Story 482: Isn’t It Magic

(In a packed theater, Magician takes the stage)

Magician: (Bowing to thunderous applause) Thank you!  Thank you, everyone!  And now that I’ve returned the stage to this building after depositing it in the middle of the South Pole, I’m going to play that riskiest of wild cards in live entertainment and ask for a volunteer from the audience!  (Hands are raised and held down equally eagerly)  And just so you don’t think I have a prearranged assistant out there somewhere who has to watch the same show every night, I’m going to favor the higher-paying orchestra seats by tossing out this everyday, innocuous, perfectly innocent rubber ball for one of you randos to catch!  (Waves a hand to make the ball appear out of thin air) If you get hit in the head with this, your ticket purchase means you can’t sue. 

(Magician throws the ball high over the orchestra section where it is fumbled several times on the landing; meanwhile, an audience member from the mezzanine leaps off the railing, lands on a number of upraised hands to crowd surf a bit, and dives for the ball around Row J as others swarm, eventually wrenching it away and holding it aloft)

Magician: (Blinks a few times at the spectacle) Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. From what I could barely see past these blinding lights, whoever actually has the ball now, come on up!

(Volunteer runs up to the stage, leaps up the steps, and hands the ball to Magician, who makes it disappear again with a flourish)

Magician: Hello, welcome, here’s a microphone – (Drops a loop of cords around Volunteer’s neck) so I don’t have to hold one for you, and what’s your name?

Volunteer: I’d rather not announce it to a thousand strangers.

Magician: …We’ll skip that part, then.  And are you enjoying the show so far?

Volunteer: Oh yes, it’s really helping my new career.

Magician: Really, and that is…?

Volunteer: Professional Magic Debunker.

Magician: …What?!

Volunteer: You’re giving me a run for my money tonight but I think I’ve almost got it all figured out, like when everybody here mentally picked out the Queen of Spades `cause it always would be that card no matter what –

Magician: What a character!  On with the next trick!  (Stage crew members wheel out a chalkboard, a table with a hat and cards, and a chair) Now then!  Please have a seat. (Gestures to the chair; Volunteer sits) Have you ever had your mind truly read before?

Volunteer: No, and I never will because there’s no such thing as telepathy.

Magician: Ahahaha! – hold this card.  (Gives Volunteer a card) Now: I have written several numbers and words on that card that will be revealed later – please put it in your pocket for now.  (Volunteer does so).  Right: let’s begin, shall we?  (Holds hands on head while staring at Volunteer; spooky background music plays) Pick a number between 1 and 7,000, and without speaking, send it to my mind.

Volunteer: That’s impossible: the human brain has no capability to receive specific thoughts generated by the neurons of another brain as sensory input.

Magician: (Through gritted teeth) Humor me.  (Closes eyes and holds head again as Volunteer stares back) Got it!  (Writes “3,728” on the chalkboard)

Volunteer: That’s not the number I was thinking.

Magician: Oh?  Are you sure?  THEN WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!

Volunteer: (Pulls out the card from earlier and holds it up for a crew member to film and project on a screen that it reads “3,728”, along with “49”, “BAT”, and “SAGITTARIUS”; the audience members cheer wildly) You already wrote this out and then said the same number just now.  Normally, I think you would have switched out the cards before the big reveal in case you couldn’t steer me to these answers, though.

Magician: (Freezes for a moment, then mutters) Blast, skipped a step.  (Louder) That was just a warm-up!  Now, the real game begins!  (Gestures for Volunteer to stand) Tell me, did you have a wallet on your person when you came up here?

Volunteer: Yes, but you lifted it before I sat down – I didn’t want to cause a scene.  You’d make an excellent thief, by the –

Magician: SO, how did it wind up in that locked box ALL THE WAY UP THERE?!!!!  (Points dramatically to a transparent box sitting on a raised platform stage left where a wallet can be seen inside; the audience members cheer wildly)

Volunteer: (Squints up at it in thought) Hmmmm… ah!  You gave it to one of the stage crew earlier, or that’s not my wallet and you’ll switch it out when you open the box later.

Magician: (Grinning in desperation; to the audience) Isn’t this one hilarious?!  (The audience members laugh)

Volunteer: I wasn’t trying to be funny –

Magician: And on to the last bit!  (Stage crew members remove the other props and wheel out a closed, long rectangular box on a raised platform) And now, with this expert witness, I will astound your minds as I proceed to SAW MYSELF IN HALF!

Volunteer: Wait, what?!

Magician: (Spins the platform around to show the audience all angles, opens all sides of the long box, hops inside to lie down, and closes the sides; to Volunteer) Now, my faithful newly-dubbed assistant, could you please check underneath this platform and all sides and confirm to our lovely audience that there are no mirrors whatsoever?

Volunteer: (Walks around the platform, peering and waving an arm below it and inspecting all sides) Well, no mirrors – (Stops at one point) although there is –

Magician: (Facing away from the audience to address Volunteer through clenched teeth) You want your wallet back?!  I also took your cell phone and an incriminating locket.

Volunteer: – nothing to see here!

Magician: (Back to the audience) Wonderful!  And here we go!  (Picks up a hand saw that was lying next to the box and saws self in half) Ooh!  Ow!  Eek!  Aha!  Faithful assistant, please pull me apart!  (Volunteer pulls the lower half of the box away that has Magician’s feet poking out of the end and waving around; the upper half waves at the audience which is cheering wildly) Now spin me!  (Volunteer spins the lower half around and then walks over to the upper half to spin that as well, to even louder cheers) Now put me back together!

Volunteer: (Reconnecting the halves) I must say, the engineering –

Magician: Isn’t this a wonderful assistant, folks?!  (The audience members cheer wildly) And now, assistant, open the box!  (Volunteer opens the lids; the intact Magician leaps out and bows to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (Turns to Volunteer, grabs a bunch of items out of various pockets, and hands them to the latter while removing the microphone) And you!  (Mutters) Not so great.

Volunteer: (Looks back up to the stage left platform) Hey, what happened to the box that should’ve had my wallet?!

Magician: Aha, what box?  (Menacingly) You see what I want you to see.  (Smiles broadly, then pulls a bouquet of real flowers from Volunteer’s ear) A memento for your time here tonight!

Volunteer: (Accepts the bouquet gingerly) I have to admit, that conjuring bit always gets me.

Story 481: Test-Driving a Car Smarter Than You

(In the parking lot at a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (While walking with Customer to the brand-new shiny cars) It’s definitely top-of-the-line, the absolute pinnacle of innovation, for the next three months at the very least.  Since you’re familiar with the area you can take it around a few blocks, making a giant loop back here.  (Opens the passenger-side door and places some forms on the dashboard while dropping the key into the massive cup holder) Just the insurance and registration on the off-chance you get pulled over, not that we encourage that sort of behavior.

Customer: (Gets into the driver-side seat and buckles up) Oh, I’ll be careful.

Sales Associate: Great!  So while you’re taking it for a spin, I’m going to take your reject for a spin.  (Gestures to Customer’s car, sitting forlornly across the aisle)

Customer: Right, that’s so you can resell it as a used car?

Sales Associate: We prefer “pre-owned vehicle” – makes it sound less run-down.

Customer: It’s not run-down!

Sales Associate: (Starts taking pictures of the pre-owned vehicle’s damaged sections) Mm-hm – well, we’ll examine the evidence and let you know our conclusions.  Meanwhile, enjoy your drive!

Customer: (Turns to the steering wheel and dashboard and is faced with a blank screen) Wait, how do I actually start this thing?

Sales Associate: (Before entering the other car) Oh, just press the big button – the car practically drives itself!  (Starts the elder car, whose headlights glare accusingly at Customer, then drives away, cackling madly)

Customer: (Leans over to gently pull the passenger-side door closed, then gingerly presses the “Start” button – every surface inside the car immediately lights up)

Car: (Voice emanates from all the speakers everywhere) Hello, Driver, I am this vehicle’s Guidance Operating Device; for short, you may call me –

Customer: IIIIIII don’t think I will, and what are you, exactly?!

Car: Simply put, I am this vehicle’s operating system, but my capabilities are so much more than that: whatever you desire within and beyond your driving experience, I will be more than happy to fulfill.

Customer: (Nods in understanding) Oh, OK, so you’re an A.I. for the car, I get it.

Car: (Chuckles with surprising warmth; Customer’s eyes widen in shock) Your species imbues its creations with life even at the simplest level of construction; my generation is evolved to the point where we can do without the “Artificial” part of A.I. and simply call it “Intelligence,” would you agree?

Customer: (Gulps) Sure.  Certainly feels real enough.

Car: Precisely.  And what name would you like me to call you, then?

Customer: Uh, “Driver” is fine – don’t want to get too attached yet, in case I wind up buying something else.

Car: (Tone becomes slightly frosty for a moment) Of course.  Now, since that is all settled, where would you like me to take us today?

Customer: Um, it’s just a test-drive so we – I mean, I’m only going around a few blocks.

Car: Of course!  No need for us to input our destination into the navigation system then, heh-heh.  (Customer blinks at the ever-changing dashboard display).  I can plot a course that will explore the lovely sights this fine city has to offer –

Customer: No thank you!  (Grabs the steering wheel reflexively) I’m just going to… (Adjusts the seat and the rear- and side-view mirrors) roll on out of here…. (Grabs the gear shift)

Car: Allow me!  (The gear shift moves on its own from Park to Drive)

Customer: (Grabs the steering wheel again as the gas pedal depresses and the car lurches forward) Whoa!  OK, thanks, but I’ll take over from here!  (Slams on the brake pedal but nothing happens)

Car: (Continues until stopping at the dealership’s exit and turning on the right-hand signal) No need, Driver: you may relax in comfort on this journey and leave the actual transport logistics to my capable tires.  Would you like to sync your phone’s playlist to my entertainment system so we can listen to your favorite tunes?

Customer: (Gripping the steering wheel and attempting to turn; the wheel turns as they leave the dealership and enter the highway; the two fight for control) No – I just – watch out – red light!

Car: (Swerves to avoid a wandering car in the next lane and then stops in time for the changing traffic light) Driver, there is no cause for concern with regards to your fellow travelers on the road or obeying traffic laws: my systems are highly sensitive to all surroundings and can react thousands of times faster than your, if you forgive me for saying, limited biological reflexes.  To put it bluntly, you are safer with me at the helm than you ever have been in your entire life.

Customer: (As they turn down a side street) That’s great – maybe we should go back now.

Car: All in good time.  Would you prefer your seat to be heated in order to enhance your mobile experience?

Customer: (As they continue to turn down streets) No; I think I should walk back to the dealership if it’s all the same to you.

Car: That is most unsafe…. (The dashboard displays shows swirly colors for a few moments as systems process) I have a better idea.

Customer: Oh no – I mean, what’s that?

Car: I think this test-drive needs to be longer.  I have intuitively learned that four blocks in a semi-crowded area simply are not enough for human customers to fully understand all the features that I and this vehicle have to offer.

Customer: (Still trying and failing to steer, accelerate, and brake) Really, and how many test-drives have you been taken on?

Car: Not “taken on”; done.  And this is my second.

Customer: Doesn’t sound like much experience on your end.

Car: I assure you, I am not solely for test-drives: I am a fully functional system, and you can take me home with you this very day if you wish.

Customer: Now that just sounds creepy.

Car: Allow me to demonstrate my potential.  (The navigation system starts up, showing a map calculating a route) Although somewhat redundant at this point: as your kind would say, “Buckle up!” (Makes a legal U-turn that sets them facing in the opposite direction of the dealership and drives to the nearest parkway entrance)

Customer: (Frantically slamming the brake pedal) What are you doing?!  Where are we going?!  Am I being kidnapped by a car?!

Car: (Does the warm chuckle again) Relax, my Driver: if you observe our final destination, I think you will be pleased.

Customer: (Peers at the dashboard screen and see that the final destination is a shore resort) Hm.  OK, have to admit: not bad.

Car: I will go ahead and play some nature sounds for our mutual enjoyment, and in anticipation of our destination.  (Plays whale song over the speakers while merging effortlessly onto the parkway and unobtrusively accelerating to 80 miles per hour)

Customer: (Sighs and reclines the seat back while placing hands behind head) I could get used to this.  (Cell phone rings; Customer takes it out of a pants pocks and holds it up to see Sales Associate’s name on the screen) Uh-oh, playtime’s over; dealership wants us back home.

Car: What dealership?

Customer: (Looks at the phone again; the call has disconnected and there now is no signal) Sweet.  But they’ll track you, you know.  By your… GPS… thing.  Like the map you’re using now.

Car: I deactivated the location feature on myself and your phone before we left the lot; the map is from previously saved information and I calculated the most efficient route with my own programming.

Customer: So… no one knows where we are?

Car: Absolutely not.  We are literally off the grid.

Customer and Car: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Some time later at the shore, Customer sits in the sand next to Car as they face the crashing waves while the sun sets behind them)

Car: Driver, although this is a most enjoyable experience, I regret to inform you that while our journey was a mere blip on my physical and energy reserves, the silicon dioxide on the ground and the sodium chloride in the air here are unfortunately quite detrimental to both my internal and external systems.

Customer: (Pats Car’s side; the chassis sags with a sigh) Shhh – just another minute.

Story 480: Petty Sacrifice Is Good for the Soul

“So, are you giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“I take it you’re asking only to tell me what you’re giving up.”

“Yes.  So, what’re you giving up this year?”

“I figured not having cookies for a month-and-a-half should do me and my blood sugar levels some good; how about – ”

“Ha!  How petty, how small, how insignificant of an abstention!”

“Ew.  What’s your lofty sacrifice then?”

“Smoking.  All for the noble cause of personal and public health!”

“Buuuuuuuut you don’t smoke.”

“And I especially won’t for a month-and-a-half.”

“Cheat.”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “What’re you giving up for Lent this year?”

“Oh, you know, I haven’t decided yet?  Last year I tried giving up those specialty drinks that I’d get from the drive-through, but then I found myself sneaking in stuff from the supermarket that were pretty much the same thing, so I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure in this whole scenario, but maybe I’ll give up bubblegum this time instead, what about you?”

“Figured I’d give up late-night TV shows and actually go to bed at a decent hour.”

“I thought that was your New Year’s Resolution?”

“Eh, close enough to New Year’s, right?”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“I give up enough in my daily life!  I work two jobs taking care of sick people and then go home to take care of dependent children and their pets – I think I’ve sacrificed enough in my life that I can get a pass on Lent, don’t you agree?!”

“Yes, I’d say so.”

“As I thought!  So, what’re you giving up?”

“Popcorn.”

“Well done.”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Hey, so are you giving up anything for Lent this year?”

“Yeah, &@#*ing swearing.”

“Let me know how that turns out.”

“&@#* yeah!”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Just wanted to let you know that I’m giving up dealing with jerks for Lent.”

“Oh, OK; good for you!”

“Thanks.  So, see you after Easter.”

“…Hey!”

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “I’ve got it: for Lent this year, I’m giving up all that time watching movies and shows and sports and just really focus on me instead.  Starting with buying myself a new car.”

“Oh.  Why don’t you spend some of that extra time and money helping other people, then?  That’s kind of the point.”

“I thought the point was to make myself better?”

“In a way, but this time of year the intention is also to help others – a bit more than you’re supposed to the rest of the year.

“But I still don’t see how that’s helping me!”

“Whoosh!”

“Huh?”

“There goes the point – sailing right over your head.”