Story 266: Corralling the Cub Scouts

            (In a restaurant, there is a gathering of servers)

            Leader: All right gang, eyes on me.  (Several in the group wander off) I said “Eyes on me!”  (They snap to) Now: we have quite a pancake breakfast crowd this morning and they’re all here to donate to a good cause, so we absolutely need to be at the top of our game today.  That means no lollygagging when seating people, no tomfoolery when getting their orders, and no dilly-dallying when clearing their tables.  You with me, people?!  (Blank stares, and one starts to cry)  I am surrounded by amateurs.

            Scoutmaster: (Briskly walks towards the group) Listen up, Tigers, Wolves, Bears, Webelos, and whatnots, it’s showtime!  Remember what we talked about at our last meeting, and go out there and take care of your guests!

            Leader: I’ve just now been giving them a firm but fair pep talk, sir!

            Scoutmaster: That’s great – why don’t you go with your mother and start seating people?

            Leader: Aye-aye!

           (The guests arrive at all sorts of staggered times, even though the event notice clearly stated “8:00 a.m.”)

            Leader: (To a table of two) Are you ready to order?

            Guest 1: Oh yes, I would like the T-bone steak please, heh-heh.

           Leader: I’m sorry, but they only have the pancakes and sides listed on the voucher.

            Guest 1: Oh shucks, heh-heh, guess I’ll have those and a coffee.

            Leader: (To Guest 2) Are you ready to order?

           Guest 2: If there’s only one item on the menu, we don’t really need to order.  (Leader blinks) I’ll have the same.

            Guest 1: Ooh!  Could I also have some milk?

            Leader: Let me check for you.  (Surreptitiously places a “Difficult” sticker on the edge of the table)

            (Later on)

           Leader: (To another Cub Scout) Stop banging those mugs together, they’ll break!  (To another) Did you seat those people hovering around the door yet?

            Cub Scout 1: Uh.....

            Leader: Never mind!  I’ll do it!  (On the way to the front of the restaurant, grabs another Cub Scout’s tie) You!  Have you been clearing tables as people finish?

            Cub Scout 2: Uh….

           Leader: Because there are one-two-three-four-all the tables as far the eye can see filled with empty plates and empty glasses!  Now get a move on!  (Releases the tie and approaches the family standing by the front door) Hello – three?

            Guest 3: Yes, please.

            Leader: Follow me, please.  (Leads them to an empty booth) Please have a seat.

            Guest 4: He’s so cute!  What is he, 8 going on 40?

            Leader: (After they are settled) Are you ready to order now?

            Guest 5: Why yes, I’d like a mimosa.  (The three chuckle)

         Leader: Sorry, we are not serving alcohol at this event – just orange juice, coffee, and apparently milk on request.

            Guest 3: We’ll all have orange juice, please

          Guest 4: Yes, and pancakes too, if it’s not too much trouble.  (Winks exaggeratedly)

            Leader: It’s not – pancakes are the only item on the menu anyway.  (Hustles out the orders to them with several assistants) Here you go!  Anything else?

            Guest 5: Just the check, please.  (The three chuckle again)

          Leader: You actually already paid; may I have the vouchers?  (The three hand them over) Thank you – have a great day! 

Guest 4: He’s so cute!

(Leader conducts a sweep of the area and spins in a circle seeing the dirty place settings all over several tables)

Leader: What is this madness?!

        Assistant Cubmaster: Honey, why don’t you sit down for a few minutes and have some breakfast?

            Leader: But Mom, I am the only one supervising 20 tables and they’re all covered in absolute filth!  I can’t work under these conditions, I just can’t!

            Scoutmaster: Hey everyone, Santa Claus is here!

            Leader: The man himself!  (Joins the rush to see The Right Jolly Old Elf)

            (After the initial scrum has subsided)

           Leader: Oh no, I’ve completely lost track of my tables!  (Runs to each) Do you need to order?!  Do you need to order?!  Do you need to – ?!

            Guest 6: We’re actually the pre-lunch crowd, kid; I think your event’s wrapping up.

          Leader: What?!  Our guests left without completing the surveys I gave them to rate their experience?!

            Guest 6: I see management in your future.

Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.