Story 381: Bonding With a Stranger Over Pop Culture

 (At an anniversary dinner in a banquet hall, two couples and two singles are seated at that table during the lull between everyone arriving and the pasta course)

Guest 1: (To the others at the table) So, how do you all know the guests of honor?  We – (Gestures to Guest 2) used to play golf and mah-jongg with them, but once something major like knee surgery or moving out-of-state happens, these things just kind of drop off on their own, you know?

Guest 2: Yeah, that’s Life: things just happen.  Or stop happening, in this case.

Guest 3: Well, I used to work with both of them way back when, and then they got promoted and I got fired – the two events were unrelated, but they still invite me to all their stuff out of guilt for some reason.  I haven’t actually spoken to them outside of these things for over 20 years.

Guest 4: And I keep getting invited because we – (Gestures to Guest 3) were married; we divorced ages ago, but they don’t need to know that.

Guest 3: Least I could do: a free meal’s a free meal.

Guest 1: (To Guest 5 and Guest 6) And what about you two?

Guest 5: Distant cousin who didn’t make the cut for one of the family tables.

Guest 6: I met them once at my boss’s barbecue – I don’t even know how they got my address.

Guest 1: Oh.  Welcome.  (Servers deliver the pasta) Oh thank goodness – dig in!

(They all focus on the food and make it last as long as possible; the couples begin talking within their own units, while the singles continue on in silence.  Guest 5 cuts the pasta into miniscule pieces, and Guest 6 soon turns the old stand-by of playing on a cell phone)

Guest 6: (Scrolling through an article, grumbling) Aw no, someone posted spoilers already?  My night’s ruined.

Guest 5: (Maximizing the sauce) Everything OK?

Guest 6: (Distracted) Oh – yeah – just some show I watch; new episode’s on tonight and people already are posting spoilers.  It’s not even over yet; there’s still 20 minutes left.

Guest 5: Heh, is that Sword Slash?

Guest 6: (Perks up) Why, yes it is – you watch it?

Guest 5: Every week.  I’m gonna catch it after I get home from this, so please don’t tell me what everyone’s posting.

Guest 6: (Pockets the phone) Wouldn’t dream of it.  So, what do you think of the whole trapped-in-the-mountain storyline this season?

Guest 5: I’m on the fence about that: it’s an interesting change of pace, shake things up for the series –

Guest 6: Definitely after last season.

Guest 5: Oh yeah – those trolls?  The castle burning down for no good reason? The out-of-nowhere love triangle that nobody asked for?

Guest 6: Ugh, I hate love triangles.  Two people being mushy are bad enough and now we’ve got a third, adding their angst and drama?  Barf.

Guest 5: I know, it’s totally manufactured conflict and pads the runtime; take it out and we’d never miss it…. What was I saying earlier?

Guest 6: They’re all trapped in the mountain now.

Guest 5: Right – yes, good shake-up for the series, but after five episodes it’s getting a bit old, don’t you think?

Guest 6: Oh yeah, but they did have that whole issue with location filming so I can see why they had to keep the sets limited.

Guest 5: True, but still: how long can they all wander around the same bunch of tunnels and keep us interested?  I’m starting to feel the apathy creeping back in, and I used to be obsessed with this show two years ago.

Guest 6: Ah yes, The Golden Age when ---- ---- was still in the cast.  Too bad that one had to go off and make movies and be even more successful and whatever.

Guest 5: Speaking of, did you see their new movie?

Guest 6: (Servers deliver the main course, and Guest 5 and Guest 6 eat while talking) I did.  Not a fan.

Guest 5: Really?  I liked it, but it had its flaws.

Guest 6: I never thought I would use this term in my life, but I found the whole thing a bit bombastic.

Guest 5: Ouch.  I guess you could call it that.

Guest 6: Don’t get me wrong: acting was decent, writing was… passable, but the directing?  So.  Much.  Everything!

Guest 5: Oh yeah, my face was stuck in a cringe for the last hour, and I was sitting next to one of the speakers in the theater so that didn’t help.  Did they really need to show that many supernovas?  And I’m pretty sure there’s no sound in space, so why did we have to hear them all go “boom”?

Guest 6: I know.  The soundtrack was phenomenal, though; I actually bought it and it’s great to hear the music when it’s not overlaid by all the explosions and screams.

Guest 5: Ooh, I’ll have to check that out, thanks!

Guest 6: Sure.  I was surprised ---- did a song on it, during that one quiet scene by the neutron star.

Guest 5:  Really?  That was ----?  I love all their stuff, how could I’ve missed it?!

Guest 6: Easy to do: post-production added electromagnetic waves from stars over the vocals, I guess to emphasize how much in space we all were.  The soundtrack has just the vocals and the music, which usually bothers me when it’s changed from what was in the movie but in this case was an improvement.

Guest 5: I’ll have to get that album, then.  Did you get ----’s new one yet?

Guest 6: Yes, but it doesn’t have the movie song on it `cause of the rights or something.

Guest 5: Bummer; still, don’t you think the album’s amazing?

Guest 6: Sure do – listen to it all the time.  (Takes out the phone again)  Wanna listen to some of it now?

Guest 5: YES.

Guest 1: (Stands with Guests 2, 3, and 4) We’re all going to the buffet table for dessert – you two want some?

Guest 5: Nah, I’m good, thanks.

Guest 6: Yeah, we’re working on something here right now.  (Both lean closer to the phone to listen to the music)

Guest 1: (Mutters while heading to dessert) Weirdos.

(Later that night, Guest 5 greets parents while entering the house)

Guest 5: Hi!  I’m home!

Parent 1: Have a good time?  Or at least some good food?

Guest 5: Both!  I was at a table with a bunch of strangers, but I wound up talking to the one next to me about movies, and shows, and music – we pretty much liked all the same things, it was great!

Parent 2: How nice!  What was their name?

Guest 5: …Name?

Story 341: Pitfalls in Collaboration

[Inspired by The Metropolitan Opera and its recent Nightly Opera Streams at www.metopera.org]

            (In an office, an opera house’s Artistic Director sits at a desk facing Composer and Librettist)

            Artistic Director: All right, you two: when I commissioned you to create the best opera ever, I meant I wanted one where the audience will laugh, cry, roar, and swoon, preferably in that order.  And instead, I’m getting a half-completed work that makes me want to chuck the entire orchestra at you.  What in the name of bel canto’s going on?!

            Composer: First of all – did you hear the music yet?

            Librettist: (Slumps in the chair) Ugh, here we go.

          Composer: (To Artistic Director) I would like to take this moment to emphasize that my portion of this work is done, by the way – I even finished the orchestration months ago.

            Artistic Director: Then why are you two telling me it’s not done?

          Librettist: (Rolls eyes) Somebody feels that the lyrics need to “match the tone set by the music,” whatever that means.

            Artistic Director: It means the lyrics should convey the same themes as the music.

            Librettist: I know what it means!                                      

            Artistic Director: What?

         Librettist: My libretto is perfect as it is; it’s based off the book you – (Points to Artistic Director) chose, and it’s got everything you could ever want: hot people in love, random shenanigans, loud misunderstandings that go on for hours, and societal rebels refusing to live lives of oppressive regular salaries, so I fail to see what the problem is.

            Composer: (To Artistic Director) OK, first: you’ve heard the music?

            Artistic Director: Yes, we’ve established that.

            Composer: And you’ve noted how absolutely glorious it is?

           Artistic Director: Well, a tear or two did threaten, and my heart struggled to beat a few times, so I think it’s safe to say that “glorious” is an acceptable adjective.

         Composer: Thank you.  Now, with that in mind: have you read the lyrics set to this awe-inspiring masterpiece of sound?

            Artistic Director: Well, sort-of – it’s been hard to keep up with all the revisions.

            Composer: (Flips through pages of the score) Uh-huh, uh-huh – OK, here’s the latest from Act 1, the aria I wrote for the lead tenor.  (Hands a few pages to the Artistic Director) Note the soaring strings that sound like grown human beings weeping?

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages) Oh yes, I like this one a lot.

            Composer: Uh-huh – and do you see the words paired with these sublime notes?

            Artistic Director: (Reads some more) He’s talking about what he does during his day?

            Composer: Yes!  He soars to the heavens about going out to pick up the newspaper!

            Librettist: What’s your point?

            Artistic Director: It does seem a bit trivial for such majestic instrumentation.

            Composer: Thank you!

         Librettist: What do you expect?  It’s a day in the life – the whole thing’s populated with mooning adult children living in self-inflicted poverty and falling in love with completely incompatible randos – Billy Shakespeare wrote reams on the same subjects, and everybody loved him for it!

            Composer: His words were divine poetry!  Yours don’t even rhyme!

            Librettist: Most of the audience members don’t even speak the language I’m writing in – they just want it to sound good.

            Composer: They’ll know when they read the subtitles that it’s all trite!   Here – (Flips through more pages and hands a bunch to Artistic Director) love duet in Act 2.  Tell me what you think.

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages, humming the notes of a romantic tune, then stops) Wait, do these two people even know each other?

            Composer: They just met in Act 1!  Which took place 20 minutes earlier!

          Librettist: Duh, it’s called “Love at first sight,” haven’t you ever heard of a little something called Romeo and Juliet?

           Artistic Director: You really should stop comparing yourself to an icon; it never works out in your favor.

            Librettist: Noted.

          Composer: My point is, I wrote that piece for two lovers who have the intimacy that comes from shared years and memories, and this one – (Points thumb at Librettist) has them gibbering on about how the Sun looks a tad peaked, and ooh, isn’t that a fine rock over there, and oh, what’s your name again?!

            Librettist: All issues that plague the common folk.

           Artistic Director: Hm.  I have to admit, for a transcendent work of art, the stakes here are really low.

           Composer: You have no idea: in Act 3, they have an argument for half an hour over who broke up with the other first, when it turns out they cheated on each for no reason!

            Librettist: Everyone likes a good “Will they or won’t they?” popping up a few times during a story; keeps things fresh.

            Composer: It’s smothering my score!

           Artistic Director: (Hands papers back to the Composer) I have to agree: unless this is a flat-out farce, the audience won’t connect with the characters if they just dither on about who they should dance with, or whether they should stick with the rich lord or the penniless artist when the answer clearly is “Neither,” or what hat they should wear today – they want war; they want royal executions; they want gods and goddesses loudly interfering with mortals’ destines; all that rubbish.

             Librettist: (Sighs dramatically) Fine – you want me to kill one of the lovebirds at the end or something like that?  Give a nice air of tragedy to the whole thing?

            Artistic Director: Ooh, there’s a thought: killing one or both of the romantic leads usually does the trick; it elevates pretty much anything from boring banality to the existential futility of life, with very minimal effort.

            Composer: But if you kill `em off at the end, no one’s gonna know that the whole thing was poetically tragic until the end!

         Librettist: Argh, all right, I’ll give one of them something consistently debilitating, like consumption – that way the singer’ll be stage-coughing throughout so everyone watching’ll know something’s up, happy?

            Composer: Only as long as they don’t upstage the first violins.

            Artistic Director: So it’s settled, then: give just the soprano consumption and throw in some lines about how frail she looks, and then the leads can sing their hearts out about anything trivial they want since life is so fleeting and pointless, and also have the tenor freak out at the end when she dies so the grand finale of cymbals crashing and horns blaring and drums exploding all makes sense, and I can see the audience’s flowing tears now, ahahahaha!

            Librettist: …Sure, I can whip something up.  (To Composer) This mean you’ll shut up about the lyrics now?

          Composer: Would you at least consider throwing in a regicide or people’s uprising while you’re at it?  I really feel like those subjects are more in scale with my work.

            Librettist: Just tell the singers to be coloratura and leggiero to the max, and no one will notice what they’re really talking about.

Story 320: Driving Accident-Free During the Holidays Through the Power of Music

            (Commercial)

          Narrator: (Voiceover) Ah, December.  The most wonderful time of the year, as the saying goes.  Do you spend most of it like this?  (Cut to five-lane bumper-to-bumper traffic, both directions) Or like this?  (Cut to a line of cars stuck behind one very slow car) Or like this?  (Cut to two cars simultaneously reversing out of spots in a strip mall parking lot and rear-ending each other)

            Driver 1: (Shaking fist out of the window) Look where you’re going, moron!

            Driver 2: (Shaking middle finger out of the window while driving away, leaving behind a trail of car parts) Merry Christmas, ------!

            Driver 1: I don’t think that season’s greeting was entirely genuine.

         Narrator: (Voiceover) Or like this?  (Cut to cars swerving in and out of the lane during a blizzard)

            Driver 3: (Sticking head out of the window) On Dasher!  On Dancer!  On all the rest, whee!

            Driver 4: (Veering off the road) Weirdo!

           Narrator: (Appears on-screen) Well, fret no more, my children: we here at radio station WNAP are here to answer your previously unknown prayers.  Granted, we can’t take away the traffic – or the snow – or the black ice – or the never-ending construction – or the messed-up roads – or the terrible drivers who should have their licenses taken away – BUT, we can make all those things basically irrelevant.  Allow me to demonstrate.  (Walks over to a car, which has an actor simulating driving)

          Actor Driver: (Speaking to an invisible car in front) Press the gas, I know you can do it, I believe in you, gaaarrggghhh!!!  (Slams head onto the steering wheel)

           Narrator: Now, observe the same subject as the environment is altered.  (Leans in through the passenger side window and turns on the radio; gentle Beethoven is heard)

        Actor Driver: (Blaring the horn) Move over, for the love of – oooooohhhhhh….. (Immediately relaxes, eyes glazing over a bit; the grip on the steering wheel lets up)

          Narrator: That’s right, folks: it isn’t medication, it’s not magic, just plain old sympathetic resonance.  Let’s try this out in the field, hm? 

            (Footage from a dashboard cam that is facing the driver)

            Driver 5: (Steering erratically) Grrrr…. (Jabs a button on the center console; soft sitar music is heard) Sighhhh…. (Leans back and begins steering serenely, smoothly and safely changing lanes and then stopping with patience as a crash, car horns, and yelling voices are heard) What a beautiful day.

            Narrator: (In an empty room) But don’t take my word for it: try it yourself the next time you feel your blood boiling as every vehicle on the road seems to go out of its way to torment you.  And almost any musical genre will do, as long as it’s around 60 beats per minute.  Go ahead: feel your heart literally slow down to match as the chaos besieging you on every side no longer seems to matter!  And to top it all off, your driving actually IMPROVES because there’s something running interference between you and the world, and you are now able to take everything in rather than focus on just your own stress and the jerk in front of you.  It truly is the Season of Miracles!

            (Cut to Driver 6, talking to the camera soothingly while driving breezily; Buddhist chants are playing over the speakers]

            Driver 6: I used to dread this time of year, averaging one accident per every five trips – now, I simply glide on and off highways, swim through parking lots, and plow over inches of snow, and I owe it all to the car radio.  Thanks, WNAP!

            Narrator: Thanks to you, our loyal listeners.  And don’t forget: subscribe to us online, and you can then take us wherever you go!  This will come in especially handy as you stand on the hour-long line waiting to buy that one gift for an unappreciative recipient.  Happy Holidays from all of us at WNAP, and keep on gently listening all year long!

           (Cut to a customer standing on line and wearing headphones, listening to string music, and sporting a beatific smile – the camera pulls back to show they are surrounded by people yelling, kids making messes all over with the store’s own merchandise, babies crying, and employees holding their heads and screaming, all of which gradually is drowned out by the swelling strings and the fade to black)