(Friends 1 and 2 grip the fireplace pokers tighter as the noises of the approaching werewolf grow louder)
Friend 1: (Whispering) By the way, if we accidentally kill the Caretaker in this form, would we be charged with homicide or animal cruelty?
Friend 2: (Whispering louder) Would you just shut up for once?!
Friend 1: Fine – but I’ll be asking you about this later.
(They clench their teeth and fists as the heavy tread and steady growls come closer, closer, closer – then farther, farther, farther)
Friend 1: Is that it then?
Friend 2: Ssh!
(The tread and growls stop down the hall; they hear a soft knock followed by a “Who is it?” After a few moments of silence, they hear a door open and Guests 1 and 2 gasp and scream “How stupid of us!” They then hear growls, screams, running footsteps, and crashing furniture. They continue to hold their fireplace pokers aloft, twitching and glancing at each other)
Friend 1: …Should we try to get some sleep again?
Friend 2: That’s it! (Starts moving aside the furniture blocking the door)
Friend 1: Soooo, new plan?
Friend 2: Yeah, it’s called “Getting Out of the Death Trap,” which is what we should’ve done hours ago!
Friend 1: But we’re still locked in.
Friend 2: (Points to the open window) Not everywhere! C’mon, help me out!
(Friend 1 helps Friend 2 move a bureau, and the latter then unlocks the door. They tilt their heads towards the door and hear the sounds of struggle continue down the hall)
Friend 1: Is someone in there giggling?
Friend 2: I’d hate to find out.
(They open the door, leap out, and pause facing the direction of Guests 1 and 2’s door)
Friend 2: I dunno, maybe we should try to help –
Friend 1: By all means! (Shoves Friend 2 in that direction and turns to run in the opposite just as Guest 3 opens a door)
Guest 3: (Beckoning frantically with both arms) Quick, get in here!
Friend 2: (Points with the fireplace poker down the hall) What about those two?
Guest 3: It’s too late for them, but we can still save us!
Friend 1: I like the sound of that. (Strolls into Guest 3’s room; Friend 2 follows reluctantly; Guest 3 locks the door behind them and moves the bed to block it)
Guest 3: Now – (Grabs a map of the castle that was on a lamp table) I’ve been studying this thing all night and figured out that if we can get down to at least the second story of this place, we can jump to the ground safely from there if a window’s open like this one is. (Gestures to the open window, which has knotted sheets dangling out of it)
Friend 1: Aw, why didn’t we think of that?!
Friend 2: Because we’re not mountain climbers! And I doubt the sheets go down far enough to that floor!
Guest 3: They don’t, but they at least reach a balcony we can use to break into a room and go downstairs from there – hopefully our host’ll still be busy with our poor fellow guests to know we’re down there before we jump to freedom.
Friend 2: So why didn’t we just run downstairs while we were out in the hall?!
Guest 3: We would’ve had to run past their room; trust me, climbing down the building and then dropping 20 feet is much safer, now let’s go!
(Guest 3 leads the way, climbing over the windowsill and down the sheets to the balcony below while Friends 1 and 2 watch)
Guest 3: (Drops onto the balcony and looks up) What are you waiting for?!
Friend 1: Just making sure you made it without breaking your neck before I risked mine. (Turns with Friend 2 towards the door as louder growls are heard, then quickly sticks the fireplace poker under an arm, climbs over the windowsill, and shimmies down the sheets to drop onto the balcony. Friend 2 begins climbing down the sheets as Guest 3 opens the balcony door, runs to open the room door, and peers up and down the hallway)
Friend 2: (Dropping onto the balcony and grabs shoulder) Ow! I think I pulled a muscle.
Friend 1: I’m just amazed we made it at all – I haven’t done anything this athletic since senior year in high school and that was decades ago.
Guest 3: (Waves at them, whispering) All clear, let’s go!
(They huddle together as they double-time it towards the nearest down staircase, each floorboard and step creaking loudly all the way)
Friend 1: Great, all our friend has to do is shut their yap for two seconds and they’ll know exactly where we are.
Guest 3: No choice – keep moving!
(They continue running down creepy hallways and pounding down stairs, with Guest 3 occasionally checking the map to see how many flights they have left)
Guest 3: One more!
(They freeze as a loud howl is heard above them)
Friend 2: You think they heard us?
Guest 3: Too late now!
(They run again and approach the last staircase as a figure suddenly appears in their path)
Ghost: Oh hello, I was wondering if you could help me with this: I heard there were vacancies for the haunting positions here – do you know if they’re still interviewing applicants for those?
Friend 1: Buzz off, pal, we’ve got not time for your employment issues! (All three run through Ghost and down the stairs)
Ghost: (Sighs) They’d told me it’s rough out there. (Drifts off)
(Guest 3 leads the other two to a room similar to the last one they left; they open the balcony door and peer over the edge of the railing)
Friend 1: (To Guest 3) You’re right! Totally doable! (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)
Friend 2: Wait! Oh too late – you OK?
Friend 1: (Stands and brushes off gravel) Yeah: if I’d thought about it, I’d’ve broken something.
Guest 3: (Pocketing the map) Good enough for me! (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)
Friend 1: (Pats Guest 3 on the shoulder after the latter gets up off the ground) Well done!
Guest 3: Thanks – (Mutters to Friend 1) 20 feet is definitely a lot higher than I thought, though.
Friend 1: (Mutters to Guest 3) You’re not kidding – (Shouts up to Friend 2) it’s OK, you’ll hardly feel it!
Friend 2: (Nods nervously) OK. (Hops onto the railing and jumps off, tipping over to the side on landing)
Friend 1: Oopsie. (Helps up Friend 2) You all right?
Friend 2: (Shaking) Yes I am, liar.
Friend 1: I’m not apologizing for effective results.
Guest 3: Fine-fine-fine, let’s get to the cars!
(They run to the parking lot at the front of the castle and head for the cars, then stand there staring at them)
Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Did you bring the keys?
Friend 1: Why would I; it’s your car!
Guest 3: You didn’t bring your keys?!
Friend 1: You didn’t bring yours?!
Guest 3: Hey, I had the plan and the map, what more do you want from me?!
(They simultaneously look up the castle looming above them)
Friend 1: Think one of us can run back in there and grab them?
Friend 2: That sounds like a volunteer talking.
(A loud howl reverberates through the walls)
Friend 1: (Grabs the roof of Friend 2’s car and rocks it) Oooooh, useless!
Guest 3: No worries, we’ll just call the cops! (They all look expectantly at each other) Either of you have your phone?
Friend 1: On the lamp table.
Friend 2: In my bag.
Guest 3: In my other pants.
Friend 1: OK! New plan: we run to the main road, follow it back to the closest town, and flag down the first motorist we see; if they’re a serial killer or an everyday pervert the three of us can take `em on, right?
Guest 3: Oh yeah we can!
Friend 2: OR, better idea: we go to the fast food restaurant that’s RIGHT HERE and use their phone! (Points to the fast food restaurant next to the castle)
Friend 1: But my adrenaline’s all geared up for the other thing.
(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 by the shirt as they and Guest 3 run into the fast food restaurant, which is devoid of customers; the lone Employee is half-asleep on an elbow at the cash register)
Employee: (Startled awake) `Lo – (Clears throat) welcome to Haunted Food Emporium [Trademarked] where the shakes are to scream for and all the food is dead, what can I get you this eve – early morning?
(The three rush the counter)
Friend 2: (Smiling semi-calmly) Hi, can we please use your phone?
Employee: Can’t use the phone until you buy something.
Guest 3: But it’s an emergency!
Employee: Sorry, don’t make the rules.
Friend 1: Listen kid –
Employee: My acne’s maintained by the fryer; I’m actually 31 years old.
Friend 1: Could you dial 9-1-1 and tell the cops we’re being attacked by a – a –
Guest 3: Homicidal maniac!
Friend 2: Rabid animal!
Friend 1: Homicidal maniac, please?
Employee: Wait, aren’t you all staying at the castle next door?
Friend 1: Clearly!
Employee: Yeah, it’s just the new werewolf attraction they’ve got going on there; no biggie.
(The three blink at Employee)
Friend 1: No… biggie?!
Employee: Yeah, it started about a year ago and the guests seem to love it – the few who actually come over here, that is. You know, the franchise owners thought they’d make a killing – `scuse the expression – setting up shop right next to a haunted tourist stop, but if food’s included in the stay then who’s gonna trek all the way down 50 flights of stairs to come here? That’s right, no one! The guests who do come in are either on their way home or can’t go two days without fried meat, but whatever: if those guys keep paying me to stand here for hours, I’ll keep doing it; not my money.
Friend 2: So, wait, the werewolf’s attacked people before?
Employee: I wouldn’t say “attacked,” per se; from what I’ve heard, there’s lots of howlin’ and growlin’ and screamin’ and runnin’ and that’s about it – everybody goes home satisfied.
Friend 1: …For real?!
(There suddenly is a loud howl at the entrance to the restaurant; they all look to the front and see the werewolf standing menacingly in the doorway, claws and fangs out. Friends 1 and 2 raise their fireplace pokers, Guest 3 raises two fists, and all three scream)
Employee: HEY! (They all stop) I told you already: you’re not registered as a service animal, you can’t come in here! (The werewolf slumps down and shuffles off; to the other three) Don’t misunderstand: when the Caretaker’s in human form I set `em up with a salad and shake about once a week here, but as that – (Waves a hand at the empty doorway) Department of Health’d shut us down in two seconds if I let `em in. Plus it’s bad enough I have to clean up human hair; I’d rather not have wolf hair on top of that, I-thank-you.
(The other three stare at each other)
Friend 1: So we did all that running and climbing and jumping for nothing?!
Guest 3: You have to admit, the non-danger of the experience wasn’t clearly explained.
Friend 2: So now what, do we just… go back inside?
Friend 1: I guess – no wait, door’s still locked, forgot.
(Friend 2 sighs dramatically and tosses the fireplace poker to the floor)
Employee: Sounds like you all are having a great time tonight – would you like a cheeseburger and shake to celebrate?
Guest 3: Sure! (To Friends 1 and 2) Either of you have your wallet?
(Friend 1 shakes the fireplace poker at the ceiling as Caretaker enters the restaurant with bedraggled Guests 1 and 2)
Caretaker: Hello there; you three doing all right? You scuffed the furniture to block the doors and knotted a bunch of fine sheets and left balcony windows open to the bats; that’s being added to your bills.
Guest 1: Yeah, did you guys get the werewolf attack at all? It was great!
Guest 2: Really spices up the relationship.
Friend 1: (Grinds teeth) No, we missed it.
Friend 2: We decided to flee for our lives instead.
Caretaker: Oh, that’s too bad. Well, don’t you fret; there’s still one more night in your stay for me to get you all riled up.
Friend 2: I think one night was more than enough, thank –
Friend 1: That’s right, we’ve got a whole `nother night here to do this all over again, I can’t wait!
THE END
