Story 261: Chillingly Commonplace Horror Theatre Presents: Terror at a Microscopic Level!

Warning: The following story is not for the faint of stomach!

            Narrator: She thought Evil could not harm her….

            [Shots of haunted woods and disturbed crypts]

            Narrator: She thought she was safe from all nightmares….

            [Shots of bloody fangs and decaying mansions, backed by the sound of a howling werewolf]

            Narrator: SHE – WAS – willfully uninformed.

            [On a creepily sunny day, Oblivia is jogging in the park when she trips over a random rock, falls, and cuts her hand]

           Oblivia: Ow!  Oh well.  (Sucks the wound and jogs right past the conveniently placed running-water bathroom)

          Shadowy Figure: (Peeking around a tree to watch her progress) Heh-heh, what a perfect victim.

            Narrator: She never imagined that danger lurks around every corner….

            [In an office, Oblivia is on the telephone while juggling papers]

           Oblivia: No, I said it was Thursday; why would I have said it was Wednesday when it was Thursday?  (Wipes runny nose with her hand, sniffling loudly) No, I don’t have a cold, and that wouldn’t make me think one day of the week and say another!  (Sniffles louder and wipes her nose again) That doesn’t change the fact that it was still Wednesday!  I mean Thursday, argh!

            Co-Worker: (Holding out a tissue and a bottle of hand sanitizer to her) Please take these, I’m begging you.

            Oblivia: Oh I’m good, thanks.  (Wipes nose yet again and returns to the call) Maybe you need a sick day for your confusion!

            Shadowy Figure: (Leaning out from behind a tall office plant) This is too good.

            Narrator: Nowhere is safe, not even her own home….

            [In her apartment, Oblivia’s friend is reading a magazine in the kitchen.  From the bathroom, the sound of a toilet flush is heard; Oblivia immediately exits and heads to the kitchen to make a sandwich]

            Friend: (Staring at her) Uhhhhh… did you wash your hands?

            Oblivia: What for?  (Assembles the sandwich)

            Friend “What for?”  You were just in the bathroom!

            Oblivia: What’s your point?  (Licks butter off fingers)

         Friend: Ugh!  Ah!  Ugh!  Ugh!  Ugh!  (Flings away the magazine and runs out of the apartment, screaming all the way out of the building)

            Oblivia: Weirdo.  (Eats sandwich)

            [Horror music plays as Shadowy Figure emerges from the darkened hallway]

            Shadowy Figure: Hello there.

          Oblivia: (Mouth full of sandwich) How’d you get in here?  Front door’s that way.  (Horror music cuts off as she points behind her shoulder)

            Shadowy Figure: What?  No, let me start over: (Horror music resumes) I’ve been with you for ages now, following your every move, and it’s about time I introduced myself.  (Hovers menacingly over her)

            Oblivia: I should say so – stalking someone without at least letting them know about it is just plain rude.

           Shadowy Figure: Well, get used to me being here: since I’m your new best friend, you can call me “Sep.”

            Oblivia: “Sept?”  As in “seven?”

            Shadowy Figure: No, “Sep”-puh, it’s – forget it, I’m Sepsis.

            Oblivia: What the blazes does that even mean?

           Shadowy Figure: I am the culmination of basically all the infections, the end result of their mass accumulation inside you.  (Pokes her shoulder, making her drop some potato chips onto the floor)

          Oblivia: Whatever dude, I’m having lunch right now so you can go accumulate inside someone else until I’m done.  (Picks up the chips and eats them)

            Shadowy Figure: Now that’s just – see what you did right there?

            Oblivia: (Mouth full of chips) What, eat?

           Shadowy Figure: Eat food that had fallen on the filthy floor!  Not to mention all those times you didn’t disinfect the scores of cuts, scrapes, and other breaches of your primary defense system!  And don’t get me started on the non-handwashing!

            Oblivia: Again with the handwashing: you people obsess over that way too much and should mind your own business.  (Brushes crumbs onto the floor and licks fingers)

            Shadowy Figure: You fool, don’t you realize that with your every action YOU INVITED US IN??!!

            Oblivia: Who’s “us?”

         (Shadowy Figure points to the living room where a whole host of Shadowy Figures are lounging around)

            Shadowy Figures: Whaaaa s’up!

            Oblivia: Now how did you guys get in here?  Never mind, just get out now; I want to take a nap.

            Shadowy Figure: Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.  (Horror music plays louder)

            Oblivia: Well you’re not, so I’m going to nap as much as I darn well please; all y’all can lock the door on your way out, m’kay?  (Coughs a lot into her hand, then opens the door for them to leave)

            Shadowy Figure: (Points to her hand) You see!  It’s stuff like that that’s brought on your own DOOM!

            Oblivia: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t feel particularly doomed.  (Begins shivering)

            Shadowy Figure: (Pulls two other Shadowy Figures out from the crowd) You’ve got influenza –

            Influenza: Hi!  (Is pushed aside)

            Shadowy Figure: – and pneumonia –

            Pneumonia: Yo.  (Is pushed aside)

          Shadowy Figure:  – along with all of them – (Waves at the rest, who wave back) – which weakened you completely, so now, you have ME.  (Lightning flashes and thunder crashes, but there is no rain)

            Oblivia: (Starting to teeter) You, being Sepsis?

           Sepsis: The one and only.  End of the line for you, MWAHAHAHA!  Unless you call 9-1-1 right now.

            Shadowy Figures: Booooo, hissssss!!

            Oblivia: (Pulls phone out of her pocket as she sinks to the floor) But… I never even heard of you…

            Shadowy Figure: Never even – ?!  I kill at least 270,000 people a year!

            Oblivia: Really?

            Shadowy Figure: Yeah.  It’s very serious and sad.  (They stare at the floor for a moment) Still want to be next?

            Oblivia: Ahhhh!!!  (Dials 9-1-1)

            [Cut to Oblivia being wheeled out of a hospital]

            Nurse: You have your discharge instructions?

            Oblivia: Oh yes, and lots of these.  (Holds up a bag of hand sanitizers)

            Nurse: Good.  Be well!

           [Oblivia is driven home by a relative and returns to her apartment bedroom.  As she lies down, ominous music begins to play; she opens her eyes to see Shadowy Figure standing there at the foot of the bed]

            Oblivia: Now what?

           Shadowy Figure: I know you defeated me eventually and all that, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m always here if you find yourself slipping up on the hygiene bit again and – (Is cut off by Oblivia throwing a pillow at it)

           Narrator: Be sure to tune in next time for Chillingly Commonplace Horror Theatre Presents: Jaywalking With Danger.  Until then, pleasant dreams.

Story 260: There Are Ghosts Everywhere

            (At the Hall of the Prisoners in the Galleria dell’Accademia di Firenze, Italy)

            Servant Ghost 1: Morning.

            Servant Ghost 2: It unfortunately is.  What’s on the cleaning schedule for today?

          Servant Ghost 1: Same as always: busts, impractically large canvases, furniture that’s no longer here, the works.  You can take floors, if you like.

         Servant Ghost 2: (Conjures up a bucket and mop) Thanks.  I’m really tired of doing busts century after century – they only talk about one thing.

           Servant Ghost 1: You mean the mastodon in the room?  (Gestures to the other end of the Hall at Michelangelo’s David in all his glory)

            Servant Ghost 2: None other.  You ever hear them all go on and on about him?

           Servant Ghost 1: Nah, I started tuning them about 200 years ago; it was the only way I could get any work done. (Starts ghost-dusting unseen tables)

          Servant Ghost 2: (Ghost-mops the Hall) Wish I could do that.  All day every day, it’s them going: “Boatloads of cultural masterpieces here, and 99% of the thousands of warm bodies who come in every day just want to see David,” “What’s so great about David?”, “I like the copy by the Uffizi better,” “I hate David,” “Who is David?”, “Shut up, David,” “Could someone please vandalize David?!”, “What is wrong with you, leave David alone!”, “What, now you’re a David-lover, too?!”, “Why does no one ever come to see me?!”, “`Cause you’re a boring old bust and nobody likes you!”, “I can’t even – ”

            Servant Ghost 1: I get it.  (Passes through a tour group milling around unfinished sculptures and hovers in front of David) I haven’t really looked in decades, but the detail is meticulous, I must say.

            David: Why, thank you.

            Servant Ghost 2: Don’t encourage him – you’ll only set off the rest of them again!

            Bust: (From an adjacent room) There goes another David fan!  Traitor!

            Servant Ghost 1: (Shouts to that room) I think I’ll skip your dusting today!

            Bust: (Whimpers) Never mind.

        Servant Ghost 2: Whelp, I’m moving on upstairs.  At least those pieces know they’re appreciated by the visitors who actually bother to go up there.

            Servant Ghost 1: Have fun.  I think I’ll dust You-Know-Who; I haven’t in ages.

Servant Ghost 2: If you must, just don’t be pervy about it.

            David: Oh, my.

            Servant Ghost 1: I am completely professional in my work!  And since we’ve been stuck here for eternity, this does absolutely nothing for me anymore.

            David: Admire my lifelike veins, then; I won’t mind.

           Servant Ghost 1: (Peering closely at an arm) How on Earth did that guy ever manage to do that in marble?!

            David: Oh, you know, only pure genius is all.

            Busts: (Collectively moan) Great, now he’ll really be unbearable!

Story 259: European Road Test

            (In an American café, Friend 1 enters wearing a racing jacket, scarf, and shades, and saunters over to Friend 2, who is seated at a table and sipping coffee)

            Friend 2: What’s all this?

           Friend 1: (Sits extremely casually) Oh, nothing much: just demonstrating my status as The Best Driver in the World is all.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.  My car broke down and the rental place only had a stick shift, and I was able to drive it all the way here without stripping the gears once.  So I rule.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Yep.  I also parallel parked like a dream – take a look outside.  (Friend 1’s head tilts towards the café’s front window; Friend 2 turns to see a car parked half on the sidewalk, then turns back to Friend 1, who is smiling smugly) Got that on only the third try.

            Friend 2: Really.  “Best Driver in the World,” eh?

            Friend 1: (Wipes sunglasses while ripping off the price tag) Most accurate.

            Friend 2: (Leans in over coffee) Care to put that to the test?

            Friend 1: (Drops sunglasses) Huh?

            (On a small road on Italy, Friend 1 still is wearing the jacket and is leaning against a fencepost when a tiny car pulls to a stop nearby and the driver steps out)

            Examiner: Buon giorno; you are here for the road test?

            Friend 1: Um, sì; actually, I am The Best –

            Test: Yes, yes, get in, please.

            (Friend 1 squeezes into the driver’s seat as the Examiner gets into the passenger seat)

            Friend 1: Righty, where should I navigate us to? (Revs engine)

            Examiner: Straight ahead for now, then as the road tells you.

         Friend 1: Cool cannellini – away we go!  (Immediately stalls) Heh-heh, still used to an automatic.

          Examiner: Mm.  (Begins making notes on a clipboard; checks off a box next to the word “Americano/a”)

            Friend 1: (Sheepishly hits the clutch and shifts to first gear, then rapidly accelerates through the majestic hills and hairpin turns) So, just give a shout when you’d like me to take us to a winery or something.

            Examiner: Turn right, please.

          Friend 1: Now?  (Screeches onto a dirt road and starts bumping steadily uphill) Uh, is it a problem that I didn’t get a chance to signal?

            Examiner: (Shrugs) Eh.

          Friend 1: (Takes the car on a 85-degree angle up several switchbacks, accelerating faster and faster the higher they go) So, I’ve got this and everything – oops – (Screeches up another switchback) but I was just wondering if, you know, I should get ready to turn off soon or anything –

            Examiner: You are doing fine: we are going all the way to the top.

         Friend 1: Ohhhh – kaaaaaayyyyyy!!!  (Stalls again in mid-turn; the car begins to roll backwards) Oh no – (Frantically shifts into all gears) oh no –

            Examiner: On these hills, one must drive with the sole.

            Friend 1: My soul?!

            Examiner: The sole!  Of your foot!  Floor it!

         Friend 1: Got it!  (Shifts and accelerates fast enough to get the car moving forward again through the turn, nearly hitting a jogger who never breaks stride) Wheeee!

            Examiner: (Sighs)

            (The car flies into a walled cobblestoned town)

          Friend 1: (Slamming on the clutch and the brake) Ah!  Tourists!  (The car immediately is surrounded by pedestrians)

            Examiner: Just drive through them; they will move.  Now go find a parking spot.

            Friend 1: Uhhhh, sure, no problem.  (Crawls through the two-way streets built for foot traffic, gently nudging people aside and squeezing past the cars left next to buildings) Sooooo, should I be looking for signs for a municipal lot or something?

            Examiner: There’s a spot – take it now!

            Friend 1: (Points) That?  There’s already two cars in it!

            Test: Exactly!  Take it now!

            Friend 1: (Takes seven attempts to squeeze the car into the space, then brakes) Nailed it, now what?

            Examiner: Now it is lunch.  (Disappears into a trattoria for an hour; returns to the car and sees Friend 1 still seated there) Did you stay here this whole time?!

            Friend 1: I was afraid to move.

           Examiner: Very well, then move out of the spot now.  (Friend 1 takes some time backing out into the sporadic traffic, then resumes the slow trek through the town)  Go down that hill.

            Friend 1: Whoa, yeah, not that this is a problem or anything, but that street is a bit vertical –

            Examiner: You see everyone else driving down it without hesitation, yes?

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, I was just kidding.  Here we go!  (Rides the brake all the way downhill)

            Examiner: Points deducted since you are being tailgated by a bicyclist.

           Friend 1: (Hunched forward, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles) That’s on them!

            (At the bottom of the hill, they level out and reach a roundabout)

            Examiner: Take the second exit.

            Friend 1: Is that the next exit after this turn or the next exit after that turn?

            Examiner: The second exit.

            Friend 1: Uhhh…. (Screeches around the roundabout several times before cutting off two cars to take the correct exit) Uhhh… we’re getting on the A1….

            Examiner: Precisely.

            (They enter the thoroughfare and Friend 1 weaves in and out of the basically straight traffic)

            Friend 1: So, like me to push it to 110 kph?  `Cause I can do that, no big deal.

            Examiner: Take the next exit, please.

            Friend 1: (Gasps) Does that say “Roma”?!

            Examiner: Yes.  There, your true test will begin.

            (They enter Rome and start and stop through rush hour traffic)

            Friend 1: (Before a ginormous roundabout) Since this is going to take forever, I’m just gonna hop into that gelateria over there –

            Examiner: There’s your opening!  Seize it!

         (Friend 1 zips through the traffic, suffering close encounters with motorcyclists and more tourists all being just everywhere)

            Friend 1: Hold on – (Zigs) hold on – (Zags) I’ve got this – (Nearly crashes into Vatican City) – almost there – !  (Flies through the air and lands in Trevi Fountain)

            Examiner: Now, what do you think your next step should be?  Keep in mind, you eventually will need to find your way to the A5 because we are moving on to France now.

            Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, gets out of the car, and flings off the racing jacket) I relinquish my title: I am taking the train back to the airport and will never ever drive ever again!  (Disappears into the unfazed crowd, shaking all the way)

            Examiner: (Sighs, then slides over to the driver’s seat and begins reversing the car out of the fountain) Some people just cannot handle a few quirks of the road.