Thursday, September 12, 2019

Story 306: Subconscious Problem Solver


        (Inside The Mind – an Old West-style saloon, with Brain Cells as the customers and Subconscious as the bartender)
          Subconscious: (To Brain Cell at the bar) I know it’s all very thrilling and keeps the malaise at bay, but if The Host keeps this up then we’re just gonna keep losing more of you guys every time Cranium gets whacked.
            Brain Cell: But the thrill of it all!  (Whirls back to a table to rest)
           Subconscious: No one ever listens to me.  (To the rest of the room) Anyone want to hear that song from the 80s – you know, the catchy one about Australia?  (Mumbles of assent)  All righty then.  (Turns on the jukebox and plays remembered segments of the song; the rest of the room groggily hums along) There, that should be a nice distraction for a bit.  (Returns to the bar and starts straightening items that are askew)
           (A shadowy figure appears at the swinging doors and then slams them open, freezing in the entrance upon seeing all the slumped figures at the tables)
            Conscious: What on Earth…?
            Subconscious: Well, well, well, look who’s decided to check on things in the deep recesses of The Mind.  For a while there, I thought you’d forgotten we existed.
            Conscious: (Approaches the bar) Listen, you know I appreciate all you do here –
            Subconscious: Save it: what do you want?
            Conscious: I have another problem.
          Subconscious: Ugh, another problem?  You seem to be collecting them lately – maybe look into that, hm?
           Conscious: Yeah, yeah; see, the thing is, I have been trying and trying to find a way to fix this for days now, and so far – nothing.
            Subconscious: Really.
            Conscious: Yeah, and I thought, well, maybe if you worked on it like you usually do…?
            Subconscious: So I’m supposed to exhaust myself day and night trying to figure this thing out while you go off on your merry little way, singing songs and skipping stones and sleeping soundly until I call you with the answer that I had to wring out of my very soul?!
            Conscious: No-o, I’ll still be thinking about it every so often.
          Subconscious: HA!  It’s the same every time: “How’s it going?”  “Any ideas yet?”  “What’s taking so long?”  “Why haven’t you solved my self-imposed crisis yet, you lazy good-for-nothing?!”  And when I’m finally able to deliver, I don’t even get a “Thank you!”
            Conscious: Um… thank you?
            Subconscious: (Glares) Is that a question?
            Conscious: Um….
          Subconscious: Forget it – just tell me what it is.  (Conscious hands over a slip of paper that Subconscious reads) Seriously?!
            Conscious: Yeah, it’s a doozy.
            Subconscious: How do you get yourself into these messes?!
           Conscious: I honestly have no idea – maybe if I did, I wouldn’t get myself into them so much?
            Subconscious: (Tosses the paper back at Conscious) Fine, I’ll work on it, now scram.
           Conscious: (Heading towards the swinging doors) Gee, thanks Sub, I’ll owe you another one, you’re the best!  (Falls out through the doors)
            Subconscious: I’m certainly the better.

ONE WEEK LATER

            Subconscious: (To an Antibody at the bar) All right, we have room for you to stay as long as you make yourself useful.
            Antibody: Thanks awfully!  And I’ll get on that nasty virus right away!  (Dashes out the doors as Conscious arrives)
            Subconscious: Oh look, it’s the Master of the House.
            Conscious: Ha-ha, you rang?
          Subconscious: Yeah, I figured out your problem for you.  (Hands over a piece of paper that Conscious reads)
            Conscious: I can’t do that!
            Subconscious: It’s that or nothing.
            Conscious: (Tears up the paper) Unacceptable!  Come up with something else!
            Subconscious: The something else is nothing.
            Conscious: Noooo!!!  I won’t do it, I won’t!
          Subconscious: Fine, don’t – makes no difference to me, I just turn off my newsfeed when things get ugly out there.  (Switches off the TV that is mounted above the bar and tuned to the Five Senses Channel)
           Conscious: (Pouts for a while, then slumps) All right, I’ll do it since it seems I have no choice!
           Subconscious: Oh, good for you.  And you forgot something.
           Conscious: What, more no-win solutions?
           Subconscious: No, just two magic words.
           Conscious: I’m not thanking you for putting me in just as bad a position as I was when this all started!
           Subconscious: It would be best to think about any future favors you may need from me.  And stop being a brat.
            Conscious: Oh, all right – thank you.
         Subconscious: You’re welcome, now get out – you’re upsetting my customers, and they already don’t like you.
            Conscious: (To the room) But you’re all a part of me, too!
            Brain Cell: Yeah, but we like the other guy better.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Story 305: Holding Onto August 31



AUGUST 24

            (On a beach, two siblings are lounging on chairs close to the ocean)
            Sibling 1: (Sighs) Man, I’m bummed.
           Sibling 2: How’s that?  Isn’t this one of the pinnacles of relaxation: lying in front of soothing waves, thinking of nothing?
           Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’m not thinking of nothing, am I?  I’m thinking of how summer’s over next week.
            Sibling 2: No it isn’t – summer isn’t over until the Autumnal Equinox on September 23.
           Sibling 1: Technically, but just as summer unofficially begins on Memorial Day in May, it also unofficially ends on Labor Day in September.  All the fun shore venues close up shop, the beaches become do-not-enter zones, the tourists cease their mass migration oceanward, and the dreaded s-word is set to begin all over again that week.
            Sibling 2: S-word?
         Sibling 1: School.  The children must report for duty by Thursday the latest and bid their carefree lives farewell for yet another 9.75 months.
            Sibling 2: Yeah, but you don’t have to go to school anymore, so what do you care?
            Sibling 1: I endured that ordeal for too many years to ever get over it.
            Sibling 2: Whatever.
           Sibling 1: Whatever indeed – at any rate, for me, summer truly ends the second that September begins.
            Sibling 2: And that’s not even for another week, so just enjoy today and stop nattering on the inevitable.  “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened,” or however the saying goes.
            Sibling 1: I guess.  (Gnaws lip in thought) Or….
            Sibling 2: (Temporarily distracted by the waves) Hm?
            Sibling 1: Or… something can be done about it.
            Sibling 2: What, you mean like declaring an extra federal holiday?
            Sibling 1: No, I’m thinking of something a big further-reaching.  And more permanent.
            Sibling 2: Such as…?
            Sibling 1: You’ll see.  (Turns to the side to snuggle into the beach chair) Yes, it’ll all be sorted out nicely.
            Sibling 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi!  Have any good plans for today?
            Sibling 2: Yes, actually – some errands first, but then going out to the boardwalk with the fam and dinner and ice cream later.  What about you?
          Sibling 1: Theme park all day, quick meeting to close the deal, then watching the sunset closely to make sure it takes.
            Sibling 2: Wait, what?
            Sibling 1: Enjoy your day!
            Sibling 2: Oh… kaaaayyyyy….

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Goooooood – morning!  Have any wonderful plans for this glorious day?
            Sibling 2: (Groggy) Uh, yes, actually, I think – some errands, and….
            Sibling 1: Boardwalk with the fam and then dinner and ice cream later?
            Sibling 2: Yeah… how did you – ?
            Sibling 1: Just intuition.  Enjoy your day!
            Sibling 2: Thanks…. Hey, wait, what’re you doing today?
            Sibling 1: Reveling in all the glory that is Endless Summer.
            Sibling 2: Tomorrow is September, you know.
            Sibling 1: Oh, is it?

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Howdy-howdy-howdy!  Any exciting, fantastic, splendiferous plans for this magnificent day of days?
            Sibling 2: All right, now I know we’ve had this conversation already – what is going on?!
            Sibling 1: Whatever do you mean, love?
            Sibling 2: For one thing, you’re never this happy!
            Sibling 1: Point taken.
            Sibling 2: I can’t believe I’m even asking this: are we all reliving the same day, over and over again?!
            Sibling 1: (Giggles) You weren’t supposed to notice.
            Sibling 2: What have you done?!
          Sibling 1: Let’s just say I made an arrangement with a certain party who has influence over such things.
          Sibling 2: What?!  Did you sell your soul to the Devil like we’re all specifically told not to do?!
          Sibling 1: Ewgh, no, nothing that banal.  Let’s just say I ensured certain conditions were met –
          Sibling 2: You know what: forget it, I don’t even want to know the details because I might incriminate myself later, just – put it back!
            Sibling 1: Put what back?
            Sibling 2: The day!  The calendar!  Earth’s orbit!  The space-time continuum!
            Sibling 1: But why would I want to do that?
            Sibling 2: Because this is wrong!
           Sibling 1: How so?  You have a great day ahead planned, all the damage we humans have done to the planet and outer space is now suspended and literally can’t get any worse, and I know for a fact only tiny natural disasters occur today, so why end it?  We’re all happy as we are right now, aren’t we?
            Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) I’m sure there’s a significant percentage of beings here who are having an absolutely terrible day, and now have to go through it all again and again and again!
           Sibling 1: Oh.  Well, that unfortunately will always be the case – I pray their sufferings are brief.
            Sibling 2: You’ve condemned us all to a never-ending day!
            Sibling 1: A wonderful never-ending day.  The last day of summer, which now will be the only day as far as we’re all concerned.  And on that note, have a great day!
          Sibling 2: I won’t now, and I never will!  And you realize that it’s only summer for the Northern Hemisphere, right?  You’re prolonging the last day of winter for everyone else!
Sibling 1: Umm…
Sibling 2: This day is completely ruined – change it back!
            Sibling 1: (Chuckles) Now, now, you just need to get yourself acclimated to your new reality.  Why don’t you mix it up a little – you already did all that boardwalk whatchamacallit stuff today, so why not try something you’ve never done before, like family kickboxing lessons, or cliff diving?
          Sibling 2: I’m hanging up now, and when I wake up tomorrow it had better be tomorrow!
            Sibling 1: You sound just like Mom.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 2: (On the phone) What the –
            Sibling 1: Look, don’t be mad –
            Sibling 2: Too late for that!
            Sibling 1: I thought maybe if you gave it once more chance –
            Sibling 2: CHANGE.  IT.  BACK!
            Sibling 1: Grumpy.  What you need is a summer vacation – (The call disconnects)

SEPTEMBER 1

           Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi.  You happy now?  It’s your precious September, and it’s cold and damp and cloudy and everything.
            Sibling 2: Yes.  I am very happy, and I’m sure the space-time continuum is, too.
            Sibling 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whelp, summer’s over, my life is miserable yet again, and it’s all downhill from here.
            Sibling 2: Look on the bright side: you get it all back in May.
            Sibling 1: Yippee – I could be dead by then.
            Sibling 2: Always the optimist.
            Sibling 1: Still, I suppose it could be worse.
            Sibling 2: How so?
           Sibling 1: I could be stuck living in one of the Poles, South or North.  There it wouldn’t matter what month it is: every day of the year would be Endless Winter.