Story 465: Election Debate Match

(In a wrestling arena, the Crowds cheer and wave signs with their favorites’ names, likenesses, and slogans)

TV Announcer: (Addressing a camera and straining to be heard over the background roar) Good evening fans, and welcome to the final round of debates in this year’s gubernatorial election.  In the interests of time and attention spans, we are grouping our contestants – I mean, candidates – into pairs of two, with the winner of each debate advancing to the next round; the final winner will be the one elected governor.  Typically, there are no actual winners of debates in their usual format, but since elections are decided by the public anyway, we’ll be using audience feedback on each match – I mean, session – to determine which candidate they like better.  (Turns toward an off-screen disturbance) And it looks we’re beginning now.

(The camera turns to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses both on that area and on the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring)

Ring Announcer: (Unseen voice fills the arena) Good citizens all, welcome to tonight’s FINAL DEBAAAAATE!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, Candidate Numberrrrr Onnnnnnnnneeee!!!!

Crowds: (Cheer and boo simultaneously) Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 1 standing in the entranceway, wearing a business shirt with cutoff sleeves and long athletic shorts, and holding two signs high in the air, one reading “FILIBUSTER” and the other reading “SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS”.  Candidate 1 stands there for a few moments, then walks down the runway while regularly smashing the signs together, pausing a moment to scream at the TV camera that follows his progress to the center of the arena.  After sliding up onto the ring, he tosses the signs into a corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel him off, give him some water, and guide him to a waiting podium; he smiles and waves at the Crowds the entire time)

Ring Announcer: And now – (The camera turns back to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses on both that area and the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring) please welcome, Candidate Numberrrr Twoooooo!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 2 standing in the entranceway, wearing an exercise tank top and business slacks, and holding a basket filled with pins which she grabs bunches of and tosses into the surrounding Crowds.  As she passes the camera she holds up a pin to show that it reads “VOTE FOR ME”, turns it around to show a $100.00 bill attached to the back, winks, and continues tossing pins to the enthusiastic audience until she reaches the center of the arena.  After swinging herself into the ring, she flings the empty basket into another corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel her off, give her some water, and guide her to another waiting podium that faces the one opposite; she has her picture taken multiple times while smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up with the massive Crowds in the background)

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, our Moderatorrrrrrr!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (Wearing a referee outfit and baseball catcher’s protective gear, enters the ring from somewhere in the audience and addresses the Candidates) All right, you two: shake hands; make this a good, clean debate.

Candidates 1 and 2: (Stare at Moderator, then laugh hysterically)

Moderator: Fine, then just make this a good show.

(Candidates 1 and 2 shake hands vigorously while swiveling on a 360° axis to smile at the Crowds surrounding them as cameras flash everywhere; Moderator finally separates them and they return to their podiums, rubbing and flexing their previously shaking hands; the Crowds lower the volume on their screams a smidgen)

Moderator: Now, this first question is for Candidate 1 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(Candidate 1 smiles and waves again; someone in the audience swoons and needs to be carried outside for fresh air)

Moderator: If elected governor, what do you plan to actually do in office?

Candidate 1: (Blinks a few times at Moderator, smile slightly faltering) “Do”?

Moderator: Yes, do.  As in, do.

Candidate 1: …Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do: I’m not gonna steal –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!!

Candidate 1: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and lie, and all-around abuse my position, like my opponent here has done, for the PAST FOUR YEARS!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: Candidate 2, your rebuttal?

Candidate 2: (Smiling extremely broadly) Thank you.  First of all, I would like to point out my humility in going second in these debates even though I am the current Governor and really should have been first in everything.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Candidate 2: Having gotten that out of the way, I also would like to point out that my opponent’s accusations are completely without merit, and also made-up.

Candidate 1: Oh, “made-up,” you say?!  (Waves a hand to an entourage member, who gives him a stack of papers that he then waves in the air) Then what about all these charges on file with the State’s Attorney General’s office, hmmm???  (Cursorily flips through them) Fraud – bribery – ethics violations – obstruction – grand theft auto – and, most egregious of all, LITTERING!?  (Slams the pile of papers onto the podium)

Candidate 2: (Still smiling broadly while addressing the Crowds) Folks, my opponent here like to use a lot fancy words to distract you from the real issues that affect us.  You all know I’m a plain, simple gal, and I tell it like it is, so here goes: my opponent is a dirty rotten liar.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (To Candidate 2) Refrain yourself –

Candidate 1: (Interjecting; to Candidate 2) OK, OK, you want simple words?  (To the Crowds while pointing to Candidate 2) How about this: my opponent is a criminal, a LITERAL!  CRIMINAL!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) Po-ta-to, po-tah-to!

Candidate 1: (Sputtering) That’s – it’s – this isn’t even a situation where that would apply!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) …To-ma-to, to-mah-to!

Moderator: Let’s move on to the next question, this time for Candidate 2 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: If elected to a second term, what do you plan to actually do in office?  An addendum to that question is: aside from the list Candidate 1 so helpfully supplied earlier, what have you actually done in office so far?

Candidate 2: Well, I plan to continue the great work of standing up for the people, and not for certain groups who happen to be my buddies –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!

Candidate 2: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and bought my seat in the State Senate!

Candidate 1: (Is restrained from vaulting over the podium by members of his entourage) You say that to my face!

Candidate 2: (Likewise restrained by members of her entourage) I JUST DID!

(They both break loose from their followers and tackle each other to the floor of the ring, simultaneously trying to wrap their legs around the other’s body in a submission hold while also trying to half-nelson the other’s arms)

Crowds: (Flinging their signs into the air) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Moderator grabs each Candidate by the ear and slowly lifts them to standing as they disentangle their limbs)

Candidates 1 and 2: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow –

Moderator: I declare this debate a draw –

Crowds: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Moderator: Each of you will separately face the winner of the next round, and we’ll take it from there.  If you wind up having to debate each other again, the winner will be whoever annoys me and the voters the least.  (Releases the ears) Clear?

Candidates 1 and 2: (Rubbing their ears, looking down at the floor, and mumbling) Yeah, OK, all right –

Moderator: Fine, now get out of my sight.  (They grab their props and run out of the ring to exit the arena, followed by their entourages trying to give them water; Moderator takes off the catcher’s mask briefly to wipe sweat off forehead) All right, bring on the next set!

TV Announcer: (Back on camera) What an exciting night for the political process, folks.  I, for one, can barely contain my anticipation of the upcoming matches to determine who will be the next leader of this state and, possibly one day, the entire country.  (Listens to an earpiece for several seconds) I’m being told that the next debate will involve a long-time mayor who has fought tirelessly for permanent solutions to complex socioeconomic issues, and some rando who likes to yell at people a lot in the grocery store; naturally, then, this will be a cage match.  (A sign bounces off of TV Announcer’s head, who closes eyes only momentarily in reaction) So, stay tuned!

Story 464: Unexpected Dental Work

 (In a room in Dentist’s office, Patient waits patiently in the reclined exam chair until Dentist arrives)

Dentist: Hello!  I see you’ve had your cleaning and X-rays done, so nothing left for me to do except give you the bad news, eh?  Heh-heh-heh – kidding, I want this over with as much as you.

Patient: Okayyyy….

Dentist: (Holds X-ray films up to the light, shakes head, and “Tsks” several times) Oh dear, oh dear – this won’t do at all.

Patient: (Panicking) What won’t?

Dentist: (Shakes head some more, tosses the films onto a counter, puts on gloves, and turns to Patient with a scraper and small mirror at the ready) I need to see for myself first – open up!  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist dives in, shoving in a suction tool for assistance) Uh-huh, just as I thought.  (Taps a molar with the scraper) You see that right there?

Patient: Gurgle?

Dentist: Oh – here.  (Hands over a larger mirror for Patient to hold during the demonstration) You see that?  (Taps the molar again) That’s no good.

Patient: Naw ooo?

Dentist: No.  Look at that decay, just strolling all over the enamel without so much as a “By your leave”!  And I know you brush and floss every day, so this – (Taps slightly harder, making Patient flinch) is a gross insult to us all.

Patient: (Trying to angle the mirror for a better view) Uk – egh –

Dentist: (Takes away the mirror, presses a buzzer on the wall, and begins prepping the tool tray) Yes-yes-yes: try as we might, build the mightiest fluoride wall, relentlessly scrape plaque off the entire surface area, and all it takes is one bacterium to find the microscopic fault line and let the rest of the invading army in.  Still, we must be resilient in the face of such setbacks.  (A Hygienist enters the room) Hi, thank you for coming back so soon.

Hygienist: Need me again for this patient?

Dentist: Indeed: seems we’re doing a filling today.

Hygienist: (Nods in agreement) Ah yes, there were signs.

Patient: (Sits up in the chair, shaking head vigorously) Mm-mmf!  Mm-mmf!

Dentist: Here, let me.  (Takes out the suction tool and hands it to Hygienist) Feel free to remove that whenever you like, except during the actual procedure, it’ll come in handy then.

Patient: Thanks, but I can’t have a filling, I’ve never had a cavity in my life!

Dentist: (Shrugs) First time for everything.

Patient: You don’t understand: I’m just starting my middle-age phase, and I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY IN MY LIFE.  I can’t start now!

Dentist: Sure you can – I’ve got a whole mouth full of `em myself; they’re actually what led me to my calling.  (Shows the evidence)

Patient: Well, yeah, but that’s expected for your… (Dentist raises an eyebrow) generation.

Dentist: Good save – it’s a minor procedure, probably won’t even have to numb you at all.

Patient: Numb me?!

Dentist: (Chuckles while lightly but firmly shoving Patient back down on the chair) It’ll take less than 10 minutes; you’re lucky I had a cancellation today or else both insurance and I’d’ve had to charge you for a separate visit.

Patient: But – !  (Hygienist shoves the suction tool back into Patient’s mouth as Dentist finishes preparations)

Dentist: (Dives in again and begins the work) You’re also very lucky, you know, to have gone this long without a filling – you can thank improved preventative care and those sealants I see your kiddie dentist put on your molars all those years ago, which are slowly but surely eroding like the sands of time.

Patient: [Whimpers]

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out cement for a vise) Here we go, and press – it – down!

Patient: Nnnnh.

Dentist: Good, that means it’s working.  (Hygienist swaps out the vise for a laser beam) Now to dry that on the gale-force-winds setting, heh-heh-heh.  (The laser buzzes) Oops, missed a spot.  (Hygienist swaps out the laser for more cement; Dentist tamps it down with a mini-jackhammer) Won’t be a minute!

Patient: (Pounded into the chair) Eeeeee!!!

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out the jackhammer for the vise) And again!  (Clamps down on the tooth, the swaps that out for the laser beam again) And back to dry!  (The laser “Bzzzzzzz”s)

Patient: (Teeth rattling) Zzzzzz –

Dentist: (Turns off the laser with a flourish) And we’re done!  (Checks watch) What did I tell you – seven minutes!  Nice bit of work if I may say so myself; how do you feel?

Patient: (Slumps in the chair as Hygienist removes dental accessories) Mmmfff….

Dentist: (Pats Patient’s shoulder) You’ll feel that way for the next half hour – don’t let that stop you from eating lunch later, and now you’ll have an edge on what you ingest, hee-hee!  See you in six months.  (Leaves the room while snapping off gloves into a nearby trashcan)

Hygienist: (Raises the exam chair to a sitting position and helps Patient out of it) Make sure to stop at the front desk on your way out – there might be an extra copay for this.  (Patient stands next to the chair, deep in thought) You OK?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, yeah, just realized something too late.

Hygienist: What, your dental insurance is out-of-network?

Patient: (Shudders) Not even in jest.  No, I just realized that back when I made this appointment six months ago, I really shouldn’t have set it for the day after Halloween.

Story 463: A True Haunting

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The visibly dying plants?  The hibernation-prepping squirrels running all over the place?  The forgotten promise of spring, the lost joy of summer, and the threatening doom of winter?

Friend 1: Well, all that stuff now that you said them, but no, not at the moment, anyway.

Friend 2: Then what?

Friend 1: Ghosts.

Friend 2: You mean Halloween?

Friend 1: Nah, I love Halloween, but its downside is that it raises The Ghost Issue, and frankly I’m tired of it.

Friend 2: Didn’t realize there was a Ghost Issue.  What’s that involve?

Friend 1: Just that a certain percentage of The Living is obsessed with The Ghosts, but nobody really gets what they are.  For example: what do you think a ghost is?

Friend 2: Uh, well, let me think…. I’d have to say the spirit of someone left behind with unfinished business that needs resolving.

Friend 1: (Points briefly to Friend 2) Wrong!  That’s what most people think, and it’s absolute baloney.

Friend 2: OK, if you’re so wise in the ways of the supernatural, then why is that wrong?

Friend 1: Because nobody would ever stick around this mess, possibly for centuries, just to slam some doors shut suddenly or lower the thermostat several degrees or rearrange the furniture ever so slightly to the delight of tourists everywhere.

Friend 2: What about the unfinished business?

Friend 1: There are better ways to point out who knocked you into the spirit world than messing up a sock drawer or whispering a random syllable in the hopes that someone out there is a real-life Sherlock Holmes who has the time and the resources to piece together the rest of it.

Friend 2: Better ways like what?

Friend 1: Spirit possession.

Friend 2: Ew.

Friend 1: And I can’t stand those books and movies where you actually see the ghost walking around and they have full-on conversations with the main character, as if they were still alive but just had invisibility and teleportation superpowers.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone; there’s nothing left for you to do because you’ve moved on to bigger and better, and that’s that!

Friend 2: All right, then how do you explain all those sightings and paranormal experiences so many people’ve had for ages and ages?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Mass hysteria.

Friend 2: Oh, please.

Friend 1: Fine, I admit that sometimes there’s something people see, or hear, or feel – usually it’s the power of suggestion from the ghost tour guide, but my theory is that all that stuff is just… an echo.

Friend 2: What do you mean?

Friend 1: For instance: imagine if someone were, you know, murdered – (Friend 2 double-takes) there’d’ve been a lot of energy expended at the time, and some of that energy didn’t dissipate for whatever-physics reason, and that’s what people are experiencing.  A video on repeat, forever.

Friend 2: Hm.  Maybe.  But what about the non-murder ones?

Friend 1: Huh?

Friend 2: You know, the ones where people say they see ghosts doing everyday things like writing in their diary or walking the dog or napping on the couch?

Friend 1: Oh, those: either they want to see something so badly that they’ll see what they want to see; or they’re seeing someone who’s actually alive and they assume the figure was a ghost; or they took a little mind-altering something earlier and don’t want to admit it.

Friend 2: I guess.  So you basically believe there’s no such thing as what most people think of as ghosts, just echoes of energy, and you don’t like that ghost sightings and what-not increase exponentially this time of year.

Friend 1: Bingo.  Drives me up the wall.

Resident: (Sitting at the table across from them) Excuse me?

Friend 1: (Turns to Resident) What’s up?

Resident: I’ve been watching you two have the same conversation every morning since I moved into this apartment last month, and I wanted to see if it would end differently if I interrupted.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at Resident, then at each other in slowly mounting horror)

Friend 1: Start again then?

Friend 2: Please.

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The –

Resident: (Sighs, then returns to eating a breakfast packet and watching the holographic newsfeed displayed above the table) Just my luck: I move into the one place with a self-referential Echo Issue.