Time:
The Past – Somewhere around the 1400s to 1600s
Place:
Generic Western European Kingdom
Characters:
King, Queen, Their 15 Children Who All Hate Each Other and Their Parents, Lord
#1 Who Loves the King But Loves the Throne More, Lord #2 Who Loves the Queen
But Loves Himself More, Old Duke Who Was a Father to Them All and Is Outraged
at How Awful They All Turned Out, Assassin Who Appears Occasionally to Move the
Plot Along, Rival Queen Who Wants to Annex the Country Without Their
Permission, Jester Who Is the Lone Voice of Reason in This Whole Mess, and
Various Nobles, Guards, Soldiers, Entourage, and Other Riffraff
All
dialogue is sung.
ACT I
(The
curtain opens on the palace’s throne room filled with most of the main
characters, all gathered to witness the Exposition Dump)
Ensemble:
<Exposition Dump!>
King:
<I just want to take this moment to announce: I love how rich and powerful I
am.>
Queen:
<I second that! We are living in
Heaven on Earth and nothing can disrupt our happiness!>
15
Children: <Plot – connive – scheme – whine – >
Eldest
Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I say that we have
everything anyone could ever want, but that is garbage because we want the
throne now, waaaaaah!>
Jester:
<Why would you want the burden of protecting thousands of people and dealing
with their constant skirmishes and complaints?>
Eldest
Child: <Shut up, Fool!>
Jester:
(To King and Queen) <Majesties, you may want to keep an eye on and possibly
lock up your plotting children.>
King
and Queen: <Shut up, Fool!>
Jester:
<Sigh.>
Lord
#1: <Your Majesties, that Rival Queen who recently tried to invade is trying
to invade again but in a different spot this time, hoping we will not notice.>
King:
<Ah me, whatever is to be done?>
Queen:
<Aside – I hope my Peasant Lover did not chance to be in that same area and is
now horribly invaded!>
King:
<You didn’t Aside properly – I heard everything.>
Queen:
<Curses!>
King:
<Quite all right: I was thinking the exact same thing about my
Peasant Lover, so we are on the same page with that.>
Queen:
<Felicity!>
Jester:
<Majesties, might I propose – like I did during the first invasion – that
you send orders to our soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the
rest of the border to make sure no one sneaks in anywhere else?>
King:
<Shut up, Fool!> (Jester tosses away scepter in defeat) <Lord
#1, go send soldiers to meet this threat and also investigate the rest of the
border.>
Lord
#1: <As you wish, Sire. Aside – with
the soldiers all gone, this will be the perfect chance to seize the throne from
my best friend in the whole world, bwahahahaa!>
King:
<You didn’t Aside properly either, you know.>
Lord
#1: <Oops.>
King:
<Indeed.> (To Guards) <Off with my best friend’s head, would you?>
Lord
#1: (Dragged off-stage by Guards) <And I only wanted absolute power over
everyone’s lives, alassssssss!>
King:
<And that is that. Now what is for
lunch?>
Queen:
<There is no time for something that mundane in an epic such as this! We have a plot to advance and human emotion
to drown in!>
King:
<But I want a sandwich.>
Lord
#2: <Your Majesty, might I suggest we flee to a remote little palace where
we can sit out all this hullabaloo in decadent comfort and sweet, sweet love
that can only be found in each other’s arms?>
King:
<That sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.>
Lord
#2: <I actually was addressing the Queen.>
Queen:
<Well, then that sounds like an excellent idea – lead the way.> (Begins
to exit on the arm of Lord #2)
King:
<Halt!> (They freeze; he points to the Queen) <You – stay by my side.>
Queen:
(Grudgingly returns to the King’s side) <Tyrannical patriarch.>
King:
(Points to Lord #2) <You – can go get your head removed now.>
Lord
#2: <Actually, it was all a joke, you are all too serious around here,
tee-hee-hee – flee!> (Jumps out the window)
Queen:
<My false love! What horror!>
King:
<Eh, have better taste next time.>
Queen:
<Yes dear, you are quite right.>
Jester:
<Majesties, word in the hamlet is that the invading army is only a day’s
ride away – perhaps we should relocate to safety? As in, right now?>
King:
<Shut – oh right, I already agreed to this plan, let’s go.> (The Nobles
and Guards exit en masse to signify that the entire court has packed up and
evacuated in under 30 seconds)
Old
Duke: (Stands center stage, alone) <Where did I go wrong with this
bunch?> (Assassin runs in and stabs him) <What the blazes was that?!>
(Dies)
Assassin:
(Toes the body and stares closer at the face) <Hold on, did I just get the
wrong guy?>
CURTAIN
ACT II
(Curtain
opens on an equally ornate palace (same set, with a few pieces of furniture
shifted around); the entire court is present, minutes the ones who departed,
willingly or otherwise, as of Act I)
Queen:
<Right, Good People, we will be safe here until this little dustup blows
over, by this afternoon the latest.>
King:
(Hisses) That was my line!
Queen:
(Grimaces) Sorry – misheard the prompter.
Eldest
Child: <I speak for myself and all my siblings when I ask whether we can
take the throne when we get back home, please?>
14
Children: <Yeah! You never give us
anything!>
King:
<I am most uncertain whether I loathe you all because of this behavior or in
spite of it>
Queen:
<I must say, they are your children.>
Jester:
<Majesties, perhaps if they had been given more responsibilities when they
were younger in overseeing the kingdom they will one day rule – >
15
Children: <Shut up, Fool!>
Jester:
<That non-response is becoming very tiresome.>
Eldest
Child: <Why ever would we want to work, we just want to rule!>
Jester:
<Un-believable.>
Eldest
Child: (To King) <So, back to my original question – >
King:
<Over my dead body!>
Assassin:
(Pops out from behind the throne) <That’s my cue!> (Stabs the King and
runs away unimpeded by the flabbergasted court; is tripped by the Jester)
Jester:
(Sitting on Assassin’s legs) <Treason!>
Assassin:
<It is not treason if I am working for the other side; it would be treason
if I did not go through with it, then.>
Jester:
<Fair point.>
King:
(Lying on the ground surrounded by the wailing court) <Alack! To be cut down in the prime of my old
age!>
Queen:
(Kneeling next to the King) <Despair!
My one current love!>
15
Children: <Oh, Father! Cursed be the
hand that took you out before we could!>
Ensemble:
<Folly!>
King:
<Not quite an appropriate response.>
Ensemble:
<Horror?>
King:
<That is better – use that one.>
Ensemble:
<Horror!>
King:
<Sweet. Mourn me while I am still
alive to hear it, my pitiful subjects!>
(Rival
Queen enters on a grand chariot, surrounded by Entourage)
Rival
Queen: <Aha! I see my loyal servant’s
work is done and the way has been cleared for my usurpation! (Jumps off the chariot and lassoes the
throne) <Yoink!>
Queen:
(Stands) <Oi! I am still
here!>
Rival
Queen: <Please – you are just his queen. I am The Queen!>
Queen:
(Kneels again) <I concede the point.>
15
Children: (Forming a line in front of the Rival Queen) <You still must
contend with us and our mighty thirst for power!>
Eldest
Child: <Yield, false pretender!>
Rival
Queen: <That is redundant and therefore self-contradictory.> (Flicks
Eldest Child on the brow; the latter falls down weeping. The other 14 Children run away and drag
Eldest Child with them) <Anyone else?> (The remainder of the unnamed
court flee)
King:
(Lying in a growing pool of red food coloring) <I am – still – alive – >
Rival
Queen: <So? If you actually do
survive this, you would be useless: no one will follow you now that you were
sucker stabbed, so buzz off!> (Hops onto the throne and stretches out across
it)
Jester:
(Kicks away Assassin and subserviently approaches the Rival Queen) <New
Majesty, might I ask a favor?>
Rival
Queen: <I am in no mood to keep around leftovers from the previous
administration, but proceed.>
Jester:
<As you can see, I worked as a jester with that bunch – >
Rival
Queen: <Then you have five seconds to make me laugh.>
Jester:
< – however, my hidden job description was to speak the truth and dispense
advice, which no one has ever listened to – >
King:
(Perks up) <Of course we did! All the
time!>
Queen:
<I always took your advice, you revisionist historian!>
Jester:
<If you had, then this one – > (Gestures at the Rival Queen) < – would
not be sitting here right now>
Rival
Queen: <Ha! Losers.>
Jester:
<So, I wish to ask for a place in your court, but as an advisor rather than
as a jester.>
Assassin:
(Sitting on the floor and rubbing circulation back into legs) <Now that is treason!>
Jester:
<Not if the last group is no longer in power.>
Assassin:
<Got it.>
Rival
Queen: (To Jester) <Prove yourself, then.>
Jester:
<I told this crew to confront your army and defend the border back when you
invaded the first time.>
Rival
Queen: <You’re hired.>
King:
<Alack! That it has come to
this! Our former employee, joining the
competition and receiving an unexpected promotion!> (Dies)
Queen:
<Woe is me! Our Heaven on Earth,
utterly destroyed by a change in management!
If only we had listened to the Fool would we have been ironically
wise!> (Dies because there is nothing else for her to do now)
Rival
Queen: <Well that tidies up everything nicely. Now, Advisor, what do you recommend my
first act as legitimate tyrant of this stolen realm be?>
Former
Jester: <Clean up the damage from your invasion and help your subjects’
lives be better than they were before.>
Rival
Queen: <Sounds reasonable.> (Stands with raised sword in hand) <To the
restoration!>
Entourage:
<Huzzah!>
Former
Jester: <And that is how you have a happy ending in a tragedy.>
CURTAIN
