(In a
suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers,
Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and
friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing
set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)
Guest 1:
(Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three
children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a
federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count
it as one of the few paid holidays we get.
I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?
Guest 2: …I
think you’re missing the point.
Guest 1:
Probably. (Sits up abruptly to yell at
the children in the pool) Knock it off!
Guest 3: (In
the pool) Why, what’d we do?!
Guest 1: You
know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!
Guest 3: But
how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!
Guest 1: By
the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you
to stop!
Guest 3: Aw,
nuts. (The three children start doing
laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging
about)
Guest 1:
(Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink. (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink
lemonade)
Guest 2: I’ll
say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.
Guest 4:
(Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY! (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT
drink from that hose! (The children
blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING
OVER THERE! (The children drop the hose
and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)
Guest 2: (To
Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.
(Suddenly,
loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the
backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean
over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror
image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)
Host: (Scans
the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 1:
(Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the
fence) Hey there, neighbor! Happy 4th
of July!
Host: Same to
you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please? It’s drowning out ours.
Neighbor 1:
Oh, sure. (Gestures to a guest to turn
down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having
their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other
out at some point.
Host:
What?! I thought I was the only
one having mine five days early! Why is
no one having their party actually on the 4th this year?!
Neighbor 1:
Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?
(Suddenly,
loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two
players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over
the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror
image of the other two yards)
Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 2:
(Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey;
`sup?
Host: Could
you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!
Neighbor 2:
Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing,
and this is the volume where they like it.
Host:
Oh. Never mind then, I guess.
Neighbor 2:
Much appreciated…. (Floats away on a
rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)
(Suddenly,
loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players;
Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side
fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of
the other three yards)
Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t
talk now, got the burgers on. Need to
keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.
Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done
well, honey.
Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.
Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all
can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same
time?!
Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the
thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of
them out so I can concentrate. (Freezes
in horror) I flipped five of these too early!
(Frantically flips them back)
Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the
dial just a tad, just a smidgen –
Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!
Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.
(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s
backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)
Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?
Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to
fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO! I mean yes, but NO! What do you think you’re doing?!
Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s
not even sunset yet, come on!
Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard
right next to another house,” don’t you?!
Host: Yeah, that too! (Turns
to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for
them to be moved to the front yard)
Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some
livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not
now?” Got enough to go non-stop for 12
hours anyway, so no harm.
Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You
setting off fireworks now? Great idea!
Host: No it is not! Now is not
the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!
Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn
on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?
Host: NOT NOW! (Guest 6
immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)
Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of
you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers. (Other guests from that party also peer coldly
over that side of the fence)
Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They
started it!
Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word)
Neighbors. (Lowers back down behind the
fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns
up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)
Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!
Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the
rest of us have to look out for our own!
Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that
that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too! (Lowers back down behind the fence; several
seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks
start going off overhead)
Neighbor 1: Party on! (Lowers
back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard
turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)
Host: Fine! If you all insist
on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then
there’s no point in me not being one either!
(Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing
Guest 6 on the way)
Guest 6: Food…?
Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re
doing fireworks now!
Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.
Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street
and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!
(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much
of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out
to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on
the corner)
Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a
pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some
potato salad, or orzo?
Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors
and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with
all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each
other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down. Plus all your other neighbors say the competing
music’s too dang loud.
Host: Ah. (Sets down the
candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies,
then.
Police Officer: You suppose correctly. (Host assists Police Officers with loading
the remaining fireworks into the four cars)
Enjoy your barbecue. (The cars
drive away)
Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4th.
Guest 6: It’s not the 4th yet.
Host: We’re clearly observing it today! (Returns to the backyard where the rest of
the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams
the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the
other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have
ended for this year.
Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears
will be ringing for the rest of the week.
(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the
back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)
Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?
Host: Yeah – you?
Neighbor 1: Yeah.
Neighbor 2: Yeah.
Neighbor 3: Yeah.
(All four stare at each other for a few moments)
Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.
