(Outside Sibling 1’s apartment, Sibling 2 arrives carrying bags of snacks and raps briskly on the door)
Sibling 1: (Faintly from inside) Come iiiiiiiiinnnnn…..
Sibling 2: (Opens the door, locks it on closing, and finds Sibling 1 sprawled out on the living room couch) You know, you really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked like that, and you really should’ve checked it was me first – I could’ve been anybody out there.
Sibling 1: (Staring at the ceiling) You’re right, but I doubt it would’ve been anybody else. (Swings legs off the couch to sit up so Sibling 2 can sit down) You bring the goods?
Sibling 2: Yep. (Dumps the bags onto the coffee table) Chips, pretzels, leftover Halloween candy – all part of a balanced diet.
Sibling 1: (Leans forward to grab each bag) Cool. (Starts ripping them open to empty the contents into bowls that are lined up on the table) Drink? I’ve got `em all. (Gestures to soda cans also lined up on the table)
Sibling 2: Uh, just water, thanks.
Sibling 1: Boring. (Pours a glass from a filtered pitcher and hands it to Sibling 2)
Sibling 2: (Downs a few gulps) Aaahhh, that always tastes better than anything else when you really need it.
Sibling 1: If you say so. (Starts eating the remaining chips out of the bag)
Sibling 2: (Sets the glass on a coaster and stares at the blank TV screen across the room) Sooooo… you want me to turn on the TV or what?
Sibling 1: (Mid-mouthful) What?
Sibling 2: You invited me over here to watch a movie, so here I am, so where’s the movie?
Sibling 1: Oh! (Swallows the rest) I said come over for the show – but I can understand the confusion.
Sibling 2: Yes, appreciate it, so where’s the show?
Sibling 1: (Points to the ceiling as they both look up) Any minute now…
Sibling 2: ….
Sibling 1: ….
Sibling 2: (Flatly as both look back at each other) You called me over to eavesdrop on your upstairs neighbors.
Sibling 1: It’s not eavesdropping if they broadcast their business for the world to hear. Used to drive me bonkers, until I started following the storyline – now I can’t get enough of it. (Starts working on the bowl of chips)
Sibling 2: “Storyline”?
Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it beats anything that’s airing or streaming lately. From what I’ve put together over the past few weeks, the one living up there now’s actually a tenant who’s apparently been trashing the place, and the landlord lives out-of-state but randomly drops in out of the blue and is furious about the trashed place but never fixes anything that’s broken either, so both of them have been upping the ante of trashing and no-repair so much that I think we’ve hit the Season Finale where it all comes to a climax.
Sibling 2: “Season Finale”?!
Sibling 1: Yeah, right before I called you I was hearing the words “eviction” and “lawsuit” and “extortion” and “vandalism” being volleyed all over the place, and then the landlord stormed out with an “I’ll be back!” and the tenant was stomping around like a herd of elephants and muttering really loudly so I’m waiting for the final showdown any minute now.
Sibling 2: (Looks up at the ceiling) I don’t hear any elephants at the moment.
Sibling 1: Probably taking a nap – I heard snoring through the ceiling when I stopped off in my room earlier.
Sibling 2: Oh.
(Loud footsteps and a round of banging is heard upstairs, followed by)
Landlord: (Voice) I’m comin’ in!
Sibling 1: (Hands Sibling 2 the bowl of pretzels) Ooh, this is it, here we go! (Leans back on the couch with the bowl of chips to watch the ceiling comfortably)
Sibling 2: (Also leans back, with a sigh) I don’t know how I feel about this –
Sibling 1: Sshh!
(Rattling keys are heard, followed by the door upstairs flying open as loud footsteps race from the back of the apartment to the front)
Tenant: (Voice) I told you to stay out!
Landlord: This is my apartment, chuckles – I can come in whenever I want!
Tenant: Yeah, well, it’s creepy when you let yourself in like that! And you can’t make me leave, either! Not until you’ve fixed the broken water heater and got rid of the mold that’s every – FREAKIN’ – where!
Landlord: I don’t have to fix a thing if I don’t feel like it, and if I did fix it, why would you leave afterward?!
Tenant: To prove my point! And you too have to fix the water heater, it’s the law since, as you always say, it’s your apartment!
Landlord: I don’t have to fix it if you’re the one who broke it!
Tenant: It was broken when I moved in!
Landlord: Balderdash! And what about all those holes in the walls for your ugly photos?! I told you no holes in the walls, use the sticky strip hangers!
Tenant: …The holes were here when I moved in! And what about the mold?!
Landlord: Didn’t have mold until you moved in! Probably from all those way-too-hot showers I bet you take – I saw the paint peeling off the bathroom ceiling, and I’m not fixing that either!
Tenant: How can I take hot showers if the water heater’s broken?!
Landlord: Because I bet it’s not!
Tenant: You calling me a liar?!
Landlord: Yes! And a slob! And a noise polluter! I can hear your late-night parties from three states away!
Sibling 1: (Softly to Sibling 2) Right about that.
Sibling 2: (Softly to Sibling 1) That stinks.
Tenant: It’s a free country, I can have some friends over for tea if I like!
Landlord: At 2:00 in the morning?!
(Sibling 1 shudders at the memory; Sibling 2 pats Sibling 1 on the shoulder in sympathy)
Tenant: We all work nights! Blame capitalism!
Landlord: No, I blame you for being a bad neighbor, and for the maybe-broken water heater –
Tenant: <Gasp!>
Landlord: And for the mold –
Tenant: <GASP!>
Landlord: And for the messed-up walls, floors, and ceilings!
Tenant: (On an intake of breath) You wouldn’t dare!
Landlord: I’ve had it, I tell you! I’m losing money on this place every second you stand here, wrecking everything with your mere presence! I want you OUT!
Tenant: Can’t evict me, can’t evict me, I pay my rent, you’ve got nothin’ on me, nah-nah-nah-nah-naaah-naaah!
Landlord: All right, that does it! I’M TAKING THE FRIDGE!
Tenant: …WHAT?!
Landlord: You heard me! (Sounds of footsteps heading back to the hallway) None of your friends’ll wanna tea-party here if there’s no fresh food or cold drinks for them to gorge on! I bought the fridge, it’s mine, so you’d better take out whatever you’ve got in there in the next 30 seconds, `cause the whole thing’s going bye-bye!
Tenant: What – you – you can’t do that! And did you bring that thing here planning this ALL ALONG?!
Landlord: (Sounds of a hand truck being wheeled in) I can do whatever I want with MY PROPERTY! And whatever food’s still left in there by the time I leave is mine, too!
Tenant: Wait – no – (Sounds of a struggle with the refrigerator) I have a week’s worth of leftovers in there!
Landlord: Well then, there’s no time to waste, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(More sounds of a struggle and then items being tossed to the floor and a table, then of the refrigerator being lifted by the hand truck and wheeled out the door) You can keep the ice packs, since I’m feeling so generous! (Grunts while shoving the hand truck over the threshold) Think on your sins while I’m gone! (Sounds of the hand truck wheeling the refrigerator down the hallway)
Tenant: (Shouting out the open door) You monster! Just for that, I’m gonna take an EXTRA-HOT shower for an hour!
Landlord: HA! A confession at last!
Tenant: Oooh! The heater comes and goes! And you still didn’t get rid of the mold!
Landlord: At this point, the mold’s gonna get rid of you! (There is a DING! and then sound of the heavy hand truck being pushed into an elevator) And if I throw out my back from all this, I’m sending you the bill!
Tenant: I’ll paper over my ugly photos with it!
Landlord: It’d be an improvement! (Sounds of the elevator door closing)
Tenant: Why you – ! Oh, can’t hear me anymore.
(Sounds of the apartment door being slammed shut, heavy footsteps back to the bedroom for a minute and then back to the kitchen, a loud moan of annoyance, and items being gathered and dumped into ice chests)
Tenant: (Loudly on a phone) Hey, you busy?... Yeah, you got a spare fridge you can loan me for the next three months, until my lease here is up?... Nah, it can break down after that – then it’ll be the next tenant’s problem, heh-heh-heh!
Sibling 2: (Looks back at Sibling 1) As fascinating as all that was, can we put on a real movie now?
Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) Aw, what, you didn’t like it?
Sibling 2: I can’t believe you did! Having that – (Gestures to the ceiling) going on above me at all hours would drive me up the wall!
Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’ve gotten so invested, I’ve gotta find out how it ends!
Sibling 2: Probably with both a lawsuit and an eviction!
Sibling 1: Oh. How boringly realistic.
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