Story 485: When Meet-Cute Fails

(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)

Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something?  I wanna have a meet-cute.

Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?

Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing.  I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat.  And weekends are extended nights.  And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine.  It’s boring!

Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks.  So what’s the other thing?

Protagonist 1: What?  Oh, no, that pretty much covers it.  (Slurps again)

Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?

Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.

Protagonist 2: Yeech.

Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!

Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech.  Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.

Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I?  Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.

Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail?  No one there really wants to talk to the customers!

Protagonist 1: Nonsense!  Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely.  (Walks to the counter)

Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.

Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!

Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?

Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa.  You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?

Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –

Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.

Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –

Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.

Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –

Protagonist 2: Told you.  You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.

Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross.  It’s fine, I’ll think of something.

Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.

 THE NEXT DAY

(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)

Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!!  Why – >  WHOA!  (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts!  (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it!  (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence!  “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –

Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?!  I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –

Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness.  (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)

Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –

Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.

Driver: You –

Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.

Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car.  (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)

Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly.  (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)

Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –

(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)

Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery!  (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets!  The rest of you, down!

Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!

Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme!  (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)

Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!

(Everyone freezes in confusion)

Bank Robber 1: What?  No; who said anything about hostages?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out!  None of that taking-someone-home mess!

Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!

Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey!  Leave me out of this!

Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!

Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?

Bank Robber 1: Huh?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.

Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher?  You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –

Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.

Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.

Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!

Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!!  (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU!  Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here!  (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!

Customers and Employees: NO!

Bank Robber 1: Fair enough.  (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)

Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!

Bank Robber 1: Drat.

(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)

Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!

Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)

Protagonist 2: Wow.  Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.

Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.

Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad.  (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow.  You know, we had a meet-cute.

Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?

Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket.  It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register.  I never forgot it.

Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that.  Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid.  Turns out you also were fun to be around.

Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.

Protagonist 1: Yeah....

Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.

Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?

Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.

Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?

Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”

Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.

Story 484: Get Me to the Plane on Time

 (In a mega airport, Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 stand on the serpentine security line that spans two wings of the terminal)

Passenger 1: (Constantly leaning to each side to look ahead as the line slightly shuffles forward every 30 seconds) Oooh, it’s barely moving, and I think the section ahead of us has gotten longer!

Passenger 2: (Watching a heartwarming kitten video on a phone, not looking up) Relax: long as it’s moving.  (Still watches the video as everyone advances 5 inches)

Passenger 1: Barely!  (Checks watch) We’ll be lucky if we make it to our gate before the plane takes off, and we got here three hours ago!

Passenger 2: No big deal – they all know the line here is extra-long, they’ll hold the plane.

Passenger 1: No they won’t!  They’ll just tell us we should’ve gotten here last night!  (Sees an airport security officer pulling the retractable belt from one nearby stanchion to another, extending the line they are one just as they were about to make the next turn closer to the checkpoint, and points at the belt in accusation) See?!  See?!  We just got an hour added to our wait time!

Passenger 2: (Chuckling at the cute video) Heh-heh-heh – what?  (Finally looks up and sees the newly extended line) Eh; it happens.  (Returns to the video and blocks out the world again)

Passenger 1: That tears it!  (Leans over the line’s retractable belt a bit and holds out a boarding pass to get the attention of a passing employee) Excuse me, hard-working worker?

Security Officer 1: (Stops) You have five seconds to state your case.

Passenger 1: We’ve been on this never-ending line for hours and our plane leaves in less than 30 minutes.

Security Officer 1: (Peers at the boarding pass) Yeah, that’s pretty much the theme of the millennium.

Passenger 1: I normally don’t like to make a fuss –

Passenger 2: (Back to not looking up) Sure you do.

Passenger 1: – but as you can see, we probably won’t be through this line until at least tomorrow, and there’s a slight chance the plane won’t still be here by then.

Security Officer 1: Gotcha.  (Lifts up one side of the belt for the two to pass through) Follow me, please.

Everyone Else on Line: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Security Officer 1: They’ve served their time!

Everyone Else on Line: Grumble – mutter – rhubarb –

(Security Officer 1 guides Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 to the checkpoint where they show their IDs and deposit their carry-on bags, shoes, jackets, and phones onto the conveyor belt for the luggage scanner as they walk through the body scanners)

Security Officer 2: (To Passenger 1 as the body scanner goes off) Step over here, please.

Passenger 1: (Still holding hands above head) What?!  What?!

Security Officer 2: Pardon me?

Passenger 1: (Whispers) I meant, “What?”

Security Officer 2: Have to do a brief pat-down of your left leg that set off the scanner.

Passenger 1: We all know that I moved too early and the thing’s super-sensitive!

Security Officer 2: You want this to turn into a body cavity search?  `Cause I don’t.

Passenger 1: Please proceed with your original plan.

Security Officer 2: (After a brief pat-down of the left leg) All good, thank you, get out of here.

Passenger 1: (Quickly trots away) Thank you for keeping us all safe!  (Reaches the conveyor belt and suddenly stops, staring at the end where everyone’s belongings appear) Where are my shoes?

Security Officer 3: (Holds up a messenger bag) This your bag?

Passenger 1: Yessss….

Security Officer 3: I have to search it since the scanner couldn’t see through to what you have in here.

Passenger 1: For the love of – please proceed.

Security Officer 3: (Opens the bag and uses a stick to move items around) Looks all right, but your wallet was blocking everything else – you have a lot of change in there?

Passenger 1: (Grabs shoes and starts putting them on) Yes, I have 97¢ in pennies.

Security Officer 3: Seriously?

Passenger 1: Everyone wants exact change!

Security Officer 3: (Hands back the bag) Not in pennies – enjoy your flight.

Passenger 1: (Takes the bag and puts on jacket) No one ever does!  But thanks.  (Finds Passenger 2 sitting on a nearby bench, still watching kitten videos) And where were you this whole time?!

Passenger 2: Here.  The employee who helped us earlier said we can catch a shuttle bus outside that’ll take us to the gate in… (Checks watch) less than five minutes.

Passenger 1: (Also checks watch) Probably’ll get there in time to see the plane take off, but let’s go!

(They follow signs for the exit to the intra-airport shuttle bus; once outside, they descend a staircase to the tarmac and join a group of passengers waiting)

Passenger 1: (To one of the group) You waiting for the bus to Gate 1,372?

Passenger 3: Yeah, but I’m heading for Gate 954 – should drop us off somewhere near both.

Passenger 1: (Starts bouncing lightly on feet while peering in the distance for the bus) We’re not gonna make it in time….

Passenger 3: I wouldn’t worry; flights are always delayed.

Passenger 1: And yet the door’ll be slammed shut right on time!  Maybe.

Passenger 3: We should be in luck – I heard the employee on the bus used to be a race car driver.

Passenger 1: Huh?

(The group turns as one as a squeal of tires announces an accordion bus wildly rounding the corner and skidding to a screeching halt in front of them)

Bus Driver: (After the door opens) No time to waste; get-in-get-in-get-in!

Passenger 4: (In a wheelchair) Excuse me, do you have – ?

Bus Driver: Yes!  (Already had started the mechanism for the wheelchair lift to descend; squeezes past the boarding passengers to exit the bus, grabs the wheelchair, hauls Passenger 4 onto the lift, runs back into the bus, and retracts the lift so Passenger 4 can board)

Passenger 4: (Wheels to an open space in the seating area) How… efficient.

Bus Driver: (After the last passenger has boarded) Everyone in? 

Passengers: Yes.

Bus Driver: (Flings the door shut) Right – AND AWAY WE GO!  (Floors it)

Child Passengers: YAYYYYY!!!!!!

Adult Passengers: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Passenger 1: (Looking green) No fair; I’m not supposed to feel airsick before the flight!

Passenger 2: (Holds onto a railing with one hand and the phone with the other) All part of the adventure, I guess.

(The bus screeches through twists and turns, avoiding planes and ground crew with inches to spare, then slams to a halt several minutes later)

Bus Driver: (Opens the door and prepares the wheelchair lift) This is your stop – off you go!

Passenger 1: (On the way out) Do you know how close we are to Gate 1,3 –

Bus Driver: All I know is the road – OUT! (Passenger 1 runs down the steps) Got another bunch of sad sacks waiting for me at the next stop; it never ends!  (Retracts the lift after Passenger 4 disembarks, closes the door, and screeches and bounces away down the tarmac)

Passenger 1: (Catches up to Passenger 2 on a staircase leading back into the airport) Great – now what?

Passenger 2: Follow everyone else back inside and find signs for the gates.

Passenger 1: Oh yeah.  (They re-enter the terminal and find signs for the gates)  Yes!  (Points to the corresponding sign) It’s right down this hallway!  (Begins to run past the pop-up stores and food stands)

Passenger 2: (Walking with the phone ahead) Sweet.

(They reach the end of the hallway)

Passenger 1: (Starts spinning in a circle) Gate 1,371… Gate 1,373… Where’s 1,372?!

Passenger 2: Maybe it’s invisible.

Passenger 1: (Stares) If you don’t start helping me look in about two seconds, I, a full-grown adult, will sit down right here on this semi-dirty floor and start crying like a baby, I swear.

Passenger 2: (Looks up briefly and gestures with the phone) Sign says it’s downstairs.

Passenger 1: (Turns around to see the sign, then turns back) Well that’s just nonsensical gate placement.  (They run down the escalator, pass the empty seats in the waiting area, and arrive at the boarding desk)

Passenger 1: (Holds out the boarding pass, which is extremely rumpled now) Hello, yes, we’re here with – (Checks watch) one minute to spare, so you must let us on board.  Every single employee in this building can tell you the tremendous lines we’ve had to deal with – not that I’m complaining.

Gate Agent: Didn’t you hear the announcements?  Flight’s been cancelled, but I can help you book a new flight for tomorrow.

Passenger 2: (Without looking up) Heh-heh-heh.

Gate Agent: I also can help book a hotel for you to stay tonight.

Passenger 1: …That’s OK, we’ll wait right here.