Story 464: Unexpected Dental Work

 (In a room in Dentist’s office, Patient waits patiently in the reclined exam chair until Dentist arrives)

Dentist: Hello!  I see you’ve had your cleaning and X-rays done, so nothing left for me to do except give you the bad news, eh?  Heh-heh-heh – kidding, I want this over with as much as you.

Patient: Okayyyy….

Dentist: (Holds X-ray films up to the light, shakes head, and “Tsks” several times) Oh dear, oh dear – this won’t do at all.

Patient: (Panicking) What won’t?

Dentist: (Shakes head some more, tosses the films onto a counter, puts on gloves, and turns to Patient with a scraper and small mirror at the ready) I need to see for myself first – open up!  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist dives in, shoving in a suction tool for assistance) Uh-huh, just as I thought.  (Taps a molar with the scraper) You see that right there?

Patient: Gurgle?

Dentist: Oh – here.  (Hands over a larger mirror for Patient to hold during the demonstration) You see that?  (Taps the molar again) That’s no good.

Patient: Naw ooo?

Dentist: No.  Look at that decay, just strolling all over the enamel without so much as a “By your leave”!  And I know you brush and floss every day, so this – (Taps slightly harder, making Patient flinch) is a gross insult to us all.

Patient: (Trying to angle the mirror for a better view) Uk – egh –

Dentist: (Takes away the mirror, presses a buzzer on the wall, and begins prepping the tool tray) Yes-yes-yes: try as we might, build the mightiest fluoride wall, relentlessly scrape plaque off the entire surface area, and all it takes is one bacterium to find the microscopic fault line and let the rest of the invading army in.  Still, we must be resilient in the face of such setbacks.  (A Hygienist enters the room) Hi, thank you for coming back so soon.

Hygienist: Need me again for this patient?

Dentist: Indeed: seems we’re doing a filling today.

Hygienist: (Nods in agreement) Ah yes, there were signs.

Patient: (Sits up in the chair, shaking head vigorously) Mm-mmf!  Mm-mmf!

Dentist: Here, let me.  (Takes out the suction tool and hands it to Hygienist) Feel free to remove that whenever you like, except during the actual procedure, it’ll come in handy then.

Patient: Thanks, but I can’t have a filling, I’ve never had a cavity in my life!

Dentist: (Shrugs) First time for everything.

Patient: You don’t understand: I’m just starting my middle-age phase, and I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY IN MY LIFE.  I can’t start now!

Dentist: Sure you can – I’ve got a whole mouth full of `em myself; they’re actually what led me to my calling.  (Shows the evidence)

Patient: Well, yeah, but that’s expected for your… (Dentist raises an eyebrow) generation.

Dentist: Good save – it’s a minor procedure, probably won’t even have to numb you at all.

Patient: Numb me?!

Dentist: (Chuckles while lightly but firmly shoving Patient back down on the chair) It’ll take less than 10 minutes; you’re lucky I had a cancellation today or else both insurance and I’d’ve had to charge you for a separate visit.

Patient: But – !  (Hygienist shoves the suction tool back into Patient’s mouth as Dentist finishes preparations)

Dentist: (Dives in again and begins the work) You’re also very lucky, you know, to have gone this long without a filling – you can thank improved preventative care and those sealants I see your kiddie dentist put on your molars all those years ago, which are slowly but surely eroding like the sands of time.

Patient: [Whimpers]

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out cement for a vise) Here we go, and press – it – down!

Patient: Nnnnh.

Dentist: Good, that means it’s working.  (Hygienist swaps out the vise for a laser beam) Now to dry that on the gale-force-winds setting, heh-heh-heh.  (The laser buzzes) Oops, missed a spot.  (Hygienist swaps out the laser for more cement; Dentist tamps it down with a mini-jackhammer) Won’t be a minute!

Patient: (Pounded into the chair) Eeeeee!!!

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out the jackhammer for the vise) And again!  (Clamps down on the tooth, the swaps that out for the laser beam again) And back to dry!  (The laser “Bzzzzzzz”s)

Patient: (Teeth rattling) Zzzzzz –

Dentist: (Turns off the laser with a flourish) And we’re done!  (Checks watch) What did I tell you – seven minutes!  Nice bit of work if I may say so myself; how do you feel?

Patient: (Slumps in the chair as Hygienist removes dental accessories) Mmmfff….

Dentist: (Pats Patient’s shoulder) You’ll feel that way for the next half hour – don’t let that stop you from eating lunch later, and now you’ll have an edge on what you ingest, hee-hee!  See you in six months.  (Leaves the room while snapping off gloves into a nearby trashcan)

Hygienist: (Raises the exam chair to a sitting position and helps Patient out of it) Make sure to stop at the front desk on your way out – there might be an extra copay for this.  (Patient stands next to the chair, deep in thought) You OK?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, yeah, just realized something too late.

Hygienist: What, your dental insurance is out-of-network?

Patient: (Shudders) Not even in jest.  No, I just realized that back when I made this appointment six months ago, I really shouldn’t have set it for the day after Halloween.

Story 463: A True Haunting

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The visibly dying plants?  The hibernation-prepping squirrels running all over the place?  The forgotten promise of spring, the lost joy of summer, and the threatening doom of winter?

Friend 1: Well, all that stuff now that you said them, but no, not at the moment, anyway.

Friend 2: Then what?

Friend 1: Ghosts.

Friend 2: You mean Halloween?

Friend 1: Nah, I love Halloween, but its downside is that it raises The Ghost Issue, and frankly I’m tired of it.

Friend 2: Didn’t realize there was a Ghost Issue.  What’s that involve?

Friend 1: Just that a certain percentage of The Living is obsessed with The Ghosts, but nobody really gets what they are.  For example: what do you think a ghost is?

Friend 2: Uh, well, let me think…. I’d have to say the spirit of someone left behind with unfinished business that needs resolving.

Friend 1: (Points briefly to Friend 2) Wrong!  That’s what most people think, and it’s absolute baloney.

Friend 2: OK, if you’re so wise in the ways of the supernatural, then why is that wrong?

Friend 1: Because nobody would ever stick around this mess, possibly for centuries, just to slam some doors shut suddenly or lower the thermostat several degrees or rearrange the furniture ever so slightly to the delight of tourists everywhere.

Friend 2: What about the unfinished business?

Friend 1: There are better ways to point out who knocked you into the spirit world than messing up a sock drawer or whispering a random syllable in the hopes that someone out there is a real-life Sherlock Holmes who has the time and the resources to piece together the rest of it.

Friend 2: Better ways like what?

Friend 1: Spirit possession.

Friend 2: Ew.

Friend 1: And I can’t stand those books and movies where you actually see the ghost walking around and they have full-on conversations with the main character, as if they were still alive but just had invisibility and teleportation superpowers.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone; there’s nothing left for you to do because you’ve moved on to bigger and better, and that’s that!

Friend 2: All right, then how do you explain all those sightings and paranormal experiences so many people’ve had for ages and ages?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Mass hysteria.

Friend 2: Oh, please.

Friend 1: Fine, I admit that sometimes there’s something people see, or hear, or feel – usually it’s the power of suggestion from the ghost tour guide, but my theory is that all that stuff is just… an echo.

Friend 2: What do you mean?

Friend 1: For instance: imagine if someone were, you know, murdered – (Friend 2 double-takes) there’d’ve been a lot of energy expended at the time, and some of that energy didn’t dissipate for whatever-physics reason, and that’s what people are experiencing.  A video on repeat, forever.

Friend 2: Hm.  Maybe.  But what about the non-murder ones?

Friend 1: Huh?

Friend 2: You know, the ones where people say they see ghosts doing everyday things like writing in their diary or walking the dog or napping on the couch?

Friend 1: Oh, those: either they want to see something so badly that they’ll see what they want to see; or they’re seeing someone who’s actually alive and they assume the figure was a ghost; or they took a little mind-altering something earlier and don’t want to admit it.

Friend 2: I guess.  So you basically believe there’s no such thing as what most people think of as ghosts, just echoes of energy, and you don’t like that ghost sightings and what-not increase exponentially this time of year.

Friend 1: Bingo.  Drives me up the wall.

Resident: (Sitting at the table across from them) Excuse me?

Friend 1: (Turns to Resident) What’s up?

Resident: I’ve been watching you two have the same conversation every morning since I moved into this apartment last month, and I wanted to see if it would end differently if I interrupted.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at Resident, then at each other in slowly mounting horror)

Friend 1: Start again then?

Friend 2: Please.

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The –

Resident: (Sighs, then returns to eating a breakfast packet and watching the holographic newsfeed displayed above the table) Just my luck: I move into the one place with a self-referential Echo Issue.

Story 462: Campfire Tale of Horror

(Around the evening campfire, Counselor and five Children sit on logs roasting marshmallows)

Child 1: I had so much fun today, it’s gonna be hard falling asleep tonight!

Counselor: Well, it’s a good thing tomorrow’s Sunday then, so you all have a day to recover at home before back to school on Monday.

Child 2: School, ugh!

Children 1-5: Uggghhhh!!!

Counselor: Ingrates.  (Tests a marshmallow with fingertips, then passes around chocolate and crackers for everyone to make s’mores) So!  Since it’s almost Halloween and we’re in the proper setting, would you like to hear a… serious and heartfelt story?

Children 1-5: (All shake their heads and laugh) Nooo!!!

Child 3: We want to hear a scary story!

Counselor: Ah, of course.  (Hastily finishes off the s’more) OK then, what should it be about?  Witches?  Werewolves?  Vampires?  Mummies?  Zombies?  (The Children shake their heads on each one) I’m running out of the classics here, kids.

Child 4: Those are all overdone – we want something really scary!

Child 5: Yeah, something that’ll give us nightmares!

Counselor: You may regret that….

Children 1-5: (Cheering over each other) Tell us a scary story!  Make us scream!  Haunt our dreams!

Counselor: Fine, fine!  If you insist.  (Wipes messy hands and leans forward; Children do likewise) This is a tale to freeze the blood, chill the heart, and send shivers down the spine – good thing we’re all sitting around a nice hot fire, right?

Child 1: Not to be rude, but this sounds like it’s going to be one of those tales that really aren’t that scary anymore.

Counselor: (Gets a devilish look) Oh, just you wait.  I call this –

 THE TALE OF THE UNSTOPPABLE LIFE CHANGES

             Children 1-5: …What?!

            Counselor: Don’t interrupt.

 Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a child, right around your age, who loved life, and was loved by life….

(In black-and-white overtones, Child (who looks like a younger version of Counselor) is skipping down a residential sidewalk in glee)

Child: (Smiling as wide as humanly possible) La, la, la, la, la….

Narrator: Not a care in the world, and knew that all was well and would always be well.  Until, one day –

(The robed figure of Adulthood jumps out from the nearby hedges)

Adulthood: Ta-da!

Child: (Stops skipping, but smile never falters) Why, hello!  And who might you be?

Adulthood: Your future, kid.

Child: Why, whatever could you mean?  I feel so grand about all things all the time, and you look terrible!

Adulthood: Life’ll do that to ya – mind if I sit down?  (Points to a nearby bench)  That surprise entrance did my knees and lungs no favors.

Child: But of course!  Do you also need to lean upon my youthful shoulder?

Adulthood: Not yet, but don’t wander off, either.  (Staggers over to the bench and collapses on it; Child follows and stands nearby)

Child: Do you need a glass of water and a pillow, oh Elder One?

Adulthood: (Wipes sweat from forehead) No!  Now listen up: you’ve had a good run; you were extremely lucky in having a loving family and living in comfortable, healthy surroundings; but all that’s done and it’s time for you to pupate into the horrors of puberty to reach your final destination of end-stage adult.

Child: (Still smiling; blinks once) I don’t follow.

Adulthood: Now, I’m not saying that I’m what you’re going to turn into, but judging by your parents, peers, and current trajectory, it’s pretty likely.  Scratch that: almost guaranteed.

Child: I know this sounds cold and disrespectful, but you appear to be an absolute failure.

Adulthood: In one.

Child: Then how could I possibly resemble you in any way once I have emerged from my glorious life cocoon?  I’m getting such good grades in school, and have such great friends, and I’m doing so well in basketball, and I just made finals in our geography tournament this year –

Adulthood: Kid.

Child: Yes?

Adulthood: I’m torn on whether to laugh or cry right now – either of which, I assure you, would be done most hysterically.

Child: Whyever is that?

Adulthood: At the end of the day, all your grades and activities and school-age achievements will mean bupkis: your success or failure in life will depend primarily on who you know, being in the right place at the right time, and putting in exorbitantly much more work than the person next to you.

Child: (Turns to the empty space next to both of them, then back to Adulthood; smile starts to falter) Huh?

Adulthood: And even if you’re lucky enough to be what this society deems “a success,” you’ll never be able to enjoy it: if the stress doesn’t destroy you, your neglect of your family if they still speak to you, any friends you might have left, life partner if you snag one, and/or any actual kids of your own, and their resentment of you in turn, will make you wonder why on Earth anybody does anything.

Child: (Smile fades further) What?

Adulthood: Oh, speaking of kids: your body’s going to start all those lovely life changes soon so you’ll be able to pop out another version of yourself, at least in theory; even if you don’t wind up going through with it, doesn’t matter, hormones and body transformation’re on their way, so kiss your last moments of unblemished happiness good-bye, `cause you are never getting them back.

Child: (Starting to whimper) Umm….

Adulthood: But, as much as you’re going to dislike your new form with its useless excess hair and pimples and glands that seem to do more harm than good, you’d better take special care of it with healthy food, regular exercise, a full night’s sleep, and regular doctor check-ups, or else your eventual “golden” years will be absolute torture, with no reprieve except the final one, and who would actually want to wish for that?!

Child: (Begins to cry) Why are you saying all these mean things?

Adulthood: They’re not mean, they’re just true.  At least now you’re prepared, right?  (Stands as Child cries harder) Oh, almost forgot: everything that is so much fun for you right now, all your joys and pleasures and good times, will slowly, inexorably, one-by-one, become… BORING.

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Children 1-5: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Camp Director: (Jogs over to the group as Children 1-5 stop screaming) What is going on here?!  Is anyone hurt?!

Counselor: Oh no, just telling them a spooky story, no big deal, right, kids?

Camp Director: (Sees Children 1-5 nodding with wide eyes and shivering) Must’ve been a doozy.  All right, everyone come back to your tents, it’s bedtime! 

(They shakily gathering their belongings; Counselor wiggles both arms in a mock scare at them, making them laugh in relief as they walk back to their tents with Camp Director.  Counselor chuckles a bit before turning back to extinguish the fire and clean up the site.  Suddenly, a twig snaps; Counselor freezes, sensing there are others nearby, waiting.  Feeling a chill, Counselor slowly turns around to face the surrounding woods.  Standing at the tree line, not 10 feet away, are a Witch, a Werewolf, a Vampire, a Mummy, and a Zombie)

Counselor: (Gulps) Ummm….

Vampire: (Steps forward cautiously) On behalf of my fellows, we wanted to know: that was only a story to scare the children, yes?

Counselor: …Ye-es, only a story, all in the spirit of the season.

(The others visibly relax and laugh in relief)

Mummy: Oh good, we were worried for a moment there that it was true!

Zombie: Or at the very least, a petrifying allegory!

Witch: That would have been a real horror, let me tell you!

(They all cackle uproariously; Counselor forces out a few laughs, and they all wave farewell as the group turns back to the woods.  Counselor shakily turns back to finish cleaning up and is met by Werewolf, who instantly appears opposite from where the rest of the group had been)

Werewolf: (Speaking in a growl) I must say, even though that was all made-up, you humans sure are a scary bunch!

Counselor: (Laughs nervously very loudly, then suddenly sobers and looks inwardly) That we are.