Story 353: There’s an Online Video to Fix ANYTHING

            (Friend 1, at home, is shredding a ream of paper while on the phone)

            Friend 1: …so I said to `em, “While I don’t mind coming in for 15 interviews, I would like a final decision date that’s a little more definite than ‘soon,’ if that’s not too much to ask.”

            Friend 2: (On the phone) I’m guessing it was?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, that got me a hard “No” for sure, but at least I finally got an answer out of them so, you know, victory was mine.  (Papers jam in the shredder) Aw, come on, again?!

            Friend 2: Sounds bad – food processor?

           Friend 1: What?  No, never touch those; it’s a paper shredder.  Guess you just can’t handle 20 sheets a pop, wimp!

            Friend 2: Most can’t.  How bad is it?

           Friend 1: Let’s see…. (Unplugs the shredder from the wall outlet, takes off the lid, flips it over, and begins pulling out tiny bits of paper) Ewwwww, there’s a whole big chunk stuck in the top side I can’t get to.

            Friend 2: Did you unplug it first?

            Friend 1: Of course I – ah!  Ow-ow-ow!

            Friend 2: Oh no, what happened?!

            Friend 1: Gotcha!

            Friend 2: Dork.

            Friend 1: Listen, this is gonna take me hours of meltdowns and I’m probably going to have to send it out for repair or buy a new one anyway, so I’ll call you back later.  The mercury of irritation is rising already, and the blood is beginning to boil.

          Friend 2: You know, you probably can avoid all that if you just go online and find a video showing you how to fix it.

           Friend 1: (Freezes while holding the shredder lid up in the air to bash it on the floor) How’s that?

            Friend 2: People post videos about anything, and there’s a really useful subset that show you how to fix or do or make or destroy pretty much any item you can think of.  It’s how I fixed my toilet that one time; saved me a bundle.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Video-posters can be altruistic after all, eh?

           Friend 2: For stuff like this, surprisingly yes.  You may have to weed through a few, but you usually can find what you need pretty fast if you use the right keywords.  We live in a golden age of technology, it’s mind-boggling.

            Friend 1: You’re not kidding.  I’ll check it out, then – thanks a bunch!

          Friend 2: Sure thing.  Let me know how the patient pulls through.  (Disconnects the call)

LATER

         (Friend 1 is seated on the kitchen floor and watching a video on a laptop while the disassembled shredder is spread all around)

            Video Host: Now make sure you don’t lose this little piece here –

           Friend 1: (Nodding while carefully holding the shredder innards and mirroring the video) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

            Video Host: – and now take your tweezers and zip-zip-zip!  Paper’s all out!

            Friend 1: (Tweezing out paper) Uh-huh, uh-huh….

        Video Host: Now put everything back together, reinsert all the screws – (Time lapse of reinserting screws) – and boom!  All done!

            Friend 1: (Time lapse of reinserting screws) Boom?

          Video Host: Now let’s test it out, shall we?  (Shreds a single piece of paper) There we go!   Would’ve been embarrassing if it hadn’t worked, but that’s what editing is for!

         Friend 1: (Plugs in the shredder, turns it on, and shreds a page) It worked?  It worked!  I actually fixed something real, woo-hoo!  (Hugs the laptop) Thanks, my video friend, you get a “Like” and a “Subscribe”!  (Does so and shuts down the laptop; begins shredding more paper, cackling wildly with each successful page) Aha, jamming shredder, you thought you could defeat ME?!  Take that!  (Feeds a page) And that!  (Feeds a page) And – oh I’m out.  (Unplugs the shredder, then looks around the room) I wonder if there’s something else here that needs fixing…?

TWO DAYS LATER

          Friend 2: (At home, on the phone) Hi, I got your garbled text – are we still meeting up for dinner tonight or what?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, it kind of depends on when I finish here.

            Friend 2: What’re you doing?

          Friend 1: Well, I took your advice the other day and found a video that helped me fix the shredder.

            Friend 2: That’s great!  What a relief; how is it – ?

           Friend 1: Yeah-yeah-yeah, it’s working fine, that’s old news: since I fixed that, I figured why not try a few other things around the place, you know?

            Friend 2: Sure, sure.

           Friend 1: So, I found more videos and finally sealed that gap in the living room window that had such a draft –

            Friend 2: Oh, great!

            Friend 1: Yeah, and the wiring in that one lamp that kept flicking all the time –

            Friend 2: Good, good.

            Friend 1: And the thermostat in the fridge that was all wonky, got that –

            Friend 2: OK.

          Friend 1: And the cracked tiles by the front door, replaced the whole section with laminates –

            Friend 2: OK….

           Friend 1: And the gas line leading to the oven was a bit old, so I took it all out and converted everything to electric –

            Friend 2: …What?

           Friend 1: And my car’s been making a funny noise lately, so I took out the engine and all the bits inside and converted that to electric, too –

            Friend 2: Huh?

          Friend 1: Plus at work the Wi-Fi’s been on the fritz so I hacked into the network and switched us over to a better provider, but it took some time because I had to make sure I.T. didn’t get wind of what I was doing and shut it all down so, you know, hush-hush –

            Friend 2: Wait a minute –

          Friend 1: And right now I’m in the middle of upgrading the city’s hydroelectric dam since the operating system’s at least five years old, plus there’re microcracks all over it that I’m climbing around to seal, although if you ask me we should tear the whole thing down and let Nature be Nature, but I get it, this is providing power for over a million people, so –

            Friend 2: Hold it!

            Friend 1: Yep?

            Friend 2: So, you’re basically saying you’re skipping on tonight?

           Friend 1: (Checks watch while dangling on a rope halfway down the dam) Wow, it’s that late already?  Then yeah, guess we’re gonna have to reschedule – sorry about that, the time just got away from me.

            Friend 2: Yeah, call me when you’re done fixing the world.  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: Will do – oh, hung up.  (Disconnects the call, then resumes playing a video on the phone)

           Video Host: – as you continue in your climb down be sure to take in the magnificent view of the unnatural waterfall this edifice creates, along with the panorama of the glorious countryside around you, for you will never see its like again.

          Friend 1: (Swings around to take in the magnificent and glorious views) Huh – learn something new every day.

Story 352: I Conquered Seasickness – Now I Am Invincible!

            (On the phone)

            Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

            Friend 2: Hi – one of my coworkers gave me two dolphin watch tickets they can’t use now – wanna go?  It’s for this Sunday.

         Friend 1: Uh, sorry, what?  We’re swimming with the dolphins?  `Cause that’s unnatural, you know, for them.

           Friend 2: No, we’re just watching them: you go out on a boat and they usually swim right up and show off.

            Friend 1: Oh.  All right, I guess I can go then, I’m always available.

            Friend 2: Great!

            Friend 1: But maybe not, `cause I get seasick.

            Friend 2: Since when?

            Friend 1: Since forever.

            Friend 2: You went on plenty of ferry rides for field trips back when we were in school!

            Friend 1: OK, maybe I was fine then, but ever since puberty, wham!  Over the rails.  I haven’t been on a boat in 20 years.

            Friend 2: Wow, I never noticed.

           Friend 1: Yeah, it’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation.  So, it may put a bit of a crimp in my enjoyment of this little sojourn.

            Friend 2: Hmmm, that it would.  Hang on, how about if you take --------- before we go?

            Friend 1: Never tried it.  What’re the side effects?

            Friend 2: Don’t know, but check it out; most people who get seasick swear by it.

            Friend 1: Sure, I’ll go get some, but it’s rude to swear.

            Friend 2: …Yeah, see you on Sunday.

SUNDAY

            (At a dock next to a dolphin watch ship, Friend 2 waits on the bobbing pier as storm clouds threaten overhead.  Friend 1 strolls over without hesitation on the shifting boards, beaming widely)

            Friend 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  And how are we this fine morning?

            Friend 2: Did you get my message?

            Friend 1: No.  (Checks phone) Oh there it is.

           Friend 2: It’s going to pour any minute, but the company said the boat’s still going out because it’s supposed to clear up later, so I called to see if you still wanted to go since the water’s gonna be really rough.

            Friend 1: Clearly we both do.  Shall we commence boarding this here dinghy yonder?

            Friend 2: I’m guessing you took the ---------, then?

          Friend 1: I took TWO!  (Starts bouncing up and down with the pier bobbing higher and higher) Who knew what I was missing all these years, wheeee!!!

           Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Let’s just get on board before I change my mind.

            (The passengers and crew board the ship and they set off into increasingly choppy waters and pouring rain; Friends 1 and 2 find seats on the upper deck)

         Friend 1: (Pointing) Look!  A seagull!  (Pointing) Look!  A buoy!  (Pointing) Look!  A swimming human!

            Friend 2: We haven’t left the harbor yet.

          Friend 1: I know, and already there’s so much to see!  (The ship increases speed and starts heaving up and down in the waves) Yippee, we even get a thrill ride on top of everything else, this is AWESOME!

            Friend 2: (Turning pale) And we haven’t left the harbor yet.

           Friend 1: You already said that.  (Rummages in a knapsack and holds out food) By the way, I grabbed our complimentary muffins when we got here – want yours now?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the muffin and swallows with difficulty) No thank you.

            Friend 1: I’ll save it for later.  (Munches on the other muffin)

            (Several minutes later, dolphins are spotted near the ship)

            Friend 1: (Runs on a downward slant towards a side railing) Awwww, they’re so cute!  Look at them frolic!  Hello, fellow mammals, I wish we could return to our home in the sea and hang out with you all forever!

            Friend 2: (Holding onto the back of a bench as the ship sways) Not right now, I don’t.

           Friend 1: You should come over and see this!  They’re so many of them all around as if they’re trying to herd us inland, and the lighting shows off their shiny skin wonderfully!

           Friend 2: (Stands unsteadily) I’m going to head downstairs for a bit.  (Lurches down the stairs)

           Friend 1: Sure thing – watch your step, the whole deck is soaked!  (Hears clicking from the dolphins’ echolocation and looks down at the nearest group) What’s that?  “Go back to shore, you stupid land animals”?  Freakin’ adorable.

            (Later, Friend 2 is seated in the lower deck and leaning against a window when Friend 1 plops down on the same bench)

            Friend 1: (Drinking from a bottle and holding out another to Friend 2) Juice?  This was free, too.

            Friend 2: (Looks at the bottle and turns green) Please get that thing away from me.

           Friend 1: All righty.  (Does so) I don’t get it – everyone here is acting all droopy, barely even glancing at a single dolphin in the hundreds out there, and they all actually paid money to be here!  (The ship dips very low, then high up while cresting a wave; there are many moans and groans) Yesssss!!!!  This is so much better than a roller coaster, I swear!

            Friend 2: (Bent over while seated, head between knees) I thought it was rude to swear.

            Friend 1: Well, this is a day of many firsts in my life, let me tell you.  (Suddenly looks out the window and points) Oh wow, the rain’s coming down in actual curtains and that big ol’ whale still is coming up for air!  Nature is absolutely amazing!

            Friend 2: Can you scootch over so I can lie down?

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh sure, I’m actually going to head back up top: no one else is out there now, so I figured I can climb on top of the wheelhouse and really get a good view!

            Friend 2: (Lies down while Friend 1 leaves) That’s great, go to town, bye-bye.

            (Several minutes later, Friend 1 shakes Friend 2 awake)

            Friend 2: Huh?  Is it finally over?

           Friend 1: What?  No, I just wanted to let you know the crew abandoned ship so I’ll be at the helm steering us back to shore if you need anything.

            Friend 2: (Bolts upright) WHAT?!

           Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s got a steering wheel like a car and the engines are still running so all I’ve gotta do is aim and brake, bye!  (Runs back upstairs, whistling a sea chanty)

          (Friend 2 slowly stands as the ship sways wildly, sees the quickly approaching beach, and screams with the other passengers as they run aground)

            Friend 1: (At the helm) THIS IS THE BEST TRIP EVER!  (Somehow holds onto the helm so as not to go flying through the front window when the ship crashes)

           (Later as emergency services assist the passengers now on the beach, Friend 2 finds Friend 1 sitting on a random boulder and staring out at the now-calm ocean)

            Friend 2: Well, that could’ve gone much worse.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.

           Friend 2: I mean, aside from some bumps and bruises, everyone’s surprisingly all right.

            Friend 1: Oh good.

          Friend 2: Yeah, so I just heard now the company that ran this tour wasn’t certified – I should’ve checked it out when I was given the tickets, but who thinks when you get something for free, right?

            Friend 1: You said it.

            Friend 2: You OK?

            Friend 1: …I think I’m crashing.

            Friend 2: You already crashed – splendidly, I might add; we all owe you one.

           Friend 1: No, I mean from the ---------.  I think it’s starting to wear off, and it’s kicking my butt on the way out.  (Looks at Friend 2 with heavy eyelids)

            Friend 2: Oh.  (Sits on the boulder and puts a blanket around Friend 1) Want to take a nap?

           Friend 1: Maybe.  (Leans head on Friend 2’s shoulder) You know the weirdest thing about all this?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t know where to start.

           Friend 1: It’s just that, I know their jaws are fixed like that, and I’m probably projecting, but the whole time we were out there, I’m certain the dolphins were laughing at us.

            Friend 2: I’d believe it.