Story 232: Better Living by Extreme Gardening

              Announcer: And here is our host, Ivy “League” Weeding!

            Ivy: (Wearing workout clothes, scythe in hand, standing in a field) Hello everyone.  Thank you for joining me in strengthening your bodies, your minds, and most important of all, your pitiful pantries.  I will be blunt: you’re watching this show because all your workout regimes have failed.  The walking five miles every day before sunrise, the kickboxing yoga, the giant-tire tossing, the Channel-swimming – all were useless garbage that have failed you for the last time, plus they were boring as all out.  Now, I offer you a beacon of hope: an activity that is not just a workout, but a way of life.  Today, I will show you how to transform yourselves by transforming the Earth, seizing and wresting life from within the heart of it just as God must once have done.  So, pick up your scythe, find yourself an empty field, and let’s begin our journey into –

[Title Card: BETTER LIVING BY EXTREME GARDENING]

            (Cut to: Ivy clearing out a portion of the field)

            Ivy: (Speaking between swings) On your first garden – (Swing!) – you should clear out a plot just large enough – (Swing!) – to match your current abilities – (Swing!) – and your requirements for your kitchen table.  (Swing!  Swing!  Swing!)  (She pauses to wipe sweat off her brow) One acre by two acres should be sufficient for beginners.

            (Cut to: Ivy working on the cleared-out section with a hoe)

            Ivy: Now, I always recommend that garden plots be given a final comb-through with at least a half-dozen sheep – (She gestures with her head off to her left: the camera pans over to reveal said sheep, chewing away) – but nothing beats getting into the literal dirt by using a good old-fashioned hoe.  Yes indeed, you really get a full-body workout by vigorously hoeing away – (Stands suddenly) – that doesn’t sound right at all; make sure you edit out that last bit, yeah?

            (Cut to: Ivy pushing a plow)

            Ivy: (Slightly out of breath) Once cleared of all that pesky natural growth, it’s almost time to impose your will completely upon the helpless soil.  (Gets stuck for a moment; her feet scramble in place until the plow moves again) No need to impress our animal brethren into working our machines when the whole point is to improve our own bodies, hm?  (Slips and falls onto the ground, then makes a “Cut!” motion with her hand)

            (Cut to: Ivy running up and down rows, scattering seeds into the new troughs)

          Ivy: (As the camera skittishly follows her) Here’s where the magic happens: the miracle of creation, in the palms of our hands!  Right now I’m planting string beans, and I have never felt more fulfilled in my entire life!  (The camera stops following her and tilts down, with the sound of strained breathing heard) Just lie down and keep the lens facing this way!

            (Cut to: Ivy doing push-ups as she scoots across each row)

           Ivy: As you can see – (push and scoot) – the dirt will be packed more firmly – (push and scoot) – and your arms and abs will benefit more greatly (push and scoot) – using this method – (push and scoot) – however much more time – (push and scoot) – it may take.  (She spins around onto her back to do crunches) You also can switch it up – (scoot) – albeit in a dirtier way –

            (Cut to: a panorama of the planted field; the camera then pans down to Ivy, who is covered in dirt and prone on the ground in front of the garden)

            Ivy: (Faintly) At last, your routine is complete for the entire season: all you have to do is maintain this horde of treasure and your now-iron muscles with regular weeding.  (A nearly inaudible voice from off-camera is heard) If you’re wondering about watering your new kingdom, (She raises her arms above her) that is all taken care of by the very sky above us.  (The nearly inaudible voice is heard again; she drops her arms back to her sides) I’ve just been informed that there is little to no rain here at this time of year.  (She springs up off the ground) Perfect!  On to our supplemental course: “Increased Toning by Building Your Own Irrigation System”!