Story 488: Dramatic Irony in Action

[Scene: A private detective’s office, 1930s New York City.  The lone detective sits at his desk, staring at the cityscape out the window and sucking on a candy cigarette]

Detective: (Voiceover) <Nighttime in The Big City.  How I loathe this cesspool of crime, this limbo of lost souls, this… (Rubs an arm across the pane of the partially open window) factory of filthy windows.  The only thing that keeps me here in perpetual perdition is my innate, unerring, unceasing sense of justice.  How I loathe that, too.>

(A silhouette rushes up to the office door’s mostly opaque pane of glass; Detective turns around sharply as the figure in the hallway rapidly bangs on the door)

Detective: (Voiceover) <A knock on the door, after hours.  Can only mean one thing: Trouble, with a capital “T”.  And a capital “R”, “O”, “U” – >

Reader: Hello?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Come in, Danger.>

Reader: I know you’re in there; can I come in, please?!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Guess I forgot to say that first bit out loud.> (Takes out the candy cigarette to yell) Come in!  (Voiceover) <Danger.>

Reader: (Rattles the doorknob) The door’s locked!

Detective: (Voiceover) <Right: I’d locked that to keep out Danger.>  (Walks wearily to the door, unlocks it, and lets in Reader who collapses onto a chair, out of breath) So, what brings you to my humble rat hole, Factory Worker?

Reader: Huh? (Looks down at outfit of sweater and jeans) Oh yeah, guess I don’t look like your typical Dame in Distress.  Or is it Broad?

Detective: (Locks the door again and resumes sucking on the candy cigarette) Whatever pleases you.  I don’t judge who comes through my door, long as they’ve got a cause to tug at the heartstrings and the dough to back it up.

Reader: (Stands) Right, so: not here about that –

Detective: Then you have five seconds to convince me not to throw you out this window.

Reader: We’re on the ground floor, so I’m not too concerned.

Detective: Corrupt landlord of a corrupt system: I specifically requested digs with a view of the tops of the more modest skyscrapers for me to brood upon life’s miseries, and instead I get horn-blaring taxicabs and littering pedestrians.  It’s a wonder I close cases at all in this milieu.

Reader: Can’t help that, but I’m actually here to do you a favor.

Detective: (Voiceover) < Favors don’t come cheap, and this scrappy ne’er-do-well looks to be driving a hard bargain; only question is, how much of my soul am I willing to sell – >

Reader: Since you’re now staring off into space I assume you’re in the middle of a rambling internal monologue that ultimately leads nowhere.

Detective: …You assume rightly.

Reader: Well knock it off: I came here to warn you that you’re in incredible danger!

Detective: Just a moment, please.  (Places the candy cigarette in an ashtray and turns up blaring saxophone music) Need to set the mood – you were saying?  (Perches casually on the edge of the desk)

Reader: (Shouting over the music) I was saying that your life is in danger!

Detective: Life is danger –

Reader: What?!

Detective: Fine.  (Turns off the music) I said, life is danger: it’s the deal we sign up for when we’re thrust literally screaming into this harsh, brutal world.  Unwillingly, I might add.

Reader: Yeah, well, this is a little more specific danger right now: you remember the gangster-you’ve-been-trying-to-outwit-forever’s second-in-command’s cousin’s drinking buddy who you tossed into a dumpster during the alley fight four chapters – I mean, two days ago?

Detective: (Thinks for a few moments) Oh, that little pipsqueak?  Had a fresh mouth, matched only by a pretty sharp toothpick?  Sure I remember tossing his keister out of my way in that brawl for the truth; why?

Reader: Let’s just say I have it on good authority that the pipsqueak’s got it in for you, so you’d better, you know, watch your 6:00.

Detective: (Checks watch) No, it’s 11:45.

Reader: Pipsqueak’s literally gunning for you, dude!  Any minute now, he’s gonna burst in here and give you the what for!

Detective: Not quite following your lingo, but sounds like Pipsqueak’s got my number and wants to cash in my chips for me the hard way.

Reader: Yes!  That!  (Collapses back onto the chair)

Detective: And how, exactly, did you come by this useful information?  Maybe Pipsqueak sent you here as a double-bluff, I wonder!

Reader: No, nothing here’s ever that convoluted: let’s just say I… know things.

Detective: Do you indeed.

Reader: Yes, and I know that Pipsqueak’s planning to come here tonight, at exactly midnight, and literally remove you from the scene in revenge for the humiliating dumpster dive!

Detective: Is that so?  You seem to know an awful lot about it for someone claiming not to be in league with that nobody.

Reader: I know enough that you should get out of here in… (Leans over to peer at Detective’s watch) less than five minutes.  If you value your life.

Detective: I do, but that’s beside the point right now.  (Reaches into a desk drawer and takes out a peashooter to train on Reader) Right now, I feel like I’m being served a load of flimflam that I want to return to the chef, and maybe I really should consider you the threat, instead of little Mr. Featherweight.

Reader: (Stands slowly with hands slightly raised) Listen, I’m trying to prevent a tragedy here – you had no idea this guy was coming for you until I showed up, and now you do, so you need to get your caboose in gear and split!

Detective: (Also stands) Well, I think that this is all a bunch of hooey you made up just so you could get to my mother’s pearls!

Reader: What?

Detective: What?

Reader: I don’t care about those, I’m trying to save your life!

Detective: Aha!  So you admit you know about them!

Reader: No – well I do, but –

Detective AH!  HA!

Reader: Listen, I know everything about your weird little life, OK!  I know about your childhood in the surprisingly comfortable orphanage; I know about your one summer as a carnie barker; I know about your tragic coming-of-age in the trenches of World War I –

Detective: (Gasps) ONE?!  There’s gonna be more?!

Reader: – I know about your heartbreak when the one true love of your life ran off with the one true best friend of your life; I know about your only really solving one case with the others being lost to moral ambiguity; I know about it all.

Detective: (Chews on lip while pondering this) Are you an actual witch?  Because it’s all right now: you’d only get prison time instead of the stake.

Reader: No!  I can only say… your life is an open book to me.

Detective: Ha!  I’m read by no one!

Reader: Wanna bet?

(The door bursts open with Pipsqueak’s arrival, another peashooter at the ready)

Pipsqueak: Gotcha!  You – oh sorry, didn’t realize you had a guest.

Reader: Ah, fiddlesticks.

Detective: Pipsqueak?!

Pipsqueak: What in the – ?  No, my name is Charles, and I’m calling you out!

Detective: Fine, go ahead!

Pipsqueak: I just – I just did.

Reader: Get outta here, man, you’re ruining everything!

Pipsqueak: Absolutely not!  Not after what this busybody-with-airs did to me!  I’ll never get that dumpster smell out of my hair and skin, never!

Reader: Yeah, you’re right: it’s pretty bad.

Detective: You had it coming!  But you’ll never catch me alive, do you hear me?!  No one will ever catch me alive, ahahahahaha!  (Turns around and jumps out the window)

Pipsqueak: (Falls to his knees and tilts head back to face the ceiling) NOOOOOOOOOOOO – !

Reader: Easy there, buddy – he just hailed a cab and drove off.

Pipsqueak: (Tilts head back forward) Oh right; forgot I didn’t climb any stairs to get here.  This place really is a dump, isn’t it?

Reader: You’re telling me.

Pipsqueak: (Stands and brushes off pants) Well, guess there’s no point in continuing my revenge spree if he’s just gonna keep jumping out windows every time I show up; I’m going back to the poker game I was losing to go do this.  (Leaves)

Reader: Yes!  Success!  (Looks around the empty office) Wait a minute: there’s still 150 pages left in this thing.

Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.