(At
the Hall of the Prisoners in the Galleria dell’Accademia di Firenze, Italy)
Servant
Ghost 1: Morning.
Servant
Ghost 2: It unfortunately is. What’s on
the cleaning schedule for today?
Servant
Ghost 1: Same as always: busts, impractically large canvases, furniture that’s
no longer here, the works. You can take
floors, if you like.
Servant
Ghost 2: (Conjures up a bucket and mop) Thanks.
I’m really tired of doing busts century after century – they only talk
about one thing.
Servant
Ghost 1: You mean the mastodon in the room?
(Gestures to the other end of the Hall at Michelangelo’s David in
all his glory)
Servant
Ghost 2: None other. You ever hear them all
go on and on about him?
Servant
Ghost 1: Nah, I started tuning them about 200 years ago; it was the only way I
could get any work done. (Starts ghost-dusting unseen tables)
Servant
Ghost 2: (Ghost-mops the Hall) Wish I could do that. All day every day, it’s them going:
“Boatloads of cultural masterpieces here, and 99% of the thousands of warm
bodies who come in every day just want to see David,” “What’s so great
about David?”, “I like the copy by the Uffizi better,” “I hate David,”
“Who is David?”, “Shut up, David,” “Could someone please
vandalize David?!”, “What is wrong with you, leave David alone!”,
“What, now you’re a David-lover, too?!”, “Why does no one ever come to
see me?!”, “`Cause you’re a boring old bust and nobody likes you!”, “I
can’t even – ”
Servant
Ghost 1: I get it. (Passes through a
tour group milling around unfinished sculptures and hovers in front of David)
I haven’t really looked in decades, but the detail is meticulous, I must say.
David:
Why, thank you.
Servant
Ghost 2: Don’t encourage him – you’ll only set off the rest of them again!
Bust: (From an adjacent room) There goes another David fan! Traitor!
Servant
Ghost 1: (Shouts to that room) I think I’ll skip your dusting today!
Bust: (Whimpers) Never mind.
Servant
Ghost 2: Whelp, I’m moving on upstairs.
At least those pieces know they’re appreciated by the visitors who
actually bother to go up there.
Servant
Ghost 1: Have fun. I think I’ll dust
You-Know-Who; I haven’t in ages.
Servant Ghost 2:
If you must, just don’t be pervy about it.
David:
Oh, my.
Servant
Ghost 1: I am completely professional in my work! And since we’ve been stuck here for eternity,
this does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
David:
Admire my lifelike veins, then; I won’t mind.
Servant
Ghost 1: (Peering closely at an arm) How on Earth did that guy ever manage to
do that in marble?!
David:
Oh, you know, only pure genius is all.
Busts:
(Collectively moan) Great, now he’ll really be unbearable!
