Story 463: A True Haunting

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The visibly dying plants?  The hibernation-prepping squirrels running all over the place?  The forgotten promise of spring, the lost joy of summer, and the threatening doom of winter?

Friend 1: Well, all that stuff now that you said them, but no, not at the moment, anyway.

Friend 2: Then what?

Friend 1: Ghosts.

Friend 2: You mean Halloween?

Friend 1: Nah, I love Halloween, but its downside is that it raises The Ghost Issue, and frankly I’m tired of it.

Friend 2: Didn’t realize there was a Ghost Issue.  What’s that involve?

Friend 1: Just that a certain percentage of The Living is obsessed with The Ghosts, but nobody really gets what they are.  For example: what do you think a ghost is?

Friend 2: Uh, well, let me think…. I’d have to say the spirit of someone left behind with unfinished business that needs resolving.

Friend 1: (Points briefly to Friend 2) Wrong!  That’s what most people think, and it’s absolute baloney.

Friend 2: OK, if you’re so wise in the ways of the supernatural, then why is that wrong?

Friend 1: Because nobody would ever stick around this mess, possibly for centuries, just to slam some doors shut suddenly or lower the thermostat several degrees or rearrange the furniture ever so slightly to the delight of tourists everywhere.

Friend 2: What about the unfinished business?

Friend 1: There are better ways to point out who knocked you into the spirit world than messing up a sock drawer or whispering a random syllable in the hopes that someone out there is a real-life Sherlock Holmes who has the time and the resources to piece together the rest of it.

Friend 2: Better ways like what?

Friend 1: Spirit possession.

Friend 2: Ew.

Friend 1: And I can’t stand those books and movies where you actually see the ghost walking around and they have full-on conversations with the main character, as if they were still alive but just had invisibility and teleportation superpowers.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone; there’s nothing left for you to do because you’ve moved on to bigger and better, and that’s that!

Friend 2: All right, then how do you explain all those sightings and paranormal experiences so many people’ve had for ages and ages?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Mass hysteria.

Friend 2: Oh, please.

Friend 1: Fine, I admit that sometimes there’s something people see, or hear, or feel – usually it’s the power of suggestion from the ghost tour guide, but my theory is that all that stuff is just… an echo.

Friend 2: What do you mean?

Friend 1: For instance: imagine if someone were, you know, murdered – (Friend 2 double-takes) there’d’ve been a lot of energy expended at the time, and some of that energy didn’t dissipate for whatever-physics reason, and that’s what people are experiencing.  A video on repeat, forever.

Friend 2: Hm.  Maybe.  But what about the non-murder ones?

Friend 1: Huh?

Friend 2: You know, the ones where people say they see ghosts doing everyday things like writing in their diary or walking the dog or napping on the couch?

Friend 1: Oh, those: either they want to see something so badly that they’ll see what they want to see; or they’re seeing someone who’s actually alive and they assume the figure was a ghost; or they took a little mind-altering something earlier and don’t want to admit it.

Friend 2: I guess.  So you basically believe there’s no such thing as what most people think of as ghosts, just echoes of energy, and you don’t like that ghost sightings and what-not increase exponentially this time of year.

Friend 1: Bingo.  Drives me up the wall.

Resident: (Sitting at the table across from them) Excuse me?

Friend 1: (Turns to Resident) What’s up?

Resident: I’ve been watching you two have the same conversation every morning since I moved into this apartment last month, and I wanted to see if it would end differently if I interrupted.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at Resident, then at each other in slowly mounting horror)

Friend 1: Start again then?

Friend 2: Please.

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The –

Resident: (Sighs, then returns to eating a breakfast packet and watching the holographic newsfeed displayed above the table) Just my luck: I move into the one place with a self-referential Echo Issue.

Story 462: Campfire Tale of Horror

(Around the evening campfire, Counselor and five Children sit on logs roasting marshmallows)

Child 1: I had so much fun today, it’s gonna be hard falling asleep tonight!

Counselor: Well, it’s a good thing tomorrow’s Sunday then, so you all have a day to recover at home before back to school on Monday.

Child 2: School, ugh!

Children 1-5: Uggghhhh!!!

Counselor: Ingrates.  (Tests a marshmallow with fingertips, then passes around chocolate and crackers for everyone to make s’mores) So!  Since it’s almost Halloween and we’re in the proper setting, would you like to hear a… serious and heartfelt story?

Children 1-5: (All shake their heads and laugh) Nooo!!!

Child 3: We want to hear a scary story!

Counselor: Ah, of course.  (Hastily finishes off the s’more) OK then, what should it be about?  Witches?  Werewolves?  Vampires?  Mummies?  Zombies?  (The Children shake their heads on each one) I’m running out of the classics here, kids.

Child 4: Those are all overdone – we want something really scary!

Child 5: Yeah, something that’ll give us nightmares!

Counselor: You may regret that….

Children 1-5: (Cheering over each other) Tell us a scary story!  Make us scream!  Haunt our dreams!

Counselor: Fine, fine!  If you insist.  (Wipes messy hands and leans forward; Children do likewise) This is a tale to freeze the blood, chill the heart, and send shivers down the spine – good thing we’re all sitting around a nice hot fire, right?

Child 1: Not to be rude, but this sounds like it’s going to be one of those tales that really aren’t that scary anymore.

Counselor: (Gets a devilish look) Oh, just you wait.  I call this –

 THE TALE OF THE UNSTOPPABLE LIFE CHANGES

             Children 1-5: …What?!

            Counselor: Don’t interrupt.

 Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a child, right around your age, who loved life, and was loved by life….

(In black-and-white overtones, Child (who looks like a younger version of Counselor) is skipping down a residential sidewalk in glee)

Child: (Smiling as wide as humanly possible) La, la, la, la, la….

Narrator: Not a care in the world, and knew that all was well and would always be well.  Until, one day –

(The robed figure of Adulthood jumps out from the nearby hedges)

Adulthood: Ta-da!

Child: (Stops skipping, but smile never falters) Why, hello!  And who might you be?

Adulthood: Your future, kid.

Child: Why, whatever could you mean?  I feel so grand about all things all the time, and you look terrible!

Adulthood: Life’ll do that to ya – mind if I sit down?  (Points to a nearby bench)  That surprise entrance did my knees and lungs no favors.

Child: But of course!  Do you also need to lean upon my youthful shoulder?

Adulthood: Not yet, but don’t wander off, either.  (Staggers over to the bench and collapses on it; Child follows and stands nearby)

Child: Do you need a glass of water and a pillow, oh Elder One?

Adulthood: (Wipes sweat from forehead) No!  Now listen up: you’ve had a good run; you were extremely lucky in having a loving family and living in comfortable, healthy surroundings; but all that’s done and it’s time for you to pupate into the horrors of puberty to reach your final destination of end-stage adult.

Child: (Still smiling; blinks once) I don’t follow.

Adulthood: Now, I’m not saying that I’m what you’re going to turn into, but judging by your parents, peers, and current trajectory, it’s pretty likely.  Scratch that: almost guaranteed.

Child: I know this sounds cold and disrespectful, but you appear to be an absolute failure.

Adulthood: In one.

Child: Then how could I possibly resemble you in any way once I have emerged from my glorious life cocoon?  I’m getting such good grades in school, and have such great friends, and I’m doing so well in basketball, and I just made finals in our geography tournament this year –

Adulthood: Kid.

Child: Yes?

Adulthood: I’m torn on whether to laugh or cry right now – either of which, I assure you, would be done most hysterically.

Child: Whyever is that?

Adulthood: At the end of the day, all your grades and activities and school-age achievements will mean bupkis: your success or failure in life will depend primarily on who you know, being in the right place at the right time, and putting in exorbitantly much more work than the person next to you.

Child: (Turns to the empty space next to both of them, then back to Adulthood; smile starts to falter) Huh?

Adulthood: And even if you’re lucky enough to be what this society deems “a success,” you’ll never be able to enjoy it: if the stress doesn’t destroy you, your neglect of your family if they still speak to you, any friends you might have left, life partner if you snag one, and/or any actual kids of your own, and their resentment of you in turn, will make you wonder why on Earth anybody does anything.

Child: (Smile fades further) What?

Adulthood: Oh, speaking of kids: your body’s going to start all those lovely life changes soon so you’ll be able to pop out another version of yourself, at least in theory; even if you don’t wind up going through with it, doesn’t matter, hormones and body transformation’re on their way, so kiss your last moments of unblemished happiness good-bye, `cause you are never getting them back.

Child: (Starting to whimper) Umm….

Adulthood: But, as much as you’re going to dislike your new form with its useless excess hair and pimples and glands that seem to do more harm than good, you’d better take special care of it with healthy food, regular exercise, a full night’s sleep, and regular doctor check-ups, or else your eventual “golden” years will be absolute torture, with no reprieve except the final one, and who would actually want to wish for that?!

Child: (Begins to cry) Why are you saying all these mean things?

Adulthood: They’re not mean, they’re just true.  At least now you’re prepared, right?  (Stands as Child cries harder) Oh, almost forgot: everything that is so much fun for you right now, all your joys and pleasures and good times, will slowly, inexorably, one-by-one, become… BORING.

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Children 1-5: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Camp Director: (Jogs over to the group as Children 1-5 stop screaming) What is going on here?!  Is anyone hurt?!

Counselor: Oh no, just telling them a spooky story, no big deal, right, kids?

Camp Director: (Sees Children 1-5 nodding with wide eyes and shivering) Must’ve been a doozy.  All right, everyone come back to your tents, it’s bedtime! 

(They shakily gathering their belongings; Counselor wiggles both arms in a mock scare at them, making them laugh in relief as they walk back to their tents with Camp Director.  Counselor chuckles a bit before turning back to extinguish the fire and clean up the site.  Suddenly, a twig snaps; Counselor freezes, sensing there are others nearby, waiting.  Feeling a chill, Counselor slowly turns around to face the surrounding woods.  Standing at the tree line, not 10 feet away, are a Witch, a Werewolf, a Vampire, a Mummy, and a Zombie)

Counselor: (Gulps) Ummm….

Vampire: (Steps forward cautiously) On behalf of my fellows, we wanted to know: that was only a story to scare the children, yes?

Counselor: …Ye-es, only a story, all in the spirit of the season.

(The others visibly relax and laugh in relief)

Mummy: Oh good, we were worried for a moment there that it was true!

Zombie: Or at the very least, a petrifying allegory!

Witch: That would have been a real horror, let me tell you!

(They all cackle uproariously; Counselor forces out a few laughs, and they all wave farewell as the group turns back to the woods.  Counselor shakily turns back to finish cleaning up and is met by Werewolf, who instantly appears opposite from where the rest of the group had been)

Werewolf: (Speaking in a growl) I must say, even though that was all made-up, you humans sure are a scary bunch!

Counselor: (Laughs nervously very loudly, then suddenly sobers and looks inwardly) That we are.

Story 414: How to Get Out of a Horror Movie Alive, Part 2

 Scenario 4: A horribly mutated insect, hundreds of times the usual size, predictably escapes the lab of its creation and indulges its taste for human flesh, tearing apart the local infrastructure in the meantime

(In the lab that was the scene of the crime against nature, a group of scientists huddle up)

Scientist 1: It attacks without warning; it covers its victims with a viscous, acidic fluid before it devours them whole; it seems impervious to bullets, bombs, electric shocks, and that one bread knife over there; and to top it all off, scans show it’s ready to lay a whole bunch of eggs on the roof that it will then stop at nothing to protect and will cover the Earth with its indestructible spawn when they all hatch!

Scientist 2: (Raises hand) Question: if it’s going to lay eggs, doesn’t that actually make “it” a “she”?

Scientist 3: Yeah, now she’s just a momma trying to protect her babies.  Although, won’t she need a mate first to fertilize them?

Scientist 4: Ooh, should we create one for her?

Scientist 1: Don’t make this life-and-death situation ethically complicated!  We must wipe them all out, now!  I mean, look what just one of these monsters did to our little town – imagine what an army of them would do to a major metropolis!

Scientist 3: I say we take our mad colleague who created this mess and feed `em to her – that should close the loop nicely.

Scientist 1: Our mad colleague was her first meal!

Scientist 3: Oh right, forget about that.  I withdraw my proposal.

Scientist 2: (Raises hand again) Hold on everyone: I have an idea….

(Hours later, the horribly mutated insect returns from her most recent meal foray, crawls up the outside of the lab building, and scampers across the roof to continue her insect world-building when she crosses a trip wire that releases a giant diamond fly swatter, which swings down and crushes the creature against the roof.  The scientists run out from their hiding place and stand in a circle around the remains)

Scientist 2: Yep: diamonds still remain the hardest substance on the planet.

Scientist 1: At last: the monster has been destroyed, and the world is safe from yet another human-made disaster.

(They stare at the smushed body some more)

Scientist 3: Sooooo… who’s going to clean this up?

 Scenario 5: Through an unfortunate close encounter, an everyday schlub gets transformed into a monster and now struggles with newfound powers and appetite

(In a café, the transformed schlub, covered in copious amounts of body hair, sporting fangs, rotting flesh falling off, and antennae swiveling around, sits at a table sipping coffee with Best Friend)

Schlub: (Prehensile tongue shoots out and slurps in a muffin; swallows and smacks lips) Nope – none of my former food and drink vices are doing it for me anymore.  I think my body is turning me toward one, single menu item: human being.  Which I don’t think counts as cannibalism since I’m clearly no longer a human being myself.  (Scratches ear with foot)

Best Friend: Mm.  (Sips coffee) You sure about that?  Wanting to eat people, I mean.

Schlub: Usually how these things go.

Best Friend: Just because you don’t like the food you used to eat doesn’t mean an all-human diet’ll do the trick.  Maybe your body’s just rejecting processed foods now.

Schlub: That’s ridicu – oh.  You think so?

Best Friend: You should try farm-to-table.

Schlub: Hmmm….

(Schlub goes to an organic farm and is served fresh fruit and vegetables and non-hormone-saturated animals)

Schlub: (Using claws to cut food on the plate; speaks to the farm family with a full mouth) This meal is AMAZING!  I no longer have the urge to devour everyone in sight!  And I can feel the chemicals built up in me over the decades practically melting away!  You know, everyone should eat like this, every day!

Farmer 1: (Gesturing to Farmer 2 and children that they can put away the pitchforks they had at the ready) We’ve been telling everybody that all our lives.

Schlub: I bet!  If I’d known it’d be like this, I’d’ve wished that monster had gotten me years ago!  Except for the body hair – could do without that.

Scenario 6: A possessed doll stalks a family in their apartment

Doll: (Slowly opens the creaking door to a bedroom where the family is hiding; the doll is wielding a butcher knife and grinning sadistically) Trick or treat!  Oh wait, has that been used already?

Relative 1: Now!

(The family members pounce on the doll with a large blanket and take the bundle into the kitchen where they set it on fire in the sink.  As the bundle burns, they hold up all the religious books over the remains; they then scoop up the ashes and take them to a nondenominational cemetery to sprinkle them around a tree to feed new life)

Relative 2: So, what if the ashes reassemble themselves to begin the cycle of evil anew?

Relative 1: The local dog walkers who come through here should take care of that before it becomes a problem.

Scenario 7: The killer is calling from inside the house

Resident: (Answers ringing phone) Mmm-yello?

Killer: Howdy.  I’m upstairs and soon I’ll be coming downstairs to kill you.

Resident: `Kay, thanks for the heads-up.  (Leaves the house)

Killer: (Stands at a upstairs bedroom window, still holding the phone and watching Resident walk down the street while dialing 9-1-1) I probably should revise my script.