – (Places Tick in a plastic bag)

            Tick: (Muffled) You think a simple lack of oxygen would defeat me?

            Human: It should!

            Tick: I wouldn’t take that bet.

            (Two days later)

            Human: (Checks bag) You’re still alive?!

            Tick: You think a simple lack of food and water would defeat me?

           Human: Fire might, once I have a lab tech check you out.  I have to wait weeks before my blood’ll show if you gave me anything, so now I don’t even know how to feel!

            Tick: Might I recommended gratitude for being alive at all?

            Human: What would you know?!

            Tick: Enough.  (Reveals hole that was bitten into the bag) Tick away!  (Scurries to a window)

            Human: Drat.  Should’ve done the fire first.

           Tick: Typical human reaction.  And you think a simple extreme temperature would defeat me?  By all rights my kind should be running this planet!  But, unlike some species I could name, we’re not greedy.

Story 241: Hoping for a Home

         Friend 1: I’m telling you, pretty much all of them are harmless.  Sometimes a little over-enthusiastic, but harmless.

            Friend 2: OK, I guess – this is my first time doing this, so I’m a little nervous.

            Friend 1: Just stick by me and follow my lead.  Ooh, here’s one coming right for you, don’t be shy!

            Friend 2: I – I – I just can’t, I’m sorry!

            Friend 1: It’s OK, I’ll handle this one.

            Visitor 1: Aren’t you a pretty kitty, yes you are!  (Holds out hand)

            Friend 1: (Sniffs fingers) Hm, not a serious customer.

            Friend 2: (Hanging back in a corner) How can you tell?

          Friend 1: I smell cat all over her – doubtful she’d bring a stranger into the fold, especially living with one that old.  Still, she’s a friend of our kind.  (Rubs head against Visitor 1’s hand)

            Visitor 1: Aw, look, she likes me!

            Visitor 2: Don’t even think about bringing her home, young lady.

            (Friend 1 looks knowingly at Friend 2 while purring enthusiastically; Visitor 1 moves on)

            Friend 1: (Trots over to Friend 2 and bats around a toy mouse) See?  Some of them just want to cuddle and then grab a snack in the café, but the more you circulate around here the better your chances one will take you home.

            Friend 2: (Jumps to a high ledge on the wall and settles down) I don’t know, what if we seem to hit it off but then it turns out we’re incompatible?  I miss my old home, and at least here I know everybody.

            Friend 1: Not for long, pal – none of us plan on staying here long-term.  (There is activity on the other side of the room) Case in point: looks like McFluffy’s got herself a new family.  Way to go, McFluff!

            Friend 2: Aw, and I liked her – we bonded because her human had gotten sick, too.  At least I still have you.

            Friend 1: (Rubbing against Visitor 3’s legs) Don’t count on it: I intend to be whisked away to my new forever home by someone halfway decent within the next few weeks if I have to lie to do it.

            Friend 2: What, by pretending to be a lap cat or something?

            Friend 1: If that’s what it takes.  Come on down, you’ll never get adopted if you stay up there!

           Friend 2: Oh, all right.  (Leaps down to the floor and is immediately approached by Visitor 3, abandoning Friend 1 in mid-rub)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Tease.

            Visitor 3: Hi there, little guy.  (Holds out hand, knuckles first)

            Friend 2: Here goes.  (Sniffs) Smells all right.

            Friend 1: Go on, introduce yourself.

           Friend 2: Oh boy.  (Rubs head against Visitor 3’s hand, then lightly nips) Sorry, I’m sorry!  I don’t know what came over me!

            Visitor 3: (Laughs) Ooh, feisty!  I can take a hint.  (Moves on)

            Friend 2: Aw, I ruined it!  (Flops onto a cat bed and sighs)

           Friend 1: (Scratching a post) Don’t beat yourself up over it; happens to the best of us, that’s why they sign a waiver.  Try taking a nap in the condo by the front window – the humans’ll see you first as they come in and maybe they’ll look for you later.

           Friend 2: I don’t know, that feels self-exploitative.  (Looks around) Maybe I should go meet that family who just walked in; they seem nice.

            Friend 1: (Stretched out on the floor, being given a belly rub) Go get `em, tiger!

https://www.catsburypark.com/

Story 240: The Magicrobat

“Come one, come all; step right up; don’t be shy; and any other version on the phrase ‘Get your butts over here’ you can think of, to witness the spectacular spectacle that is The Amazing Acrobatic Magician!”

            If she didn’t promote her own act, who would?

            “Welcome, friends.  You there, little boy in the front, thank you for volunteering!”

            “Uhhhh…?”

            “Here, have the quarter that’s been hiding behind your ear.  I’m kidding; no one wants to see that garbage when they can see this!”  She levitated the child several feet above the stage, circled him once over the crowd, and set him back down in his seat.  “Notice that my lips never moved!”

            She grabbed four hatchets from the floor and began juggling them extremely fast.  “Now, keep your eyes on each of these as I make them disappear one-by-one.”  Each one vanished in mid-toss.  “You, ma’am in the back row, what’s that in your oversized swag bag?”  The audience member pulled out four hatchets and dropped them in shock.  “Voila!  Nothing up my sleeves!”

            She grabbed a deck of cards out of thin air and flung all of them into the audience.  “OK everybody, pick a card!”  All 52 plus one Joker were picked up.  “Memorize it!  You got it?”  She pulled down a trapeze that was hanging nearby, flipped around on it a bit 50 feet in the air, and shouted down: “I’m going to finish with a triple-somersault and land on one foot atop that glass there – ” she pointed with her toe to the glass that had appeared center stage – “and when I have alit upon it, all of your cards will have returned to me.”  She did and they did.  She pulled one out of the deck and held it face out: “Is this your card?”

            “Yes!” One voice called out.

            “I thought so.”  She set some batons on fire.  “For my final trick – ”

            “Awwww,” the crowd groaned in disappointment.

            “Sweet.  For my final trick, I will be throwing these flaming projectiles into the air above us, creating a chemical reaction in the atmosphere that will transform these implements of destruction into a shower of roses that will cascade upon us.  Before I do so, does anyone here have seasonal allergies?”  Several hands raised.  “After this, you will be cured.”  She juggled the batons for another minute, throwing them higher each time and spinning around every so often just to show off, then vaulted them in the air and lay down on the stage for a quick nap as the flowers fell gently on everyone.  She was jolted awake by the thundering applause and $20 bills flung in her direction.

            “Thank you, good people, I do this all for you and your adoration!”

            She had three more shows that day, then off to the next state’s Renaissance Fair – truly, she was living the dream in entertaining the nerds.