Story 502: Shore Excursion Mishaps

 DAY 5

 (In the middle of a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 along with 10 other tourists sit in a giant raft while holding small paddles and wearing giant life jackets, giant rubber pants, and giant rubber boots.  The tour guide seated at the rear rows mightily, speaking between each long row)

Tour Guide: Now, you all remember how I told you to hang on or scooch over to one side when I yell at you to do so while we’re in the rapids, yes?  (They all nod and/or say “Yes”) Good, because this raft has never flipped over once and no one has ever fallen out in the five years I’ve been doing this, and you are not ruining my perfect record, m’kay?  (They all nod and say “Yes” again) Great.  Now, you see that you all have paddles in your hands and most of your fellows in the other rafts don’t for a very good reason: most of the other rafts have only 10 guests, whereas I drew the short straw today and got the 12-seater, which pushes past the tipping point of any of our superhuman rowing capabilities.  In short: there’s one of me, 12 of you, combined with raft and equipment to make thousands of pounds; do the math.

Tourist 1: OK: if each of us weighs between –

Tour Guide: Bottom line is, you all are gonna have to pitch in with paddling at some points on this adventure, or else it’ll all be over real fast, you get me?  (Eleven people nod; Friend 1 raises a hand) And no, there are no discounts for having to work on this trip – it was clearly stated in the fine print!

Friend 1: (Lowers hand and mutters) Drat.

Friend 2: (Looks away from Friend 1 and also mutters) So embarrassing.

Tourist 2: (Raises a hand) I actually have a prosthetic hand that I’m still getting used to, so I’m not sure if I can help much with this.

Tour Guide: You’re excused; enjoy the ride.

Tourist 2: Wow.  An actual perk.  (Sets down the paddle and slightly relaxes)

Tour Guide: So!  (Starts rowing the raft in circles) If everyone remembers what to do exactly when I need you to do it, you should all have a GREAT TIME, DO YOU HEAR ME?!!  Ooh look, a bear.  (Everyone turns to the shoreline and sees a grizzly bear standing on hind legs and waving a front paw at them) That’s new – they usually never come out like this.

Tourist 3: Oh dear; can they swim?

Tour Guide: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Starts rowing in one direction again, heading for the river as Tourist 3 turns back to the bear with a terrified expression) Now, if you look over at those mountains there, you can see the glacier that feeds the lake and river.

Tourists and Friends: Oooooooooooooh….

Tour Guide: It’s melting 2 inches a day, so it’ll be gone by next year.

Tourists and Friends: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Tour Guide: Yeah; take your pictures now, I guess.  (Phones are taken out of waterproof bags for sad snapshots) All right, that’s enough – we’re coming up to the rapids so get your paddles ready!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1 as they all put back their phones and get their paddles ready) This is exciting!

Friend 1: Not really: I fully intended to be a passive passenger on this extravaganza, so I will assume zero responsibility if this vessel capsizes.

(The raft starts bobbing up and down rapidly as the rapid rapids do their thing)

Tourists and Friends: Whee!

Tour Guide: (Rowing and steering wildly) None of that – start paddling on the left!  (To the ones on the right who also started paddling) Knock it off!  (Some on the left stop) Not you – (To the ones on the right) you!

Tourist 4: I’m so confused!

Friend 1: (Turns around to face Tour Guide) Yeah, maybe don’t have tourists be your only crew on these things!

Tour Guide: It’s in the fine print!

Friend 1: (Waves the paddle) It clearly diminishes the experience!

Tour Guide: (Leans back while looking ahead) Brace yourselves, everyone – waterfall!

Friend 1: (Turns forward while speaking) Water–WHAAAAAAA – ???!!!  (The rest is drowned out by the waterfall)

(On reaching the slightly calmer waters at the bottom, everyone in the raft is drenched)

Tour Guide: Now – (Shakes head rapidly back and forth to dislodge the excess water) Wasn’t that fun?

Tourists: (Mumbling) Yeah, sure, it was all right….

Tourist 5: I’m wet!

Tourist 6: I have no idea how you’ve made it this long in the world.

Friend 2: (Looks around frantically) Um, we lost somebody.  (Leans over the now-empty space on the bench and searches out over the water) We lost somebody!

Tour Guide: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Is there anyone in the water when they should be in the raft?  (Sees a head pop up) Gotcha!  (Steers the raft over and leans out to pull up a figure in the water by the life jacket)

Friend 2: You’re not ours!

Not-Ours Tourist: Oh, hey, I got swept overboard when we were skirting around the whirlpool and got sucked back here – since you have an empty spot, can I hitch a lift?  It’s pretty chilly in here.

Tour Guide: Absolutely not!  Still gotta find mine!

(Another raft paddles over)

Tour Guide 2: Hi!  That one’s ours; could you shove `em over here, please?

Tour Guide: Sure.  (Shoves Not-Ours Tourist over to the other raft where the latter is hauled up by the tourists in that vessel)

Tour Guide 2: Thanks – we were doing great until we hit Charybdis, so I headed back a bit to pick up this one and regroup.  (Peers at Tour Guide’s raft) I see you lost one, too?

Tour Guide: Waterfall.

Tour Guide 2: Whelp, there goes our winning streak – two in one day, not good.  I’ll give a shout if I see yours, all right?

Tour Guide: Appreciate it.

Tourist 7: (Whispers to Tourist 8) I notice there are 12 in their group but they don’t have paddles.

Tourist 8: (Whispers back) Typical – we always get stuck with the working vacations.

Tour Guide: Is that mutiny I hear?!

Friend 2: Who cares?!  My friend is still overboard!

Tour Guide: Oh yeah – can they swim?

Friend 2: Barely!

Tour Guide: Hm.  Not the best excursion to be on then, is it?

Friend 2: Listen, you – !

Friend 1: (Standing on the edge of a bank and waving wildly) Howdy-ho!

Friend 2: (Waving wildly back) Oh thank goodness; I thought this was just about to turn into a tragedy.

Tourist Guide: Great, you look fine – just swim on over here!

Friend 1: (Stops waving abruptly) In a pig’s eye!  I’ve had enough frozen swimming in a non-swimming activity today, I-thank-you!

Tour Guide: (Rolls eyes and rows the raft over to the bank) Ugh, fine, I’ll bring us closer but you’ll have to wade out a little to climb in, all right?

Friend 1: I suppose that’ll have to do.  (Wades out and hops onto the bench next to Friend 2, who rubs the shivering Friend 1’s arms to warm them)

Friend 2: You OK?

Friend 1: (Teeth chattering) Shockingly, yes: there were about 20 boulders I missed on the way here, but a helpful seal guided me to shore.  Not sure why – it would’ve been the perfect opportunity for Nature Revenge.

Tour Guide: OK everybody, paddles at the ready, here comes the whirlpool!

Tourist 9: Isn’t that where the other group lost one of their own just now?

Tourist 10: Yes, who’s next?!

Friend 1: Not me, that’s for sure – I already did my time in the drink.

Tourist 10: Yes, it could happen again!

Friend 1: You volunteering?!

Tour Guide: Aaaaaaand – paddle for your lives!

Friend 1: (Looks around for lost paddle and mutters) I’m not paying for that.

(The rest paddle frantically as they circle the whirlpool)

Friend 2: Not to hit the panic button, but are we supposed to be going deeper?

Tour Guide: (Looks up at the small patch of sky as the raft descends farther into the vortex) Huh.  Never had that happen before.

Tourist 1: Is now a good time to freak out?!

Tour Guide: Sure, why not?

Tour Guide, Tourists, and Friends: (As they are flushed into the heart of the river) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….!!!!!

 10 MINUTES LATER

(The raft glides smoothly along the river toward a dock where another employee from the tour company calmly awaits their arrival)

Tour Guide: (Lazily rowing) Well!  If I’d known that whirlpool was also a warp zone to our final destination, I’d’ve taken it every time years ago.

Friend 2: We almost drowned!

Tourist 5: Yeah, I’m wet!

Tourist 6: (Shakes dripping head) Hopeless.

Friend 1: (Smiling serenely) Actually, that part was kind of fun – can we do it again?

Friend 2 and Tourists: NO!

Friend 2: Are you nuts?!

Friend 1: …I may have a bit of hypothermia right now.

Tour Guide: (Stops the raft at the dock; Tourists and Friends are helped out by the employee) Go grab blankets and turn in all your gear at the rest area, please – there also are hot drinks and some snacks since you all had such an AMAZING ADVENTURE TODAY!

Tourist 2: (Nearly falling out of the raft) Your tip will be a maximum of $2 from each of us, and that much only for the fact that you eventually got us back in one piece.

Tour Guide: Dang it.

Friend 1: (Helped by Friend 2 over to a bench, still shivering) Did you notice how many bald eagles were just casually hanging out along the river?

Friend 2: (Also shivering) Not especially!

Friend 1: Too bad: that was the best part.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Friend 1: (Lounging on the couch, wrapped up in multiple blankets; answers phone) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Sitting at a kitchen table on the other end) So, did you read the article I sent to you yet?

Friend 1: The one about a river flooding and destroying all those homes?  Sure, sounded awful, but why’d you send it to me?

Friend 2: Did you happen to notice where that happened?!

Friend 1: Yeah, it was in Alaska; so?

Friend 2: That was the river we were just on!

Friend 1: No it wasn’t.

Friend 2: Yes it was; it was the melting glacier we saw there that flooded everything and ruined all those lives!

Friend 1: No, that was a different melting glacier; the photos in the article looked nothing like the river we were on.  Plus the captions called it an entirely different name.

Friend 2: Oh.  You sure?

Friend 1: I am intimately acquainted with the geography of that river, so yes.  And this is for real the last time we’re ever talking about “The Incident”.

Friend 2: I can’t hear air quotes but I’m assuming that’s what you did.  So, even though it wasn’t the same river we were on, the whole disaster being caused by the unnaturally melting glacier really makes you think about our impact as tourists and as human beings on a whole, doesn’t it?  Even though what we did there was relatively passive.    

Friend 1: Speak for yourself: I swear I could hear that bear laughing at us the entire time.

Story 501: Never Turn Down a Free Cruise

NOVEMBER

 Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, I’m in the middle of the supermarket checkout line and everyone’s glaring at me, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You… could’ve just let it go to voicemail and called me back later.

Friend 1: I could’ve but now I’m in too deep, so what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, long story short, I found out I won an actual, legitimate cruise for two to Alaska for next year and since none of my family are even remotely interested I figured I’d ask you next.

Friend 1: Aw, offering me to be your plus-one on a free cruise, you’re so sweet!  This must be what it feels like to be rich!

Friend 2: A little bit, yeah.  But it’s only the room and main meals that are free – everything else is à la carte.

Friend 1: Naturally.  You know, I’ve never been on a cruise before; I’ll have to think about it first and get back to you.

Shopper 1: (Standing behind Friend 1) What’s to think about; it’s a free cruise!

Shopper 2: (Standing in front of Friend 1; turns around) Where’s it going?

Friend 1: Alaska.

Shopper 2: I’ve always wanted to go there!  Take the free ride!

Shopper 1: If you don’t, I will!

Friend 2: Sounds like the committee voted “Yes.”

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Yeah, sure, it sounds great, it’s just all so sudden, I have to figure out if I can get time off from work and how we’re gonna get there and back and all the logistics stuff.

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: (To Shopper 2) Clearly I do.

Friend 2: It’ll be in July so it’s plenty of advance notice for work; I’ll book everything and let you know whatever your share is for plane tickets and what-not; this’ll-be-great-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Puts away the phone and stares into space) “Plane tickets”?

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: But flying’s such an ordeal; can’t the ship just swing by and pick me up?

 JULY

DAY 1

(At a pier in Seattle)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1 after they pay their taxi driver and Haul their suitcases to the line of tourists; points to the docked cruise ship) There it is!  Life size now!

Friend 1: (Looking around) There what is?  A giant apartment building’s blocking the view.

Friend 2: That’s it!  That’s the ship!  Don’t you see the lifeboats and the bow and the portholes?!

Friend 1: (Long blinks and looks at the entire vessel up and down) That’s the ship?!  It’s a floating city!

Friend 2: Pretty much – last I heard the medical bay was expanded into a full-blown hospital this year, complete with a double-decker ambulance.  Didn’t you watch any of the videos I sent you that showed all the stuff on board?

Friend 1: I wanted to manage my expectations.

(Later on the pool deck, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lounge on chairs and watch the kiddies and their parents splash around)

Friend 1: (Eating an ice cream sundae) I’ve noticed that no matter how early in a party it is, there’s always somebody in the pool.

Friend 2: Yep – it’ll probably be too cold for most of the trip once we head north, but there’s a heated pool inside and a few hot tubs we can bake in for about 15 minutes a pop.

Friend 1: Too cold?  It’s the middle of summer!

Friend 2: Yeah, and we’ll be knocking on the door of the Arctic Circle.

Friend 1: Tell that to the now-amphibious polar bears!

Friend 2: (Sips a lemonade and mutters) It’s not that bad there.  Yet.

Friend 1: (Devours the cone) Well, the minute I see palm trees where we’re going, I’ll know the end has come.  (Opens a brochure to Juneau that shows palm trees in the scenery; holds out the picture to Friend 2) KNEW IT!!!

Friend 2: Relax; palm trees can grow there; we’ll still see glaciers and snow.

Friend 1: Before they turn to water!

Friend 2: (Stands) Whatever: I’m going to our skydiving simulator reservation – you still coming?

Friend 1: (Immediately trots to the upper deck) No need to ask.

(In the main dining room at dinner)

Friend 1: (Reading a menu) So I can order every single thing on this, twice, and not get charged for it?

Friend 2: Basically, except for the specials on the bottom that are extra – everything else is included, so go wild.

Friend 1: (Softly, while scanning the dish descriptions) Yesssss….

Server: (Returning after taking drink orders earlier) Hello, ready to order?

Friend 1: Yes: I want one of each, sans the items with dollar signs next to them, and the extras boxed up to bring back to the room, please.

Server: (Writing down “EVERYTHING”) OK, I’ll wheel you out a few trays later.  (To Friend 2) Same for you?

Friend 2: No thanks – just the salad, fish, and key lime pie, please.  (To Friend 1) I actually have some self-control.

Friend 1: Apparently, that attitude is not encouraged here.

Server: (Finishes writing the orders and takes the menus) Great – your food will be out in a few minutes!  There’ll also be a magic show here starting soon that’ll be your entertainment for the evening, so enjoy!  (Leaves to round on 10 other tables)

Friend 1: Wow.  Everyone who works here is super nice – I almost feel guilty.

Friend 2: Why?

Friend 1: Because I’m tempted to start asking for unreasonable things just to see if they’ll do it.

Friend 2: Ew – I thought you were going to say you feel bad that they’re working all the time trying to “please” us and all we have to do is be grateful and tip generously afterward.

Friend 1: That too.  (Glances at watch) I forgot to check – when’s this show getting on the road?

Friend 2: The magic show?

Friend 1: No, the cruise!  I thought we would’ve started sailing ages ago!

Friend 2: We did.  (Gestures to a window) See?  Just the open water now.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to stare, then places hands on the table and stares at it) I don’t even feel anything moving….

Friend 2: I know, right?  Ship stabilizers are great these days!

Friend 1: (Still holding onto the steady table) Most… disconcerting….

(Several hours later)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they leave the main theater with the rest of the audience) I tell ya, that juggler-acrobat-comedian-contortionist-stenographer was great!  Sure don’t get talent like that back home!

Friend 2: We… sure do, all the time; how many shows are in our area that are just like that?

Friend 1: Yeah, but it feels more special when it’s being done on the high seas.  (Stops to peer longingly at a gourmet milkshake shop in the main avenue of the ship as the crowds and scooters whiz by all around them)

Friend 2: That stuff’s part of the extras, you know.

Friend 1: Yet totally worth it.  (Turns to take in everyone around them) Would you look at that: people came from all over the world to this one spot, either to have a good time or to possibly be overworked providing a good time to others.  I wonder if this is the closest the world’ll ever get to utopia?

Friend 2: I doubt it: too expensive, consumerist, and wasteful to be ideal.

Friend 1: (Glances at the plate suddenly in Friend  2’s hands) I noticed that hasn’t stopped you from taking all the free pizza.

Friend 2: (Between bites) When am I ever gonna get the chance again to have 10 different styles of pie and not feel it in my wallet?  I’m at peace with my hypocrisy.

Friend 1: That’s great.  (Takes out phone and scrolls through the ever-expanding itinerary on the cruise app) Well, it’s only midnight; up next is standing on line for an hour for bumper cars – you in?

Friend 2: No thanks; that’s all you.

Friend 1: Oh, it will be once I’m done demolishing my teenage adversaries.  (Skips away to run up 10 flights of stairs rather than wait two minutes for an elevator)

Friend 2: (Also takes out phone to check the app) No way they can fit bumper cars on this thing.  (Sees a picture of the massive sports center) Heh – whaddya know.  (Continues eating with one hand while scrolling with the other and walking toward the casino) Ooh, pickleball at 7 a.m. – trendy.

 DAY 8

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line with their suitcases to disembark the ship)

Friend 1: I can’t believe we’ve been here more than a week and it’s already over!  I didn’t even get to check out the library yet!

Friend 2: There’s way too much going on to do everything; I’m just glad I got to do all the trivia contests I wanted.  Lost them all, but still.

Friend 1: Speak for yourself – I won a fabulous highlighter that one time.

Friend 2: We were supposed to be working as a team, you know.

Friend 1: Is it my fault you have zero knowledge of 80s music?  I can’t be held back when I’m on a winning streak.

Friend 2: Anyway, those and the shore excursions were what I really wanted to do, and I’m glad they all went well.

Friend 1: Yep, those were great.  Learned so much about the Native American tribes who live there, and the Russian colonists who used to live there, and all the land the latter sold to the U.S. right out from under the former, and how the U.S. was all “Too bad”, and how there’s really nothing you and I can do about it now except appreciate the history and culture and give lots and lots of tourism money.

Friend 2: …Yeah, all that.  And we did get to see the glaciers.

Friend 1: And loads of bald eagles and ravens!  But, disappointed - no whales.

Friend 2: Or dolphins.

Friend 1: Or bears.

Friend 2: Eh – not up close for me.

Friend 1: Or Northern Lights.

Friend 2: Wrong time of year.

Friend 1: Still – lately they’ve been showing up randomly way south of where they should be, it would’ve been nice when we’re actually in their home base if they’d made a guest appearance just once during the 10 p.m. sunsets.

Friend 2: Sure, sure.  Well, at least we got to see the glaciers before they fully melted.

Friend 1: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  (Looks out to the pier and mutters) Pun intended.

Friend 2: Yeah.  (They advance several inches in line) Since you really got to experience glacier melt firsthand.

Friend 1: (Still looking out to the pier) We agreed never to speak of that again….

 TO BE CONTINUED

Story 500: Anniversaries

“I just realized: today’s my five-year work anniversary.”

“Really?  You’ve been here that long already?”

“I know, right?  It feels like I started last week, and then whoosh!  Five years flew past my face.”

“I actually didn’t think you’d make it past that first week.”

“Thanks.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, babe?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Since it’s our 10-year anniversary this year, I think we should do something really special to celebrate, like a trip across the state line, or jumping out of a launching space shuttle, you know?”

“Definitely!  Gotta commemorate the first 10 years of our life sentence, am-I-right?  Heh-heh-heh!”

“Hee-hee, that joke just gets funnier every year!”

“…OK, I’ll stop.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe it!”

“Can’t believe what?”

“Today is my 50^th birthday!  Five-zero!  When did that happen?!”

“Today?”

“No, I mean, how did 50 entire anniversaries of my birth go by, and I manage to do absolutely nothing with my life?!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say absolutely nothing – ”

“Don’t patronize me!  Fifty whole years of mediocrity and inertia!  It makes one want to cry out, ‘What is the point of meeeeee????!!!!’”

“Usually I’d be crying that out right along with you, Captain, but ‘Dinner With the Passengers Night’ starts in about 10 minutes and if you keeping going on like this the cruise line might say you’re dampening the party-ship spirit.”

“Oh all right; I’ll pick up this up again when we get back here after dessert.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Wow, that’s amazing.”

“What is?”

“It says here that this statue was erected exactly 100 years ago… today!  What are the odds?”

“Astronomical.  So this statue’s a century old, huh?”

“Yeah; can’t you just feel the age seeping off of it?  The history?  The artistry?”

“Hmmm… doesn’t look at all like the person it’s supposed to, though.”

“I didn’t want to mention it.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“We made it!  Arrived exactly on the day this magnificent tree turns 500 years old!”’

“Wow.  Happy 500^th Birthday, Tree!”

Thank you.

“Who said that?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“And so, we commemorate the 1,000-year anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, marking the beginning of the current English monarchy, and indeed the British Empire as we know it today, except the Empire is basically back to just the one island again, and the monarchy are mainly figureheads, and the debate on whether the system should stick around or be dissolved completely goes on, but still: 1,000 years, ba-by!  Top that!”

“The Kush Empire lasted over 1,400 years.”

“…Great for them!”

“The Assyrian Empire also lasted over 1,400 – ”

“You from the U.S.?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me when you’ve collectively lasted a few hundred years more, m’kay?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I just realized: the Earth’s having its 4.55 billionth birthday this year!  Plus or minus 50 million years.”

“Well, technically, the Earth wasn’t born from anything, so it can’t have a birthday.”

“Yeah it was: it was born from the planetary nebula that made the Sun and all the other stuff in our solar system.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Whatever; an anniversary of its existence, then?”

“Sure.”

“OK: the Earth is having its 4.55-Billionth-Plus-or-Minus-50-Million-Years Anniversary this year!”

“Wow.  Makes you realize the true vastness of the universe, and how miniscule and insignificant we really are.”

“Yeah…. What anniversary gift would that year be, you think?”

“I dunno.  Maybe a supernova?”

“Sweet.”