Story 259: European Road Test

            (In an American café, Friend 1 enters wearing a racing jacket, scarf, and shades, and saunters over to Friend 2, who is seated at a table and sipping coffee)

            Friend 2: What’s all this?

           Friend 1: (Sits extremely casually) Oh, nothing much: just demonstrating my status as The Best Driver in the World is all.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.  My car broke down and the rental place only had a stick shift, and I was able to drive it all the way here without stripping the gears once.  So I rule.

            Friend 2: Really.

            Friend 1: Yep.  I also parallel parked like a dream – take a look outside.  (Friend 1’s head tilts towards the café’s front window; Friend 2 turns to see a car parked half on the sidewalk, then turns back to Friend 1, who is smiling smugly) Got that on only the third try.

            Friend 2: Really.  “Best Driver in the World,” eh?

            Friend 1: (Wipes sunglasses while ripping off the price tag) Most accurate.

            Friend 2: (Leans in over coffee) Care to put that to the test?

            Friend 1: (Drops sunglasses) Huh?

            (On a small road on Italy, Friend 1 still is wearing the jacket and is leaning against a fencepost when a tiny car pulls to a stop nearby and the driver steps out)

            Examiner: Buon giorno; you are here for the road test?

            Friend 1: Um, sì; actually, I am The Best –

            Test: Yes, yes, get in, please.

            (Friend 1 squeezes into the driver’s seat as the Examiner gets into the passenger seat)

            Friend 1: Righty, where should I navigate us to? (Revs engine)

            Examiner: Straight ahead for now, then as the road tells you.

         Friend 1: Cool cannellini – away we go!  (Immediately stalls) Heh-heh, still used to an automatic.

          Examiner: Mm.  (Begins making notes on a clipboard; checks off a box next to the word “Americano/a”)

            Friend 1: (Sheepishly hits the clutch and shifts to first gear, then rapidly accelerates through the majestic hills and hairpin turns) So, just give a shout when you’d like me to take us to a winery or something.

            Examiner: Turn right, please.

          Friend 1: Now?  (Screeches onto a dirt road and starts bumping steadily uphill) Uh, is it a problem that I didn’t get a chance to signal?

            Examiner: (Shrugs) Eh.

          Friend 1: (Takes the car on a 85-degree angle up several switchbacks, accelerating faster and faster the higher they go) So, I’ve got this and everything – oops – (Screeches up another switchback) but I was just wondering if, you know, I should get ready to turn off soon or anything –

            Examiner: You are doing fine: we are going all the way to the top.

         Friend 1: Ohhhh – kaaaaaayyyyyy!!!  (Stalls again in mid-turn; the car begins to roll backwards) Oh no – (Frantically shifts into all gears) oh no –

            Examiner: On these hills, one must drive with the sole.

            Friend 1: My soul?!

            Examiner: The sole!  Of your foot!  Floor it!

         Friend 1: Got it!  (Shifts and accelerates fast enough to get the car moving forward again through the turn, nearly hitting a jogger who never breaks stride) Wheeee!

            Examiner: (Sighs)

            (The car flies into a walled cobblestoned town)

          Friend 1: (Slamming on the clutch and the brake) Ah!  Tourists!  (The car immediately is surrounded by pedestrians)

            Examiner: Just drive through them; they will move.  Now go find a parking spot.

            Friend 1: Uhhhh, sure, no problem.  (Crawls through the two-way streets built for foot traffic, gently nudging people aside and squeezing past the cars left next to buildings) Sooooo, should I be looking for signs for a municipal lot or something?

            Examiner: There’s a spot – take it now!

            Friend 1: (Points) That?  There’s already two cars in it!

            Test: Exactly!  Take it now!

            Friend 1: (Takes seven attempts to squeeze the car into the space, then brakes) Nailed it, now what?

            Examiner: Now it is lunch.  (Disappears into a trattoria for an hour; returns to the car and sees Friend 1 still seated there) Did you stay here this whole time?!

            Friend 1: I was afraid to move.

           Examiner: Very well, then move out of the spot now.  (Friend 1 takes some time backing out into the sporadic traffic, then resumes the slow trek through the town)  Go down that hill.

            Friend 1: Whoa, yeah, not that this is a problem or anything, but that street is a bit vertical –

            Examiner: You see everyone else driving down it without hesitation, yes?

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, I was just kidding.  Here we go!  (Rides the brake all the way downhill)

            Examiner: Points deducted since you are being tailgated by a bicyclist.

           Friend 1: (Hunched forward, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles) That’s on them!

            (At the bottom of the hill, they level out and reach a roundabout)

            Examiner: Take the second exit.

            Friend 1: Is that the next exit after this turn or the next exit after that turn?

            Examiner: The second exit.

            Friend 1: Uhhh…. (Screeches around the roundabout several times before cutting off two cars to take the correct exit) Uhhh… we’re getting on the A1….

            Examiner: Precisely.

            (They enter the thoroughfare and Friend 1 weaves in and out of the basically straight traffic)

            Friend 1: So, like me to push it to 110 kph?  `Cause I can do that, no big deal.

            Examiner: Take the next exit, please.

            Friend 1: (Gasps) Does that say “Roma”?!

            Examiner: Yes.  There, your true test will begin.

            (They enter Rome and start and stop through rush hour traffic)

            Friend 1: (Before a ginormous roundabout) Since this is going to take forever, I’m just gonna hop into that gelateria over there –

            Examiner: There’s your opening!  Seize it!

         (Friend 1 zips through the traffic, suffering close encounters with motorcyclists and more tourists all being just everywhere)

            Friend 1: Hold on – (Zigs) hold on – (Zags) I’ve got this – (Nearly crashes into Vatican City) – almost there – !  (Flies through the air and lands in Trevi Fountain)

            Examiner: Now, what do you think your next step should be?  Keep in mind, you eventually will need to find your way to the A5 because we are moving on to France now.

            Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, gets out of the car, and flings off the racing jacket) I relinquish my title: I am taking the train back to the airport and will never ever drive ever again!  (Disappears into the unfazed crowd, shaking all the way)

            Examiner: (Sighs, then slides over to the driver’s seat and begins reversing the car out of the fountain) Some people just cannot handle a few quirks of the road.