(In
an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)
M.C.:
Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.
(Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may
have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time,
if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering
allowed. When making your acceptance
speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index
card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely
unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and,
especially, all variations of “Um.”
Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be
tolerated. There will be no music played
as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear. That’s it for my opening remarks: the first
award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.” (Opens an envelope and reads the name)
(Student
1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where
the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)
Student
1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first
of all, I’d like to thank –
(M.C.
presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student
1)
M.C.
Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the
band room afterwards. The next award is
for “Highest GPA.” (Opens an envelope and
reads the name)
(Student
2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award
from the M.C.)
Student
2:
This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye. (Walks quickly back to the audience)
M.C.:
I can see why you were awarded that.
Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”
(Opens an envelope and reads the name)
(Student
3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)
Student
3: Thank you so much! Boom! Done in two seconds!
M.C.:
Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!
(Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears,
Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs
chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.
Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s
accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the
piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a
capella.
(A
chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)
M.C.:
Wasn’t that lovely. The last segment
features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I
don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.
In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?! I am not reading all of these names
and what all y’all did: get up here now!
(Chaos
as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)
Students:
Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I
doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I
wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank
you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for
something the court ordered me to do –
M.C.:
THAT. IS. ENOUGH.
(They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button
and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this
ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night! (Wheels the podium off stage right to
scattered applause)
Parent:
(Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.
